BETSEY  JANE  WARD, 

[BETTER-HALF   TO   ARTEMUS] 
HUR 

BOOK  OF  GOAKS 

WITH  A  HULL  AKKOWNT 

OP 

THE  COARTSHIP  AND  MARIDGE 

TO 

A4SAID   ARTEMUS, 

AND 

MISTER   WARD'S  CUTTING-UP 

WITH 

THE  MOEMON  FAEE  SECKS 


with  Pikturs  drawed  By  Mrs  B.  Jane  Ward 


NEW  YORK: 

JAMES   O'KANE,  PUBLISHER, 

NO.  12G  NASSAU  ST. 


Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1866, 

BY    JAMES    OK  A  N  F  , 

In  the  Clerk's  Office,  of  the  United  States  DUtrict  Court  for  the 

Southern  District  of  the  State  of  New- York. 


CONTENTS. 


Introduction,              .            ...            -  5 

Book  of  Goaks,                ...            -  9 

Courtship  and  Marriage,     -            -            -            -  12 

A  Genius  for  Silver  Spoons,     -            -            -  21 

A  New-Years'  Gift,              -            -            -            -  28 

Forrest  in  Othello,        -            -            -            -  31 

1  he  Sorrows  and  Trials  of  Marriage,     -            -  33 

The  Trial,             -            -            -            -            -     .  38 

Extraordinary  Trial,            -            -            -            -  40 

The  Nigger  Meeting,      .            -            -            -  45 

Pharmacy  Extraordinary,    -            -            -            -  52 

The  Duel,             .            .            .            -            .  58 

Visit  to  New-York  City,      -            -             ',            -  65 

The  Candidate,                 -            -            -            -  71 

Spiritual  Siance,                    -            -            -            -  75 

A  Family  Squabble,        -            -            -            -  81 

The  Sailing  Party,               ....  83 

The  Bad  Bill,                   ....  87 

The  Volunteer,         -----  91 

Authorship,          -            ...            .            .  95 

The  Higher  Law,                   -            -            -            -  99 

The  Beggar,                      ....  103 

The  Martyr,              .....  105 

Mrs.  Ward  as  a  Poet,                -            -            -  111 

A  New  Movement,                 ....  114 

The  Funeral,                    -            -            -            -  117 

The  Hungarian  Patriot,                    -            -            -  121 

Retribution,          .            .            .            .            .  123 

Astronomy,                  -            -            -            -            -  125 

A  City  Girl,        .....  128 

An  Enthusiastic  Friend,      ....  131 

The  Actress,        -            -            -            -            -  137 

The  Doctor,                .....  140 

The  Apparition,                ....  145 

The  Village  Belle.              ....  149 


iV!M5e33 


iv.  Contents. 


Aristocracy,         -            -  -            -            -              155 

Cactse  for  Jealousy,  -            -            .            .        164 

hospitaijty,          -            -  -            -            -              168 

Free  Suffrage.          -  -            -            =             -        174 

The  Travelling  Show,  -            -            -              176 

The  Itinerant  Lecturer,  -            -            -            -        184 

The  Income  Tax,              -  -            -            -              I90 

Visit  to  Boston.         -  -             .             -             -         192 

The  Wit  of  Betsey  Jane,  -            -            -              I99 

Confirmation  Strong,  -            -            -        -     -        200 

Matfmnal  Counsel,           ...  -               209 

The  Thunder  Storm,  -            -            -            -         215 

The  Album,           -            -  -            -            -              217 

The  Affectionate  Couple,  -            -            -            -        219 

Views  of  Travel,             ....  223 

Shocking  Accident,  -            -            -            -        225 

A  Wandering  Minstrel,  -            -            .              230 

The  Fhrknologist,  -            .            -            -        236 

The  Actor,            -            .  .            _            .              240 

A  Remarkasle  Incident,  -            -            -            _        244 

A  Double  Loss,                 ....  249 

Account  of  Stock,  -            -            -            -        254 

The  Mysterious  Couple,  -            -            .               257 

A  Letter,                    -  .            .            -            .         258 

A  Travelling  ^fERCHANX,  -            -            -              265 

The  Perpetual  Motion,  -            .            -            -         275 

Marvelous  Developement,  -            -            .               276 

Conspiracy  Detected,  -            -            _            .         279 

An  Astounding  Ea'ent,  -            -            -              289 

Conjugal  .Anxiety,     -  -            -            -            .        294 

Ulyssean  Artifice,           -  -            -             .              296 
Uncle  Obed,               -----        299 

Hiring  a  House,               -  »            .            -              309 


INTRODUCTION, 


There's  a  smart  chance  of  people  in  the  world  that's 
of  very  little  account,  who  can't  speak  to  a  human 
without  a  introduction,  &  I  write  this  pe.ece  in  the  big- 
gining  of  my  book  to  tell  'em  what  I  intend  to  do, 
though  I  think  a  introduction  is  of  no  more  use  than 
horns  on  a  horse's  head. 

Everybody  has  heard  of  my  Arteemass,  &  sum  has 
heard  a  gray  deal  too  much  of  him,  &  espeshully  of  the 
way  he  speaks  of  his  own  wife,  his  better  haff  which  he 
is  bound  to  cherish  &  purtect  her  more  'n  all  other  fair 
seeks  be  they  black  or  be  they  white.  At  first  I  was 
advised  to  git  out  a  conjunction  agin  his  book  &  hev  the 
publication  contradicted  by  the  law  which  ought  2  be 
done  or  what's  the  use  of  the  mariage  vow,  because 
why  1  She  is  his  better  haff  as  he  says  hisself,  "  the 
partner  of  his  goys  &  the  sharer  of  his  sorrers."  Yes, 
indeed,  there's  no  miss  take  abeout  the  sorrers;  he's 
all  wise  let  me  share  them,  &  a  perticklar  big  share  2. 


VI.  Introduction. 

Finally,  I  thought  Pd  git  out  a  histerry  myself,  & 
that  would  be  better  than  goin'  inter  the  law  which  is 
kunsidurd  pocarious.  Having  done  Somethin  at  lek- 
tring  <fe  having  been  a  membur  of  the  Women's  rites  for 
9  veers  past,  and  having  got  my  edecation  at  the  same 
collidge  as  Arteemass,  I  bleeved  I  could  write  in  jest  as 
good  style  as  him,  though  he  were  allways  noted  for 
being  a  smart  skollar. 

If  there's  any  truth  in  the  wife  being  the  better  1-2, 
my  book  ought  2  be  jest  1-2  as  good  agin  as  his'n. 

There's  a  Sosiety  in  our  villidge  which  J  am  a  mem- 
bur that  have  jest  been  put  in  opperation  2  make  an- 
other ammendment  in  the  constitution,  that  is  very 
much  needed,  particularly  in  our  parts,  &  it  is  2  the 
effect  that  all  books  got  out,  hereafter,  by  the  male 
speshiz  shall  bee  inspectted  by  hiz  wife  B4  the  printer 
shall  hev  a  rite  to  put  a  single  tipe  2  the  paper ;  <fe  there's 
half  a  duzzen  more  amendments  consarning  married  life 
&  the  duty  of  husbands  that  our  Sosiety  intends  to 
petition  congress  for. 

It's  not  jinerally  known  that  I  am  a  oi-phan,  which 
gives  me  a  greater  claim  on  the  Patronage  of  the  public 
than  arteemas  whose  parients  are  most  all  of  them  alive ; 
only  1  of  them  is  dead,(fe  the  diseased  left  him  a  good 
Patrimoney  consistin'  of  a  dress  kote,  2  pair  of  britches, 
&  a  unfinished  perpetual  motion  masheen  ;  arteemas  has 
only  2  finish  it,  &  he  could  make  his  fortune  by  it. 

Insted  ot  that,  he  is  running  a  round  with  his  wacks 
figgurs  whitch  is  a  sort  of  heathen  idoUarty,  making  of 
grave  iniidges  &  settin  them  up  B-l  the  people.  lie  had 
better  finish  otf  the  perpetual  motion  masheen  which 


Introduction.  vii. 

only  wants  3  more  wheels  2  be  kompleet,  though  some 
thinks  there  must  he  a  great  many  ammendmcnts 
made  in  it  B4  it's  all  rite  &  will  go  a  loan.  Other  some 
says  that  the  more  ammendments  is  made  in  it  the  wuss 
it  will  be ;  but  it's  a  very  valuable  piece  of  property 
wether  it  goes  or  not. 

Arteemass  is  perptual  motion  enuff  hisself,  &  had 
better  stay  at  home  &  kumfort  up  his  better  1-2,  or,  it 
runs  into  my  head  that  he  will  git  sitch  a  blessin  in  this 
book  that  he'll  be  glad  to  cry  P.  K.  V. 

Mrs.  Betsey  Jane  Ward. 


BETSEY  JANE  WARD 
EUR    BOOK    OF    GOAKS. 


[One  of  Betsey  Jane's  Family  Letters.] 
To  Miss  Jenisha  Whig  of  Injunnapylus  ; 

CuzziN  Jerusiia  : 

I  tak  up  the  pen  to  let  you  know  that  we  are 
pritty  w^ell  in  helth  at  present,  &  hope  these  fu  lines 
will  find  yu  injoyin'  the  same  blessin'. 

You  C  I've  took  the  hint  that  you  give  me  the 
last  time  we  scene  each  other  for  that  I  shood  rite  a 
histerry  &  give  a  serious  of  ritings  2  the  edditorial 
corpse  in  the  poplar  stile,  which  I  concluded  that  2  giv 
out  a  volyume  in  the  fashionabul  stile  wood  be  more 
precocious  than  for  to  deliver  a  skatterin'  fire  thro'  the 
noospapers;  <fe  it  wood  knot  be  so  likely  2  hit  the 
mark,  which  yu  no  who  I  mean  that  has  proved  on- 
faithful  accordin'  2  hiz  own  confession  &  has  promuU- 
gated  it  2  the  wurld,  &  me  hiz  own  lawful  wife  &  nus 
sin  a  pare  of  twin  babes  this  blessed  minnit ! 

The  way  I've  been  a  true  &  faithful  wife  too  him 


10  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD 

into  season  &  outer  season,  standin'  at  the  door  of  the 
tent  &,  takin  the  munny  as  fast  as  it  cum  in,  <fe  always 
in  immcjit  contact  with  him,  distribittin'  handbills  & 
gittin'  up  a  tremenjus  excitement  with  my  leckturs 
on  wimmins  Rites  &  the  cold  water  kure,  all  over 
the  country  whichever  he  went,  that  sum  of  the  sisters 
said  I  was  a  parfeck  marvle,  &,  other  sum  said  I  was 
a  parfeck  fool  too  make  myself  a  packhoss  for  the  likes 
of  arteemass. 

But  I  had  that  feelin  for  him,  seeing  that  I  was  hiz 
lawful  wife,  which  made  me  turn  a  deaf  ear  two  all 
those  advice ;  &  when  our  Society  for  the  promotion  of 
Equallity  voted  a  rezzulution  that  we  shood  ware  the 
bloomer  <fe  ride  astradle  of  hosses,  arteemass  took  it  in 
hi  dudgeon  &  forbid  me  ewer  2  stradle  a  hoss,  which 
he  said  were  goin  it  too  steep  and  stretching  the  thing 
too  fur. 

This  were  what  I  called  retrenchin  on  I's  principles, 
&  I  lookt  at  arteemass  rite  in  the  eye  with  a  picrcin' 
gaze  like  a  eagle  survayin'  the  sun. 

That  he  shood  speak  thus  two  the  wife  of  his  boozum 
was  accounted  purnishus  by  me,  his  better  half.  I 
lookt  rite  at  arteemass,  jest  as  I  mite  be  lookin  at  you 
this  minnit,  &  rite  in  the  eye  as  a4said,  that  he  mite  no 
I  were  addressin  my  discourse  to  him  individooally. 
Said  I : 

"  Arteemass !" 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  .  H 

"  What  1"  ansured  my  lawful  spouse. 

"  Do  you  see  that  kangaroo  ?"  said  I. 

"  What  does  it  signerfy  1"  said  he. 

"  There  be  1  pint,  arteemass,"  sed  I ;  "  that  I  never 
promised  when  I  stood  up  with  you  be4  the  Rev.  Mr 
Twangtext  in  our  natyve  Baldinsville.  You  may  ob- 
sarve  conclusively  that  yander  kangaroo  knows  nothin* 
about  principles  bein'  a  onletterd  child  of  the  forrest,  <fe 
you  may  make  him  obey  you  permiscussly,  &  larrip  him 
when  he  are  unobejiunt;  but,  the  wife  of  your  buzzum 
are  not  a  dum  beast,  &  have  hur  oan  principles,  &  them 
air  hur  own  property  &  not  yuren." 

"  Leastwise,"  said  arteemass  ;  "  there  are  no  principle 
in  makin  a  stradle-bug  of  yourself." 

"  What's  sauce  for  the  goose  are  sauce  for  the  gan- 
dur,"  said  I ;  "  how  do  you  ride  a  boss  1" 

That  hit  him,  &  he  hitched  up  his  trowsis  as  he  alius 
doos  when  he  is  nonplushed.  He  seen  the  pint  of  the 
argument  direckly,  and  he  skooted. 

Yours  with  respeks 

Betsey  Jane  Ward, 


12  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


COURTSHIP  &  MARRIAGE. 

Arteemass  have  rit  somethin'  about  coartship  & 
mariagc,  which  it  is  what  mite  be  exspeeted  from  1  of 
the  male  kind  when  he  goze  for  to  expound  a  subjec'  of 
sech  importance. 

lie  says  into  his  book  that  our  parients'  farms  jined 
onto  1  anuther  &  that  the  cows  squencht  their  thirst  at 
the  same  spring,  &  John  Golden  could  tell  a  different 
story,  for  he  driv  our  cows  to  a  spring  down  by  All- 
fierce  Brown's  stun  house  where  our  cows  drunk  from 
time  imemorable. 

But  Artecmas  have  an  objeck  in  this,  to  purtend  that 
he  wouldn't  have  took  no  trubble  to  go  any  dis- 
tunsearter  me,  &;  cf  I'd  been  only  a  mild  off  he'd  never 
hav  footed  it  to  git  a  women  like  me,  &  I  his  own  1  law- 
ful wife  who  forsook  father,  mother,  an'  aunt  Keziah. 

But,  he  knows  plane  as  preechin'  that  he  took  a  pesky 
site  more  pains  two  git  me  than  ever  I'd  have  took  to 
git  him,  with  all  his  monkeys  &  leppurds  &;  tigers,  & 
wax  figgures,  with  the  kangaroo  to  boot. 

As  to  arteemass,  when  I  fust  knowed  the  crittur  he 
were  a  good-for-nothin  boy  with  a  short  round  boddy  t& 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  13 

long  legs  &  looks  as  neer  as  you  can  giss  like  a  big 
bloo  spider  straddling  along  throo  the  mud  two  the 
little  red  bildin  where  we  went  two  the  same  skool. 

As  he  newer  noo  his  lessing.  &  was  alius  at  tho  tale 
of  his  class,  I  kinder  pitted  the  poor  dunse,  for  the 
teecher.had  a  sorter  spite  agin  him,  &  yuse  two  set  him 
on  our  form  betwixt  2  gals,  for  punishment. 

Arteemass  purtended  that  he  mist  his  lessing  a  prop- 
pus  that  he  mite  git  sot  among  the  gals,  but  I  newer 
bleeved  a  word  of  it.  It's  ver ;  onlikely  that  sech  a 
spindel  shankt  little  cuss  keered  so  mutch  about  the 
fare  seek  at  his  aje.  I  newer  found  him  noon  two  af- 
ekshunate  at  no  time,  tho  I  bleeve  he  has  a  sortten 
liking  for  his  cangaroo. 

He's  the  most  ornery  husband  that  any  femail  was 
ewer  plagged  with ;  but  its  knot  my  fa  wit  that  I'm 
marrid  two  him,  tho  he  tries  two  maik  it  out  that  he 
had  northin  to  doo  but  open  his  mouth  &  I  d rapped  in 
it  like  a  ripe  sweeting  !  that's  the  most  awdashas  thing 
he  ewer  rit. 

I  giss  he  fuggits  how  he  cum  over  my  susceptibull 
hart  by  puttin  his  handkercher  to  his  ize  &  belluring 
like  a  grete  kaff;  he  fuggits  how  he  went  down  onto 
his  neze  &  swore  that  I  was  lik  the  pinks  in  June,  as 
fare  as  the  sno  on  the  top  of  punnasters,  &  and  as 
the  wawters  of  hellycorn. 

Praps  he  doant  reemembur  that  kold  day  when  the 


14  BETSEY  JANE  VVAED 

sno  was  blowin  awl  throo  the  air  &  he  ciim  two  our 
house  with  a  sla  &  begged  the  onur  of  riding  me  two 
church,  &  I  refoosed  rite  up  &  down  beekaws  I  sposed 
he  wanted  to  take  me  thare  two  be  marred,  &  I 
diddend  kornsent  two  go  till  he  tolled  me  he  wasn't 
half  rcddy  two  be  marred  yit. 

Everyboddy  in  Baldinsville  can  tell  how  out  he  was 
about  me  &  how  he  use  2  hang  around  the  tavoun  & 
tawk  two  everybody  about  me,  &  tell  how  he'd  laws, 
forty  pound  in  wait  on  akkownt  of  my  crewel ty  in  knot 
lissening  two  his  soot. 

The  fust  time  that  arteemass  maid  inny  impresshun 
onto  my  tender  buzzum  was  in  killin  hog  time.  It  wuz 
orful  kold  wether  &  he  cum  two  the  house,  along  with 
the  rest,  two  help.  I  gut  up  yarly  &  went  out  two  see 
'em  stick. 

They  wuz  a  allfired  squeelin  when  1  gut  on  the 
ground.  1  big  barrar  hog  wuz  down,  &  arteemass 
stoed  over  him  brandishing  his  long  nife  &  axing  to  go 
in  jest  lik  some  grate  millentary  hero  that  we  rode  on. 
Jt  put  me  in  mind  of  Sur  Willyum  Walrus  &  Thad- 
yeous  of  Wawsaw,  &  when  the  hog  wuz  kilt  &  skawlt, 
arteemass  skraped  off  a  passul  of  good  long  brussels  & 
did  'em  up  in  a  bunch  &  brawt  'em  to  me.  I  sold 
them  brussuls  arteward  for  ate  punse  to  Richard 
Whitsun  the  shoonmaker. 

It  were  these  dellicut  attenshuns  onto   the  part  of 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  15 

arteemass  that  won  my  hart  mowrn  awl  his  snufflin  & 
cryiii  &  kattywawlin  down  onto  his  neze,  which  it 
mite  soot  some  sitty  ladies  well  enuff,  but  my  vurjin 
hart  alius  purfurd  sumthing  more  sollidur  than  those 
galluntry  purformans,  when  he  kolled  me  a  angel,  1 
node  he  were  praisin  me  a  little  two  steep  &  I  larfed 
rite  in  hiz  fase,  but  when  he  tuk  me  in2  the  tavoun  & 
gin  me  a  hunk  of  cold  pork  &  a  big  peas  of  punkin  p' 
I  felt  my  bowils  yarn  for  him  mourn  ewer. 

Finully,  muther  kolled  me  into  the  West  rheum  "J 
sabbaoth  arfturnoon  &  sot  me  down  in  the  arm  cheert 
which  I  reemembur  it  as  well  as  yisturday.  &  sez  she  : 

"  My  dawter  Betsey,  the  picktur  of  yure  oan  be- 
loved muther.*' 

Sez  I :  "Go  in,  muther — what  air  the  matter  1  what 
is  up  ?" 

Sez  she  :  "  It's  the  dooty  of  parients  two  purvide  for 
their  avvfspring  &  two  purteckt  their  morruls  from 
harm." 

"  That's  your  part  of  the  bargain,  muther,"  sez  I ; 
^'  it's  know  kornsarn  of  mine.  Now,  what  is  it  yu  hev 
tur  say  to  me,  for  I  no  y  u  haint  put  on  that  long  fase 
for  northing." 

"My  dawter  Betsey  the  very  picktur  of  yure  beloved 
muther " 

"  Yu've  sed  that  be4.  Go  in,  mother,  what's  up  ? 
Sling  out  the  grit  of  the  subjeck  at  onct !'' 


IQ  BETSEY  JxVNE  WAED 

"There's  been  goii^s  on  around  hear,  my  dawter 
that's  gove  rize  to  my  obsarvashuns.  They  say  that 
yu've  gut  a  affinerty." 

**  Lord  sakes,  what's  that,  muther  ?"  screemed  I, 
jumpin  up ;  "  I  hoap  it's  northing  lik  the  koUary." 

"  No,  my  dawter  Betsey,  but  it  air  somethin  that 
may  take  yu  orf  as  quick  as  the  kollary.  It's  that  big 
he  crittur  that  they  kawl  arteemass  Ward." 

I  coulddend  say  nothing  to  that.  I  were  stumped  as 
much  as  ef  she'd  put  a  hot  purtater  in2  my  mouth,  & 
I  sot  strate  uprite  lik  a  clock  run  down,  &  weighted  two 
hear  what  she  would  turn  out  next. 

She  continued  hur  discoarse ;  "  My  dawter  Betsey, 
maridge  are  a  series  matter  for  the  young  mind  to  con- 
template ;  the  care  of  a  fammuly  &  the  variyus  dootiz 
that  are  into  the  maridge  relashun  is  arduous  in  the  ex- 
treme, k  as  Ilamlick  says  in  thecommidyof  Perlonius, 
it  grows  by  what  it  fed  onto.  Listen,  my  dawter,  it 
are  very  important  for  you  to  bear  into  mind  the  wurds 
of  instruction  as  they  flow  from  the  lips  of  maturnil 
affection. 

I  lookt  round  the  room  with  a  peekant  expressien  of 
countenance,  for  a  rose-bud,  which  it  would  be  proper 
for  me  to  be  pickin  to  pieces  whilst  listening  to  the 
leckture  on  love  &  maridge,  but  it  were  winter  time 
&  no  roses  around,  leastwise  some  artifishul  flowers,  on 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOARS.  17 

my  Lonnet,  which  it  being  up  stairs  were  out  my  reach, 
in  the  nick  of  time  when  they  were  wanted. 

She  continued  as  folk^vvs. 

"  That  sneakin',  pussylanermus  arteemass  of  yuren 
are  forbid  the  house  by  me  &  your  father  on  account  of 
his  good-for-nothing  conduct,  &  his  want  of  the  neces- 
sary tin.  Yu  are  forbid  to  love  him  or  to  ever  two 
think  of  him  agin  the  longest  day  you  have  to  live." 

Then  I  busted  in  2  tears  &  wrung  my  hands,  which 
it  is  the  only  way  that  a  young  person  of  the  fare 
seeks  are  expected  to  do  on  sech  occasions. 

Then  my  affectionate  maturnil  parient  said :  "  Now, 
my  dawter,  I  expect  you  to  promise  never  to  see  that 
destroyer  of  your  peace  agin." 

"  He  will  come — I  know  he  w  ill,  for  his  love  are  so 
strong  that  he  can't  keep  away,"  said  I,  with  1  sob  be- 
twixt every  two  words,  &  a  heavy  sigh  at  the  end. 

"  Listen  to  the  langwidge  of  maturnil  affection  my 
dawter,"  continued  she;  "  if  that  infarnale  booby  dark- 
ens those  door  again,  he'll  be  hosswhipt  within  a  inch 
of  his  life." 

"He  will  come,"  said  I. 

"  Then  I'll  be  bound  he'll  git  a  lacing  !'*  cried  the 
maturnil  parient. 

So  saying,  she  riz  up  &  walked  out  of  the  room  like 
1  who  has  fulfilled  hur  duty  to  the  rising  generashun, 
hur  dawter  Betsy  a4sed. 


18  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

I  sot  still  in  Pensive  Mood  &  began  to  think  what  it 
were  best  to  do,  as  peeple' always  does  when  they  know 
they  can't  do  nothing. 

Whilst  I  were  thinkin  over  the  wurds  of  maturnil 
Vy  isdom  which  I  had  jest  been  listening  nn2,  I  perceived 
a  shadder  at  the  winder,  &  when  I  looked  up,  I.  seen  the 
the  head  of  my  affinity  inside  the  room  whilst  the  rest 
of  his  body  were  onto  the  outside. 

I  riz  up  &  flew  to  his  side,  <fe  said  :  "  Run  for  your 
life,  artecmass,  for  if  you  are  found  here,  you'll  be 
hosswhipt  within  a  inch  of  your  natteral  life  !" 

Instead  of  takin'  my  advice,  he  jumpt  in2  the  win- 
der. 

"  Go — run — escape,  arteemass,"  cried  I  versifurusly; 
"  or  you'll  be  larrupt " 

"  Hoo'll  larrup  me  f  cried  he,  "  no,  no,  Betsey,  I 
shall  not  be  larrupt ;  bet  your  life  onto  it." 

"  But,  arteemass,  you  wouldn't  hurt  my  parient — the 
parient  of  your  Betsey  1" 

"  Hurrah  !"  hollurd  arteemass  as  he  cotch  me  round 
the  waist ;  "  ??iy  Betsey,  are  you  1  I  hevn't  hearn  that 
A'ord  be4.  Ef  you're  niT/  Betsey,  I'll  defy  the  hull  uni- 
versal creation.     Hurrah !" 

Then  he  huggd  &  kissed  me  with  such  a  parsimonus 
fury  that  1  could  only  ketch  my  breath  by  spells,  &  so 
it  were  unpossible  for  me  to  leckture  him  on  the  mon 
srracious  wickidness  of  his  behavior. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  19 

I  perceived  that  in  my  anxiety  I  had  let  the  feline 
animal  escape  from  the  bag,  &  I  was  purpoytrusly 
motificd  to  think  that,  in  those  word  my,  I  had  gove 
arteemass  the  conceit  that  I  would  agree  to  tic  the 
nuptual  Ivnot. 

"  When  will  you  go  in,  my  cove  ?"  asked  the  young 
man.  "Dalays  are  danjerus,  &  the  sooner  v/e  can  be- 
gin too  increase  &  multiply,  which  are  as  good  scriptur 
as  you'll  find  in  all  Baldinsville." 

I  knowed  he  telled  the  truth,  for  I  had  read  those 
pious  langwidge  in  the  Bible  myself,  &  I  said  to  the 
young  man : 

"  Now,  arteemass,  you  are  something,  on  the  speak,  I 
know  ;  but  will  you  deklair  onto  your  soUem  word  &; 
honor  that  in  takin'  me  for  your  lovin'  &  obedient 
wife,  you  are  only  doing  it  from  a  pious  motive  &  from 
a  cents  of  duty  f 

"  Yes,  I'll  swear  it  sollem,"  says  he ;  "  the  scriptur 
tells  us  to  increase  &  multiply,  &  I  bleave  its  my  duty 
to  obey  the  scriptur,  else  I'd  never  think  of  bein'  mar- 
ried at  all." 

"  Then  if  those  is  your  pious  motifs,"  says  I,  "  there 
can't  be  no  further  objecktion,  &  I'll  go  in,  hurry  up, 
arteemass,  for  I  are  pesky  afeard  of  that  hosswhip." 

"  So  am  I,"  said  arteemass ;  and  he  hurried  me  off 
drcdful,  as  if  he  was  onakkountably  skeered  at  what  J 
had  telled  him  about  the  hosswhip. 


20  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

When  we  got  to  Squire  Gooding's  house  we  found  he 
were  gone  away,  to  see  his  son  who  was  sick  of  the 
ploorissy. 

Arteemass  swore  like  seven  footed  nigger,  but  I 
asked  Mrs.  Gooding  where  his  son  lived,  &  ef  she  had 
a  hoss  and  shay  to  let. 

She  said  her  son  lived  5  miles  off,  &  her  husband 
had  got  the  hoss. 

"  Nevier  mind,  arteemass,"  says  I ;  "  We  can  foot  it, 
if  you  deklair  that  you  are  actuated  by  the  pious  mo- 
tif you  telled  about." 

"  Sartingly,"  said  arteemass,  &  we  footed  it  down  to 
the  place  where  the  squire's  son  lived  &  got  married. 

Father  and  mother  was  as  mad  as  a  hot  skillet  when 
they  heered  of  our  cuttings-up,  but  they  couldn't  do 
nothin'  &  they  concluded  not  to  make  a  kupple  of  fools 
of  themselves.  So  they  let  us  intirely  alone,  only 
father  looked  as  sour  as  swill  whenever  arteemass  cum 
near  him,  &  muther  hid  the  l-4d  quince  behind  the 
sugar  bowl  whenever  he  sot  down  to  tea  with  us. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  21 


A  GENIUS  FOR  SILVER  SPOONS. 

1  day  when  arteemass  &  me  had  arrove  in  a  villidge 
called  Worstur,  &  I  were  engaged  in  ficksing  up  the 
wax  figgurs,  &  trying  to  make  jineral  Washington 
stand  alone  without  leaning  agin  Georje  the  Third,  who 
should  make  his  appearance  but  my  pesky  man  artee- 
mass, in  company  with  a  critter  about  1-2  a  foot  taller 
than  himself,  with  a  awfull  long  chin,  a  big  roman  nose, 
&  a  long-tail  coat  that  came  enermost  down  to  his 
heels. 

He  had  on  1  boot  that  come  above  his  knee,  &  on 
the  tuther  foot  was  nothing  but  a  injur  rubber  overshoe. 
He  were  the  queerest  lookin'  critter  that  ever  come 
down,  &  I  says  to  arteemass: 

"  What  upon  yarth  are  you  goin'  to  do  with  that 
critter,  artemass  ?     Is  he  to  be  put  into  the  show  ?" 

"  Whist — pish — hish  !"  said  my  man,  lookin'  back  at 
the  fellow  as  if  he  were  afeard  he  would  hear  what  I 
said  about  him ;  "  hold  your  tongue  my  love,  or  you'll 
spile  all." 


22  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

Then  I  knowed  something  were  up,  as  artccmass 
never  called  me  his  love  only  when  he  were  goin'  to  do 
some  foolish  thing  that  I  did  not  like. 

I  said  no  more,  but  used  my  eyes  in  loo  of  my  tung. 

The  tall  splice  come  poking  along  toward  the  door 
of  the  Tent  &  peeked  in.  I  was  jest  goin'  to  hold  out 
my  hand  for  the  15  scents  which  it  is  our  unvaryble 
charge,  children  accepted  who  are  half  prise,  when 
arteemass  took  hold  of  his  hand  &  led  him  rite  in2 
the  show. 

As  he  went  in,  the  fellow  make  a  bough  of  sich  a 
aimbiggus  description  that  it  are  unpossible  to  tell 
whether  the  bough  was  made  to  me  or  to  keep  his  head 
from  strikin'  agin  the  upper  sill  of  the  door. 

P'raps  it  were  intended  to  answer  both  purposes,  so 
that  if  arteemass  were  jellus  he  could  say  he  bent 
down  his  head  to  keep  clear  of  smashin'  it  at  the  same 
time  he'd  git  credit  from  me  for  his  politeness. 

I  concluded  that  he  were  some  kin  to  the  Yank  that 
scent  warming-pans  to  the  West  Injiz  to  be  used  for 
mollasses  bailers. 

As  I  stood  in  the  door,  I  heered  the  fellow  prazing 
everything ;  the  Kangeroo  were  the  most  elegunt  critur 
in  the  hull  world,  the  wax  figgurs  was  t^vist  as  nateral 
as  life,  &  the  figgur  of  jineral  Washington  must  have 
been  maid  in  Urope  or  Chyner  it  were  such  a  fine  re- 
zemblance. 


HUE  J^UOK  OF  GOAKS.  ^H 

When  he  come  out,  I  asked  him  if  he'd  ever  scon 
jineral  Washington.  He  said  no,  that  grate  &  loyal 
patriot  died  be4  he  were  bornd. 

"  Then  how  upon  yarth  do  you  know  it  looks  like 
him  so  exactly  !" 

"  Oh,  I  seed  a  old  kullud  lady  in  New  York  which 
she  described  his  looks  to  me  exactly,"  answered  the 
the  fellow. 

"  Who  was  she  ?'  I  asked  him. 

"Hur  name  were  Joyce  Heath,  <fe  she  were  nuss  of 
that  grate  military  hero,  &  knowed  all  about  his  looks." 

"  How   do  you  know  she  were  his  nuss  1"  I  asked. 

"  How  do  I  know,  indeed ;  why  Mister  Barnum 
tolled  me  so  M'ith  his  own  lips,"  says  he. 

"  Ah !  well,  that's  enuff,  of  course ;  very,"  says  I ; 
"  for  Barnum's  a  very  spektable  man  &  a  temppruns 
leckturer.  Anything  he  says  are  as  true  as  gospile,  of 
course." 

I  was  glad  to  larn  that  a  man  who  pronounsed  our 
wax  figur  such  a  fine  likeness,  had  got  a  correct  des- 
cripshun  of  Washington's  looks  from  the  nuss  at  whose 
buzzum  he  drew  lackteel  stream  which  it  made  him 
what  he  was. 

"  I'll  say  that  for  jinural  Washington,"  says  the  fel- 
low; "  he  were  a  very  fine  man  &  a  smart  man,  &  ] 
don't  keer  who  hears  me,  I'll  maintain  what  I  say !" 

I  seed  he  were  a  man  of  grate  indepeadense  for  he 


24  BETSEY   JANE  WAED 

said  he  diddend  care  who  heard  him  say  it.     It  was  like- 
Martin  Luther  when  he  dieted  on  worms. 

The  fellow   cotch  arteemas  by  the  button  &   asked 
him  for  eighteen  pence  to  git  some  dinner,  whilst  he 
were  gone  to  his  feed,  arteemass  says  to  me  : 
'     '  We  must  cherish  that  gentleman  as  the  apples  into 
our  eyes." 

I  thought  it  it  were  a  conundrum,  <fe  says  I :  "  I  give 
it  up." 

Arteemas  continued  :  "  That  man  I  fell  in  with  in  a 
strornerry,  providenshell  manner,  <fc  I  think  he'll  be  the 
makin'  of  my  fortin.     He's  a  genus." 

"A  what?"  says  T,  with  proper  revurrence,  for  I 
knowd  it  was  something  dreadful  grand. 

"  A  genus,  Betsey.  You've  heard  of  a  genus,  Shak- 
spear  were  a  genus,  Columbus  that  discovered  Ameriker 
was  a  genus,  &  Harry  Clay  was  a  genus." 

"  Mitey  !"  suz  I ;  "is  those  stranger  1  of  that  sort  ?" 
'"Skurcely  the  same,"  answered  arteemass;  "he's 
a  genus  more  like  Eaffle  that  drew  all  the  picktures  in 
Rome.  He'll  be  of  great  use  here  in  giving  his  opin- 
yun  upon  stattooz  &  painters  &  sitch." 

I'm  free  to  confess  there  seemed  to  be  some  miste- 
erious  about  this,  &  I  felt  kinder  squirmish  about 
this  stranger  arter  all  that  arteemas  divulged.  I  never 
knowed  no  good  of  having  fellows  around  the  show  as 
had  opinyuns  about  it.     The  less  opinyuns  they  had,  the 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  25 

better  they  was  pleased,  <fc  so  I  concluded  that  a  genus 
must  be  some  ornery  cuss  that  went  about  the  country 
'spressing  his  opinyuns  &  making  trubble  &  exputcs,  <fe 
borrowing  eighteen  pense  of  everybody  to  pay  for  his 
grub. 

But  arteemass  said  he  would  grapple  this  fellow  to 
him  with  hooks  of  steal,  <fc  so  he  did  as  the  seequill 
shoze. 

His  name  was  Marsellus  Stainbrook,  &  he  purtended 
to  be  ascended  from  some  lord,  <fc  stayed  around  the 
show  a  long  time,  prayzing  tlie  kangaroo  &  the  wax 
figgurs,  &  whenever  arteemass  did  anything,  he  would 
say  it  were  the  most  ingenus  thing  that  were  ever  done, 
&  then  he  would  look  at  the  pot  where  we  biled  our 
vittles.  He'd  eat  more  nor  ten  laboring  men,  &  praise 
the  vittles  all  the  time  &  tell  arteemass  that  his  wife 
were  the  best  cook  out,  that  she  have  been  in  France; 
he'd  never  tasted  such  a  good  soop  sense  he  dined  with 
Prinse  Nappolyun. 

Onct  when  he  knowd  I  were  standing  close  by  him 
behind  the  canvass,  he  telled  1  of  the  men  that  cum  to 
see  the  show  that  Mr.  Ward's  wife  were  1  of  the  most 
noble-lookin'  wimmin  in  the  hull  country.  That  day 
we  had  appel  dumplings  for  dinner,  &  he  ett  12' of. 'em 
all  hisself. 

I  think  he  must  know  that  I  formed  1  of  his  audiance 

when  he  were  praising  me  so  steep,  but  if  he  thought 

2 


2G  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

I  were  lifted  up  on  account  of  it,  he  made  a  great  mis- 
talk  ;  for  I  alius  conceited  that  he  had  a  sinister  ex- 
preshun  of  countenance,  &  it  is  rarely  seldom  I'm  de- 
ceived with  any  I's  looks. 

Arter  the  end  of  a  month,  Mr.  Marsellus  Stainbrook 
makes  out  a  bill  &  hands  it  in  to  the  amount  of  45  dol- 
ars  for  his  services. 

Arteemass  couldn't  keep  skinning  his  eyes,  hisself,  in 
spite  of  them  hooks  of  steal,  «fc  he  kinder  hinted  to  his 
honorable  friend  that  man  diddend  grow  on  razbry 
bushes,  &  that  it  had  never  rained  sixpences  within  the 
memory  of  the  oldest  inhabitant. 

To  all  that,  arteemass  said  that  Marsellus  were  a  very 
useful  man,  &;  he'd  tolled  him  the  Dutch  names  for 
every  annimul  in  the  show  &  had  talked  of  sending  a 
first  rate  notice  of  the  wax  figgur  to  the  Bugle  Horn  of 
Liberty. 

Finnully,  arteemus  paid  Mr.  Marsellus  Stainbrook 
his  45  dollars,  but,  the  next  day,  he  gove  him  a  job  of 
righting  to  do.  That  night  he  vamoosed,  &  we  seen  no 
more  of  Marsellus ;  and  there  were  something  also  that 
we  seed  no  more  of,  &  that  were  aduzzen  of  silver  tabel 
spoons  left  me  by  my  mother.  They  went  with  Mar- 
sellus. *  I  told  arteemass  that  I  sposed  his  friend  had 
grappled  them  with  hooks  of  steal. 

So  it  seemed  that  as  soon  as  the  genus  were  asked  to 
do  something  to   pay  for  his  vittles  «fc  his  wages   he 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  (^OAKS.  27 

launched  hisself  onct  more  on  the  coldonfeelin  world  & 
our  spoons  with  him  to  remember  arteemass  by. 
Praps  he  seed  a  strikin'  resemblance. 


28  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 


A  NEW  YEAR'S   GIFT. 

Them  as  arc  in  the  show  biznis,  like  arteemass  &  me 
have  a  chance  to  pick  up  a  grate  deal  of  infurmashuns 
that  other  folks  know  nothin  about,  espeshully  in  the 
line  of  dumb  creturs,  which  are  given  us  for  our  use, 
sech  as  porter-house  stakes,  pot  pie,  pigs  foot  gelly,  & 
shoulder  of  muttin. 

But  some  is  give  us  for  a  higher  purpose,  such  as 
lions,  tigers,  bears,  snaiks,  &;  kanggerroos.  But  a 
elefunt  is  highest  of  all  in  the  show  line  &  the  biggest 
curiosity  a-going. 

There  were  a  man  of  our  acquanctuns  named  Sylus 
joy  who  had  a  elefant  that  he  bought  of  a  showman,  & 
he  made  him  a  present  unto  a  young  gurl  whose  parients 
were  diseased,  <fc  had  left  hur  alone  in  the  warld,  to 
kombat  the  terurs  of  poverty,  like  the  last  rose  of  sum- 
mer left  a  bluming  on  the  grate  desert  of  araby. 

The  weigh  of  it  were  that  a  pesky  landlord  in  human 
shape  threatened  to  turn  hur  in2  the  street  because  hur 
rent  were  due  &  she  haddend  the  means  to  defray  the 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  09 

same.  S}  lus  heard  of  it  &  his  bowils  was  moved  with 
komparshun  for  the  poor  young  critter. 

The  girl  cum  from  a  hi-strung  family  &  Sylus  knowd 
that  ef  he  ofTared  hur  money,  hur  feelins  would  bee 
hurted  in  the  most  plaguedleyesh  manner.  So  he  scent 
her  a  pi-esent. 

First,  she  received  a  litter  from  him  sayin  that  he 
hed  scent  hur  a  new-yeer  present  &  wishing  hur,  hapy 
new-yeer.  Then  cum  a* colored  bruther,  driving  a  great 
monstrasious  eleflmt  in2  hur  door-yard. 

She  were  2  astonished  2  say  a  ward  at  first.  Then 
she  axt  the  colored  pusson  what  she  should  do  with  the 
cretur.  She  coulddend  git  vittles  enuff  for  hurself,  let 
alone  feedin  a  elefant. 

Whilst  she  were  talking  with  the  contraband,  a  fellow 
in  a  green  jacket  &  long  boots  cum  up  &  begun  to  ex- 
amin  the  elefant.     At  last  he  says : 

"I  had  some  noshun  of  scttin'  up  a  minajjirye,  &  in 
thet  kase  I  shall  want  a  elefant ;  what'll  yu  take  for  the 
cretur  ?*' 

She  knowd  nothing  about  the  price  of  eleflmts,  never 
having  been  in  that  line  bcl.  So,  he  tolled  hur  he'd 
giv  hur  to  thousand  dolars  for  him,  &  she  agreed  right 
off.  He  pulled  out  the  greenbacks  &  paid  hur  on  the 
spot. 

Arterwad,  it  cum  out  thet  Sylus  had  scent  the  fellow 
in  the  long  boots  right  arter  the  contuband  to  buy  the 


30  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

elefant  back  again,  <k  it  were  Sylus's  own  money  that 
paid  for  the  cretur. 

In  this  way  Syliis  contrived  to  give  the  poor  gurl  two 
thousand  dolars  without  hurtin'  her  feelinlvs. 

She  never  found  out  the  trick  to  this  day.  Some 
fellow  hev  been  blamed  very  mutch  for  deceiving  poor 
orphans,  but  it  were  thought  down  our  way,  that  Sylus 
oughto  be  eccused  ef  he  would  never  do  so  agin. 


nun  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  31 


FORREST  IN   OTHELLO. 

Arteemass  perseveered  iii  sayiii  tliet  I  orttoo  go  2 
the  thccatyr,  &  sec  the  great  Aniericane  Tradjcdean.  I 
hung  fire  a  long  time,  for  I  hed  been  brought  up  virtu- 
tously,  &  hed  never  done  sech  a  thing  as  2  go  to  the 
theeatyr,  where  I  were  alway  tolled  there  were  a  grate 
deal  of  sin  purpretrated  into  i6. 

Wen  we  gat  2  the  theeatyr,  arteemass  put  his  hand 
in  a  little  square  hole  &  pulled  out  2  tikcts.  He  gin 
the  tikits  2  a  fellow  thet  sot  just  inside  the  door,  &  then 
we  went  in2  the  bocks,  which  it  were  a  great  ring  full 
of  seats. 

There  were  a  hule  row  of  lamps  onto  the  edge  of  the 
floor,  and  under  the  lamps  were  the  fiddlers  and  llutcrs 
&  homers  who  played  those  music  which  it  charms  the 
savage  beast,  like  awfus  did. 

This  were  not  like  our  show,  for  there  was  no  l»cost- 
esses  except  a  fellow  kolt  kasshy  that  made  a  beast  of 
hisself  by  gettin'  intoxucated  &  trying  to  fight  a  man 
that  were  named  Embargo  or  some  such  like.- 

I  diddend  like  the  tradjcdean  at  all,  cause  into  the 


32  BETSEY   JANE  WAED 

first  place  he  was  a  niggur,  &;  then  he  got  into  a  passion 
like  artecmass  doos  sometimes,  so  that  I  thought  he 
was  intoxucated  as  well  as  the  tuther  fellow,  &  then  he 
choked  a  young  lady  with  a  pillures,  &  for  that  he 
ortter  been  scent  to  the  dry  Taught-you-gas,  as  well  as 
the  one  that  they  called  Embargo. 

There  was  1  ornery  cuss  named  Rhodariggor  who 
had  plenty  of  money,  but  diddend  know  how  2  take  care 
of  it,  &  he  were  in  love  with  the  young  girl  that  was 
choked  with  the  pillure. 

I  diddend  see  mucth  use  in2  this  play,  &;  wisht  that 
our  show  was  in  town  as  that  the  people  could  chose 
betwixt  that  &  the  theeatyr,  which  it  is  more  true  to 
nature,  for  a  wild  beast  is  parfectly  true  to  nature,  & 
always  cuts  up  butiful,  *  speshully  the  Kangeroo. 

But  the  bestest  1  in  the  play  was  a  femial  called 
Emilyur,  who  gin  the  niggur  his  beans  most  allfiredly, 
was  a  regular  wimmins  rites. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  33 


THE  SORROWS  &  TRIALS  OF  MARRIAGE. 

After  artemass  &  mo  had  been  married  about  10 
weeks,  I  commenced  2  find  that  all  the  fine  things  he'd 
said  to  me  whilst  I  was  a  gurl,  2  win  my  tendur  heart 
was  like  the  mist  of  the  mountin'  that  is  vaporated  by 
the  morning  sun. 

Ilowsomever,  when  we  get  into  the  sheer  and  &; 
yaller  leaf  we  remembur  that  all  is  vanity  &;  vexashun 
of  speerit,  &;  then  when  we  don't  find  the  comfort  in 
our  husband  that  begyld  our  youthfull  fancy,  we  jine 
the  meeting-house,  on  the  moral  reform,  and  make  our- 
selves useful  in  our  day  &  jineration. 

Mine  were  the  common  lots. 

After  arteemass  had  got  through  with  the  Billing  & 
cooing  of  the  honey-naoon,  he  begun  2  me  tell  that  he 
were  boss,  &  it  was  my  sphere  to  obey  him  as  the  head 
of  the  fiimuly. 

Then  I  jined  the  Femail  Morrill  Reform  &  Wim- 
min's  Rites  Society,  &  bekame  1  of  the  bright  shinin' 

lights  of  that  assoshiashun. 

2* 


34  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

But  arteemass  was  like  the  dog  in  the  manger,  he 
woodend  jiiie  the  society  hcsself  nor  let  me  attend  the 
meetins  thereof. 

What  gave  me  a  great  deel  of  consarn,  &  he  &;  I  had 
frequent  altarkashuns  on  account  of  it,  in  all  of  which 
arteemass  was  to  blame,  as  the  old  addidge  says : 
"The  gray  mayor  is  the  better  boss." 

We  had  a  serious  of  disputes,  tile  I  very  naturally 
refused  to  bile  arteemass's  meat  and  taters  or  2  put  any 
water  in2  the  tikkittle  less  he'd  promise  to  attend  the 
meeting  with  me. 

Arteemass  stuck  it  out  as  long  as  he  could,  but  I  con- 
quered at  last,  whitch  showed  that  the  finger  of  Provi- 
dence was  into  it. 

He  got  so  hungry  at  last  that  he  was  glad  to  capit- 
terlate,  &  he  said  he'd  go'  onct  with  me  2  this  meeting 
of  the  Morrill  Reform  Society. 

So  I  put  on  the  tikkittle,  made  T,  and  boiled  some 
meat  and  taters. 

After  w^e  w^as  concluded  our  frugal  repast,  arteemass 
tackled  up  the  spekled  mayor  to  the  shay  &  we  both 
got  in  &  sot  out. 

The  place  w  here  the  meeting  was  to  be  held  was 
about  10  miles  off,  &  there  was  good  slaying,  there 
being  snow  on  the  ground.  But  we  had  no  slay,  & 
there4  we  went  in  the  shay. 

We  had  got  about   2  miles  on  our  way  when  the 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  35 

hoss  was  fritened  at  something  &  like  2  have  backed 
the  shay  off  a  precipice  that  would  have  dasht  us  all  to 
peices. 

As  my  narves  was  alius  delicate,  I  felt  pleggidly 
terrified. 

I  seed  that  arteemass  wasn't  fit  2  drive,  &  so  I  l^etched 
holt  of  the  reins  myself  The  hoss  sot  out  on  the  run, 
&  arteemas  akted  like  a  maniac  &  tried  2  git  the  reins 
aweigh  from  me,  but  I  knowd  that  if  I  couldend  stop 
the  hoss  nobody  else  could,  &  so  I  held  onto  unlike 
death  2  a  defunkt  countraband. 

The  pesky  hoss  got  off  the  road  &  run  right  betwixt 
2  trees  which  brought  up  each  side  of  the  shay,  &  tuk 
the  2  wheels  right  off  kersmack. 

The  shay  body  cum  2  the  ground  when  the  2  wheels 
was  gone,  or,  p'haps  its  more  propperer  to  say  that  it 
sot  on  the  axselltree,  &  away  we  went  like  the  world  was 
coming  together. 

The  hoss  run  faster  than  ever,  dragging  us  through 
the  snow  &  the  shay  lookt  some  like  a  slay  as  the  hoss 
dragged  it  along. 

I  screeched  for  help,  &  arteemass  said  his  prayers  as 
loud  as  he  could  holler,  but  when  we  came  2  the  Fore 
Korners  where  Obid  Choars  keeps  tavern,  I  was  sarting 
that  the  people  would  run  out  &;  stop  the  hoss,  tho'  I  was 
pesky  near  swounding  when  we  got  there. 

Away  went  the  hoss  likitikut  right  by  the  tavern,  the 


36  BETSEY   JANE   WARD. 

end  of  the  axsclltree  scraping  up  the  snow  &  sending  it 
all  over  us  &  vvc  hollering  for  help  like  all  possest  but 
the  audacious  crowd  at  the  tavern,  instead  of  stoppin' 
the  hoss,  gin  us  three  cheers  &  sung  out :  "  Go  it,  old 
fellers  !     Go  in  <fc  win,  old  wax  figgurs." 

At  first,  I  thought  them  fellers  had  no  feelinks  for  a 
fellow-cretur,  but  as  we  turned  the  corner  I  heard  1  of 
um  say  :  "  That's  1  of  them  patent  sla/s  I'll  be  bound, 
which  they  have  all  kinds  &  all  shapes  down,  to  York, 
this  old  wax  figgurs  thinks  to  cut  us  all  out  with  his 
grate  display  that  he's  a-makin'  on. 

But  the  hoss  kept  on  as  if  she  diddent  keer  what 
people  said  about  us,  till  the  shay  was  fidl  of  snow,  & 
me  «fc  arteemas  was  so  kivverd  up  by  it,  which  it  was 
like  bein'  wrapt  intoo  our  winding  sheet. 

At  last,  however,  we  hit  kuUumpus  agin  a  trunk  of  a 
tree  that  knokt  me  right  into  arteemass's  lap,  <fc  broke 
the  shafts  of  like  a  pipe  stem,  &  the  hoss  cut  as  if  he 
was  after  a  shoddy  contract  &  left  us  squarting  right  in 
the  snow. 

Then  arteemass  showed  the  evil  nater  of  man  «fc  give 
way  to  loud  lafture  instead  of  consoling  the  wife  of  his 
buzzum  <fe  thankin  the  lord  for  hur  murackulus  preser- 
vation. 

I  asked  him  if  he  was  not  ashamed  of  himself,  &  then 
he  larfed  louder  than  ever. 

I  tolled  him  that  ef  it  haddend  been  for  me  seizing 


HUE  BOOK  OF  G.OAKS.  37 

the  reins  we  should  never  have  escape  with  our  valyu- 
able  lives,  &:  then  he  gave  way  to  such  awbstropolus 
lafture  that  I  believed  he  was  an  infirmed  lunatick. 

The  boss  was  ketched  &  brought  back  by  Duterono- 
my  Stayple,  who  lived  in  a  little  cabin  hard  by,  & 
arteemass  give  him  a  teenpence  for  his  trouble  as  soon  as 
he  arrove  with  the  onruly  beast. 

Arteemass  said  he  could  borry  a  saddle  &  we  could 
go  to  the  meetin  arter  all,  both  rid  in  on  the  hoss.  But 
that  did  not  soot  my  ideas  of  what  is  bekuming  in  mar- 
ried life.  My  frock  was  in  a  sad  plite,  &  my  buzzum 
was  full  of  snow.  The  poetizers  may  talk  as  much  as^ 
they  please  about  a  snowy  buzzum,  but  it  is  more 
ornery  in  fakt  than  in  poetry. 


B£T§EY  JANE  WAED 


THE  TRIAL. 

I  hadend  skurcely  sot  our  black  hen  on  the  eggs,  be4 
I  missed  hur  from  the  nest. 

It  run  into  my  head,  right  off,  that  some  sneaking 
vagabone  had  had  the  profanity  to  steal  that  hen,  for  I'd 
never  known  hur  to  be  obstinate  about  sitting  B4. 

I'd  no  sooner  gat  the  consate  of  it,  then  I  siispishund 
1  Simony  Brown,  which  it  was  him  that  sassed  me  onct 
up  by  the  old  brick  meeting-house. 

He  hed  a  hooked  nose  &  little  small  black  eyes  &;  I 
knowed  by  them  marks  that  he  was  a  thief.  He  had 
long  slim  legs  which  they  was  jest  the  thing  for  running 
away  from  a  policeman,  &  that  showed  that  natur  hed 
cut  him  out  for  a  pickerrune. 

I  run  to  Squire  Oyes  &  hed  Simony  tuk  up,  &  gat  a 
lawyer  to  convict  him,  and  we  had  the  greatest  trial 
ever  known  in  Baldinsville,  &  it  was  reported  in  the 
Bugle  with  the  speeches  of  the  lawyers.  My  lawyer 
talked  butiful,  all  ahout  Jier]/  faces  d' fem  hoovit  cum 
multis  Ellas,  d'  deuce  take  um. 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  39 

But  the  lawyer  that  pledded  the  cause  of  the  pesky 
thief  got  his  speech  in  the  Bugle,  whilst  my  lawyer's 
speech  was  only  half  printed,  &  so  the  pesky  villain 
got  cleer  after  all,  for  they  gin  him  a  verdict  of  not 
guilty. 

Then  my  dandur  was  riz.  &  I  tolled  the  court  that 
they  knowed  nothing  about  law,  nor  gospil  nyther,  & 
that  wimmin  ought  to  set  onto  the  jury,  for  that  any 
feemail  jury  in  the  country  would  have  convicted  the 
fellow  on  suspishon,  on  account  of  his  crooked  nose  &: 
little  spitefull  eyes. 

My  lawyer  spoke  up  &  tolled  em  the  defendant  w^as 
cleared  on  exiyert  testimony,  &  that  he  was  willing  to 
sware  the  hen  had  ben  in  the  hands  of  the  defendant. 

The  follering  is  the  Report  as  it  was  printed  in  the 
Baldinsville  Bugle: 


40  BETSEY  JANE  WAfiD 


EXTRAORDINARY  TRIAL. 

What  are  we  coming  to  !  Has  justice  fled  to 
BRUTISH  BEASTS  1  Oiic  of  the  iiiost  remarkable  trials 
ever  known  in  this  country  has  just  been  concluded  at 
the  Court  Plouse  in  Baldinsville.  It  is  the  painful  duty 
of  the  Bugle  to  differ  entirely  in  opinion  from  the  jury. 
Mho  failed  to  convict  the  defendant.  As  the  highly  res- 
pected prosecutor  observed  at  the  time,  his  face  was 
sufficient  proof  of  guilt  &  ought  to  have  convicted  him. 
But,  contrary  to  all  precedent,  &  to  universal  custom 
in  this  village,  which  is  to  convict  &  acquit  alternately, 
here  have  been  two  consecutive  acquittals  !  The  pre- 
ceding trial  was  that  of  Jenkings  on  a  charge  of  inter- 
rupting divine  service  by  pinching  a  cat's  tail  at  a 
Camp  Meeting,  thus  causing  her  to  squall  aloud  at  the 
important  juncture  when  the  Rev.  Mr.  Claptrap  was 
entering  upon  his  Fifteenthly. 

Now  follows  this  other  acquittal  right  on  the  heel  of 
the  first.     Our  feelings  overpowers  us  when  we  call  to 


nUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  41 

mind  the  disconsolate  visage  of  the  prosecutor  on  hear- 
the  verdict. 

The  parties  are  highly  respectable.  We  mean  of 
course  the  prosecuting  parties.  Mr.  Artemus  AYard  is 
a  gentleman  well  known  to  the  community,  as  a  highly 
accomplished  exhibitor  of  Wax  figures,  lions,  kanga- 
roos,and  monkeys.  The  immense  service  that  he  has  been 
to  science,  in  these  patriotic  endeavors  to  improve  his 
countrymen  in  the  knowledge  of  natural  history,  can- 
not be  over  estimated.  The  partner  of  his  labors  and  of 
his  renown,  Mrs.  Betsey  Ward,  is  also  a  very  extraor- 
dinary personage.  Five  feet  six  inches  in  height,  and  in- 
clining to  embonpoint,  she  ranks  among  the  elite  of  the 
country  in  which  she  was  brought  up  and  educated. 
Mr.  Ward  always  travels  with  the  wife  of  his  bosom, 
Indeed,  with  a  devotion  and  tenderness  unexampled  since 
the  davs  of  Dido  who  perished  for  love  of  iEneas,  she 
insists  upon  relieving  him  of  the  task  of  receiving  fees 
from  customers.  Placing  herself  at  the  door  of  -the 
pavilion,  in  all  weather  and  at  all  hours,  she  welcomes 
spectators  and  demand  from  each  the  sum  of  15  cents, 
children  half  price. 

Yet  no  sooner  does  this  pattern  of  wives,  this  para- 
gon of  womanly  virtue,  set  her  hen  on  a  few  humble 
eggs  that  she  has  gathered  together  in  a  spirit  of  meek- 
ness and  submission  to  the  ways  of  Providence — which 
we  are  informed  are  past  finding  out — than  this  Brown 


42  BETSEY   JANE   WAED 

(for  we  believe  in  his  guiltj  lurking,  like  the  pestilence 
that  walketh  in  darkness,  round  the  hallowed  precincts 
of  lovely  woman,  pounces  on  the  hen  and  bears  it  off 
to  parts  unknown.  To  give  the  words  of  the  learned 
counsel,  which  would  compare  favorably  with  those  of 
Cicero  against  Verres: 

"  "Was  it  in  the  deep  silence  of  the  night  when  this 
terraqueous  globe  is  baptized  in  thick  darkness,  or  was 
it  in  the  broad  effulgence  of  the  noonday  sun,  that 
this  purloiner,  stooping  like  a  savage  vulture  from  the 
skies,  pounced  upon  the  maternal  hen  affectionately  sit- 
ting upon  her  brood,  and  snatched  her  from  her  perch, 
thus  depriving  her  of  hernatural  rest?" 

Mr.  Logroll,  the  lawyer  on  the  other  side,  spoke 
with  an  eloquence  deserving  of  a  better  cause.  "VVe 
give  its  speech  for  its  eloquence,  not  for  its  justice  : 

"  Gentlemen  of  the  Jury  : — Seldom  has  it  been 
my  good  fortune  to  address  a  dozen  of  my  fellow-citi- 
zens under  happier  auspices.  All  we  want  is  the  vindi- 
cation of  Truth  ;  and,  therefore,  we  want  a  jury  of  strict- 
ly honest  and  intelligent  men. 

"  Such  are  the  gentlemen  now  before  me,  and  we  must 
win  our  case.  Our  cause  is  good  and  those  worthy  gen- 
tlemen who  try  that  cause  are  good  also — good  moral- 
ly, good  intellectually. 

"  Gentlemen,  when  I  look  upon  your  countenances, 
when  I  see  so  z-nuch  intelligence  in  your  eyes— -so  much 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  43 

moral  gcrodness  in  the  expression  of  your  countenances, 
such  noble  brows,  such  lofty  and  capacious  foreheads, 
such  an  air  of  distinction  about  every  one  of  you,  I 
must  acknowledge  that  I  was  never  before  so  forcibly 
struck  with  the  dignity  of  human  nature.  I  scarcely 
know  you  by  name ;  nor  is  it  necessary,  for  your  coun- 
tenances would  give-  you  a  welcome  from  the  king  on 
his  throne. 

"  Gentlemen,  I  will  not  so  ^flir  insult  your  common 
sense  as  to  suspect  you,  for  one  moment,  of  leaning  to 
the  side  of  the  prosecution ;  for  that  would  be  an  act 
like  that  found  in  Jeffries  page  80,  000  :  '  Cum  proboscis 
capere,  quintem,  quentem,  poforiffery  junquinquas — • 
parly  voo  frenchay  V 

"A  case  like  that,  gentlemen,  I  am  happy  to  say  has 
never  yet  existed  in  this  country.-  It  is  only  in  the 
dark  ages,  the  mid-devil  ages  of  the  -world  that  such  a 
deed  could  be  perpetrated  by  an  intelligent  jury.  In 
that  detestable  case  the  prisoner  was  convicted  on  cir- 
cumstantial evidence  and  hung  afterwards.  Seven 
days  after  his  death,  a  spirit  communication  was  re- 
ceived by  the  judge  announcing  the  entire  innocence  of 
the  martyred  victim.  Shall  this  be  a  case  of  the  kind 
gentlemen?  I  ask  emphatically,  shall  this  be  a  case 
of  the  kind  1 

"  Therefore  gentlemen,  we  confidentially  look  for  an 
acquittal.     We  have  not  seen  the  black  hen ;  we  never 


44  BETSEY  JA^•E  WAED. 

heard  of  the  bhick  hen,  and  we  don't  believe  that  any 
such  a  hen  ever  existed.  That  black  hen  is  a  myth, 
gentlemen  ;  it  smacks  of  the  Apocalypse,  when  the  bot- 
tomless pit  was  opened  and  men's  eyes  blinded  by  the 
smoke  that  ascended  tl^.erefrom.  But,  gentlemen,  ijoit 
will  not  be  blinded  and  bamboozled  in  that  way.  I 
know  it.  I  know  your  intelligence.  1  know  -your  vir- 
ture  and  your  honesty,  and  with  the  utmost  confidence  I 
submit  the  case  to  the  conscript  fathers  of  Baldinsville." 

The  jury  acquitted  the  prisoner  without  leaving  their 
seats. 

We  are  shocked  at  the  result  of  this  trial.  We  took 
tea  at  the  Pavilion  on  the  same  eveninig  and  conversed 
confidentially  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Ward  on  the  subject. 

The  amiable  lady  is  disconsolate  for  the  loss  of  her 
hen,  and  great  excitement  has  been  the  result  of  the  pris- 
oners liberation. 

The  infamous  reporter  of  the  Eagle  of  Freedom  sug- 
gested that  Mrs.  Ward  was  sub  po  testi  vivi ;  but  we 
don't  believe  anything  of  the  kind. 

If  there  ever  was  a  true,  faithful,  virtuous  woman,  it 
is  Mrs.  Betsy  Jane  Ward,  and  we  believe  the  Eagle  of 
Liberty  could  be  mulcted  in  heavy  damages  for  trying 
to  injure  the  reputation  of  the  highly  respectable  lady 
of  the  highly  distinguished  exhibitor. 

We  hope  never  to  be  obliged  to  refer  to  a  case  of 
this  kind  again,  for  justice  has  been  outraged  beyond 
redemption  in  the  temple  of  justice  in  Baldinsville. 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  45 


THE    NIGGER    MEETING. 

Arteemass  was  never  gilty  of  so  mutch  lafture  as 
he  was  the  other  night ;  but  he  took  my  blesson  for  it 
arfter  he  got  home,  when,  as  the  poet  says,  the  kurting" 
of  home  rapt  the.  world  in  his  obliverous  vale  &  the  an- 
gels looked  down  upon  a  pitying  world ;  the  stars 
shedded  their  silver  light,  &  the  twinkling  moon  air 
full  of  the  memory  of  days  that  are  parsed. 

There  was  2  be  a  meeting  of  the  kullud  brethren 
&  sisters  in  the  red  shoolhowse  in  Baldinsville,  &  the 
publick  was  invyted  to  attend  the  same.  Arteemass 
went  there  knot  for  the  perfecting  of  the  iner  man  in 
varchoo,  but  for  the  purpose  of  settin  into  the  sect  of 
the  skornur. 

A  jentlemen  of  kuUur  by  the  name  of  Cyrus  Lilly 
was  going  2  improve  on  the  ockkazhun,  &;  giv  out  invi 
tations  2  the  respecktable  portion  of  the  inhabitunz  of 

Baldinsville.     Of  coarse  our  wax  fisroruv  establishment 

00 

reseeved  a  invite  to  come. 


46  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

I  tolled  art'cemass  it  was  our  dooty  to  be  smart  on 
this  oclvkazhun  &  dress  up  in  our  best,  in  order  2  show 
our  respeckt  for  the  kaws.  Arteemas  put  on  his  swal- 
low-taled  black  cote  whitch  was  willed  him  by  his 
granthcr  SO  year  aggo,  &  had  alius  been  kept  in  first  rate 
awdur  ever  sense.  lie  brushed  it  up  and  beet  it  with 
a,  stick  2  get  awl  the  dust  out  of  it. 

Then  he  put  on  his  kordiroy  pantyloons  &  greesed  up 
his  boots,  &  he  lookt  quite  smart,  tho  I  say  it  that  did- 
dend  awt  to  say  it. 

As  for  me,  I  wore  my  black  silk,  whitch  I  never  put 
'onto  me  except  when  I  am  going  2  meeting.  I  allso 
wore  my  green  bunnit  with  a  plenty  of  artifishnl 
flowers  into  it,  &  put  on  my  red  shawl  whitch  it  air  the 
one  I  wore  in  Old  Long  Sign  where  I  used  2  go  to  par- 
tiz,  &  arteemas  tolled  me  in  kornfidunse  that  I  looked  like 
a  angel.  1  hit  him  a  slap  with  my  fan,  for  it  seemd  au- 
dashus  like  2  praise  me  so  steep  when  I  was  jest  about 
to  enter  the  sankchuary,  when  awl  sitch  vanity  is  outer 
plaice. 

When  the  fokes  that  stood  around  the  door  seed  me 
&  arteemass  cumming,  they  begun  to  stair  &  to  stand 
asighed,  2  let  us  parse,  for  they  seed  that  we  want  none 
of  the  common  sort. 

So  we  walked  near  to  the  desk  ;  &  when  Cyrus  Lilly 
the  minister  seed  us,  he  come  down  from  the  desk  & 
shook  bans  with  us,  &  arsked  us  how  did  we  doo. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  47 

When  arteemass  arsked  him  2  come  &  visit  the  wax 
figgurs. 

Mr.  Lilly  asked  ef  any  of  the  kullud  heroze  was  into 
the  kollecshun,  sitch  as  Nat  Turner,  Kristophe,  &  Fred- 
rick Duglass. 

Arteemass  tolled  him  he  haddent  got  inny  of  thim 
yet,  &  that  none  sitch  had  been  made. 

"  Then  I  can't  come  konshienshusly,"  said  Rev.  M. 
Lilly;  "it's  inkurridging  a  distinkshun  of  kulliir  to 
visit  wax  figgurs  which  it  has  only  1  kullur  into  it,  tfc 
I  can't  come.  I  attended  a  sorry  in  Washington  tother 
night  where  there  was  a  tremenjus  numbur  of  kullud 
pussons,  &  some  of  the  fust  men  &  wimmin  of  Boston 
in  their  compuny." 

So  arteemass  prommist  2  get  some  niggurs  into  the 
establishment,  &  I'll  see  that  he  keeps  his  word  2,  else 
he'll  get  my  blesson. 

The  minister  said  that  his  feelinks  was  much  hurt  2 
see  the  prejudis  against  kullur  all  threw  the  country  ; 
he  said  he  was  paned  at  his  hart  2  see  sitch  biggottry 
Then  I  advised  him  to  put  on  a  white  bread  polltus  on 
his  brest  &  live  on  a  milk  diet,  which  would  releave 
the  pane. 

So  when  Mr.  Lilly  seen  that  I  had  a  feeling  for  him, 
he  said:  "Thou  air  not  flir  from  the  kingdom." 

"  I'm  very  much  obliged  2  yer,  I'm  shure,"  said  I. 
"  whether  you  are  in  earnest  or  only  in  fun,  it  air  a  com- 
plement anyhow." 


4Q  BETSEY   JANE  WAED 

Whilst  we  were  talking,  2  drunking  sailures  come  in 
&  sot  down  jest  by  the  side  of  the  desk,  and  I  node  by 
the  weigh  they  winked  at  each  other  that  they  was 
there  for  no  good ;   so  I  kep  my  i  onto  uni. 

I've  got  a  look  that  goes  rite  threw  people  when  they 
have  got  a  gilty  konshuns  ;  so  I  fixed  my  pursing  gase 
rite  onto  their  kountenanses  all  the  time,  till  1  of  um 
asked  me  ef  I  woodent  go  out  with  him  &  take  some- 
thing. 

He'd  hev  got  my  Wesson  ef  the  minister  hadent  be- 
gun to  preech  just  at  that  minnit.  He  preechcd  buti- 
fuller  than  anybody  that  ever  held  4th  in  that  skool- 
house.  His  sarmint  was  took  down  for  the  Bugle 
Horn  of  Liberty,  &  was  printed  in  that  paper,  2  wit: 

Ladies  &  Gembl'men  ob  boff  cullurs  :  On  dis 
solium  'casion  I  'dress  you  breefly,  bekuz,  arter  de 
'sembly  am  'spersed,  I  is  got  to  'tend  a  sony  at  de 
house  of  de  Hon.  Massa  Bluelight,  which  are  gibben  in 
honor  ob  do  'lection  ob  a  kuUud  pusson  to  de  ofiis  ob 
hog-reeve. 

1  hope  the  time  come  shortly  wen  nobody  hold  offis 
'cept  de  poppy lation  ob  kuUur.  [Amen  from  several 
colored  individuals.]  I  tell  you  gembl'men  &  lady,  dat 
dis  child  bleaves  in  rotoration  in  oflis.  De  white  fokes 
hab  had  all  de  offis  dis  eighty  year,  &  now  de  time  is 
come  for  kullud  pussons  to  hab  dar  turn.  But  dar  is 
some  who  isn't  willin  dat  de  people  of  kuUur  should 
have  suffrage.     Dey  not  'low  you  to  vote  at  all. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  49 

But  we  see  'bout  dat.  De  debble  &  Jeff.  Davis  a  in 
overfroue.  Dcy  make  war  against  dc  Norf  &  dey 
coudn't  purwail ;  doy  call  upon  de  fadder,  de  olc  Beelze- 
bub for  help  &  he  fail  to  come  to  time.  Bey  get  liclved 
ebery  whar,  &  now  dey's  got  to  gib  suffage  to  de  peeple 
ob  kuller  whadder  dey  like  it  or  not. 

Wot  do  you  spose  we  want  dc  suffage  for  ?  Dar  am 
reason  enough  for  dat,  we  wants  de  suffage  dat  we  may 
hang  Jeff.  Davis  in  de  fust  place ;  den  we  wants  de 
suffage  dat  we  may  hang  all  de  rest  ob  dem  dat  hav 
been  'gaged  in  de  rebellion  ;  den  we  wants  de  suffage 
dat  we  may  hang  all  dem  folks  at  "the  Norf  dat  simutize 
wid  de  rebals  &  dat  wote  agin  Marse  Linkum. 

Den  we  wants  de  suffage  to  make  law  dat  anyboddy 
dat  gibs  sass  to  a  pusson  ob  kuller  shall  be  hung  right 
off  v.idout  benefit  ob  clargy.  Den  we  wants  de  suffage 
so  dat  white  fellersr  shall  be  de  sarvints  ob  de  kuUud 
poppylation,  &  so  dat  white  gals  shall  be  'bliged  to  make 
manners  to  kullud  ladies  vvhcnebber  doy  meet  de 
same  in  de  'treet,  ["  Go  it,  blacksuake  !''  from  a  sailor 
near  the  desk.] 

Who  dat  yare?  Who  sings  out  Ijlacksnake  on  dis 
solium  'casion  ?  Blacksnakc.you'seff,  von  onsarciimsiz- 
ed  philistion!  Put  dat  scorpion  out  ol>  dc  Jiouse  1 
[Here  two  lank  gentlemen  with  long  hair  rose  to  tiiirn 
out  two  rowdy  sailors  who  were  near  the  desk,  &  one 
of  whom    had   caused    the   interruption.      The   sailors 


50  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

squared  off  &  aimed  a  blow  at  the  gentlemen  with  hair 
when  the  latter  fled  amain,  leaping  over  benches  and  near- 
ly upsetting  the  highly  respected  lady  of  Mr.  Ward,  the 
distinguished  exhibitor  of  wax  figures.]  Why  you  no 
put  dem  monster  out  ob  de  house  ? — Dey  hab  been 
guilty  ob  capital  'fence — dey  sturb  kullud  gembl'man. 
We  gwi'ne  to  hab  a  law  to  hang  ebery  white  fokes  dat 
'suit  de  poppy lation  ob  kullur. 

I  'fuse  to  'peak  n udder  word  till  dem  'stroplus  reper- 
bate  is  gwine  out  ob  dis  sakid  edufice. 

[Here  the  two  sailors,  encouraged  by  the  impunity 
with  which  they  had  already  offended,  assailed  the  color 
ed  gentlemen,  and  caught  him  by  the  wool.] 

Leggo  my  hair,  I  tell  you  !  Wot  dis  congrergation 
'bout  to  see  a  holy  pusson  pressecuted  in  dis  manner? 
I  am  a  martyr  ob  kullur  ! 

[Here  the  ladies  began  to  disperse,  and  the  sailors, 
perceiving  that  the  meeting  was  broken  up,  changed 
their  tune,  pretended  friendship  for  the  reverend  gen- 
tlemen, and  invited  him  to  the  tavern  where  his  wrongs 
were  redressed  and  his  lacerated  feelings  soothed  with 
frequent  potations  of  corn  whiskey.  He  was  heard  to 
remark,  as  he  tossed  off  the  seventh  glass :  "  Ah,  brud- 
dring,  I  always  knowd  dar  was  balm  in  Gilhead — pass 
de  water,  landlord."]  — J7<e  Bugle  Horn  of  Liberty. 

That's  the  weigh  the  sarmint  air  printed  in  the  Bugle 
But  the  edditor  havn't  put  down  the  konduck  of  artec- 


■     nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  51 

mas,  hoo  larft  out  loud  \vhen  the  minnister  was  pulled 
out  of  his  plaice  by  the  hare  of  the  hed. 

Think  of  the  cnormus  konduct  of  a  man  like  artce- 
mass,  the  respeckted  profession  of  lions,  tygers,  &  wax 
figgurs,  &  the  father  of  twins. 

Whilst  they  were  abushig  the  kullud  bruthur,  I  riz  up 
in  my  seat  kawled  on  all  the  wimmin's  rites  femail 
present  to  come  to  the  resqueuo  of  the  holy  man,  but 
they  seemed  2  be  all  dumb  founded,  &  cleared  out  of 
like  a  flock  of  sheep  skeart  by  a  wolf. 

But  arfture  I  got  arteemas  home,  I  gin  him  setch  a 
leckchure  that  I'll  be  bound  he'll  never  be  guilty  of 
setch  orful  kornduck  agin. 

And  they  wuz  anuthur  thing  2.  When  arteemas 
wuz  going  into  the  house,  a  yellure  dorg  call  Toby  bit 
him  on  the  kaff  of  the  laig.  I  telled  arteemass  that  were 
a  gudgment  onto  him  for  the  misskornduck  which  he 
were  guilty  of  in  larfing  in  the  skoolhouse,  &  I  tawkt 
2  him  that  were  a  gudgment  on  him  2.  At  larst, 
when  he  promist  to  be  a  obeedyunt  huzband  in  footur, 
I  let  him  go  to  sleep. 


52  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


PHARMACY    EXTRAORDINARY. 

It  air  about  2  yeer  ago  which  arteemass  konsayted 
he  were  going  2  hev  the  kollery.  He  kom planed  of 
panes  in  his  hart,  &  his  laigs,  &  compression  of  sperrits. 

I  telled  him  that  were  not  the  simtoms  of  the  kollery. 
but  nothing  wood  sattisfy  arteemass  ;  he  must  be  dock- 
tured  rite  off. 

So  we  lookt  over  a  docktur  book  together,  &:  found 
that  brandy  were  a  grate  meddysin  for  the  kollery. 
Arteemass  jumpt  rite  up  &  deklared  that  it  was  jest 
the  meddysin  he'd  been  longing  for,  Natur  had  pinted 
it  2  his  own  mind  be4  he  had  red  a  word  about  it  onto 
the  docktur  book. 

But  I  had  2  words  to  say  2  that  bargain.  Arteemas 
kewrd  by  brandy  would  be  arteemass  drunk  as  a  koot, 
&  I  couldn't  think  onto  it,  no  how. 

1  telled  him  that  we'd  send  for  a  docktur  &  larn  of 
him,  fust,  whether  the  brandy  was  kneaded  or  knot 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  53 

Arteemas  hung  on  a  long  spell,  but  I  wouldn't  heer  2 
it,  iinelly  he  gove  in  &  agreed  2  hev  the  docktur. 

The  raal  docktur  want  at  home,  &  so  we  had  2  get 
his  man,  a  yung  fellure  that  were  studdying  for  a  dock- 
tur in  the  orfiss. 

This  yung  f'elure  wore  a  high  hat  &  rufle-shurt,  and 
high-heel  boots,  &  straps  to  his  pantyloons  that  was  so 
tite  that  he  couldn't  stupe  down  2  pick  up  his  hat  when 
it  bloo  orf,  &  was  obleejed  2  pay  a  boy  2  pick  it  up  for 
him. 

The  peple  were  afeard  2  speak  2  him,  he  were  sich  a 
monstracious  griate  man,  &  when  he  come  to  our  tent, 
he  akted  as  ef  he  thort  it  very  small  biznis  2  docktur  ar- 
teemas, &  had  something  onto  hiz  mind  of  grater  im- 
portence  than  that,  &  were  into  a  hurry  2  go  aweigh 
again. 

"  What  air  yure  komplaynt  1"  sez  he. 

*'  The  kollery,"  sez  arteemass. 

He  jumpt  rite  up  &  busted  1  of  the  straps  of  his 
trowzez,  &  ax  for  some  vinnigger  2  smell  of  vvhilst  he 
stayed,  for  fear  of  ketchin  the  disees,  &  loozing  his  val- 
ubel  life. 

When  he  sez,  "  Less  see  yure  tung,"  arteemass  telled 
him  nothing  was  the  matter  with  his  tung ;  the  disees 
were  in  his  head  &  kaffs  of  his  laigs. 

"  Run  out  yure  tung  !"  sez  he  in  a  loud  voyce,  as  ef  he 
was  Capting  of  the  Baldinsville  millishy. 


54  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

So  arteemass  stuck  it  out.  lie  lookt  at  the  tuii^,  Sz 
shook  his  head  as  ef  lie  were  trying  to  shake  awl  his 
hare  orf. 

Then  ho  ketched  holt  of  arteemass's  rist  «fe  squeezed 
that  a  little  wile,  &  held  his  hed  a  1  side  as  ef  he  was 
lissening  2  something. 

"  How  doo  you  sleep  1"  sez  he. 


"  Two  in  a  bed,"  ansured  arteemass. 

"  That's  knot  what  1  meen,"  sez  he ;  "  doo  you  sleep 
well  ?" 

"  Why,  yes — kind  o'  well,"  sez  arteemass  ;  '*  that  air 
is  to  say,  I  sleep  well  when  Betsey  Jane  don't  akt 
ornery " 

1  gove  arteemass  a  purcing  look  &  he  shut  up. 

"  Well,  docktur,"  sez  I ;  "  what  meddysin  must  he 
take  ?" 

"  Never  mind  meddysin,"  sez  he ;  "  in  the  fust  place, 
bathe  his  extreemities  a  quartur  of  an  our  in  hot 
water." 

He  cleared  rite  out  &  left  us  both  nonplussed.  W^e 
was  appeerently  left  into  a  fix,  for  we  dikn't  know 
what  he  meant  by  extreemities. 

I  concluded  we'd  best  to  inquire  of  the  ministur. 

I  sot  out  for  the  ministur's  house  which  it  is  called 
the  parsinedge  in  these  parts,  &  I  met  him  haff  weigh 
in  the  street. 

I  arsked  him  to  tell  me  what  was  the  extreemities 
of  a  human  critcr. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  55 

"Why,"  sez  he;  "in  the  langguidge  of  a  grate 
author,  '  Man's  extreemity  air  God's  opportunity." 

So  T  went  back  to  arteemas  &  telled  him  what  the 
parson  said.  lie  said  there  were  no  cents  into  it, 
&  that  we  must  arsk  the  squire  what  the  extreemities 
of  a  hooman  was ;  &  the  squire  sed  the  head  &  the 
feet  of  a  man  air  his  2  extreemities. 

So  I  put  the  tikkittle  full  of  water  onto  the  fire,  & 
when  it  biled,  we  begun  for  to  kalqulate  how  to  bathe 
arteeemass's  2  extremities  a  quartur  of  an  our. 

Arteemass  sed  he  didn't  like  2  put  his  hed  in  hot  water 
a  quarter  of  an  our,  &  he  had  serus  dowts  whether  he 
could  holt  his  breth  so  long  as  that  without  choking.  I 
diddend  see  how  we  could  put  his  hed  &  feet  both  into 
the  hot  water  at  onct,  without  he  was  doubled  up, 
whitch  it  is  the  weigh  they  carry  a  pig  to  market. 

At  last  we  pored  out  the  water  from  the  tikkittle 
into  a  tub,  &  arteemass  put  his  hed  in,  but  it  were  2 
hot  and  skolt  him  so  thet  he  pulled  it  out. 

Jest  then,  the  old  doktor  come  in  hisself,  &  arsked  us 
what  we  were  doing  on. 

I  telled  him  that  we  was  going  to  bathe  the  2  ex- 
tremities of  arteemass  in  hot  water. 

He  arsked  us  what  put  sich  a  strange  noshun  into  our 
heels,  &  I  telled  him  it  were  his  young  jentleman. 

He  telled  us  it  were  all  wrong,  <fe  then  he  arskd  artee- 
mass what  were  his  komplaint. 


5G  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

"The  kollery,"  scz  artccmass. 

"  The  what?"  sez  the  doktor. 

"  The  koUery,"  sez  arteemass,  louder^i  ever. 

"  What's  yurc  simtoms  ?"  asked  the  doktor. 

"  Uead-ake  &  pains  in  my  kafFs,"  sez  arteemas. 

"  Yure  a  kaff  yurself,"  sez  he  ;  "  that's  know  kollery  ; 
but  if  you  ain't  keerful  you  may  have  the  dipthury,  or 
the  brown-keetus,  or  the  kronnect  or  the  billgus,  or  the 
the  dusppersy,  but  as  for  the  ashyottuck  kollery  yu've 
got  know  more  of  it  as  my  hoss." 

AVhen  arteemass  sed  he  was  sure  it  must  be  the 
kollery,  &  wanted  the  doktor  to  describe  for  it. 

"  It's  no  use  to  descride  for  a  disorder  which  is  not  in 
yure  sistem,"  sez  the  doktor  ;  "  the  whole  material  me 
duca  wouldn't  do  you  know  good  without  you  hit  onto 
the  rite  disees.     Less  see  yur  tung." 

"They's  know  use  looking  at  my  tung,  whitch  is 
nothing  the  matter  into  it,"  sez  arteemass ;  *•'  though  ef 
yu  can  doo  anything  in  that  line,  I  wish  you'd  look  at 
Betsey  Jane's  &  describe  something  for  that." 

Then  the  doktor  was  struck  with  larftur,  &  said  he 
would  give  a  sedative,  &  he  supposed  the  attakts  was  in- 
tromittreut. 

At  larst  he  obsarved  that  as  arteemass  node  a  gray 
deal  mourn  he  did  about  the  heeling  art  &  the  pracktus 
of  meddysin,  &  about  the  kollery  and  other  diseesas,  he. 
diddent  see  know  use  m  his  staying  any  longer. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  .       57 

Then  arteemass  asked  him  for  15  scents,  &  the  dok- 
tor  looked  up  astonicht  &  wanted  to  no  what  he  nient. 

"  Bekaws  yu've  seen  all  my  beastesses,  &  wax  liggurs 
here,"  sez  ai'teemass,  "  &  haint  gove  me  no  mcddyshis 
to  take.  Therefore  you  have  had  the  bennifit  of  the 
sho  for  nothing,  &  must  pay  like  any  other  individo- 
val." 

"  No,  I  charge  for  the  visit,"  sez  the  doktor. 

"'But  you  haint  done  nothing,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  so, 
pay  for  what  you  have  seen — 15  scents,  children  1-2 
price." 

Then  the  doktor  storked  out  of  the  tent  without 
another  word,  as  ef  we  was  nobody,  and  arteemass  the 
father  of  twins  and  me  ivussia  the  same  this  blessed 
minnit." 


5S  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 


THE    DUEL. 

Never,  sence  Anieriky  were  invented  by  Columbyus, 
were  they  a  more  skandlus  thing  done  than  when  a  big 
Dutchman  come  into  our  parts  with  his  sho,  &  sot  up 
rite  under  our  knows,  &  got  out  his  han-bill  jest  like 
ourn,  &  had  um  printed  by  the  same  typester  thet 
printed  ourn. 

He  had  a  little  tent  that  were  not  haffas  big  as  ourn, 
&  had  nothing  in  it  but  five  munkees,  a  woodchuck,  a 
Paul  parrut,  &  some  sliterhand  tricks,  like  eating  toe, 
&;  spurting  fire  out  of  his  mouth,  <fc  torking  through 
his  knows,  which  it  was  calt  ventrilokwissum. 

Me  and  Arteemass  held  a  talk  together  about  it,  & 
kornkluded  that  it  was  best  2  make  those  imposture 
hand  in  his  reezignation,  or  pull  his  tent  down  by 
forsing  arms,  espeshully  as  lots  of  peple  went  to  his 
sho,  which  they  seemed  to  undervally  ourn  akkor- 
deutly. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  59 

Fust  of  all,  we  kornkluded  to  try  morrill  swaysuhn. 
We  drest  up  into  our  best  kloze,  &  I  put  on  my  black 
silk,  which  it  were  rarely  seldom  wore  eggsept  on  the 
Sabbath  &  on  Forther  July. 

We  started  for  the  Dutchman's  tent  &  kornkluded  to 
foot  it,  tho  arteemass  thort  it  wood  be  more  jenteal  2 
go  into  a  wagging  or  a  shaze.  But  it  were  only  a 
kwartur  of  a  mile  2  the  place,  &  I  was  for  footing  it  on 
shank's  mayor. 

So  we  walked  up  to  the  Dutchman's  tent,  <fe  found 
him  setting  outside  &  smoking  his  doodeen. 

Arteemass  took  off  his  hat  very  perlite,  &  made  his 
manners.  The  Dutchman  stared  rite  at  him,  &  kept  on 
smoking  without  sayne  a  word. 

When  arteemas  seen  he  behaved  so  ornery,  he  put 
on  his  hat  agin,  &  sed :  "  Good  morning." 

"  Guten  morgen,"  sez  the  Dutchman,  but  kept  on 
smoking  awl  the  time. 

Then  arteemass  was  appeerently  a  little  stuck,  & 
kauft,  bekawse  he  couldn't  think  of  nothing  else  to  say. 

Then  I  stept  forrud,  &  I  fixt  my  purcing  gaze  onto 
the  Dutchman,  &  sez  I : 

"  Mister,  we've  cum  to  see  you  about  that  little 
effare,  which  they  say  you  air  going  two  take  root  in 
this  yere  spot,  tho  for  that  you're  big  enuff  now  without 
growing  iny  more." 

He  smoked  away  till   he  seen  I  was  intirely  done 


60  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD. 

speeking,  &  then  he  turned  to  arteemass,  as  inniirsent 
as  the  angle  Gabberrell,  <fc  sez :  "  Woven  spricht  sic  T' 

"  What  is  he  a-talking  about  1"  hollurd  arteemass, 
which  his  dandy  was  riz  at  this  insult  to  his  better  half, 
&  she  nussin  a  pair  o'  twins  this  blessed  minnit.  "  Fll 
let  you  no  what  she  air  talking  about,  you  leather  bed- 
ded son  of  a  dorg,  that's  a  come  squarting  onto  these 
permisses  &;  interfearing  with  the  rites  o'  man  in  the 
most  ongodly  manner." 

"  Mine  tent — she  shall  stay,  already,"'  ansurd  the 
Dutchman,  <fe  then  korntinyude  2  smoke  as  ef  nothing 
was  the  matter. 

That  riled  me  &  arteemass  mourn  ef  he'd  spit  in  our 
faces,  &  arteemass  obsarved  to  the  Dutchman  that  it 
was  only  the  tost  up  of  a  copper  with  him  whether  to 
jump  down  his  throat  or  kut  both  his  ears  orf. 

Then  the  Dutchman  jumpt  up  &  thumped  onto  his 
breast  with  his  thumb,  and  began  to  talk  about  "  Mine 
honor — mine  honor,"  &  that  air  awl  we  could  compre- 
hend of  his  tawk. 

Then  he  went  inside  his  tent,  &  a  boy  come  out,  &; 
said  the  boss  would  send  us  a  letter. 

So,  both  on  us  went  back  to  our  tent  in  high  dungeon, 
&  pritty  soon  arteemass  gut  a  letter.  He  red  it  &  put 
it  in2  his  buzzim  without  sayne  a  word  2  me  about  the 
korntents  of  the  same. 

So,  I  suspicioned  they  was  something  rong,  which  he 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  (51 

v>'ould  hev  shode  it  2  me  ef  awl  was  rite  in   those 
letter. 

I  watched  on  the  sly  that  night,  when  arteemass  was 
rapped  in  pieceful  slumbers,  I  gut  holt  of  the  letter  & 
red  as  followers  : 

"  Mynheer  Wadds  :  Dundar  <fe  blixen,  it  vash  mine 
honor  as  shall  be  put  in  de  fire  von  tausendste  times 
ven  you  shall  told  me  vat  ish  say  von  time  te  day  after 
yesterday,  von  tarn  ! 

"  Vat  you  call  in  your  tam  Englische  ven  you  vash 
fight  mit  von  gewehr,  von,  zwey,  drey — bang ! 

"  I  vash  fight  mit  you,  &  see  vat  come  ef  your  wax 
figgure,  ha  !  In  to-morrow's  morning  drey  o'clock  at 
sundowns,  pehind  mine  tent.  1  shoot  you  in  te  head  <fc 
kill  you  in  te  face,  py  tam ! 

"  Henrich  Gotleib  Von  Vanbenschoten." 

As  sune  as  I  red  that,  I  node  it  was  a  dual,  <k  I  spose 
arteemass  eggspekted  to  get  orf  &  fite  that  Dutchman 
without  my  nolidge ;  but  I  node  how  it  would  cum  out 
ef  he  went  alone.  Arteemass  is  northing  better  as  an 
orfin  when  he  is  divided  from  his  better  half,  &  so  I 
watched  for  the  dual  with  the  intarmination  2  hev  a 
fingger  in  the  pye. 

Tords  morning,  I  faned  2  be  a  vicktim  two  the 
drowsee  god,  &  snored  as  ef  awl  creation  had  got  the 
croop.  I  kept  1  i  half  open,  &  seen  arteemass  put  on 
his  close  in  a  hurry,  &  take  an  epistle  out  of  his  trunk, 
&;  lode  it  up  two  the  mussle  with  powder  &  bawl. 

Then  he  come  along  &  looked  at  me  &  the  twins  & 
they  a  nussin  awl  the  time. 


62  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

Then  he  lift  up  his  eyes  tords  the  plastering,  &  scz 
he: 

"  I'm  going,  like  Roller,  to  meet  Piazza  on  the  field 
of  battle,  &  2  leave  this  onpurtected  widder  &  orfins 
to  a  cold,  onfeeling  world,  which  it  air  a  solium  moment 
to  leave  them  &  my  wild  beastesses  Sc  wax  figgers, 
which  they  air  to  be  seen  for  15  scents — children  half 
price." 

Then  he  went  on  &  bid  a  very  affective  farewell  to 
the  kangeroo;  <fe  arfture  that  I  hearn  him  go  out  &  shct 
the  door. 

I  slipped  on  my  short  gownd  <fe  followered  him 
immejuntly. 

I  node  where  the  dual  was  to  be  fout,  &  so  I  kept 
well  behind,  but  I  got  to  the  plaice  at  last,  and  the 
Dutchman  was  there  with  his  epistle  in 'his  hand,  which 
it  shook  as  ef  his  body  were  a  personified  erthquake. 

I  walked  rite  up  2  the  side  of  arteemass,  &  as  sune 
as  the  Dutchman  seen  me,  he  begun  2  be  as  brave  as  a 
lyon,  &  he  strutted  about  the  ground  &  begun  nokking 
his  breast  with  his  epistle  <fe  hollering  out :  "  Mine 
honour!  mine  honour  !  I  vash  kill  you  tead  in  te  face 
like  von  slaughter-house,  py  tam  !". 

Then  I  sez  to  him :  "  Why  don't  you  take  your  place 
&  prepair  2  exchanje  shot,  with  arteemass  ?" 

"  I  never  fites  von  fraus,"  sez  he ;  "  Te  fraus  is  too 
scared  of  te  fires.     Go  away  &  leave  te  grounds  toet 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  63 

»^ 

"Never  mind,  mister,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "she  can't 
doo  no  hurt  here,  &  when  Betsy  Jane  makes  up  her 
mind  to  a  thing,  you  couldn't  draw  her  out  of  the  idee 
ef  you  put  on  awl  the  ox-teams  in  Injinnapylus." 

The  Dutchman  sed  he  never  hearn  of  sich  like,  <fc  he 
sposed  the  wife  would  alius  hinder  her  husband  from 
fiting  a  dual,  &  he  groo  paler  &  paler,  &  trimbled 
mourn  more,  wen  he  found  I  haddend  come  for  2  pre- 
vent arteemass  from  fiting  the  duel. 

"  Come,  Mynheer  Vanbenschoten,"    sez   arteemass ;  ^ 

"  stand  off,  &  let's  hev  a  crack  at  1  anuther." 

Then,  awl  at  onct,  the  Dutchman  throo  up  his  hands 
&,  sez  : 

"Oh  !  mein  Gott !  vot  a  misherable   sinner  I  am  !" 

"  What's  the  matter  ?"  sez  I. 

"Oh!  I  ish  hev  forgot,"  Sez  he;  "dish  is  von  holy 
day  in  my  church  !  I  shall  forgot  all  apout  te  holy 
days — I  shall  pe  so  vicked  as  never  shall  pe,  already,  to 
fight  von  duels  on  te  holy  day.  Te  duel  must  pe  put 
off  till  to-morrow  in  the  arfture  noon,  two  o'clock  tay 
after  yesterday  morning." 

"  Well,"  sed  arteemass  ;  "  I  must  abserve  that  I  don't 
think  inny  the  less  of  no  man  for  attendin'  two  his  re- 
lijus  dooties,  &;  ef  that's  your  reezing  for  delay,  we'll 
make  the  affare  posthumous  for  the  present.  But  wen 
you  fixes  the  time,  nabur,  please  be  partikular  that  it 
don't  com    on  no  holy  day  agin,  else  I'll  shoot  you  per- 


G4  BETSEY   JANE  WAED 

miscuous,  rite  down,  imiy  where  I  can  ketch  you,  &, 
here's  Betsey  Jane  two  prove  I  telled  you  so. 

^o  they  fixt  on  the  next  morning  for  the  duel  ;  &  ar 
teemass  &  me  got  up  rite  urly  &  went  onto  the  ground  : 
but  they  was  no  Dutchman  left.  His  tent  were  gone  &; 
his  munkees,  &  his  Paul  parrut,  &  he  were  gone  his« 
self. 

That  was  the  last  we  ever  seed  of  Mynheer  Von 
Vanbenschoten. 


HUR  BOOK  OF   GOARS.  G5 


VISIT    TO    NEW  YORK   CITY. 

Larst  summer,  arteemass's  cuisine,  Relief  Stafford, 
come  onto  a  visit  at  Baklinsville,  <fc  tolled  us  she  had 
been  two  New  York  whare  everyboddy  that  air  got  2 
grains  of  common  sense  can  picli  up  munny  like  the 
moonbeams  that  shines  for  awl. 

She  shode  us  lots  of  ellegunt  goold  Jewelry  that  she 
bawt  in  Chattum  street  at  a  awkshun  store,  enemast 
nothing  at  awl,  &  said  that  inything  yu  wanted  yu  kood 
get  dorg  cheap  into  New  York. 

That  sot  me  &  arteemass  2  kornsiddering,  for  Relief 
was  no  grate  surkumstans,  &  ef  she  cood  do  so  well 
into  the  city,  we'd  ought  two  make  a  forshune  in  1 
week ;  for  arteemass  was  alius  noan  for  his  talons  into 
the  sho  biznis,  <fe  as  for  me,  I  was  grate  at  providing  &; 
giving  good  advice,  which  it  was  arteemass's  dooty  two 
take,  ef  he  didn't  want  what  paddy  gove  the  drum. 

So  arteemass,  he  drest  up  into  his  best,  &  I  put  on 
my  black  silk  which  it  is  rarely  seldom  it  goes  onto  my 


60  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

back  oggsept  for  the  Sabbaoth  &  other  holly  days,  & 
we  sot  out  for  the  grate  city  of  New  York,  like  Paul 
going  up  to  Jerusalem. 

When  we  arrove  in  New  York,  we  looked  around 
upon  the  peple,  &  arteemass  he  sirvayd  them  with  a 
sort  of  grashus  smile  at  there  ignurrens,  for  they  little 
node  that  he  was  the  grate  wax  figgur  man  from  Bal- 
dinsville,  &  the  women  awl  hurrid  by  without  kerchee- 
ing  two  me  for  they  little  node  that  I  was  the  wife  to 
the  grate  sho  man  hissclf. 

Fust,  we  come  to  a  grate  lot  that  was  fenced  in,  & 
in  the  middle  of  it  there  stood  an  allfired  big  house  awl 
made  of  marvel,  &  they  called  it  the  city  haul.  It  is 
the  place  wheire  the  mare  lives,  <fc  they  holt  the  court. 

Whilst  we  was  looking  at  this  big  bilding,  they  come 
along  a  woman  in  a  check  gownd  with  a  baskit  onto 
hur  arm.  She  was  about  my  haithe,  &  wore  a  cap  with 
a  laije  bordur,  and  her  arms  was  bear  &  was  very  big 
and  fat.  I  never  node  hur  name,  &  forgut  two  arsk 
hur  what  it  was.  But  she  arsked  arteemass  ef  he 
would  hev  some  whoffles  ;  he  looked  into  hur  baskit  & 
seen  something  there  that  lookd  pritty  nice — a  sort  of 
cakes  with  dents  into  um,  <fc  he  bort  six  of  "um,  &  we 
sot  down  onto  a  bench  <k  ete  um. 

So,  the  woman  sot  hur  baskit  down,  <t  arsked  us  ef 
we'd  been  long  in  the  city.  We  tolled  hur  we'd  jist 
come  down,  &  arsked  hur  ef  she'd  been  there  long. 


HUE  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  67 

She  said  she  was  brawt  up  there  <fe  was  born  in 
orringe  street.  Then  artcemass  &  me  lookt  at  hur 
with  addniurashun,  and  she  sez  2  him  :  "  Does  vour 
muther  no  yu're  out  ]" 

Arteemass  tolled  hur  he  hadn't  gut  know  muther  & 
sez  he:  "It's  a  smart  piece  sense  the  good  woman  dide. 
She  was  25  veer  old  when  she  war  marrid,  &  she  jiiied 
the  meeting  house  when  she  was  44  yeer  old.  Kornse- 
kwentially,  she  made  a  good  eend." 

"  Yu  don't  say  ?"  sez  the  woman ;  "  &  what  did  yer 
pay  for  yer  noo  kote  1" 

"  I  took  it  in  barter  for  a  wax  figgur  of  Tekumsin,  & 
got  this  kote  &  a  picktur  of  Mr.  Buchanan,  the  Presi- 
dent." 

"  Yu  must  be  grate  onto  a  trade/'  sez  she  ;  "  did  yu 
ever  no  Mr.  Buchanan." 

"  Not  personified,"  ansurd  arteemass  '*  but  we've  got 
his  bock." 

"What  book  is  that?"  sez  she. 

"  It's  a  big  book  of  meddysin  for  famellies,"  sez 
arteemass. 

So,  she  sed  she  must  be  going,  &  got  up.  Arteemass 
&  me  both  shook  bans  with  hur,  &  give  a  invite  to  call 
&  see  us  when  she  come  two  Baldinsville,  &  arteemass 
sez :  '•'  Ef  ever  yu  come  up  our  weigh,  yu  shall  be  wel- 
come to  see  the  sho  for  ten  scents,  whitch  it  is  5  scents 
took  orf  from  motyves  of  frendship." 


08  BETSEY   JA^'E   WARD. 

She  sed  she'd  try  2  come. 

"  Doo  so,"  sez  arteemas  ;  "  sense  you'll  make  5 
scents  by  the  oppurashun." 

We  never  found  out  hoo  that  woman  was,  only  she 
had  good  strong  horse  sense,  &:  was  about  my  haithe  ; 
that  Tni  sure  on  as  I  stood  up  close  to  hur  two  try  the 
eggsperiment. 

At  inny  rate,  she'd  found  out  hoo  we  were  which  she 
would,  no  doubt,  tell  awl  the  people,  <fe  arteemass  kept 
lookin  behhid  him,  eggspecting  every  minnit  two  see 
the  crowd  come  running  arftur  him  to  inkwire  about 
the  kangaroo. 

Then  me  &  arteemass  went  up  and  stood  by  a 
pesky  big  wring  like  a  sirkuss,  <fc  they  tolled  us  it  was 
the  Fountain.  It  was  the  first  Fountain  I  ever  seen. 
It  was  a  big  round  hole  in  the  ground,  <fc  a  lot  of  old 
irun  in  the  middle  of  it.  We  couldn't  find  out  what 
they  did  with  it. 

A  felure  into  gray  klose  about  a  inch  taller  than  ar- 
teemass came  along  <fe  sez  to  him  :  "  Hullo  !  mistur ! 
hev  you  dropt  yer  pockit  book." 

Arteemas  put  his  hand  in  his  pockit  for  2  feel,  &;  sez 
he  :  "  Know^ — here  'tis,"  &  he  pulled  out  his  puss  & 
shode  it  to  the  felure. 

Then  the  felure  shode  arteemass  a  pockit-book  stuft 
full  of  notes,  &  sod  he'd  jist  pickt  it  up,  &  he  might 
hev  it  (fe  awl  the  munny  inside  of  it  for  10  dollurs." 


HUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  59 

"  What  hev  yu  found  thare,  nabur  ?"  said  anuthur 
felure  in  black  klose  hoo  come  up  jest  at  those  mo- 
ment. 

"  A  pockit-book — air  it  yourn  ?"  sez  the  first  felure. 

*'  No,  I  konsayte  it's  knot,"  "  but  I'll  give  yer  10  dol- 
lurs  for  it,  if  yer'U  trade." 

"  No,  I'm  bound  in  onur  to  let  this  jentlemun  hev  it, 
as  he  had  the  refuzle  of  it  he4  yu  come  up.  What  doo 
yer  say,  nabur  f 

I  winked  with  both  ize  2  arteemass,  for  I  seen  that 
the  pockit-book  had  mourn  20  bank  notes  into  it ;  but 
arteemass  sez : 

"  Stranger,  I  wish  to  make  a  obsarvation  which  it 
seems  onakkountable  that  ef  it  kontayns  so  much  mun- 
ny  as  yu  pertend,  that  you  doant  keep  the  pockit-bovjk 
yerself  insted  of  sell  in  it  for  10  dollurs. 

"  Bless  my  ize  !"  sed  the  felure  ;  "  did  I  fuggit  two  tell 
you  that  I'm  going  to  Kalyurforny  to-morrow  morning, 
&  these  yere  bills  being  as  how  they  air  awl  on  kuntry 
banks  will  be  of  no  mortel  use  tur  me  whatsomever  ? 
ten  dolluz  in  Noo  York  munny  is  worth  awl  of  um  2 
me,  yer  no." 

"  Less  look  at  the  bills,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Doo  yer  go  for  2  dowt  my  word  &  onor  ?"  sez  the 
felure,  &  he  begun  to  pull  up  his  sleeves  for  a  fite. 

But  a  kupple  of  men  in  Bloo  klose,  with  a  peace  of 
brass  hangin  on  their  surtoot  kofees,  happent   to   come 


70  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

that  weigh.  &  the  felure  chucked  the  pockit-book  in  2 
his  pock  it  <fe  made  tracts  across  the  field,  grately  to  the 
arshtonishmeiit  of  me  &  arteemass  hoo  hullurd^  two 
him  2  come  back. 

.  "  That's  the  felure — arfture  him  !"  sez  1  of  these  men 
in  the  bloo  klose. 

The}'  run  tk  the  felure  ruji,  &;  arteemass  arsked  the 
other  felure  hoo  stood  still,  what  they  were  goin  two 
doo  with  the  felure  that  had  git  the  pockit-book. 

"  Why,  you  see,"  sez  he,  "  they  want  to  ketch  him 
&  put  him  in  2  some  orfiss,  but  he's  2  moddest  two 
eggsept  of  it,  &  so  he  cuts  awl  he  nose." 


HUR  BOOK  OF^  GOAKS.  71 


THE  CANDIDATE. 

When  Jethro  Fish  was  put  up  for  a  candydate  for 
the  lejislachure,  arteemass  took  a  very  acktyve  part  in 
pollutiks,  for  he  had  node  Jethro,  man  &  boi,  mourn  30 
veer.  They  was  both  born  in  Baldinsville,  &  been  out 
cat-shooting  together,  many  air  the  time,  till  they  sawn 
the  mune  go  down,  &  the  tinkling  lites  of  the  villidge 
go  out  1  by  ],  like  the  aujiunz  when  the  korntribushun 
plate  is  coming  round  in  the  meeting  house. 

Arteemass  was  hot  for  putting  Jethro  rite  in  2  orfiss 
without  asking  him  inny  kwestions  about  his  footur 
kornduck ;  but,  as  I  were  a  member  of  the  Wimmins 
Rites  I  couldn't  think  of  trusting  him  till  I  node  what  he 
was  going  2  doo  arfture  his  election. 

I  tolled  arteemass  that  I  would  put  some  kwestions  2 
the  candydate,  &  ef  he  ansurd  em  rite,  I  would  give  my 
kornsent  for  him  two  vote  for  him. 

So,  I  took  a  peace  of  righting-paper  &  a  led  pensile  & 
rit  as  follows  : 

Mr.  Jethro  Fish,  Sir  :  As  you  air  up  for  candydate 


72  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

two  the  Lojislatoor.  I  rekuirc  yu  two  aiisur  the  follow- 
erih^  kwestions  be4  I  shall  let  my  husband  vote  for  yu 
—2  whit : 

1.  Air  you  of  opinion  that  pink-root  is  good  for  worms, 
<fc  do  you  no  how  to  piid<le  pigs'  feet? 

2.  Do  yu  believe  that  wininiin  air  as  mutch  rite  to 
vote  &  holt  orfiss  as  men,  &  will  yu  use  yure  infloounz 
two  hev  the  wimmin  eleckted  two  korngress  1 

3.  Do  yu  believe  that  the  wooman  is  the  hed  of  the 
man,  &,  that  a  disobedunt  husband  should  be  ducked 
into  the  hoss-pond  &  put  in  jale  arfturewads  till  his  wife 
sees  fit  2  let  him  out. 

4.  Do  you  believe  that  Paul  was  only  using  sarkasm 
when  he  sed  the  man  was  the  hed  of  the  wooman,  be- 
kaws  it  air  presisely  the  revarse. 

5.  Do  yu  believe  that  we  awt  2  believe  every  word 
of  the  Bible,  eggsept  whare  it  comes  in  kornflikt  with 
wimmins  Rites  docturings? 

9.  Do  yu  alius  let  yure  wife  hev  the  middle  of  the 
bed,  or  do  you  scrowge  hur  2  won  sighed  <fe  take  the 
best  place  yourself? 

7.  Do  you  believe  that  whare  a  man  is  up  for  the 
Lejislatoor,  a  kumunity  should  be  appinted  two  insult 
with  his  wife  &  diskivver  wether  she  thinks  him  worthy 

of  the  onor  ? 

By  ansuring  awl  these  qwestions  rite,  yu  may  get  the 
vote  of  my  husband  arteemass  ;  but,  otherwise,  you  m;u- 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  73 

look  out  for  squals,  let  me  here  from  yu  as  qwick  as 
possible,  (L'  I  remane,  respectively. 

Betsey  Jane  Ward. 

It  took  Jethro  a  hull  week  two  compose  his  ansur  as 
followering — 2  whit : 

Mrs.  Betsy  Jane  Ward  :  Madam :  I  was  agreeably 
surprised  by  a  communication  from  you — an  honor  a? 
little  reciprocated  as  it  was  merited.  Having  always 
regarded  you  as  a  lady  of  astonishing  intelligence  as 
well  as  moral  worth,  and,  as  I  am  a  family  man,  you 
will  permit  me  to  say,  adorned  with  every  charm  and 
grace  both  of  person  and  of  mind.  Beautiful  without 
affectation,  graceful  without  hypocrisy,  and,  dignified 
without  pride,  I  envy  my  friend  Ward  the  possession 
of  such  unparalleled  excellence — not  »to  say  angelic 
attributes,  though  I  might  say  it  in  truth,  had  I  not  set 
my  face  as  ^  flint  against  even  the  appearance  of  flattery. 
But  who  can  spend  an  hour  in  your  society  without  feel- 
ing as  if  he  had  been  in  Paradise,  talking  with  one  of  the 
heavenly  host,  who  so  often  visited  Adam  and  Eve 
amid  the  roseate  bowers^  and  instructed  them  in  virtue, 
in  true  wisdom  1  May  I  have  the  honor  to  subscribe 
myself,  very  respectfully, 

Your  humble  servant  and  ardent  admirer, 

Jethro  Fish. 


74  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

AVhen  I  reeseaved  that  letter  from  Mr.  Fish,  I  seen 
that  he  had  the  root  of  the  matter  in  him.  It  was  a 
ansur  in  full  2  awl  that  I  rekwired,  &  tolled  arteemass 
that  he  mite  put  in  2  votes,  or  half  a  duzzin,  for  Jethro, 
if  he  pleased. 

So  Jethro  was  elected,  &  I  may  talce  kreddlt  to  my- 
self for  having  eggzurted  myself  pursennelly  2  seacure 
his  elekshun. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  75 


SPIRITUAL    SIANCE. 

EvER-i  v-^OY  'what  nose  iny thing  of  wimmins  rites, 
nose  that  cptrri tool  ism  is  1  of  the  most  pertikklar 
pints  of  thhi  purswazhun. 

Thare4  I  thort  it  my  dooty  to  enkurridge  arteemass 
2  get  a  insight  into  the  sperritmeejiums. 

Sez  I :  "  arteemass,  yu  air  now  of  an  age  2  improve 
yure  introlects;  <fe  ever  sense  I  took  yu  under  my 
charge,  I  hev  felt  that  I  was  2  blame  for  not  instructing 
yu  in  the  hire  branches  of  eddikation." 

Then  arteemass  took  out  hiz  hankurcher  &;  blode  hiz 
knows  as  ef  heaven  &  urth  were  coming  together.  ^  I 
node  by  thet  thet  he  didn't  preshiate  my  obsarvation. 
It  was  the  only  weigh  in  which  he  dast  two  express  hiz 
descent  from  my  views. 

I  pade  know  attention  two  this  little  buy  play  onto 
his  part,  which  it  is  natchural  2  the  onrejinerot  man  as 
haz  never  took  lessings  in  hooman  proggress. 

I  tolled  him,  in  few  words,  thet  he  must  go  with  me 
to  the  house  of  Miss  Charity  Whipple  &  see  the  pur- 
formunz  of  the  sperrits,  as  Miss  Whipple  was  1  of  the 
most  exstrornary  trance  mejiuras  that  there  was  out. 


76  BETSEY  ja>;e  waed. 

"  It  air  imniiteral  2  Tnt^,"  sez  artccmass,  "  I  dornt  no 
northing  about  none-  of  um,  I  takes  no  interest  into  it 
whatsoniGver.  I'm  a  she  man  by  trade  &  a  professur 
of  wax  figgurs,  &  not  of  the  sperrit  shoze,  which  it  is 
something  out  of  my  line,  leastwise  yu  could  get  1  or 
2  sperrits  in2  the  tent  &  plaice  um  alongside  of  the 
wax  figgurs,  they  mite  doc  as  well  as  iny  other  qurios- 
sity/' 

I  tolled  arteemass  that  sitch  talk  was  profannity,  & 
thet  the  sperrits  was  invissubble  &  couldn't  be  kept  for 
a  sho,  only  the  demonstrayshuns,  sitch  as  tipping  tables 
rapping,  playing  onto  the  gittar,  &  righting  yure  name 
with  a  pensile  under  the  table. 

"  Well,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  stop  till  I  can  put  on  a 
cleen  biled  rag  &  I'm  with  yer  in  a  jiffy,  <fc  you'd  better 
put  on  yure  thick  shawl,  or  yu'll  ketch  cold  &  be  hors 
de  vombat.^^ 

"  Arteemass !"  I  obsarved,  fixing  onto  his  kowntin- 
nunz  my  purcing  gaze;  "arteemass,  is  thet  the  weigh 
for  2  speak  two  the  wife  of  your  buzzim — to  call  me  a 
horse,  &  me  nussin  twins  at  this  blessed  moment?" 

Howsumever,  we  got  reddy  <fe  started  orf. 

When  we  got  2  the  house  of  the  Whipples,  we  foun<^ 
all  the  ladiz  at  home,  &  about  a  duzzing  speritovals  cv 
both  secksez,  &  they  was  way  ting  for  me  &  arteemaa^ 
2  come. 

Then  we  awl  sot  around   a  little  pine  table,  for  th» 


HUE  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  77 

sperrits  like  2  hev  a  table  that  Is  cozy  two  lift.  Pritty 
soon  it  begun  2  tip,  &  I  tolled  arteemass  2  arsk  a 
kwcstion. 

lie  arsked  the  sperrit  ef  his  kangaroo  was  a  parfeckt- 
iy  harmless  beest,  &  the  table  -lifted  3  times,  whitcli  it 
air  in  the  cffirmitive. 

Then  arteemass  sed  it  was  rong,  &  was  going  to  tell 
how  the  kangaroo  had  bit  his  finger  eniir-most  orf ;  but 
I  kieked  him,  under  the  table,  onto  the  shin,  &  made 
him  shet  up;  beeaws  I  think  it  my  dooty  2  enkurridge 
the  specrits  &  knot  2  korntraydict  them. 

At  larst,  arteemass  konsayted  that  he  seen  the 
mejium  lift  up  the  table  by  placing  his  foot  aginst  a 
korner  of  the  leg. 

He  whispurd  2  an  onbeleever  skepticule  that  sot 
nixt  2  him,  <fc  they  watched  and  seen  him  doo  it,  & 
made  him  take  a  weigh  his  foot,  &  and  when  he  did,  he 
couldn't  make  the  table  lift  at  av.d. 

I  node  it  was  all  rite,  &  Miss  Whipple  took  me  in2 
the  other  room  &  eggsplaned  it  2  me  most  beautiful. 
She  sed  that  the  table  had  a  sperrit  as  well  as  a  human, 
&  the  sperrit  of  the  table  air  in  the  same  shape  as  the 
t^ible.  But  the  sperrit,  having  no  fleshly  hands,  can't 
move  the  table  itself  without  employing  the  hands  or 
feet  of  some  human  hoo  is  into  the  body. 

But  the  sperrit  ansurs  iny  kwestion  you  ask  him  by 
lifting  the  spirtt  of  the  table,  &  then  he  impresses  the 


78  BETSEY   J  AXE   WARD 

mejium  &  tells  him  when  the  sperrit  of  the  table  is 
lifted,  then  the  mejium  uses  his  hands  2  lift  the  table 
itself,  &;  lifts  it  just  as  minny  times  as  the  sperrit  tells 
him  2. 

I  seen  it  awl  as  plane  as  day,  for,  in  koarse,  the 
sperrit  can't  deal  with  materul  substances  without  using 
the  hands  of  a  materul  being  hoo  is  in  the  body.  But 
it  is  the  sperrit  hoo  tips  the  table  becaws  it  is  done  by 
hiz  ordurs,  jest  as  noe  bilt  the  ark,  tho  he  hired  100 
men  2  doo  it  for  him,  <fe  never  tutched  hammer  gnaw 
chizzle  with  his  oan  hand. 

Then  I  tolled  Miss  Whipple  that  I  would  eggsplane  it 
awl  2  arteemass,  but  she  sed  :  oh,  no,  thet  the  oninishi- 
atcd  wouldn't  beleeve  thet  the  sperret  had  inything  2 
doo  with  it  ef  they  node  that  the  table  was  lifted  by  the 
mejiums's  hands  or  feet.  They  would  say  it  air  awl 
done  by  musquelar  force,  whereas  the  musquelar  force 
isn't  applide  to  the  visible  table  till  arfture  the  sperrit 
of  the  table  has  been  lifted  by  sperrit  hands,  <fc  the 
mejium  air  instructed  by  the  spirrits  2  lift  the  visible 
table  with  his  visible  hands,  so  as  2  make  the  outward 
korrcspond  with  the  inward. 

Were4  she  tolled  nic  I  must  be  very  keerful  knot  2 
let  arteemass  or  iny  other  outsider  no  how  it  were 
done. 

Then  we  went  back  into  the  rheum,  and  Miss  Cli.nity 
Whipple  N\ent  in2  a  traiiz  iSi  begun  2  talk  bulil'iil.    »Shc 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  79 

SG.d  we  mite  arsk  questions,  &  arteemass  arsked  hiu* 
how  old  she  was. 

"  Mortal,  sez  she ;  *'  you  air  ignorunt  of  the  fust 
principuls  of  the  sperrits.  This  is  knot  Miss  Whipple 
what  air  speaking  two  you  now  ;  in:  air  a  sperrit  that,  is 
specking  through  hur,  &  the  mejium  herself  don't  no 
whet  she  sez,  nor  whet  yu  air  arsking  hur.  Yu  must 
arsk  some  kwestion  that  air  sootable  2  put  2  a  sperrit. 

"  Very  well.  Mister  Sperrit,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  I  will 
arsk  only  sitch  kwestions  as  oppurtanes  2  sperritooal 
subjects.  I  didn't  arsk  the  age  of  Miss  Whipple  be- 
kaws  I  kneaded  iny  informashun  onto  the  subject,  for  I 
noee  hur  age  as  well  as  she  nose  it  hurself;  she  is  jest 
48  year  of  age." 

Then  Miss  Whipple  sprung  up  in  hur  cheer  &  turned 
as  red  as  fire,  &  looked  round  onto  awl  the  men  that 
was  present,  &  she  hollurd  out :  "  It  air  a  lie !  it  air  a 
pesky  lie.  I  never  seen  30  yeer  yet.  Get  out  of  this 
rheum,  you  ornery,  good-for-nothing  wax  figgure  ped- 
dler." 

Then  arteemass  sez :  "  I  arsk  pardon  of  the  mejium 
for  telling  hur  age;  but  1  thort  I  were  spcekrng  to  the 
sperrit,  &  thort  she  dii^ln't  no  what  I  sed,  gnaw  what 
ansurs  she  was  making,  it  was  the  sperrit  specking 
through  hur.  But  praps  it's  only  the  sperrit  hoo  air  so 
mad  bekawse  I  tolled  the  ni'jiuiii's  age." 

Then  there  were  some  loud  l.iflui'o  hearn  ftom  1  ov  2 


80  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

skepticulls  hoo  was  present,  &  the  other  pursons  sign:- 
fide  that  arteemass  had  better  make  hisself  skurce,  as 
sitch  talk  were  never  aloud  in  sperrit-surkles,  &  that  free 
speech  M'as  alcud  in  the  surkles  purvided  they  didn't 
speak  inything  that  was  kontrary  to  the  trnth. 

Then  I  fixed  my  purcing  gaze  on  arteemass,  without 
sayen  anuthur  wor  J,  «fc  he  node  it  were  best  for  him  2 
shut  up,  for  everything  could  be  eggsplained,  though 
the  karnal-minded  wouldn't  understand.  It's  only  the 
wise  that  can  understand  these  misteries,  <fe  when  they 
onct  git  nishiated  it's  awl  as  plane  as  day  ;  but  artee- 
mass never  had  my  good  strong  horse  sense,  but  was 
alius  a  little  shaky  about  the  intrellecks. 

Howsomever,  he  dasn't  say  northing  agin  the  troo 
docturi ng  be4  me,  for  sperritoolism  <fe  wimmins  rites  has 
got  2  flote  together  where  they  air  established  onto  the 
same  sollid  rock. 


lIUFw  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  81 


A  FAMILY  SQUABLE. 

It  air  sometimes  the  case  tliat  the  wife — hoo  air  na- 
churally  the  head  of  the  fammily —  has  got  awl  the  iii- 
trellect  that  they  air  in  the  hull  establishment.  Sitcli 
air  the  case  with  me  &  arteemass.  He  air  got  some 
talons  for  wax  figgurs  &  kangaroos,  but  my  gift  air  al- 
together of  the  intellectooal  specie. 

Larst  Friday,  I  had  a  sellect  party  of  the  litturary 
at  our  tent,  &  we  insulted  together  about  the  best  weigh 
of  governing  ^he  kuntry ;  &  koncluded  two  prepare  a 
pittion  to  kongress  sitting  4th  the  rongs  that  air  suffurd 
by  the  fiire  sect. 

Arteemass  wanted  that  I  should  attend  to  the  bizniss 
of  taking  munny  at  the  door,  as  they  were  a  hoss-race 
in  the  neighborhood  &  minny  foks  coming  2  our 
sho  w. 

A  little  dispute  grode  up  out  of  it,  like  Gonan*s 
gourd,  &  arteemass  behaved  into  the  scandillust  man- 
ner, &  I'd  better  leeve  holding  perlittikul   meetings  to 

the  other   sect.     So,  we   went   on  from   one   thing   2 
4* 


r;.^2  BETSEY    JfAXE   WARD 

another,  till  he  incinnivateJ  that  I  negleted  his  Idoso,  &; 
that  his  storkiiigs  was  never  darned,  <fc  it  was  onpossi- 
blc  to  no  whitch  weigh  2  put  um  on. 

That  was  the  most  insultingest  story  that  was  ever 
tolled  about  a  pare  of  storkings,  for  I  took  pertikyou- 
lar  panes  2  mark  the  tops  of  the  storkings  with  a  peace 
of  red  chawk  that  he  mite  no  at  which  end  2  put  in  his 
foot,  &  I  did  this  bekaws  he  was  kontinyoually  getting 
um  on  upsighed  down,  though  for  that  it  made  little  dif- 
furunce,  eggsept  into  the  idee  of  the  thing,  as  the  open- 
ing in  the  foot  was  as  big  as  the  opening  at  the  top. 

The  chawk  mark  at  the  top  ansurd  every  purpuss  6z  it 
air  knot  2  be  eggspccted  that  a  wooman  hoo  has  2  at- 
tend 2  the  reforms  of  the  day,  can  attend  2  sitch  ornery 
matter  as  the  mending  of  a  pare  of  storkings. 

The  pressident  of  our  sossiety  took  up  for  me,  &  she 
tolled  arteemass  that  thay  was  onfurnished  logings  in 
his  head,  &  that  he'd  better  let  out  the  top  part  of  it  for 
a  Police  Station,  &  he  telled  hur  that  the  top  part  of  hur 
head  was  used  for  that  all  reddy,  awl  but  the  fust 
syllabuU. 

But  I  giv  him  my  purcing  gaze,  «fc  he  maid  hisself 
skuree. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  83 


THE  SMLlNG  PARTY. 

1  morning  they  cum  2  our  place,  a  cuisine  of  art(fe- 
mass  from  down  2  Banggaw,  whare  he  caries  on  the  solt- 
hiff  down-kodfish  bizniss. 

Arfture  we  had  ett  our  brekfust,  the  cuisine,  hooze 
name  was  Benjimmin  Chace,  sed  he'd  like  2  toke  a  sale 
up  &  down  the  river,  &  he  node  a  man  that  had  a  small 
slupe  with  1  mast  hoo  would  let  us  hev  it  for  a  trifle  of 
munny  2  use  awl  day. 

Arteemass  sed  he  was  willing,  for  he'd  orfen  thought 
he  would  like  2  ride  on  the  water ;  &  so  it  was  aggreed 
2  by  me  &  arteemass. 

Benjimmin  sed  we  needunt  dress  up  at  awl,  as  we 
would  see  noboddy  but  the  fishes,  &  they  was  a  scaly- 
set  theirselves  and  wouldn't  notiss  our  klose. 

Akkorduntly,  we  kookt  a  plate  of  saucyjiz,  &  put  im 
in  a  baskit,  &  went  down  &  got  into^  the  bote. 

Benjimmin  histed  up  the  cloths,  which  they  were 
called  sales,  &  1  was  bigger  than  the  tother  <fe  was  tyed 
2  a  big  stick  that  swung  about  every  onct  into  a  wile  as 
nokt  arteemass's  hat  orf  2  or  3  times.     Wc  rid  down 


84  BETSEY   JANE  Y/AKD 

the  river  in  the  bote,  tiio  it  tipt  down  2  mutch  onto  1 
sighed,  which  it  seamed  as  ef  it  was  going  over,  &  would 
plunge  us  into  those  watery  grave. 

Benjimmini.was  the  cappin,  &  arteemass  &  me  was 
the  passinjers,  so  thct  I  diJn't  like  2  iiiturfi>ar  with  the 
mannidgement  of  the  bote,  tho  I  seen  that  Benjinimin 
was  doing  rong.  When  I  arsked  him  2  go  in  tords  the 
land,  he  put  the  steering-stick  the  rong  weigh  &  pinted 
it  ]-ite  orf  from  the  land. 

Ef  it  had  been  arteemass  hisself,  I  would  hev  took 
the  stick  rite  out  of  his  hands  &  turned  it  the  rite  way. 

When  I  wanted  him  to  sale  strate  up  the  river,  he 
saled  tord  the  land,  fust  1  sighed  &  then  the  other.  I 
arsked  him  why  he  didn't  go  strate  ahead.  He  sed  it 
air  on  akkownt  of  the  wind,  &  he  were  obleejd  2  beat. 

I  tolled  him  he  would  be  shure  knot  2  beat  ef  he 
saled  so  krooked,  &  1  tride  2  make  him  understand  that 
he  should  pint  the  eend  of  the  bote  rite  up  the  river,  Sz 
then  he  would  get  along  fiister,  but  he  woodent  heer  2 
me,  &  at  last  I  detekted  him  in  looking  at  arteemass  &; 
grinning  at  my  obsarvations, 

Arteemass  grinned  at  him  back  agin,  &;,  into  that 
way,  I  was  made  a  larfing-stock  betwixt  urn. 

Then  my  dander  riz,  (fc  I  seezd  the  stick  that  turns 
the  bote,  and  put  it  tho  other  weigh.  Benjimmin 
hollurd  out  like  fury,  &  tolled  me  2  let  go,  but  I  hung 
onto  it  with  all  my  mite,  (fc  ef  he  had  only  let  me  alono 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  85 

weed  hev  gone  rite  strate  up  the  river  most  butiful,  but 
his  interfearing  made  the  sales  shake  and  flap,  &  the 
bote  quivvurd  &  kind  o'  turned  haff  round,  &  the  wind 
blode  the  bote  rite  down  on  1  sighed  &  the  water  come 
into  my  face,  &  the  fust  I  node  I  was  onto  the  bottom 
of  the  bote,  &  Benjimmin  &  arteemass  holding  me  on 
for  feer  I  should  slide  orf,  &  get  drowned  into  a  watery 
grave. 

I  was  wet  to  the  skin,  <fe  1  of  my  shoes  had  come 
orf  &  was  gone  down  to  the  bottom  of  the  river. 

"  What  air  the  matter  V^  sez  I  2  arteemass. 

"The  bote  is  kapsized,"  sez  he,  "  bekaws  you  would 
mannidge  the  rudder,  &  we  had  pesky  hard  work  2 
save  yu  from  getting  drowned  ;  but  we've  got  yu  up 
onto  the  bottom  of  the  bote  now,  &  ef  you  keep  quiet 
yu  may  be  saved." 

*'  Oh,  goodness  grashus  1"  sez  I ;  "1  hope  they  air 
know  danjur." 

"No,"  sez  Benjimmin;  "they  air  know  danjur  ef 
they  see  us  from  the  shore,  &  come  orf  2  take  us  from 
the  reck  ;  but  ef  noboddy  sees  us  thay  will  be  a  grate 
deel  of  danjur." 

Then  I  skreeched  as  loud  as  a  yung  kettimount, 
which  it  was  the  best  thing  as  could  be  done  as  my 
voyce  mite  be  hearn  by  somebody  hoo  would  come  for 
our  delfvveruns ;  for  noboddy  could  hev  the  hart  2  see 
a  onpurtekted  feemail  choked  with  the  salt  water,  ef 


g(5  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

she  could  be  snatched  from  the  dcvouryng  ellemeiits. 

But  I  seen  noboddy  coming,  &  were  afeared  I  should 
be  drowned.  Then  I  thort  it  mite  doo  some  good  2 
adrcss  the  throne  o'  grace,  &  so  I  sed  2  or  3  prayers  as 
loud  as  I  could  holler.  For,  tho  1  never  jincd  the 
meeting  house  gnaw  thawt  it  worth  while  to  make  a 
purfession,  yit  I  think  it's  very  well  2  hev  a  little 
rillijun  stowed  away  somewhere,  like  Sunday  klose,  or 
like  a  life-presarver  in  yure  trunk,  to  be  used  in  case 
of  ship-reck,  or  inny  sitch  solium  awkkashun,  wdien 
praying  comes  natterrall. 

I  felt  orful  bad  about  gitting  drownded,  it  must  be  so 
onpleasant  2  be  ate  up  by  the  fishiz.  But  that  warnt 
my  cheaf  konsarn,  whitch  it  was  the  loss  that  poor 
arteemass  would  suffer  to  be  left  awl  alone  into  the 
world,  &  2  be  depriveed  of  the  wife  of  his  boozum. 

It  was  a  very  effecting  thought,  what  poor  arteemass 
would  doo  when  he  were  left  awl  to  hisself  into  the 
world  like  an  orfin,  &  I  was  afeared  it  would  bring  down 
his  few  hares  with  sorrur  2  the  grave. 

So  I  screeched  for  help,  &  at  larst  a  little  skift  were 
scene  coming  tords  us.  As  soon  as  the  skift  got  close 
2  us,  I  telled  arteemass  knot  to  forgit  that  I  was  a  poor 
onpurtected  feemail  &  put  me  safe  in  2  the  skift  be4  he 
got  in  hisself.  Akkorduntly,  we  was  taken  in  &  brawt 
safe  2  Ihe  land,  <fe  the  wife  of  arteeraass's  boozum  were 
presarved  alive. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  87 


THE  BAD   BILL. 

1  Saturday  arfturnoon,  when  I  were  tending  at  the 
door  of  the  tent,  2  take  munny  of  customers  akawding 
2  Kiy  uzhal  will  knot,  Barny  Ilobbs  the  shewmaker 
come  along  6z  arsked  2  go  in. 

I  held  out  my  hand  for  the  munny  which  it  air  my 
uzhal  will  knot.  He  larfed  &  sed :  "  yu  must  trust 
me  this  time,  Miss  Ward,  as  times  air  hard  &  taxes  air 

hi."  ^ 

I  jist  pulled  down  my  under  i-lid  with  my  fingger,  & 
sez  I :  "  Doo  yu  see  inything  green  there,  Mr.  Hobbs?" 

"  But  Vm  in  rale  arnist,  Miss  Ward,"  sez  he ;  "I 
can't  raze  a  scent  jist  this  minnit." 

"  Ef  times  air  hard  with  yu,"  sez  I,  giving  him  a 
purcing  gaze;  "they  air  jist  as  hard  with  us,  &  taxes 
air  ekally  hi  in  these  yere  diggins,  sur.  Tiiare4,  I  cant 
kornshienshusly  let  yu  in  without  the  munny." 

"  But,  remember  old  Long  Sign,"  sez  he ;  "  yu've 
node  me  this  10  year." 

"It's  in  kornsekwunz  of  knowing  yu  so  long  that  I 
cant  trust  yu,"  sez  I ;  "  pf  I'd  node  less  al>out  you,  pro- 


88  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD 

haps  I  would  feel  safer  in  chawking  it  up  to  yure 
akkownt." 

Then  he  straitened  rite  up  like  a  jerraflf,  tfe  he  slung  a 
chor  of  tobakker  out  of  his  check,  as  big  as  a  child's 
head,  &  dashed  it  down  onto  the  ground,  and  sez  he  : 

"  My  kreddit's  good  enuff  2  git  munny  inyvvhares 
into  B;ildinsville,  &  I'll  get  the  15  scents  &  go  into  the 
sho  in  spite  of  yu  :  see  ef  I  don't." 

Orf  he  went  like  a  steembote  under  hi  precure,  & 
enormost  immeduntly  he  come  back  into  the  most  ex- 
citedest  passion,  &  jerked  down  a  10  scent  &  a  5  scent 
stamp. 

"  Thare's  yure  munny,"  sez  he. 

He  were  going  rite  in,  but  I  held  out  my  2  arms  & 
kept  him  back.     Sez  I : 

"  Mr.  Hobbs,  on  akkownt  of  the  noli-dge  I  hev  of 
yure  murrallities,  I  must  eggzamune  these  yere  bills  in 
the  most  purtickularest  manner,  bc4  I  can  let  yu 
parse." 

That  made  him  so  mad  he  was  reddy  2  bust  his  wes- 
kit,  &  I  kornsayte  that  ef  arteemass's  head  haddent 
been  in  sight  over  the  top  of  the  purtition,  heed  hev 
rushed  rite  in,  in  spight  of  me. 

So  he  stood  still  <fe  glowered  at  me  like  I'd  been  1  of 
the  kewriossities  of  the  sho  myself. 

I  ketched  up  the  10  scent  stamp,  Ss  I  preseevcd  it 
were  kownturfit  at  the  fust  glimps  into  it. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  89 

Scz  I :  "  It's  a  bad  bill." 

Scz  he  :  "  Miss  Ward,  knot  wishing  to  give  you  a  ill 
unswur,  I  must  tell  yu  that  yure  nyther  a  witch  gnaw  a 
angle,  or  yu'd  a  node  it  were  a  good  bill.  I  jest  got  it 
from  the  square  hisself." 

When  he  sed  that,  I  rikkognirizcd  the  bill  at  onct, 
for  I'd  parsed  it  orf  2  the  square  myself  on  that  very 
morning,  in  change  for  half  a  dollar.  So  I'd  the  best 
rezins  2  no  it  were  a  bad  bill,  &  scz  I : 

"Mr.  Hobbs  yu  hev  behaved  here  into  a  very 
onuseyourawl  manner.  Fust  yu  wanted  2  get  trusted 
&  then  yu  bring  a  kownturfit  10  scent  stamp.  It's 
my  advice  that  yu  go  strate  home  2  yure  shop,  be4  yu 
get  a  dose  of  stirrup-ile,"  &  I  knodded  my  head  into 
the  direction  of  arteemass. 

"  Never  mind  yure  husband,"  sez  he  ;  ."  yure  a  pare 
of  noboddies  inyhow,  &  the  villidge  of  Baldinsville 
would  be  well  rid  of  you  both." 

Then  arteemass  come  out,  when  he  hcarn  that,  & 
asked  what  air  the  matter. 

Sez  I :  "  This  yere  kobbler  hev  spoke  misrespecktful 
2  the  wife  of  your  buzzim,  &  she  nussin  a  pare  of  twins 
this  blessed  moment." 

"  Ef  I  had  my  ryefuU  hear,  I'd  shute  yu  like  a  dorg  !" 
sez  arteemass  to  Hobbs. 

"  Yu  couldn't  doo  nothing,"  se?  Hobbs,  "  ef  yu  had 
yure  gun  hear  on  the  spot." 


90  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD 

"  YuM  find  out,"  scz  arteemass ;  "  yu  wouldn't  bo 
so  lucky  as  Sum  Flynn  was,  which  he  had  a  Lullct  1.^0 
rite  through  his  head,  &  air  alive  &:  well  this  minnit." 

"  There  would  be  know  danjur  in  shuting  yu  through 
the  head,  inyhow,"  sez  Ilobbs;  "it  wouldn't  kill  yu 
at  awl." 

"  What's  the  reezinf  sez  arteemass. 

"  Be'.caws  the  ball  wouldn't  be  in  iny  danjur  of 
tetohiiig  any  brain,"  scz  he. 

"  What  doo  yu  mean  1"  sez  arteemass. 

"That  yure  skull  air  as  ]\IT  as  a  sukt  egg-shell,"  sez 
Ilobbs. 

"  You  pesky  wax-knows,  ornery  cuss !"  sez  artee- 
mass ;  "  for  2  pins  I'd  kut  both  yure  ears  orf  &  skin 
yu  alive.     But  yure  beneath  my  notus." 

"Ef  I  air  beneath  yure  notus,  I'll  never  be  bit  by 
dorgs,"  ansurd  the  purvarse  felure ;  "'  for  inybody  that's 
berneath  yure  notus  must  be  inferm  2  a  puppy  dorg,  & 
the  animiles  wouldn't  soshiate  with  him.  As  for  yu, 
yu  air  along  with  yure  proppur  kumpanyuns,  monkeyi* 
&  kangaroos  &  sitch  like.  As  the  poem  sez :  "Birds 
of  a  fether  flocks  together." 

That  riled  arteemass  so  bad  that  he  lookt  onto  the 
fclurc  with  porfect  korntempt  &  walked  rite  away, 
foUowcred  by  the  wife  of  his  buzzim. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  91 


THE  VOLUNTEER. 

It  air  2  yeer  come  nixt  munth,  when  they  came  in2 
Baldinsville  a  loyal  patrott  by  the  name  of  Silvaneous 
Gabble. 

He  were  in  hopes  of  getting  a  sittyvation  2  go  as 
minister  2  Chili,  or  2  some  other  outlandish  place  that 
nobody  never  hearn  about.  That  kept  his  patrottism 
np  2  the  biling  pint  &  made  it  slop  over  onct  into  a 
while. 

At  larst  he  come  2  our  villidge  &  appinted  a  grate 
meetin  2  addres  the  peple  &  purswade  urn  awl  to 
volunteer. 

The  parson  opened  the  meeting  house  for  him  2 
speechify  into,  &:  evei^ybody  went  2  hear, him  eggsept 
me.  I  was  obleeged  to  stay  &  tend  the  sho  into  the 
absense  of  arteemass. 

Arfture  arteemass  had  been  ^  hear  him  onct,  he  was 
awl  possest,  &  deklarod  that  he  would  bnklde  on  his 
se-woard  &  go  for  2  fite  the  inimy  ef  it  cost  him  his 
life. 

When  I  seen  the  speech  published  into  the  Bugle 
Hum  of  Liberty  I  felt  a  little  tetched  iip  myself  for  it 
red  butiful,  espeshally  these  lines — 2  whit  : — 


92  BETSEY    JANE   WAIiD 

"Feller-citizens:  If  there's  any  of  those  infarnal 
copperhead  in  this  sacred  village,  that  believes  Chris- 
tianity is  against  skinning  rebels  alive,  hanging  um  with- 
out judge  or  jury,  &  sculping  their  wives  &  children 
before  their  eyes,  haul  him  out  &  send  him  on  to 
Washington  to  be  tried  for  treason  &  hung  till  he  is 
dead — dead — dead. 

"  If  there's  any  one  in  your  parts  that  holds  his 
peace  &;  that  don't  cry,  day  &  night,  against  rebels  & 
copperheads,  &  pray  God  to  v.'ithhold  fiom  them  the 
means  of  salvation,  &  send  them  to  h —  iii  spite  of  rcr 
pentance,  let  him  be  incarcerated  forthwith;  &  if  you 
can't  prove  anything  against  him,  so  much  the  better 
for  it  is  a  sign  that  the  devil  takes  his  part  &  helps 
him  to  escape  the  law.  Turn  him  over  to  the  first 
colonel  or  brigadier  that  you  can  scare  up,  who  will 
deal  with  him  as  he  deserves  &  hang  him  on  suspicion. 
What  if  the  fellow  is  proved  to  be  innocent  after  he  is 
hung?  That  won't  bring  him  to  life  again,  &  the 
officer  who  hung  him  will  be  promoted  for  his  zeal  in 
the  good  cause;  &  his  blunder  will  be  set  down  as  an 
excess  of  virtue,  as  unlimited  patriotism  which  neither 
law  nor  gospel  could  circumscribe. 

"  Why,  sir,  any  man  who  refuses  to  volunteer  in 
such  times  as  these  is  already  guilty  of  treason.  ITe 
ought  to  be  wiling  to  shed  the  last  drop  of  his  blood 
<t  the  blood  of  all  his  friends  <fc  relations,  neighbors,  <fc 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  93 

0011  ntry men  for  the  cause  of  our  glorious  party,  & 
throw  in  his  mother  ct  grandmother  into  the  bar^^ain.  I 
say  it,  sir,  in  terrible  earnestness;  I  say  it  with  flaming 
eyes,  with  glowing  cheeks,  &  with  a  tremendous  voice. 

"  A  man  once  asked  why  I  did  not  volunteer,  myself. 
Nobody  but  a  copperhead  would  ask  such  a  question  as 
that  of  a  true  patriot  like  me.  I  denounced  him  at  the 
first  military  station  for  aiding  &  abetting  the  enemy. 
He  was  arrested  &  sent  off  to  prison  at  once. 

"  Feller-citizens,  my  country  is  all  <fc  everything  to 
me,  asleep  or  awake,  dead  or  alive.  I  think  of  my 
country,  I  dream  of  my  country,  I  speak  for  my  coun- 
try', I  dwell  on  my  country,  &  I  live  on  my  country.'^ 

When  I  red  the  above  butiful  sentiments,  I  wundurd 
wether  the  orritor  was  only  a  hooman  or  an  angle  in 
the  hooman  form. 

As  for  arteemass,  he  was  filled  so  full  of  patrottisni 
that  he  could  enermost  tetch  it  when  he  poked  his 
fingger  down  hiz  throte.  He  w^as  for  going  rite  orf  & 
jining  the  home  guard,  so  as  2  be  near  by,  whare  he 
could  attend  to  his  kuntry  &  his  wax  figgurs  both  at 
onct. 

But  arfture  enkwiring  \vhat  wajiz  they  give  two  a 
volunteer,  &  finding  that  he  could  make  more  by  his 
wax  figgers,  he  felt  that  he  could  knot  kornshienshusly 
lecve  the  wife  of  his  boozum  &  his  pare  of  twins  2  go 
2  the  n-ar. 


94  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

"  Ef  I  should  get  kilt,"  scz  arteeiliass,  with  tears 
into  his  eyes;  "I  should  be  obleegcd  2  leave  Betsey 
ami  2  the  kold  charrottey  of  the  onfecling  world,  &  why 
should  I  go  more  than  anuther?  There's  a  plenty  of 
ll'luros  what  has  know  ties  2  bind  nm  2  the  earth,  &, 
besides,  twelve  dollars  a  week  &  living  onto  hard  tack 
&  salt  boss  air  outragius  at  my  time  of  life." 

As  for  me,  I  lade  the  matter  ■be4  the  wimmins  Rites 
Society,  &  the  President,  boo  air  a  Millerite  &  niity 
into  the  Skripturs,  sed  that  the  law  of  Moses  aloud  a 
noo-marrid  man  2  stop  at  home  from  the  war  1  yeer  Sz 
kumfort  his  wife. 

I  tolled  bur  we  had  been  marrid  more  than  1  year; 
but  she  ansurd  &  sed  that,  in  the  Skriptur,  one  day 
stood- for  a  yeer ;  thare4,  arteemass  could  stay  at  home 
3G5  of  our  yeers  with  the  feemaiJ  hoo  he  had  took  two 
his  hart. 

That  sattisfied  my  kornshunz  ontirely  ;  as  for  artee- 
mass, the  hard  tack  &  salt  hoss  sattisfide  his'n,  &  so  we 
was  both  sattisfide. 


nun  BOOK  OF  gox\ks.  05 


AUTHORSHIP. 

The  s(|iiare  sez  thare  air  2  kinds  of  authors — 1  rights 
for  Fame,  &  the  tother  rights  for  miinny,  which  it  is 
their  weigh  of  jerking  out  a  lively  Hood. 

It  air  about  ate  yeer  aggo,  when  avteemass  sez  2  me, 
sez  he  : 

"  Betsey  Jane,  bone  of  my  bone  &  flesh  of  my 
flesh." 

Sez  I:  "whatr 

Sez  arteemass  :  "I've  had  it  into  my  head  a  long 
time,  an  idee  that  will  astonish  the  natyves  &  make  me 
immortal,  &  you  will  be  proud  to  call  yourself  my 
wife." 

"  Sling  it  out,  arteemass,"  sez  I ;  "  <fe  don't  go  for  2 
being  dubus,  for  yu  no  I  cant  bare  long  speeches  as 
sounds  grand,  but  sinnifies  nothing,  like  the  pote 
Ocean  sez,  when  a  thousand  ghostesses,  hollurs  like 
thunder  on  the  hollow  wind." 

"Yure  obsarvation  is  2  the  pint,"  sez  he;  "  yu  kote 
the  pote,  v.hilst  I'm  thinking  of  righting  prose." 


C)Q  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

"  Yii  old  fool,"  sez  I ;  "  yu'd  Letter  stick  to  yure 
betistesses  &  your  wax  figgurs,  &  leaf  prose  2  them 
that's  got  good  laniiiig." 

"  Why  not  me  right  as  well  as  others  ?"  sez  he ; 
"  I've  got  a  mind,  &  I  no  how  2  'spress  it  2.  I  will 
right  a  book,  Betsey  Jane,  &  yu'll  tell  me  then  what 
yu  think  of  it." 

"  Arteemass  !"  sez  I,  &  I  fixt  my  purcing  gaze  onto 
his  kowntinnunz;  "mark  my  words,  &  don't  yu  fuggit 
um  the  longest  day  yu  hcv  2  live  :  ef  yu  right  a  book 
I'll  right  one  two,  for  what  is  sauce  for  the  guse  air 
sauce  for  the  gander." 

Sez  he  :  Yu'd  better  lam  yure  mother  tung  be4  yu 
talk  about  righting  a  book." 

"  Ditto,"  sez  I. 

"  Ef  I  thawt  yu'd  right  a  book,  I  wouldn't  hev  iny- 
thing  2  doo  with  it,"  sez  he. 

That's  jist  what  I  wanted.  Hoo  would  stir  up  the 
beastesses  &;  explane  the  wax  figgurs  2  visitors  whilst 
he  was  righting  his  book,  &,  in  coarse,  noboddy  would 
by  a  book  that  was  rit  by  him.  So  I  was  very  glad 
thalt  I  had  put  him  orf  the  notion  ef  it. 

But  the  fust  I  node,  he  fotch  me  a  noosepaper,  called 
the  Marquery,  into  whitch  he  had  put  a  peace  &  sined 
his  name  2  it. 

I  red  the  peace  be4  I  slept  that  nite,  &;  I  found  that 
arfture  awl,  it  was  not  so  bad  as  it  mite  hev  been,  cs- 


Artemas  and  Betsey  Jane  before  Marriage. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  97 

peshally  as  it  spoke  hily  of  the  wife  of  his  boozim 
whitch  air  myself,  Mrs.  Betsy  Jane  Ward.  I  didn't 
find  but  1  word  spelt  rong  &  that  word  was  bought 
whitch  it  ortto  been  spelt  thus — 2  whit :  baivt. 

But  that  air  a  very  different  thing  from  a  book.  They 
air  as  much  differunz  as  a  pertater  patch  &  a  larje  farm. 

It  must  take  a  pesky  good  righter  2  right  a  big  book, 
thare  air  so  minny  words  into  it;  but  inny  body  can 
right  a  short  peace  for  the  noosepapers.  But  arteemass 
were  alius  pretty  strong  in  the  rist  &  in  the  finggers, 
or  he'd  never  been  abel  2  right  them  2  volums,  whitch 
air  got  his  name  put  onto  um. 

When  them  books  come  out  &  was  printed  in  sitch 
good  stile,  I  was  so  mutch  astonisht  that  I  run  &  put 
on  my  black  silk  rite  orf,  for  I  was  ashamed  to  be  seen 
in  my  dimmitty  pettykote  &  short  gound,  seeing  I  was 
the  wife  of  a  grate  author. 

I  kalkerlated  that  arteemas  would  be  2  proud  2  speak 
2  me ;  &  then  the  idee  come  into  my  hed  that  ef  I  rit 
a  book  2,  I  should  be  as  good  as  he  was ;  &  I  node  that 
ef  he  could  doo  it,  I  could  doo  the  same ;  for  there's 
nothing  arteemass  can  doo  that  I  can't  doo,  whitch  it  is 
natchural  as  I  am  his  better  hafF. 

Ware4,  it  is  2  them  kornsiderations  that  the  reeder 
air  indetted  for  this  book,  which  it  will  hand  down  my 
name  with  arteemass,  to  suck  a  ceding  jinurashuns,  & 
proqure  me  the  frendship  of  the  grate  righters  of  the 


98  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

clay — 2  whit :  Miss  Anny  Sterings,  ^Miss  Fern,  LaJy 
Maria  Childs,  Miss  Herrings  the  pote,  Lizzy  Cook, 
Miss  Bronte,  &;  awl  them  air  big  righters. 

Somebody  must  be  found  that  wants  2  by  the  wax 
figgurs  &  kangaroo,  for  now  that  artcemass  hev  got 
ftime,  &  the  wife  of  his  boozim  air  following  in  the 
footsteps  of  hur  illustrious  prcducessor,  the  sho  must 
be  soled  out  instanture. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  99 


THE  HIGHER  LAW. 

Every  1  of  the  progresives  of  the  present  day  hev 
got  the  hire  law,  which  it  sooperceeds  awl  other  laws 
jist  as  the  clouds  air  above  the  earth,  or  the  head  is 
hire  than  the  feet. 

The  kornservatiffs  may  talk  about  the  laws  &  kornsti- 
tutions  that  was  made  by  our  4  fathers,  till  the  crows 
comes  for  um,  but  what  does  awl  that  sinnify  when 
we've  got  a  hire  law  that  puts  um  awl  down  ? 

The  square  found  out  the  tother  day,  that  I  parsed  a 
kownturfit  10  scent  stamp  orf  onto  him,  by  weigh  of 
change  for  half  a  dollar,  &  he  arsked  me  ef  I  didn't  no 
it  air  agin  the  law. 

Sez  I :  "  Square,  look  a  hear ;  don't  tell  me  inny- 
thing  about  yure  laws;  they'll  doo  well  enuff  when  We 
hev  nothing  better,  as  the  deeking  sed  when  he  used  the 
pot-kivver  for  an  umbrella  ;  but,  I've  a  hire  law  into 
my  brest  that  tells  me  ef  I  can  permole  the  kaws  of 
science  &  murallity  by  parsing  orf  a  kownturfit  bill, 
the  end  justifize  the  means." 


100  BETSEY  JANE  WARP 

"  Yu're  very  fortnight  2  hev  a  hire  law,  awl  2  vure- 
self,  that  sooperseeda  the  Laws  of  the  land,"  se'z  the 
square  ;  "but,  suppose  my  hire  law  tells  me  that  yure 
wax  fiercurs  air  a  noosinsc,  &  I  smash  'em  awl  two 
peaces,  will  yu  exquse  me  for  doing  on  it,  seeing  that  I 
only  obey  my  hire  law  f 

"  Sich  a  hire  law  as  that  is  agin  awl  rezin,"  sez  I ; 
"  &  I  allow  that  ef  you  smash  these  wax  figgurs,  yu'll 
hev  two  come  down  hansum,  square." 

"  But  boo  is  2  judge  betwixt  my  hire  law  &  yuren?" 
sez  the  square. 

"  Oh  !  ril  judge  by  my  own  hire  law,"  sez  I. 

"  Of  coarse,  ef  we  go  two  the  hire  law,"  sez  the 
square ;  "  every  1  must  judge  for  hisself,  by  his  own 
hire  law,  &,  in  that  case,  they  can  be  know  laws  or 
kornstistution  for  the  kuntry,  sense  every  1  can  oppeel 
to  his  hire  law,  &  set  asighed  the  judgment  of  the  Soo- 
peream  Court  itself.  A  hire  law  may  guvvun  an 
individooal  in  his  own  privit  affares,  but  it  cant  guvvun 
the  kormunity  bekaws  it  isn't  rit  down  no-whares,'<fe 
yu  cant  rede  the  hart  of  another.  It  would  doo  know 
good  ef  yu  could,  sense  each  man  would  hev  his  own 
hire  law.  Thare4,  inyboddy  that  undertakes  to  con- 
nect  the  idee  of  a  hire  law  with  government  is  an  im- 
poster  or  a  fool.  As  soon  as  you*  talk  of  being 
govvund  by  your  hire  law,  yu  set  asighed  awl  visible 
rulers,  courts,  laws  &  kornstitutions.     Know  1   has  a 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  101 

rite  two  take  part  in  the  government  leastwise  he 
acknolidges  the  law  of  the  land  2  be  euppreme  into  the 
government." 

"  Now,  square,"  sez  I ;  "  what  hev  awl  that  lojick  2 
do  with  that  10  scent  stamp  f 

"  Jist  this,"  sez  he ;  "  the  law  fawbids  yu  two  parse 
bad  munny,  &  yu  say  that  yu'U  doo  it,  bekaws  yure 
hire  law  air  above  the  law  of  the  land." 

"  I'd  nothing  2  doo  with  making  the  law  of  the  land," 
sez  I ;  "  I  never  went  2  the  poles  and  voted  ;  into  my 
life,  <fe  so  I've  nothing  to  doo  with  laws  that  air  maid 
by  other  peple." 

"  But,  prehaps,  yu've  inflouensed  arteemass  &  advised 
him  how  to  vote,"  sez  the  square. 

"  Yes,  sir-ee !"  sez  I ;  "  I  should  like  2  see  arteemass 
vote  a  tickit  be4he'd  shode  it  to  me  &  got  my  kornsent. 
It's  important  two  the  little  hare  he's  got  left  onto  his 
head  that  he  never  votes  korntrary  to  my  advice.  Yu 
may  bet  yure  life  on  it." 

"  Mrs.  Ward,"  sez  he ;  "I  am  so  much  penetrayted 
with  the  logical  structure  of  your  mind,  &  the  fairness 
of  your  proceeedings,  that  yu  air  hartily  welcome  to  the 
10  scents  which  yu  hev  kabbidge  from  me.  Ef  yure 
arguments  kornvince  nobody  else,  they  air  doubtless  un- 
ansurable  two  yourself,  &  that  air  the  mane  pint.  I 
trust  that  wile  yure  hire  law  purmits  you  two  parse  orf 


102  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

bad  bills  onto  others,  it  will  knot  permit  yu  two   re- 
seeve  them  from  others." 

"  Ditto  !"  sez  I,  &  that  was  into  him.  He  clawed 
orf,  &  I  guess  he'll  never  ondertake  two  argufy  with 
Betsy  Jane  Ward  agin. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  103 


THE  BEGGAR. 

1  winter  night,  when  arteemass  &  me  was  setting 
snug  &  warm  be4  a  grate  blazing  fire,  with  wannuts  <k 
sider  onto  the  lite-stand,  wc  were  disturbed  onto  our 
varchuous  soUituted,  by  a  faint  rap  at  the  door. 

Fust  on  I  thought  it  were  sperrits,  &  eggspected  2  get 
a  communication  from  some  dear  departed. 

Arteemass  opened  the  door,  &  we  seed  a  feemail  in 
a  old  tattured  cloke  &  without  know  bunnit  onto  her 
head.  Arteemass  were  filled  with  varchuous  indigna- 
tion &  I  arsked  hur  what  she  wanted,  in  commanding 
tones  sootibul  to  the  awkashun. 

"  I  live  in  the  little  shanty  over  the  hill,""  sez  she; 
*'  &;  we've  got  nary  a  stick  of  wood  in  the  house,  gnaw 
a  bit  of  bread  for  my  dawter,  hoo  air  sick  of  the  koni- 
sumption." 

"Tho  shiftless  crittur!"  sez  I,  "shut  2  the  door,  im- 
mediately. To  think  of  a  crittur  of  that  sort  ventur- 
ing 2  disturb  the  varchuous  repose  of  2  sitch  turcle 
doves  as  me  &  arteemass. 

"For   pity's   sake,  as   yu   air   a  woman,"   sez  she; 


104  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 

"  hev  mercy  on  a  destitute  mother  hoo  has  nothing  to 
give  her  dying  dawter." 

"Nothing  to  give,"  sez  I;  "  yes, I'll  give  yu  good  ad- 
vice, whitch  it  is  worth  more  than  munny,  &  a  tract 
published  by  the  Famail  Morrill  Keform  Society 
"which  air  worth  its  wait  in  goold." 

So  I  tosted  hur  the  tract  &  advised  Imr  2  go  two 
work  &  get  a  honest  living,  &  then  arteemass  shet  the 
door  in  hur  face. 

It's  a  abiding  noosince  that  peple  of  those  indignant 
condition  should  introod  onto  1  hoo,  like  me,  has  know 
time  2  attend  2  sich  komplaynts  on  akkount  that  I'm  a 
member  of  13  fdanthropists  societies,  for  improving 
the  condition  of  the  human  family,  &  hev  petitioned 
for  O'J  laws  for  the  soopresshun  of  all  the  vices  2  which 
human  nachur  air  interdicted.  Besides  awl  that,  I've 
gove  more  good  advice  2  those  indignant,  shiiHess 
critters  than  inny  other  femail  in  the  kountry. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  105 


THE  MARTYR. 

The  reader  ought  2  no  by  this  time  thet  I'm  a  mem- 
ber of  all  the  filanthropy  societies  as  I  hev  tolled  him 
orfin  enuff  of  that  important  fackt. 

We've  had  a  marture  into  our  sosiety  for  aggressive 
missons. 

The  dooty  of  that  sosiety  is  to  hunt  up  peple  thet 
hev  got  a  hole  into  their  kotes.  [This  air  a  figgur  of 
speech  &  means  that  there's  some  fault  into  um.]  &  2 
eggspose  the  same,  so  that  they  may  be  hunted  out  of 
the  villidge,  or  parsecuted  akawding  two  law. 

The  martur's  name  was  Andrew  Fish,  and  he  made 
it  a  pint  2  go  around  arftur  dark  &  peek  into  folks 
winders,  to  see  ef  there  was  anything  rong  going  on 
into  their  housen.  Sometimes,  he  got  a  chance  to  shy 
into  an  entry,  &  there  he  could  lissen  at  the  door  <fe 
peek  throo  the  kee-hole.  In  that  weigh,  he  found  out  a 
grate  minny  things  that  was  going  on  into  the  villidge, 
&  made  himself  very  yuceful  2  the  sosiety,  into  his 
day  &  jinerashun. 


106  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

1  nite  when  he  was  going  parst  the  squire's  house,  he 
preseeved  that  a  lite  streeked  out  from  the  front  win- 
ders, &  then  he  node  somebody  was  up,  as  it  were 
parst  leven  o'clock,  which  our  sosiety  had  resolved  and 
parst  by  an  overwhurlmen  midgority,  it  was  2  late  for 
yung  peple  2  set  up  tuggether. 

Andrew  clum  up  onto  the  moldings  outsighed  the 
house,  &  found  that  he  could  see  into  the  rheum  whare 
1  corner  of  the  curting  was  turned  up.  He  was  struck 
with  varchuous  indignation  when  he  seed  the  Square's 
dawter  Harriet  setting  into  1  corner  of  the  fire  place  & 
Bill  Shute,  the  young  docktur,  setting  into  tother  cor- 
ner. 

He  node  that  ef  they  sot  up  so  late  tuggether  it  was 
very  improper,  for  our  sosiety  hev  parsed  41  resolutions 
agin  midnight  coarting. 

Andrew  held  onto  the  blinds  till  his  hands  aked,  that 
he  might  fulfil  his  aggressive  dooties  by  seeing  awl  he 
could.  There  they  sot  talking  two  each  other  without 
blushing  or  seeming  in  the  leastest  bit  ashamed  of  such 
kornduct. 

A  week  arfture  that,  Shute  marrid  Harriet,  &  Andrew 
tolled  the  Sosiety  what  he  saw,  a  tour  fust  meeting  af- 
terwards. 

Now,  when  they  got  marrid,  everybody  was  sayne 
that  Bill  Shute  was  a  very  fine  yung  man,  <fe  that  the 
Square's  dawter  had  maid  a  very  good  mach.     So,  we 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  107 

* 

thawt  it  was  hi  time  2  let  the  peple  of  the  villidge  no 
what  we  thought  of  the  pare  of  them.  It  was  a 
nessessery  dooty  that  we  ode  2  the  publick.  So  we 
parst  the  followering  resolutions  : 

Resolved  — That  the  Society  for  Aggressive  Missions 
has  a  grate  dooty  to  perform  to  the  publick — to  hunt 
up  evil  wherever  it  is  to  be  found — to  cry  aloud  & 
spare  not — &  to  expose  all  ill-doings,  except  that  we 
are  not  to  expose  each  other,  lest  it  should  hurt  the  use- 
fulness of  the  body,  &  bring  reproach  upon  the  society. 

Resolved — This  society  is  the  elite  of  the  country, 
the  cream  of  the  community,  &  we  ought  to  be  very 
thankful  that  we  have  been  preserved  from  the  sins,  the 
errors,  &  short-comings  of  those  sinners  who  surround 
us  one  every  side,  &  are,  therefore  duly  qualified,  to  ex- 
pose &  bring  to  judgment  all  offenders  against  virtue  & 
godliness. 

Resolved — That  the  thanks  of  this  society  are  due  to 
Mr.  Andrew  Fish  for  exposing  the  sins,  the  errors,  & 
general  condition  of  many  individuals  in  this  commu- 
nity, &  more  especially  for  the  discovery  of  the  heinous 
offence  committed  by  one  William  Shute  &  one 
Harriet  W ,  both  of  this  village. 

Resolved — That  our  eminently  aggressive  brother, 
Mr.  Andrew  Fish,  be  appointed,  on  the  first  convenient 
occasion,  to  make  a  public  speech,  in  the  town  hall  or 
elsewhere,  against  night  courting,  &  that  he  take  occar 


108  BETSEY  JANE  WAftD   • 

sion  in  that  speech,  to  hold  up  Harriet  W &  Wil- 
liam Shute  to  the  condemnation  of  the  public,  in  order 
that  nobody  may  employ  Dr.  Shute  hereafter  &  that 
no  respectable  lady  may  associate  with  his  wife." 

After  these  resolutions  was  parst  unannymusly,  we 
ajurnt ;  &  Andrew  rit  out  his  speach.  He  brought  it 
into  the  tent  &  red  it  2  me  &  arteemass,  &  arsked  us 
ef  we  ever  hearn  such  a  severe  kastugation  what  he 
gove  to  Shute  &  his  wife.  Then  he  carrid  his  speech  2 
a  grate  minny  others  &  red  it  two  um,  &  they  sed  it 
was  butiful,  &  arsked  him  2  speek  it  rite  orf. 

A  week  afterwards,  there  was  a  town  meeting  two 
kornsidder  about  the  town  poor  hoo  had  been  soled 
twist  <fe  nobody  wanted  um. 

Arfture  the  bizness  was  over,  Andrew  Fish  got  up  & 
delivurd  his  speech  agin  nite  coarting,  &  the  weigh  he 
put  the  licks  into  Dr.  Shute  <fe  Harriet  was  very  amooz- 
ing  2  awl  varchuous  hearers. 

He  telled  the  peple,  rite  out  strait,  that  Harriet  want 
know  better  than  she  should  be,  or  she  never  wonld  hev 
been  scene  setting  up  till  leven  okklok  with  sich  a  fel- 
ure  as  Bill  Shute,  hoo  goes  2  the  theatre,  &  was  scene 
into  a  bar-room  tossing  orf  a  glass  of  wisky  punch,  last 
Noo  Year's  day. 

Everybody  was  glad  two  hear  Harriet  put  down,  as 
she's  a  stuck-up  thing,  &  refused  2  sine  a  pettition  for 
sending  10,000  Moral  Reform  tracks  2  New  Zealand. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS. 


109 


So  every  one  present  clapt  &  stompt  <fe  gove  3  cheers 
as  loud  as  they  could  hoUur. 

Arfture  that,  Andrew  Fish  was  hily  thawt  onto  by 
our  sosiety ;  but  he  was  maid  a  martur  of.  Arfture 
dooing  so  much  good  and  shoing  so  much  varchuous  in- 
dignation, he  was  crewily  attacked  onto  the  highway, 
betwixt  the  red  skool-house,  and  John  Barney's  shoe- 
maker's shop. 

He  was  on  the  way  two  the  orfiss  of  the  Bugle  Horn 
of  Liberty  two  get  his  grate  speech  printed  into  that 
paper,  when  he  met  Bill  Shute,  &  that  unskroppolus  in- 
dividooal  stopt  <fe  arsked  him  ef  his  name  was  Fish. 

"  Yes,"  sez  he,  "  my  name  air  Fish ;  but  I  doant 
want  nothing  two  say  to  inny  sich  as  yu." 

"  Why  ?"  sez  Shute. 

"  Bekaws  yu're  a  sinner,"  sez  Andrew,  "  I  doant  keep 
kumpany  with  sinners." 

"  It  air  yu,  I  take  it,  hoo  traduced  my  wife  at  the 
town  meeting,  &  slandurd  me,"  sez  Shute. 

"I  tolled  the  hull  truth  about  yu  from  a  cents  of 
dooty,"  sez  Andrew. 

"  Well,  then,  I  hev  my  cents  of  dooty  two,"  sez 
Shute,  &  he  gove  Andrew  about  20  cuts  with  his  riding 
whip  over  the  legs  &  back.  Ef  Andrew  hadn't  run  & 
got  aweigh  from  him,  I  railly  bleeve  that  Shute  would 
hev  cut  awl  the  klose  orf  his  back. 

Andrew  come  rite  down  2  the  tent,  &  arteemass  let 


110  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

him  see  the  wax  figgurs  for  10  scents,  bekaws  he  was 
a  marture  in  the  kaws  of  aggression. 

We  went  rite  up  two  the  Bugle  &  put  in  a  call  for  a 
meeting  of  the  Sosiety  for  aggressive  missions,  stating 
that  important  biznis  was  two  come  be4  it. 

We  held  the  meeting  that  very  nite,  &;  parsed  a  reso- 
lution that  Andrew  Fish  was  a  marture,  &  that  peple 
hoo  hev  a  cawl  for  aggressive  missions  hev  a  parfeckt 
rite  two  say  &  doo  jist  what  they  pleas,  &;  it  is  the  doo- 
ty  of  every  one  two  sufTur  pashently  whatever  aggres- 
sive mazhurs  air  put  in  force  agin  um.  But  it  were 
thought  best  to  say  nothing  about  Shute  &  Harriet  in 
our  resolutions,  as  1  marture  air  glory  enufF  for  1  So- 
siety. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  m 


MRS.  WARD   AS  A  POET. 

1  spell  there  was  a  great  deal  of  talk,  into  Baldins- 
ville,  about  Miss  Betsey  Clark,  which  she  wrote  some 
varses,  &  the  squire  sed  they  was  fust  rate,  &  some  of 
the  yungsturs  into  the  villidge  had  um  printed  onto 
their  arms  with  injee  ink. 

Arteemass  he  spoke  in  favor  of  the  critter,  &  sed  she 
was  the  smartest  feemail  into  the  kuntry,  &  that  he 
would  giv  his  best  wax  figgur  ef  he  had  a  wife  which 
could  right  sich  varses. 

When  I  hearn  of  arteemass  sayne  thet,  I  was  riled 
2  thet  degree  thet  I  was  intarmind  2  show  him  I  could 
perduce  something  fine,  2,  in  the  weigh  of  poetness. 

I  put  on  my  black  silk  &  clean  white  stockings,  &; 
fixed  my  hare  up  butiful,  &  went  into  the  best  rheum 
&  soddown  2  the  little  myhoginy  table  &  rote  as  fol- 
lowers : 

"  How  dutli  the  little  bizzy  B 
improve  each  shining  our 
and  gatliur  liunny  every  day 
from  every  opening  flour. 

I  would  be  bizzy  2, 

in  works  of  labor  or  of  skill 

for  Satan  finds  some  miss  chief  still 

for  idol  bands  two  do." 


112  BETSEY  J.VXE   WARD 

Arflure  I  had  rit  this  poetness  <fe  koppid  it  orf  nice, 
I  stuck  it  up  with  a  pin  over  the  mantel-piece  into  the 
best  rheum. 

Arteemass  ketched  sight  of  it  onto  that  same  arfture- 
noon,  &  wanted  2  no  hoo  put  that  pome  up  over  the 
mantuel-piece. 

I  gove  him  a  purcing  look,  &  he  sed  :  "  It  was  you 
— I  no  it  was.  I'll  bet  my  boy  constructor  of  it,  or 
my  tiger,  or  inny  5  of  my  mnnkies." 

"  Well,  yes,  I  rote  it,  arteemass ;"  sez  I ;  "  <fc  now 
let  me  heerknow  more  about  Betsy  Clark  &  hur  poet- 
ness. When  a  man  of  yure  aje  &  eksperunse  goes  2 
praising  a  good-for-nothing  slip  of  a  gurl  like  hur,  & 
the  wife  of  his  boozim  at  home  nussin  a  pare  of  twins, 
it's  time  for  hur  2  show  him  that  she  can  doo  some- 
thing as  well  as  the  tother." 

Arteemass  red  the  peace  over  &  over  as  ef  he  was 
trying  2  get  it  by  hart,  &  then  he  sed  it  was  horrid 
pritty,  &  he'd  know  idee  thet  I  could  rite  like  thet, 
which  it  was  ekally  as  good  as  inythiiig  he  had  seen  of 
lately,  &  he  wisht  there  was  a  pote  into  the  house  that 
he  mite  sho  it  two  him. 

He  soddown  &  koppid  it  orf  in  red  ink  with  butiful 
flurrishes  awl  around  it,  &  a  picktur  of  his  kangaroo 
over  the  top.  He  lent  it  out  2  the  naburs,  hoo 
admired  the  piece  verry  much,  till  1  day  arteemass  was 
reding  a  book,  &  sed  the  verry  same  words  was  into 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  113 

the  book  which  was  into  my  peaee,  only  that  there  was 
big  letters  at  the  end  of  all  the  lines. 

Then  I  was  riled  mourn  ever.  What  rite  had  artee- 
mass  2  be  peeking  round  into  books  ?  His  spear  air 
wax  figgurs  &  kangaroos,  &  sech.  But  he  was  alius 
willing  two  doo  innything  2  vex  hur  that  he  had  took 
2  his  hart,  &  two  doo  everything  2  exonerate  the  wife 
of  his  boozim. 

Those  disposition  air  not  kalkulated  two  make  the 
mirage  relation  happy,  which  it  should  be  his  dooty  2 
obey  his  lawful  wife,  &  knot  2  find  folt  with  her  poet- 
ness. 


114  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


A  NEW  MOVEMENT. 

BiZNESS  was  getting  2  be  rather  how  come  yu  so,  & 
the  visitunts  at  the  sho  was  as  few  &  far  between  as  an- 
gles visits  &  grumbled  at  15  scents  at  that,  though  the 
wax  figgur  of  G.  Washington  aloan  air  worth  twist  the 
munny. 

We  got  so,  at  larst,  that  we  could  scurcely  earn  our 
daily  peck,  &  something  must  be  done,  which  arteemass 
had  a  foo  hundreds  stode  aweigh  into  a  kupple  of  old 
storkings  that  hung  up  in  the  garret  &  pot  klosit,  but 
that  was  for  use  into  our  old  aje  &  a  rayny  day. 

Whilst  we  was  deploying  what  were  best  two  doo, 
we  had  a  visetation  from  Decking  Screwmouth,  for  the 
47th  time,  two  try  two  indoose  us  two  gine  the  Meet- 
ing House. 

He  tolled  us  that  northing  helpt  along  a  man  like  a 
profession  of  relijun,  &  that  ef  we  would  jine  the  Meet- 
ing House,  he'd  know  manner  of  dowt  that  our  pros- 
pects in  life  would  look  up,  like  the  end  of  a  .plank 
when  a  boy  got  onto  the  other  cend. 

Arteemass  was  konsiderable  orfish  at  fust,  as  his  ge- 
nus never  lade  into  that  direction  ;  but  fincUy  he   korn- 


IIUR  BOOK   OF  GOAKS.  115 

kluded  that  something  must  be  done  for  the  exhibtion, 
&  ef  the  jining  of  the  Meeting  House  would  railly  be 
useful  2  the  sho  biznes,  he'd  better  go  in. 

So  he  tolled  the  Decking  that  he'd  try  relijun  a 
little  while,  &  see  what  would  be  the  effect  on  the  wax 
figgurs ;  he'd  take  it  on  trial  awhile,  &  ef  it  pade  in 
the  way  of  bizness,  he'd  keep  on. 

The  Decking  shook  hands  onto  it,  &  was  grate  friends 
with  arteemass,  which  he  called  him  "  Brother  Ward,'* 
&  the  nixt  time  arteemas  went  up  to  his  store,  the 
Decking  gove  him  his  blessing  <fe  a  qwater  of  a  pound 
of  cheese. 

So  arteemas  <k  me  begun  two  go  two  the  Meeting 
House  every  Sunday,  &  the  Decking  sot  us  on  a  seet 
klose  to  the  pulpit,  for  two  exibit  his  noo  konvarts  jist 
as  we  exibited  our  wax  figgurs. 

Some  ornery  cusses  thet  sot  onto  the  back  sects  larft 
at  arteemas  &  pinted  their  fingers  at  him,  but  he  node 
efit  maid  the  sho  bizness  better,  he'd  hev  the  larft 
unto  um. 

So  arteemass  &  me  sot  neer  the  pulpit,  &  looked 
very  solium,  &  now  &  then,  arteemass  rolled  up  the 
whites  of  his  ize  jist  as  the  Decking  did,  &;  he'd  know 
dowt  it  would  bring  a  plenty  of  costomers  two  the  sho, 
as  the  Decking  had  tolled  him. 

We  went  on  this  way  for  about  3  months,  when  ar- 
teemass consayted  that  it  was  a  doing  know  good  what- 


IIQ  BETSEY  JANE  "WARD 

somever.     None  of  the  members    ever   come  two  the 
sho,  &  the  bizness  groo  wuss  &  wuss. 

Then  arteemass  got  his  dandur  up  &  he  talked  two 
the  Deeking  like  a  Dutch  father-in-law,  &;  arsked  the 
Square  ef  he  couldn't  soo  him  under  false  pretences,  as 
he  had  put  him  two  the  trubble  of  going  to  Meeting, 
every  Sunday  &  putting  on  a  clean  biled  rag  onct  a 
week,  into  the  hope  it  would  keep  the  sho ;  but  it 
haddend  brought  a  scent  into  arteemass's  pocket. 

The  Square  was  rather  dubris,  &  arteemass  per- 
seeved  he'd  been  took  in  &  .left  the  Meeting  House  in 
disgust. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  in 


THE    FUNERAL. 

It  was  in  the  larst  part  of  May  that  Friny  Johnson 
■ — cuzzing  two  arteemass — parted  this  life,  heving  lived 
2  the  aje  of  50  yeers  &  never  done  iny  harm  two  iny- 
body. 

She  beekwheethed  two  arteemass  &  me,  a  bag  of  • 
check  apuns,  a  file  of  the  Friend  of  Virtue,  a  gimlet  & 
hammer,  haff  of  a  han-saw,  two  bunnits,  &  50  dollars 
in  Nichol  scents. 

Akawdingly,  arteemass  put  a  black  krape  onto  his 
hat,  &  anuther  1  onto  the  waxfiggur  of  G.  Washington? 
in  respekt  for  the  deer  departed. 

I  put  on  my  black  silk  «fe  wore  it  to  the  funerawl. 

The  deer  departed  lived  about  7  mild  from  the 
villidge,  &  we  was  obleeged  to  go  into  a  wagging. 
When  we  got  thare,  we  found  thare  was  know  ministur 
to  doo  the  preying. 

The  square  pulled  out  a  Common  Prayer,  <fe  was 
going  two  rede  it,  but  thet  want  aloud,  for  ant  Friny 
was  of  the  Purittan  descent,  &  the  lady  was  1  of  hoM* 
antcestus  which   flung  the   3  legged    stol  ;it  the  par- 


118  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

son  for  intradoosing  the  english  sarviss  into  the  Kirk  of 
ScotJanr?. 

Hear  was  a  nonplush,  &  we  didn't  no  what  two  doo, 
till  Miss  Prim  obsarved  that  arteemass  was  hur  rela- 
tion, &  was  a  man  of  hi  standing,  &  he'd  better  say  a 
foo  words  onto  the  okkazhun. 

Tharefore,  arteemass  took  orf  his  hat,  &  stood  up,  & 
addressed  the  kumpinny  as  followers  : 

"  Feller-citizens  : — Awltho  I'm  knot  accustomed 
two  public  speaking,  which  it  air  my  fort  two  exibit 
wax  figgurs,  kangaroos,  tygers,  lyons,  &  munkies — 
price  15  cents;  children  half  price;  yet  as  I'm  called 
upon  in  this  yere  purmiskus  weigh,  two  doo  the  sere- 
monies  for  our  diseased  sister  what  was  jist  50  yeers  <fe 
14  days  old,  thet  is  cut  down  into  the  flour  of  her  life, 
which  it  ought  to  be  a  warning  two  awl  them  thet  air 
in  thare  yung  days,  how  they  spend  thare  time  going 
to  halls,  theayturs,  &  other  vannities  when  they  might 
attend  the  grate  morrill  exibition  of  the  wax  figgurs 
which  air  a  grate  saving  of  time  &  munny. 

"  I  hope  this  highly  respected  corpse  wi-ll  be  a  warn- 
ing two  awi  them  thet  is  going  astray  in  the  way  of 
Balaam,  which  it  air  said  his  ass  spoke  with  the  voice 
of  a  man,  &  it  air  the  most  remarkablest  thing  ever 
none.  I've  been  engajed  in  the  sho  bizniss  more  yeers 
than  some  of  yu  is  yeers  old,  &  of  awl  the  crittars  that 
Pve    scene   from    awl    parts    of   the    world,  monkies, 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  119 

zebras,  kangaroos,  gireffs,  guinee  hens,  turkey-buzzards, 
&  boy  constructors,  I've  never  seed  iny  thing  ekal  2 
the  ass  that  spoke  two  Balaam.  Ef  I  had  thet  critter 
in  my  collection,  I  could  raze  the  price  of  admisshun 
two  40  scents  to-morror. 

*'Thare4,  I  hope  yu'll  awl  take  warning  of  yure 
weighs  from  this  respectful  corpse,  which  never  did 
know  harm  into  its  hull  life,  as  it  lays  there  breathing 
its  last  which  it  will  be  took  up  to  heaven  in  the  judg- 
ment day. 

"  The  time  is  now  for  every  1  two  kornsidder  the 
shortness  of  human  life,  how  a  man  grows  up  like  a 
punkin-vine,  when  awl,  of  a  suddent  the  syth  of  death 
cuts  him  down  like  the  flours  of  Paradise." 

"  In  kornsidderation  that  the  deer  departed  hev  left 
the  undesigned  50  dollars  in  Nichol  scents,  awl  these 
congregation  thet  hev  grettifide  hur  by  coming  to  hur 
funerawl,  may  visit  the  sho,  wax  figgurs  &  awl,  onct 
apeace,  for  10  scents,  which  it  air  five  scents  took  orf 
in  respect  to  the  dear  diseased." 

Arfture  this  butiful  lojum  onto  the  deer  departed  was 
spoke  by  arteemass,  everybody  come  to  look  at  the 
corpse. 

Miss  Prim  spoke  butiful,  &  sed  that  she  had  come 
like  a  thief  in  the  night,  &  parsed  away  with  the 
vapors. 

Miss  Dorothy  Gooding  that  keeps  the  candy  empo- 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  121 


THE    HUNGARIAN   PATRIOT. 

A  GREAT  many  yeers  hev  parsed  into  the  gulp  of 
oblivyun,  sense  the  grate  soger  of  the  Hungryarians, 
Mister  Kossith,  was  into  this  kuntry. 

I  can  remember  it  as  well  as  ef  it  was  only  yister- 
day,  Everyboddy  was  kontriving  some  weigh  to  doo 
him  onur.  Some  peple  got  their  hats  maid  arfture  the 
pattent  that  he  wore,  some  run  arfture  him  two  giv 
him  munny,  &;  he  paid  for  it  in  speeches  &  patrutism. 

Arteemass  didn't  no  what  two  doo  about  it.  He 
seen  it  was  his  dooty  2  sho  his  respeckts  2  the  big 
Hungryarian  in  some  weigh,  but  then  he  was  all-fired 
afeard  of  him,  he  was  sich  a  monstrashus  big  jentleman. 
Into  comparison  with  other  grate  men,  he  was  a  ellcr- 
funt  compared  2  a  fox. 

At  larst  w^e  hearn  that  Kossith  was  going  throo  the 
town  whare  we  were  exibiting  our  sho,  &  arteemass 
sent  for  me  2  come  rite  aweigh  &  insult  with  him 
about  what  was  best  2  be  done. 

Arfter  weed  koggitayted  awl  the  arfturenoon,  w^e  sot 


122  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

down  twogetber  &  rit  2  this  grate  Hungryarian  th# 
folio wering  notice : 

"  Most  holt  Man  !  O  !  King  !  live  forever  f 
The  2  undesined  being  man  &  wife,  of  the  town  of 
Baldinsville,  near  Hull ;  bow  down  with  their  noses  in 
the  dust,  Ostrich-fashion,  ^  with  loud  akklaim  cry  to 
thee,  dread  sovereign,  &  hope  the  onpardunable  crime 
is  knot  committed  ef  they  persoom  two  kiss  yure 
august  <fe  sakkred  feet.  Into  the  meen  time,  they  send 
an  invite  to  yu  two  attend  the  sho  free  graytic,  wax 
figgurs  &  awl.  For  perticulars  see  small  bills  of  the — 
day — price  to  all  others  15  cents ;  children  half  price. 

Arteemas  Ward. 
Betsey  Jane  Ward. 

Arftur  this  was  scent  2  Kossith,  arteemass  had  it  rit 
orf  in  letters  of  gould  &  put  into  a  frame  &  hung  up 
into  the  sho,  &  it  did  the  bizness  a  gray  deel  of  good, 
as  minny  peple  come  to  see  this  letter  which  they 
wouldn't  hev  come  two  see  inny  thing  else  in  the  tent. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  123 


RETRIBUTION. 

Our  sho  had  got  so  much  notorosity  that  some  others 
into  the  sho  bizness  tried  two  do  us  awl  the  harm  they 
could.  1  Hiram  Burch  put  a  piece  into  the  Eagle  of 
Freedom  at  Smootfield  running  down  arteemass's  sho, 
&  kornkluding  that  his  wax  figgurs  was  a  ridiculus  set 
of  imidges  that  lookt  like  nobody  from  Judus  Scariott 
to  the  Duke  of  Wellin^jton. 

Arteemas  soddown  &  rit  a  butiful  letter  two  the 
Eagle  on  the  subject,  but  it  was  never  took  no  notiss  of, 
&  then  arteemass  went  to  the  square  to  insult  him 
about  sooing  Hiram  Burch  for  defumation  of  character. 

The  square  thought  there  couldn't  be  a  gray  deel 
made  out  of  it,  as  it  would  be  a  civil  soot.  Arteemass 
arsked  him  why  he  couldn't  make  it  an  oncivil  soot, 
but  the  squire  sed  it  was  know  use  to  do  inything 
about  it  as  arteemass  had  spoke  agin  Burch's  sho  too. 

About  two  weaks  arftur  that  Hiram  Burch  was  ridinsf 
into  a  slay,  when  it  oversot  and  broke  his  arm. 


124  BETSEY  JAKE  WARD 

Arteemass  was  so  glad  to  hcer  on  it  that  he  run  into 
the  house  <fe  drank  a  hull  pint  of  corn  whisky.  He 
seen  it  was  a  jujement  onto  the  critter  for  running 
down  his  wax  figgurs. 

There  was  another  man  into  the  slay  called  Toby,  & 
he  had  run  down  the  wax  figgurs  as  bad  as  Burch. 
Tiiere  come  very  near  being  a  jujement  onto  him  2,  for 
he  fell  within  2  inches  of  a  sharp  stake  that  would  hev 
gone  clean  through  him,  ef  he'd  fell  a  little  further 
forrid. 

This  larst  jujement  didn't  come  orf  awl  threw  an 
aksident,  but  ef  Toby  had  gone  2  inches  further  that 
would  hev  been  a  jujement.  Know  doubt  it  was  in- 
tended 2  be  a  jujement  unto  him  two,  but  the  slay  give 
a  sort  of  twirl  when  it  oversot  &  threw  Toby  2  much 
2  1  sighed,  &  so  the  jujement  on  Toby  was  prevented 
by  this  yeer  aksident. 


nUR-  BOOK  OF  GO^VKS.  125 


ASTEONOMY. 

The  varyus  weighs  tliet  peple  contrives  two  get  a 
living  is  a  wonder  two  innybody  that  hev  good  strong 
horse  sense,  &  thinks  of  it  in  a  fellowsofic  pint  of  view. 

There's  a  case  happcnt  necr  us  1  wintur  that  is  dis- 
tressin,  &  there  ought  2  be  a  law  2  puddown  awl  sich 
exibitions. 

A  felure  called  Smith  come  into  Baldinsville  with  his 
sellestial  globes,  &  his  laminations  &  pickturs  of  awl 
sorts  two  larn  the  peple  asstronimy,  &  ef  he  got  away 
five  peple  from  our  sho,  he  got  away  fifty,  &  prehaps  a 
hundred. 

-  The  square's  dawters,  Miss  Hopkin's  sister,  &  heeps 
of  other  feemails  went  2  heer  this  asstronimy  man,  & 
pade  25  scents,  when  they  might  hev  seen  the  wax  fig- 
gurs  for  15  cents. 

Smith  sent  a  free  parse  2  arteemass  &  me,  but  we 
wouldn't  hev  notting  2  do  with  him  or  his  leckturs,  we'd 
hearn  cnuff  about  um  from  the  nabors.     Miss  Persons 


120  BETSEY  JANEWAED 

that  went  two  1  of  um  tolled  me  that  he  was  crazy,  & 
had  awl  sorts  of  strange  notions,  sich  as  know  body 
ever  hearn  tell  of  be4. 

He  sed  the  world,  this  yere  same  world  that  we  live 
onto  was  as  round  as  a  bawl.  When  Miss  Persons 
hearn  him  say  that  she  got  rite  up  <fe  left  the  sallurey 
for  she  is  a  sponsible  woman  <k  is  related  2  the  Batts, 
which  they  air  the  greatest  fokes  in  Smootsville,  &  she 
wouldn't  set  there  2  iukurridge  a  man  into  telling  sich 
lyes  2  the  rising  jinerashun  of  Baldinsville,  which  aut 
2  remember  their  Greatur  in  the  days  of  their  yuth. 

Then  gurls  would  be  afeared  to  go  to  meeting,  or  2 
skool,  or  to  inywhere  else,  for  fear  they  would  slip  orf 
of  the  world,  ef  he  could  make  um  beleeve  it  were 
round.  What  would  become  of  awl  the  cattle  ?  How 
could  they  clime  up  the  sides  1  The  peple  underneath 
us  would  fall  orf  head-foremost,  &  whare  would  theygo 
twol 

He  talked  about  the  sun  &  the  stars  having  peple 
onto  um,  &  housen  &  churches,  like  this  yere  airth ! 

That  air  anuther  lye,  for  the  sun  &  the  moon  &  the 
stars  was  maid  2  giv  light  to  this  airth,  <fe  that's  awl 
they  Was  ever  intended  for. 

Its  strange  how  ignorant  some  peple  air.  There  was 
mourn  70  or  80  peple  that  sot  there  &  let  them  stuff 
sich  nonsense  down  their  gizzurds  &  they  bleeved  every 
word  of  it  jist  as  much  as  ef  me  or  arteemass  had   been 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  127 

telling  um  about  the  kangaroo  &  the  other  wiU 
beastesses  in  the  sho. 

What  does  peple  want  two  no  about  them  lites  up  in 
the  clouds,  the  moon  &  stars  &  sich  ?  Suppose  there 
was  peple  onto  um,  what  good  would  that  doo  two  us  ? 
They  don't  come  under  the  Constitution  of  the  United 
States,  &  ef  they  node  we  was  tawking  about  um  they 
mite  thro  down  stones  &  sich  onto  us,  &  we  hev  know 
weigh  2  sew  um  for  dammijis.  There's  know  police- 
man could  clime  up  there  two  arrest  um. 

Arteemass  thinks  he  ought  two  be  interdicted  for  get- 
ting munny  under  false  pretences,  leastwise  he  can 
prove  to  the  court  thet  them  peple's  onto  them  plannets 
that  he  talks  about. 


128  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 


A  CITY  GIRL. 

1  bleeve  1  haff  of  the  sitty  foks  air  non  compass 
meatus.  Some  on  um  air  the  onoreerst  peple  that  air 
skeercd  up  inywhere. 

There  was  a  yung  gurl  come  to  Baldinsvilie  from  the 
sitty  two  see  her  aunt.  She  was  rigged  out  into  si  eh 
close  as  maid  her  look  like  a  butterfly  mourn  a  hooman 
crittur,  &  she  never  come  a  neer  our  sho,  though  it's 
only  15  cents — children  haff  price. 

She  was  awl  the  time  flying  round  the  fields  &  pick- 
ing flours  &  sich  like,  &  she  called  um  Botany.  That 
riz  the  dander  of  the  nabors,  for  they  bleeved  thatshe 
must  hev  come  from  Botany  Bay. 

As  soon  as  we  suspicioned  hur  2  be  escaped  froni 
Botany  Bay,  we  watched  hur  closer  than  ever.  Then 
agin  we  korncluded  she  want  rite  in  hur  Intellectual 
for  when  she  went  into  a  meddur  wharo  there  was 
heeps  of   yallur  flours,  she  held  up  her  hands  &  maid  a 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  129 

tremenjus  fuss  over  um,  &  called  una  drops  of  goold 
on  a  emeruld  robe. 

The  nabors  telled  hur  she  was  cleen  out  there,  as 
them  was  northing  but  flours  which  they  was  of  no 
more  use  than  the  grass,  <fe  the  grass  was  only  fit  for 
feeding  the  critturs  afture  it  was  mowed  &  dried  into  hai. 

But  they  couldn't  beat  notting  into  hur  ;  &  she  went 
onto  the  big  rocks  &  brooks  a  running  over  um,  <fc 
praised  um  like  fury,  instead  of  admiring  the  corn  & 
pertaters  which  they  were  grov/ing  up  finely  <fe  air 
good  two  eat. 

Then  she  went  out  with  her  pencil  &  paper  &  drawed 
an  old  barrack  that  was  awl  in  ruins,  when  she  might 
hev  had  that  nice,  tall,  new  brick  house  of  Doctor 
Green's  to  draw,  which  air  the  only  brick  house  into 
the  villidge.  Then  we  seen  that  the  cirttur  didn't  no 
much.  She  hadn't  much  in  hur  garrit.  [This  is  a  fig- 
gur,  &  means  braines.]  But  the  square's  son  took  a 
grate  fancy  2  hur,  which  it  shode  that  he  was  a  fool  2, 
since  he  mite  hev  had  Mr.  Edward's  dawter,  hoo  can 
doo  more  house-work  than  inny  gal  in  Baldinsville,  & 
stands  five  foot  eleven  in  her  storkings,  &  ways  over 
250  pounds. 

But  the  yung  fokes  into  these  days  hev  got  know 
scents,  like  when  we  was  yung,  &  use  to  go  a  kortin^. 

The  fust  question  was  arsked  them  about  a  gurl  was  : 
"  IIovv  many  spoons  has  she  got  1     How  many  yards 


130  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

of  cloth  can  she  weeve  into  a  day  1  Has  she  been 
brought  up  into  the  nurchure  &  admiration  of  the 
Lord  &  been  well  spanked  when  she  disobade  hur 
mother  ?" 

But  awl  this  has  been  altard  of  lately,  &  they  larns 
two  play  onto  the  pyane  &  run  about  to  bawls  & 
theayturs,  &  tends  leckturs  insted  of  the  morrill  exi- 
bition  of  wax  figgurs,  which  it  air  for  the  improve- 
ment of  the  rising  jineration. 

Finelly,  the  square's  sun  was  so  onkonsidrate  as  two 
pop  the  kwestion  two  this  sitty  gurl,  &  she  had  the  im- 
perdunz  2  refuse  him.  Arfture  that  everybody  looked 
onto  hur  with  disgust,  &  I  dare  say  she'll  dye  an  old 
made. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  131 


AN  ENTHUSIASTIC  FRIEND. 

There's  some  peple  thet  don't  bleeve  in  Friendship ; 
they  think  it's  awl  a  perteneegot  up  like  a  meal  o' 
drammy  for  the  entertainment  of  them  that  can't  see 
behind  the  scenes,  &  that  takes  tinsel  for  goold  &  red 
paint  for  the  natteral  color  of  the  cheeks. 

But  arteemass  was  never  iny  of  that  sort ;  he  alius 
bleeved  into  Friendship,  &  maid  awl  the  friends  he 
could  which  it  air  the  dooty  of  a  showman,  as  his 
friends  will  come  to  the  sho. 

1  day  arteemass  was  standing  in  the  door  of  his  tent, 
when  he  seen  a  tall  man  into  a  short  brown  kote  com- 
ing up  the  rode,  &  looking  at  him  as  ef  he  ode  him 
something. 

As  soon  as  the  felure  got  opposit  two  arteemas,  he 
smiled  <fe  pulled  up  his  hat,  &  run  up  to  arteemass 
hoUuring  out: 

"  My  ize  don't  deceive  me  ;  it  air — it  air  the  distin- 
guished shoman,  the  grate  morill  exibitor  of  wax 
figgurs  &  lyons,  &  monkies,  <fe  sich !" 


132  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

Then  he  put  out  his  hand,  &  took  holt  of  artemass's 
hand  &  squeezed  awl  the  blood  out  of  it.  &  smiled  agin 
&  bowed  &  sez :  "  1  think  it  a  onur  two  make  yure 
akwaintance — upon  my  sole  !" 

Artcemass  didn't  no  what  2  say  at  fust,  but  the  man 
into  the  short  kote  kept  on  tawking  <fe  praising  of 
arteemass  so  steep  that  he  blushed  like  a  red  kabbidge 
&  thought  he'd  found  1  of  the  biggest  friends  that  ever 
fell  two  the  lot  of  frale  mortallity,  as  the  poto 
obsarves. 

Arteemass  begun  two  thaw  out  pritty  fast  <fc  tolled 
the  stranjer  he  was  glad  two  see  him,  &  hoped  his  wife 
&  family  was  into  good  helth. 

"  Well,  I  can't  say  much  for  that,"  ansurd  the  man 
into  the  short  kote  ;  "  my  wife  is  ruther  the  wuss  for 
ware  with  the  dipthury  &  my  oldest  gurl  is  down  with 
the  small  pox,  &:,  as  for  the  baby,  it  had  simptoms  of 
the  kroop  when  I  left  home  ;  but,  heering  that  yu  w^as 
into  the  nayburhood,  I  left  um  awl  &  hurrid  up  two 
take  my  distinguished  frend  by  the  hand.  Well,  how's 
times  with  yu,  my  good  friend  1" 

"  Euther  ornery."  sez  arteemass ;  "  kornsidring. 
Munny  air  pesky  skurce,  &  my  grate  morrill  exibition 
hev  been  sadly  neglected  of  late ;  but  I'm  into  hopes 
it  will  look  up,  about  krissmus." 

'*  Don't  say  a  word,  my  dear  friend,"  sez  the  felure 
in  the  short  kote.  "  Ef  a  few  hundreds  will  be  iny  use 
two  yu— now  I'm  knot  into  the  habit  of  loning  out 


IIUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  133 

munny  ;  I've  got  a  snug  coinpittunz  left  me  by  my 
late  uncle,  the  Hon.  Thomas  Weskot,  &  I  meen  2  take 
keer  of  it;  but  vvhare  there  air  an  exibition  like  yourn 
that  ought  two  be  supported  at  awl  hazzuds,  &  without 
distinction  of  party,  it's  the  dooty  of  awl  patriotick  in- 
dividooals  2  doo  what  they  can  2  enkurridge  it,  and  I 
wouldn't  object  2  lone  yu  some  800  dollars — say,  for  1 
year.  I  wouldn't  offer  it  2  yu  as  a  pressent,  tho  my 
hart  promts  me  2  doo  so,  for  I  no  whet  would  be  the 
feelinks  of  a  hi-minded  jentleman  like  yu — yu  would 
feel  insulted  dowtless — espeshally  from  a  stranjur;  tho 
yu  air  know  stranjur  2  yure  kuntrymen.  Whet  sav 
yu,  kind  sir,  is  my  offur  indellikui?  Will  yu  except 
the  lone  of  800  f 

Arteemass  jumpt  at  the  chans,  for  it  came  in  very 
good  time,  as  he  was  eggspecting  2  be  sood  onto  the 
next  day  for  a  little  akkownt  of  150  dollars  that  he  ode 
2  John  Sw[|in  the  karpentur. 

So  he  shook  hands  with  the  man  into  the  short  kote 
&  sez  :  "How  can  I  repay  yu  for  yure  kindness,  sur; 
in  so  fur  as  my  sho " 

"  Not  a  word,  distinguished  sur,"  sez  the  other ; 
"  I'm  going  rite  over  2  the  bank  in  Smootsville  now  2 
draw  out  a  kornsiderable  sum,  &  I'll  stop  as  I  come 
along  back  &  let  yu  hev  the  800." 

Then  Arteemass  thanked  him  agin,  and  sed,  "  You 
air,  indeed,  a  friend  in  need." 


1,'^4  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

The  man  seemed  2  be  into  a  pesky  hurry,  &  run  rite 
down  the  rode,  as  ef  he  was  going  two  Smootsville,  but 
he  haddend  got  mourn  2  "rod  when  he  stopt  awl  of  a 
suddent,  &  seemed  to  think  hafF  a  minnit ;  then  he  run 
back  2  Arteemass  &  sez  : 

"  I  jist  remember  that  I  owe  the  square  50  dollars 
for  mannidging  a  case  for  me  into  the  Common  Please, 
&  as  I'm  going  rite  by  his  dore,  I  would  prefer  2  stop 
in  &  pay  him,  insted  of  wating  till  I  come  back  from 
the  bank.  You  have'nt  that  trifle  about  you,  have 
you  r 

"I  guess  we  can  raze  it,"  sez  arteemass;  "iny thing 
2  obleege  so  good  a  friend " 

"  Put  yourself  to'  no  trubble,"  sez  the  man  into  the 
short  kote. 

"  No  trubble  into  the  world,"  sez  arteemass,  &  he 
went  to  his  box  insighed  the  tent,  &  scraped  out  every 
scent  which  it  come  2  jist  51  dollars  and  17  scents. 

"Take  it  awl,"  sez  arteemass;  "I  can  weight  for  it 
till  yu  come  back." 

"  Jist  so,"  sez  the  strangur ;  "  it'll  be  hut  the  vally 
of  hafF  an  our  when  I'm  heer  again." 

The  man  with  the  short  kote  put  the  munny  into  his 
pocket,  &  scampured  down  the  rode. 

As  soon  as  he  was  gone,  sez  I  to  arteemass :  "  Know 
doubt  it  air  a  very  onest  man  &  a  good  1,  but  yu  fug- 
gut  to  arsk  his  name,  &  now  it  can't  do  know  harm  for 


nUli  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  J 35 

yu  jist  2  follur  him  as  fur  as  the  big  chasenut  tree 
yander,  &  fix  yure  eye  onto  him,  &  see  if  he  stops  at 
the  square's  house  to  pay  him  that  50  dollurs  that 
yu've  let  him  hev." 

*' That's  ridiklus,"  sez  arteemass;  "  it's  very  ornery 
to  be  spying  arfture  a  good  friend  like  he,  <fc  dogging 
his  footsteps  like  a  injun." 

"  Then  I'll  go,"  sez  I ;  &  I  run  orf  without  anuther 
word  ;  before  I'd  got  as  fur  as  the  ehasenut  tree,  I  seen 
the  man  turn  down  the  crooked  lane  that  leads  into  the 
pine  woods.     He  never  went  a-neer  the  square's  house. 

Then  I  begun  2  suspicion  him  &  konkluded  that  the 
square  wouldn't  sie  hyde  gnaw  hare  of  that  munny  that 
arteemass  had  let  him  hev. 

Now  arteemass  air  ruther  shaky  about  the  intellecto- 
vals,  &  he's  a  poor  onprotected  orfin  without  me ;  but 
when  he  sees  a  thing  as  plane  as  day  he  believes  in  it. 

Akawdingly,  when  I  went  back  <fe  telled  him  that  the 
felure  had  turned  down  the  lane,  arteemass  run  arfture 
him  at  full  speed  &,  on  the  weigh,  he  picked  up  two  oth- 
er men  hoo  jined  into  the  pursoot. 

The  felure  turned  his  hed  &  seed  um  coming  full 
split  onto  his  tract,  &  then  he  kornjecturd  that  artee- 
mass had  some  dowts  of  his  onesty.  He  run  like  a 
grai  hound  &  would  hev  got  aweigh  ef  he  hadn't  slumpt 
into  a  kwagmyer.  That  riled  him  and  he  begun  two 
cuss  &  kept  on  cussing  till  arteemass  come  up  &  ceased 
his  body. 


136  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

Then  I  arsked  1  of  the  men  to  run  &  bring  an 
offisser.  He  sinnifide  he  better  cawl  the  square,  &  he 
cawled  him. 

When  the  square  come,  he  sed  he  sposed  the  man 
would  like  two  get  out  a  homine  replegiendo. 

I  node  what  the  hominy  meant,  heving  et  bushels  of 
it  with  mullasses,  but  the  rippleindigo  was  parst  my 
gumption. 

So  the  square  went  in  to  talk  with  the  raskil,  <fe 
arflure  a  little  wile,  he  oome  out  &  sed  the  man  into 
the  short  kote  was  non  est  inventus. 

A  grate  inventor  know  dowt  into  the  weigh  of  lies. 
But  arteemass  seemed  to  hev  some  idee  that  awl  wasn't 
rite,  &  run  into  the  tent.  A  grate  hole  was  ript  with 
a  nife  into  the  back  part  of  it,  &  the  man  was  missing. 

Arfture  that  day,  arteemass  was  ruther  dubus  about 
trusting  his  good  friends. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  137 


THE   ACTRESS. 

When  artecimaas  fust  set  up  his  sho,  he  had  an  idee 
that  I  could  doo  well  into  acting  out  serting  peaces  in 
the  drammattick  line.  He  sed  he  bleeved  that  I  had 
the  gift  of  gab  well  enufF  two  exsell  into  the  socks  & 
brick  skins. 

We  got  a  few  boards  &  eructated  a  platform  in  the 
back  part  of  the  tent,  with  seats  sot  in  front,  &  1  arm- 
cheer  for  the  square. 

The  play  was  to  be  Romiro  &  Juliet.  Arteemas  was 
2  act  Romiro  &  I  was  2  act  Juliet,  whilst  our  hired 
gurl,  Nancy  Maclay,  w^as  2  act  the  nuss,  &  run  down 
Romiro  for  2  giv  Juliet  a  chanse  two  say  she  hoped 
blisturs  would  gro  out  onto  bur  tung. 

I  larnt  the  peace  &  so  did  arteemass,  &  we  got  every 
thing  awl  redely  to  speak  it,  the  nuss  was  2  put  on  a 
black  kote,  into  a  part  of  the  pease  &  be  a  preest,  & 
then  a  potecary  afturwards,  &  at  larst  I  was  two  put  on 
arteemass's  overkote  &  be  Mistur  Capperlate. 

Be4  I  acted  Capperlate,  I  was  2  be  put  into  a  toom. 


138  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

Jfe  make  bleeve  I  was  a  corpse,  &  then  I  was  2  come  2 
life  tfe  speak  a  butifal  peace,  <fe  awl  that  air. 

\Ve  got  a  big  box  from  the  store  that  was  used  to 
put  kole  &  wood  into  &  cleaned  it  out,  &  that  was  to 
be  the  toom. 

The  aujience  was  numeros,  which  it  was  a  noo  thing 
to  act  drammatists  in  them  parts,  &  they  come  from 
awl  around  2  see  the  drammur.  They  called  it  the 
hiss-tonick  act  which  I  diddent  no  the  why  at  fust,  but 
I  larnd  it  be4  we  got  threw. 

Immejuntly  the  aujiense  was  awl  in,  we  begun  to  act, 
&  it  awl  went  well  enufF  as  arteemass  red  his  part  out 
of  the  book,  &  tolled  me  what  two  say  whenevver  I 
got  stuck. 

At  Wst,  they  put  me  into  the  kole  box ;  that  was 
the  toom.  It  was  awl  dark  in  there,  &  fust  I  perseeved 
something  scratched  my  leg  &  squalled  .out,  &;  I  pre- 
seeved  that  I  had  soddown  on  a  cat  that  had  gone  to 
sleep  there, 

I  was  nonplushed  with-  fear  at  onct.  The  cat  squalled, 
&  I  screeched  &  hoUurd  2  arteemass  2  come  &  let  me 
out ;  but  he  come  &  whispered  2  me  &  tolled  me  two 
shet  up  or  I  would  spile  the  drammer. 

The  cat  clung  to  my  leg  &  scratched  <fe  squalled  wuss 
than  ever,  <fcj[  was  horrid  frightened  ;  so  I  sot  up  a  yell 
that  yu  mite  Lev  hearn  a  mild,  &  at  larst,  I  maid  out  2 
scramble  out  of  the  box  into  the  front  of  the  aujience, 


HUE*  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  #       I39 

&  begun  2  scold  arteemass  for  desarting  the  wife  of  his 
booziin  into  the  hour  of  her  distress.  The  cat  jumpt 
out  at  the  same  time  &  run  under  the  sects,  &  some  of 
'the  aujience  hissed,  some  on  em  hollurd  "  Scat !"  &,  at 
larst,  a  niggur  wench  yelped  out  that  1  of  the  wild 
beastesses  had  broke  loose. 

Then  the  aujience  begun  two  yell,  the  ladies  fainted 
grasefully  into  the  arms  of  their  affinities,  <fe  every  1 
that  want  so  fritened  they  couldn't  stir  maid  a  bee-line 
for  the  door  of  the  tent. 

That  air  the  last  dammaticks  that  I  ever  was  indoosd 
2  sho  my  tackticks  into. 


140  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


THE  DOCTOR. 

1  HOPE  I  needn't  tell  the  publick,  at  this  lately  day, 
that  all  the  docktors  of  the  riglar  fdckelty  are  fools  & 
purtendurs,  hoo  nose  nothing  about  the  hooman  sistim, 
&  never  use  notting  but  marquery  for  the  qure  of 
every  decease. 

The  ladies  of  our  society  were  very  much  pleesed  &. 
eddifide  by  a  docktur  of  the  noo  skool,  hoo  was  invited 
2  deliver  .an  addres  two  us  the  other  nite. 

He  never  redes  iny  books  about  the  mittery  medi- 
cines, but  has  invented  a  weigh  of  hiz  oan  two  "  qure 
awl  the  ills  that  flesh  is  air  2,"  to  yuse  hiz  oan  orijinul 
languidge. 

He  karries  the  flour  of  the  field  &  other  sarting 
qurcs  into  hiz  saddle-bags,  &  can  heel  iny  decease  as- 
eezy  as  he  can  heel  a  shu,  for  he  mended  shuze  be4  he 
was  inspired  two  qure  the  bodice  of  men. 

Arfture  he  had  delivvurd  his  address  two  us  ladies,  a 
riglar  fackelty  hoo  had  been  invyted  two  heer  him,  was 
aloud  two  arsk  him  a  foo  kwestions,  as  followers ; 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  141- 

***  Yu  say  that  salt  should  never  be  eaten ;  do  yu  knot 
no  that  salt  air  a  part  of  our  own  komposition  ?" 

"Well,  that's  a  kwestion  that's  of  know  importunz," 
sez  the  wise  fizishun ;  " "  it's  knot  what's  into  ns,  but 
what  ant  two  go  into  us  that  should  be  the  kwestion 
among  doctors.  1  never  hearn  of  but  ]  purson  which 
salt  was  a  part  of  hur  kornposition,  &  that  was  Lot's 
wife." 

"  What  do  you  say  two  Niobe  hoo  was  awl  tears  ? 
Tears  are  salt  yu  no." 

"  I  never  hearn  of  her  be4,  but  I  suspicion  it's  the 
same  individooal,  only  the  tears  was  all  froze  solid  ; 
that  would  make  hur  a  pillow  of  salt,  yu  no." 

Here,  I  couldn't  help  putting  in  a  word,  &  I  riz  up, 
with  grate  dignity,  &  sez  I :  "As  fur  Lot's  wife,  ef 
koarse  there  was  salt  into  hur  kornposition,  for  we  hev 
Scriptur  for  that ;  but  she -was  1  of  the  most  remarka- 
blyest  wimmin  that  was  ever  razed  into  this  kuntry.  I 
don't  think  it's  a  fare  argyment  2  bring  hur  up  heer,  <fe 
as  1  of  the  ladies  of  this  sosiety,  I  purtest  agin  it. 
Salt  hav  got  nothing  2  doo  with  the  subgect." 

"  Begging  yure  pardon,  Madam,"  sez  the  riglar 
fackelty  ;  "  salt  is  the  subject  under  debate.  I  was  in 
hopes  yu  noo,  sur,  that  salt  formed  a  portion  of  the 
human  boddy." 

"  We  want  none  of  yure  potions  heer,"  sez  the  grate 
fizishun  ;  "  they're  awl  marquery  &  notfeing  else.     The 


142  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

hooman  boddy  is  under  the  controll  of  the^sperritt  ^ 
is  subjeck  two  the  will." 

"  To  a  certain  extent,"  said  the  riglar  fackelty ;  "  but 
death  cannot  be  staved  off  by  the  hooman  will." 

"  The  hoomau  will  can  expell  everything  as  the 
whale  expelled  Jonah  from  his  intervals,"  sed  the  grate 
fizishun. 

"  Will  the  will  expel  catalepsy  ?" 

"  Surtingly,  sur,"  ansurd  the  grate  fizishun  ;  "  so  will 
cold  water  ?" 

"  Did  yu  ever  see  a  purson  in  catalepsy  apply  cold 
water  to  himself  f 

"  No,  but  I  alius  apply  cold  water  two  um,  when  iny 
one  suffring  from  that  decease  cawls  upon  me  !" 
*     "  Indeed,  sur — yu  hev  remarkibble  patients  !" 

"  A  docktur  should  alius  hev  patience,  else  how  could 
he  bare  so  much  as  he  doos." 

"  You  misunderstand  me,  sur.  But  let  that  parse  ; 
how  do  you  qure  tetanus  1" 

"  The  easiest  thing  into  the  world,"  ansurd  the  grate 
fizishun  ;  "  we  keep  his  stummick  full  two  expell  the 
wind ;  then  we  put  hot  bricks  two  his  feet  &  bottles  of 
water  two  the  part  effeckted,  &  make  him  take  a  plenty 
of  exersise  into  the  open  air." 

"  How  doo  yu  qure  aneurism  1" 

"  The  what  ?" 

"Aneurism." 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  143 

^*  Oh  !  that  air — yes,  when  the  fit  comes  on " 

"I'm  speaking  of  the  pekulyur  swelling  called 
aneurism,  sur." 

"  Yes — yes — I  see.  Why,  sur,  we  put  on  a  hot- 
bread  poltiss,  of  koarse,  2  draw  it  2  a  head,  &  when 
it's  ripe  we  lance  it,  &  squeeze  out  the  juce." 

"  Well,  sur,  awl  I .  can  say  is  that  yure  modes  of 
treatment  are  entirely  original — so  much  so,  that  ef  yu 
would  like  a  purmanent  position,  I  think  you  might  be 
got  into  the  lunatic  asylum  without  much  trubble." 

"  Do  you  no  of  a  vacunsy  there,  sur  1"  arsked  the 
.    grate  fizishun. 

"  There  air  alius  room' there  for  sich  as  yu,"  sed  the 
riglar  fackelty ;  "  &  the  addition  of  a  straight  jacket 
mite  knot  come  amiss  in  yure  case." 

"  Yu  air  a  reviler  of  the  truth,"  sez  the  grate  fizi- 
shun, hoose  dandur  riz  rite  up,  &  I  don't  bleeve  yu  no 
how  to  qure  iny  of  the  things  yu  mentioned ;  yu  air  an 
'  onery  quack  that " 

"  Stop,  stop,  sir !  1  thing  at  a  time.  I  hev  men- 
tion catalepsy,  tetanus,  k  aneurism,  &  yu  say  I  don't 
no  how  two  qure  um.  I  can  ansur  yure  kwestions,  ef 
yu  can't  answur  mine.  Firstly — catelepsy  :  this  is  a 
trance  in  which  the  patient  seems  unconscious,  like  a 
statue.  It  attacks  females  more  frequently  than  males. 
Medicnies  calculated  to  relieve  nervous  irritation  air 
good    for   it.      Mustard    poultices    along    the    spinal 


144  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

coUum.  Citrate  of  iron  &  strychine  taken  with  syrup 
of  orange  peel  &  soft  water — one  terspoonful  three 
times  a  day.  Pills  of  iron  &  quinine,  &  other  medi- 
cines too  numerous  to  be  mentioned  now.  Tetanus  or 
locked-jaw. — For  this  give  chloroform  &  ether  in  quan- 
tities sufficient  to  control  the  spasm.  Aneurism  is  a 
swelling  caused  by  the  coats  of  an  artery  becoming 
weak,  swelling  out  &  causing  a  sac  or  pouch.  Stop 
the  circulation  through  it  by  compression  if  possible, 
so  as  greatly  to  diminish  its  flow.  If  not,  tie  the  artery 
between  the  aneurism  &  the  heart.  Use  tincture  of 
veratrum  to  reduce  the  force  of  the  circulation." 

Arftur  the  riglar  fackelty  was   done  with  the  hard 
words,  which  it  made  us  awl  larf,  the  great  fizishun  riz 
,  up,  &  sez  he : 

"  Come  on,  as  minny  of  yu  as  pleases ;  I've  never 
been  floored  yet,  &  I've  disputed  with  more  dockturs 
than  yu  can  shake  a  stick  at.  As  for  awl  yu've  jist 
sed,  it's  a  mass  of  nonsense.  It's  like  the  armor  of 
Soil,  which  I've  cast  orf  &  hevn't  proved  it.  I  plant 
my  foot  onto  eternal  rocks,  &;  I'll  go  on  &  am  shure  of 
victory  & " 

Biglar  Fackelty — "  Yes,  sur,  I  see  yu  are  wiser  than 
seven  wise  men  hoo  can  render  a  reason " 

Great  Fizishun — "  Reasons  or  figs,  it  air  awl  1  two 
me.  I've  got  a  mission  two  go  threw  the  airth  konkur- 
ing  &  two  konkur,  <fe  two  pull  down  owl  the  high  places 


The  Highly  Intelligent  Jury  !     [See  Page  42.| 


HTJR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  145 

in  Geerusylum.     I  look  onto  this  yere  quack  docktiu^ 
with  silent  korntemt." 

Then  we  all  clapt  our  hands  &;  waved  our  hankur- 
"shurs,  and  took  a  vote  thet  Docktur  Steeves  was  the 
great  fizishun  of  the  world,  thet  he  had  never  been 
floored  into  any  argyment,  &  that  the  regilar  fackelty 
was  a  quack  &  aut  to  be  expelled  out  of  the  bilding  as 
the  whale  expelled  Jonas. 

Me  &  abbigul  Place  was  then  appointed  a  kommitty 
to  request  the  riglar  fackelty  two  make  hisself  skurce 
at  hiz  urliest  kornvenyunz,  &  he  took  up  his  hat  & 
cleared  out  with  a  flee  into  hiz  ear. 

Then  the  great  fizishun  came  down  from  the  desk  <fe 
shook  hands  with  us  ladies,  &  we  korngrattoolated  him 
onto  his  victory,  &  he  arsked  us  if  we  didn't  see  how 
glad  his  advarserry  was  to  sneak  orf. 

"  Oh  !"  sez  he ;  "  ef  he  had  stayed  a  little  longur  I'd 
hev  anulated  him ;  there  wouldn't  have  been  a  piece  of 
him  left  big  enufF  to  sware  by." 

Then  Miss  Abbigul  White  put  up  her  smiling  mouth 
to  him,  &  sed  :  "  Ah  !  come,  now,  sho  a  little  mursy. 
1  felt  for  the  poor  felure  whilst  he  was  writhing  under 
yure  kastugashuns.     The  strong  should  be  mersifull." 

"  No — no  mercy  for  such  as  him !"  cried  the  grate 
fizishun,  nobly. 

Oh  !  I  doo  think  he  air  such  a  nice  man !     Noboddy 
can  help  loving  him. 
.7 


146  BETSE?  JANE  WAED 


THE  APPARITION. 

When  arteemass  &  me  had  been  out  1  arfturnoon 
picking  blueberries,  jist  as  we  turned  into  the  5  akur 
lot,  we  seen  something  white  stanning  up  agin  the 
big  chasenut  tree  there  in  the  korner,  &;  arteemass  was 
fakeert  at  the  fust ;  but  we  that  are  sperituals  air  never 
afeerd  of  seeing  the  departed. 

So  I  gets  partly  behind  arteemass,  two  inkurridge 
him,  &  sez  I  two  the  speerit : 

"  PIoo  air  thou  that  comes  making  the  nite  hiddus, 
two  steel  glimsiz  of  the  moon,  &  makes  a  fool  of  na- 
chure.     Avant,  &  truble  us  know  more !" 

But  there  it  stood  &  never  a  word,  &  then  I  seen  it 
was  the  most  obstinatest  ghost  that  ever  I  sawn  into 
my  life ;  &  I  winkt  two  arteemass  two  parse  on  <fe  leaf 
it  alone;  but  he  didn't  see  me  it  was  so  dark,  &,  at 
larst,he  v/as  going  rite  up  two  the  ghost  two  speek  two 
it,  but  I  kept  him  back  by  pulling  on  his  kote-tale  be- 
hind, fur  cf  it  shouldn't  happen  two  be  a  ghost,  it  would 
hov  inkurridged  arteemass  into  his  skeptuschism. 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS,  I47 

So  I  whispurd  two  him,  &  sez  I:  "Go  on,  artee- 
mass,  &  don't  run  the  wife  of  your  boozuni  into  dan- 
ger." 

But  he  hollurd  out  to  the  sperrit :  "  Be  thou  a 
sperrifc  from  heving,  or  goblet  dammd,  bring  with  yu 
hairs  from  lieving  or  blasts  from  hell,  I'll  spexjk  unto 
thee." 

Then  the  ghost  kind  o'  moved,  &  arteemass  jumpt 
back  &  like  2  nokt  me  over  as  I  stood  behind  him  ;  & 
sez  he  tur  me  : 

"  Betsey  Jane,  yu  no  I  aint  afeared  of  that  air  thing. 
I'm  sure  it  aint  a  sperrit,  bekaws  a  sperrit  air  invissible 
&  kornsequentially  he  can't  be  scene  know  how. 
That's  reason  enufF  for  not  being  afeared  of  the  thing, 
whatsomever  it  air." 

"  Well,  then,  arteemass,  ef  yu  want  to  speek  two  the 
sperrit — for  I'm  shure  it  air  a  sperrit — I'll  stop  hear 
whilst  yu  go  up  and  speek  two  it." 

"  Betsey  Jane,"  sez  he,  considurable  riled — "  Betsey- 
Jane,  doo  yu  think  I'm  going  for  two  inkurridge  yure 
silly  notions  by  taking  the  panes  two  go  up  &  speek 
to  thet  air  thing  ?     Yu  make  me  larf  with  yure  foolish 
ness." 

But  he  didn't  larf;  he  shook  like  a  leaf,  tho.  Pre- 
hapa  he  called  that  larfing,  some  fokes  has  sich  queer 
names  for  things  into  these  days. 

So  we  parsed  on,  &  then  I  went  be4  arteenaass  <fe  let 


148  BETSEY  J.VNE  WAED 

lilm  walk  behind,  to  sho  him  that  1  wasn't  skcert  the 
Icastest  bit  &  could  step  orf  as  brisk  as  ever. 

Nixt  morning,  arteemass  got  up  brite  &  urly,  &:  went 
two  see  ef  the  ghost  wns  there  yet.  But  the  ghost  was 
gone  &  had  left  in  hiz  2")lace  the  thing  that  he  wore,  no 
dowt,  whilst  he  was  stanning  the  nite  bc4.  It  was  a 
long  strip  of  white  cloth  like  it  had  been  torn  orf  the 
whole  length  of  a  sheet,  &  it  hung  by  the  lim  of  a  tree, 
&  enormost  tucht  the  ground. 

No  dowt  the  ghost  wore  it  the  nite  be4,  &:  having  no- 
further  use  for  it  when  he  left  the  urth,  he  hung  it  up 
on  the  tree. 

Arteemass  wanted  to  purtend  that  this  peace  of  white 
cloth  was  awl  the  ghost  we  had  seen.  It's  strange  how 
much  onbelief  there  air  into  these  days. 

Sez  I  two  arteemass  :  "  yu  only  giss  that  there  want 
no  ghost;  that  shoze  yu  hev  a  dowt.  Very  well,  as  the 
ghost  air  on  the  trial,  he  should  hev  the  benefit  of  the 
dowt ;  therefore  yu  may  kornklude  that  we,  poor  mor- 
tels,  hev  been  favored  with  a  sight  of  1  of  the  dear  de- 
parted." 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAiiS.  149 


THE  VILLAGE    BELLE. 

The  best  and  prettiest   gurl  into   Baldinsville  v/as 

Miss  Sarah .     Wlien  she  got  along  2  be  16  or  17 

yeer  old  awl  the  fclures  was  flocking  arfture  hur  as  ef 
she  had  been  a  camp  meeting  or  a  hoss-race. 

But  she  was  nythur  ]  gnaw  the  othur.  Everybody 
that  looked  af  hur  loved  hur,  bekaws' she  looked  so 
good  &  so  plezzant,  <fe  had  sich  a  weigh  with  hur  that 
yu  couldn't  get  over  it  know  how. 

Her  cheeks  were  like  the  roses  in  June,  &  her  pout- 
ing red  lips  was  so  sweet  that  a  bee  lit  onto  um  1  day, 
<fe  I'll  be  bound  that  he  got  sweeter  hunny  out  of  them 
than  he  ever  got  out  of  a  rose-leaf. 

Sich  a  1  was  Sarah,  &  everybody  sawt  her  cumpany  ; 
but  there  was  1  big  lummux  of  a  felure,  called  Jake 
Daybrook,  what  kept  into  the  store  &  sold  goods  two 
customers  &  rit  up  the  akkownts.  He  use  two  dress 
up  spruce  every  Sunday  &  walk  parst  h'ur  windur,  into 
the  hope  that  she  would  karst  an  eye  onto  him. 

But  Sarah  didn't  seem  two  be  much  took  with  him, 
mourn  with  the  rest.  Prehaps  she  didn't  liiie  his  big 
Knows. 


150  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

She  was  never  proud,  gnaw  stuck  up,  but  she  had  a 
rite  to  chuse  for  hurself  hoo  she  would  marry.  Jake 
was  dredfull  down-harted  .when  he  found  that  Sarah 
didn't  smile  upon  hiz  soot,  &  he  hung  on  like  a  snap- 
ping-turkle  two  a  nigger's  big  toe. 

At  larst  Jake  plucked  up  kurridge  two  rite  hur  a 
peace  of  poetness,  &  put  it  into  the  Bugle  Horn  of 
Liberty,  as  followers : 

LINES  ON  MISS  SAEAH  . 

Have  you  the  gentle  Sarali  seen 
Come\ripping  o'er  the  village  green, 
Though  scarce  arrived  at  woman's  age 
Eobust  in  virtue  as  a  sage, 
Like  the  martyr  brave  who  bore  her  name 
At)d  soared  to  heaven  in  smoke  and  flame  ; 
In  aspect  kind,  in  bearing  meek, 
Aurora's  blush  is  on  her  cheek; 
Ilcr  brow  like  pure  Italian  skies, 
Grace  in  her  step,  heaven  in  her  eyes, 
And  fairer  is  her  swelling  breast 
Than  pearly  fdtim  on  ocean's  crest. 
And  her  breath  is  like  Arabian  spice, 
Her  mouth,  the  gate  of  Paradise, 
And  her  voice  hath  in  its  silvery  swell 
The  royal  minstrel's  magic  spell. 
And  her  smile  is  like  the  sunny  ray 
"When  stormy  clouds  have  passed  away. 
As  bees  in  summer's  sultry  hour, 
Come  buzzing  round  the  opening  flower, 
So  village  swains  from  glen  and  hill 
Surround  the  Eose  of  Baldinsvillet 

When  Sarah  read  this  poetness,  she  node  hoo  rit  it, 
as  it  was  just  the  weigh  tliat  Jake  tawkt  2  hur ;  but 
nobody  node  what  she  thought  onto  it,  as  she  kept  her 
mind  to  herself. 

As  for  Jake,  he  kept  going  about  the  villige  groning 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  151 

&  taking  on  about  Sarah.  He  come  down  to  the  tent, 
1  rainy  arfturenoon,  &  tolled  us  how  he  had  lost  20 
pound  of  flesh  on  akkownt  of  Sarah's  krewelty.  He 
rapt  his  weskit  around  him  &  shode  us  that  it  lapt  over 
ahout  G  inches.  Arteemass  sed  ef  he  kept  on  so,  he 
would  soon  be  as  slim  as  a  been-pole,  &  then  know  gurl 
would  hev  him. 

Arteemass  advised  him  to  try  corn-whiskey  which  it 
would  qure  the  bloos  ef  inything  would ;  but,  he  lade 
liis  hand  upon  his  hart  &  sed  :  "  It  won't  qure  what's 
into  hear,"   &  then  he  sithed  like  awl  nachure. 

Some  peple  tolled  him  he'd  better  list  into  the  army 
&  fite  for  the  union ;  but  he  ansurd  &  sed  there  was 
only  1  union  that  he  keerd  for,  &  that  was  his  union 
with  Sarah. 

Finelly,  he  krawled  into  a  hollur  log  &  sed  he'd  stay 
there  till  he  starved  two  deth ;  buf  1  of  the  nabors  come 
&  took  holt  of  his  ankel  &  hauled  him  out. 

It  was  thawt  best  two  watch  him  for  fear  he  mite 
commit  sewiside ;  they  seen  him,  into  the  middle  of  the 
nite,  laying  down  onto  Sarah's  door-stone,  &  a  felure 
kawled  Sam  Stone,  hoo  wanted  two  hev  a  lark,  went  & 
got  a  pale  of  water,  &  flung  it  over  him  &  then  doged 
behind  the  corner  of  the  house,  &  maid  him  bleeve  that 
Sarah  threw  it  onto  him  from  her  chamber  windur. 

That  finished  him ;  it  broke  his  hart  two  think  that 
Sarah  scorned  him  two  that  deggree  that  she  would,  par- 


152  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD 

secute  him  while  he  was  dying  for  love  of  hur ;  &  he 
set  out  two  commit  scwiside  in  ded  earnest. 

There  was  an  apotyoucarry  by  the  name  of  Tim 
Blake  hoo  sold  awl  sorts  of  meddysins,  hoo  lived  up 
into  Peter  Chase's  place,  &  Jake  went  two  see  the 
apotyoucarry,  &  ordurd  a  purscription  two  be  made  out, 
&  Jake  was  so  cunning  about  it  that  he  like  2  hev  suck- 
seeded  into  it.  lie  ordurd  three  kinds  of  meddysins 
that  was  harmless,  &  a  little  arsinnick  along  with  the 
rest,  jest  as  ef  it  was  intended  two  qure  some  sickness. 

But  there  was  1  Obed  Swain  hoo  had  his  eye  onto 
Jake,  &  when  he  seen  him  go  into  the  apotyoucarry 
shop,  he  node  what  he  was  arfture. 

So  as  soon  as  Jake  was  gone,  he  went  in  &  arsked 
Sim  what  Jake  had  been  bying.  Sim  sed  he  hadn't  got 
nothing  yet,  but  he  was  two  put  him  up  some  meddy- 
sins &  he  was  two  call  for  um  in  the  evening. 

Now  Obed  was  akwainted  with  Sarah,  &  he  run  rite 
orf  two  hur  &  tolled  hur  awl  that  Sim  had  tolled  him, 
&  sed  he  :  "  I'm  very  mutch  afeard,  Sarah,  that  that 
yung  man  will  kill  hisself  for  yure  sake." 

Then  Sarah's  hart  flutturd  into  hur  boozim  jist  like  a 
little  burd,  &  1  big  tear  gathered  into  hur  eye  &  it  groo 
bigger  &  bigger  till  at  last  it  fell  down  kerslap  onto 
hur  apun. 

Then  she  went  up  stares  a  minnit,  &  when  she  cum 
down,  she  had  a  little  note  in  hur  hand,  seeled  up  with 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  153 

seelinff  wax,  &  there  wasn't  more  than  3  or  4  words 
into  it,  &  she  gave  it-  two  Obed  &  tolled  him  two  tell 
the  apotyoucarry  two  doo  up  that  little  note  into  the 
same  packidge  with  the  meddysins. 

So  Sim  Blake  put  up  the  meddysins  &  the  little  note 
together,  &;  tide  the  packidge  with  a  little  red  string. 

In  the  evening,  Jake  come  two  the  shop  &;  took  away 
the  packidge. 

Somebody  heered  a  noise  in  Jake's  room  that  nite. 
It  sounded  like  somebody  larfing  and  dancing  for  joy, 
(fe  then  Jake's  door  busted  open  &  he  run  out,  with  not-x 
ting  onto  him  bii-t  his  shirt  &  trowsis,  &  away  he  went 
up  the  street,  &;  the  jokes  in  the  house  sed  he  had  gone 
mad  for  the  love  of  Sarah,  <fc  whet  a  pity  it  was,  sich  a 
nice  yung  man  two  ! 

But  the  nixt  day,  Jake  &  Sarah  was  scene  walking 
arm  &  arm  up  the  rode,  &  talking  together  as  thick  as 
2  pickpockets,  &  everybody  was  astonished.  As  fur 
the  apotyoucarry,  he  sed  he  had  never  put  up  a  pur- 
scription  be4  which  it  affected  a  qure  in  sicl>  a  short 
time. 

Arteemass  went  rite  up  two  the  apotyoucarry  shop 
two  enquire  what  was  the  meaning  of  it  awl,  but  Sim 
could  only  tell  him  that  a  little  pink-cuUud  note  was 

scent    two    the     shop    by  Sarah ,    &:  that  it  was 

done  up  into  the  pgickidge  with  the  other  meddysins,  & 
so  Jake  took  it  away  with  the  rest  of  the  meddysins, 


154  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

but  which  of  um  it  was  that  qured  him  he  couldn't  tell. 

Arteemas  studdid  it  out  a  long  time,  <fe  at  larst  he 
kornkluded  it  was  the  dose  into  the  pinl^  note,  taken 
farsting,  onto  an  emty  stummick,  that  qured  Jake. 

Into  about  3  weeks,  Jake  &  Sarah  was  marrid. 
They  hev  now  been  marrid  jist  1  year,  &  alius  lived 
hapyy  together  so  fur. 


HU^  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  155 


AETSTOCRACY. 

A  BUTiFUL  wooman  was  Mistrus  Nitingale,  hoo  lived 
into  the  big  white  house  onto  the  hill  above  the  old 
berrying  ground. 

She  come  down  two  the  tent  2  or  3  times  when  thare 
was  childurn  at  hur  house  onto  a  visit,  two  sho  um  the 
wax  figgurs  &  kangaroo. 

Mistrus  Nitingale  was  a  monstrashus  grate  lady,  &, 
ef  koarse,  she  newer  kep  compinny  with  iny  of  the 
kommon  sort.  You  wouldn't  see  hur  stop  &  speek  two 
iny  body  when  she  was  goin'  two  meeting,  without  it 
was  that  she  would  kurchy,  onct  in  a  wile,  two  the 
square's  wife,  bekaws  she  come  of  the  Shaws  hoo  air 
very  rich. 

Mistrus  Nitingale  wouldn't  ware  iny  of  the  noo 
fashions,  for  they  want  stately  enuff  for  hur.  She  was 
come  from  a  grate  fammily  of  the  Revvolushun  war,  & 
she  kep  on  the  same  dress  that  she  wore  when  she  was 
a  gurl. 

One  arfturnoon,  she  come  down  two  the  tent,  which 
it  was  a  very  fine  day  <fe  the  walking  was  good,  or  she 


156  '  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 

would   hev  rid   into  hur  coach.     She  brought   bur   2 
grandsons  with  hur,  little  boys,  two  sho  um  the  sho. 

I  wouldn't  bleeve  they  was  hur  grandsons  at  fust  as 
they  was  drest  ruthur  ornery.  I  expected,  when  I  hearn 
they  was  coming,  two  see  um  with  beaver  caps  onto 
thare  head  with  goold  l3ands  &  tawsel,  <fe  their  close  awl 
guilt  with  goold,  &  with  silver  shuse  onto  thare  feet. 
But  they  wore  common  kloth  like  the  square's  children. 

But  Mistrus  Nitingale  was  drest  butiful.  She  had  on 
a  lawn  cap  with  a  bordur  of  lace,  with  artifishawl  flours 
onto  the  top  of  hur  forrid,  &  a  vilet  silk  dress  &  stum- 
micker,  &;  hi-heeled  shuze.  The  sleeves  of  the  dress  sot 
close  till  they  come  two  the  elbows,  where  thare  was 
the  biggest  ruffles  I  ever  seen.  Down  hur  arm  was 
lawn  trimmed  with  Drisdun  lace.  The  dress  was  low^ 
into  the  neck,  but  she  wore  a  lace  hankurchur  two  hide 
hur  boozum.  Then  she  had  a  string  of  big  purls  round 
hur  neck. 

J  run  &  got  a  cheer  &  gove  it  two  Mistrus  Nitingale 
&  smoothed  down  my  apun  two  look  tidy,  bekaws  I 
node  she  was  sich  a  big  lady,  she  would  take  pertickulure 
notiss  of  my  dress,  which  arteemass  alius  sed  was  enuff 
two  sho  iny  1  that  I  was  a  akomplished  lady. 

So  wile  the  children  was  looking  at  the  sho,  Mistrus 
Nitingale  she  talks  two  me  kuite  free  2  be  shure,  «fe 
into  the  most  kornfidentialest  weigh  yu  may  depend, 
for  she  scene  thet  I  was  none  of  the  kommon  sort,  as 


HUE  BOOK   OF  GOAKS.  157 

arteemass  says,  iny  1  that  talks  with  me  can't  help  pur- 
seeving  that  I'm  a  purson  of  refinements,  <fe  I  spose 
she'd  hearn  that  I  belonged  two  the  Wimmin's  Rites  & 
awl  the  other  sosieties,  which  ef  that  don't  make  a 
feemail  risspectable  I  should  like  two  no  what  doo. 

So  says  Miss  Nitingale  two  me,  sez  she  :  "  Mrs.  Ward 
I  presume  that  yu  air  akwainted  with  Silas  Jonas's 
wife  ?" 

"  Law,  Madam,"  sez  I ;  "  it's  kuite  a  supprise  that 
yu  should  think  me  akwainted  with  that  feemail." 

"I  beg  yure  pardon,"  sez  she;  "I  had  supposed,  as 
yu  was  neer  nabors,  that  you  node  hur." 

"  No — no,  Mistrus  Nitingale,"  sez  I ;  "I  never 
assoshiates  beneeth  me.  Yu  no,  madam,  that  peple  like 
yu  &  me  can't  keep  compinny  with  sich.  Hur  hus- 
band's a  blacksmith." 

"  Very  troo — he  air  a  blacksmith,"  sez  she  ;  "  I  was 
not  aware — I  beg  your  pardon." 

"  It's  granted  kindly,"  sez  I ;'  "  I  spose  yu  forgot  that 
my  husband's  the  onur  &  pripriettur  of  this  sho,  &  that 
I  tend  the  door  &  take  awl  the  munny.  We  couldn't 
think  of  soshiating  with  a  blacksmith's  wife." 
"  Do  you  keep  a  karridge  ?"  sez  she. 
"  Only  the  1  boss  cart  that  we  moves  our  sho  into 
when  we  travels,"  sez  I ;  "  "  but  I  must  tell  arteemass 
two  get  a  karridge ;  sich  peple  as  us  aught  2  hev  that 
air." 


156  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

"  Ic  would  set  yu  orf  some,  sartingly,"  sez  she ; 
"  which  it  air  the  kustom  for  peple  into  hi  life  two  take 
an  airing  in  their  karridge  onct  into  a  wile." 

"  Now  yu  speek  my  mind  eggzackly,  Madam," 
ansurd  I;  "<fe  I'm  glad  two  heer  yu  say  so.  Peple 
like  us,  into  hi  life,  as  yu  obsarved,  autentoo  go  on  foot 
like  the  common  sort." 

Then  she  got  up  to  go  aweigh  &  I  eggspected  2  heer 
hur  giv  me  a  invite  two  call  up  at  the  house  &  take  T 
^vith  hur  in  a  nice,  soshible  weigh  awl  2  ourselves,  but 
I  spose  she  fuggot  it. 

When  arteemass  come  in,  I  tolled  him  hoo  had  ben 
thare,  &  sez  I :  "  Now,  arteemass,  lissen  two  the  wife 
of  yure  boozim.  Mistrus  Nitingale  sez  that  we  must  | 
keep  a  karridge.  She  sez  we  air  in  hi  life,  which  it  re- 
kuries  2  keep  up  our  dignitty  that  we  doo  like  others 
hoo  don't  want  2  be  lookt  uppon  as  the  com  men  sort." 

"  I  can't  afford  it,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  bekaws  why  ? 
Look  a-here,  Betsey  Jaire,  the  bosses  &  karridge  ain't 
so  much,  fust  on,  but  the  feed  of  the  bosses  &  the  pay 
of  the  driver,  Lord  alive  !  it  would  swallur  up  awl  our 
urnings,  &  whare  could  we  go  2  ?  we  don't  vissit 
noboddy  but  Cyrus  Weeks,  &  he's  going  to  move^out 
of  the  viliidge." 

"  Arteemass,"  sez  I,  &  I  gove  him  a  purcing  glance; 
"  don't  korntredict  the  wife  of  yure  boozim  ;  without 
me  yu   air  an  orfin  alone  into  this  cold  world,  &  it's 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  159 

only  myadvice,  which  it  aut  two  be  took  more  orffenur, 
that  keeps  you  out  of  diffikilty." 

"  Whare  will  we  get  the  hosses  ?"  sez  arteemass  two 
me. 

I  ansurd  <fe  sed  :  "Get  1  of  them  Cleveland  bays  of 
Bill  Smith,  <fe  another  boss  of  the  Square." 

"  The  square  '11  not  sell  nary  a  boss,"  sez  he ;  "  & 
Bill  Smith's  got  only  1  that  he'll  part  with.  I  just 
tride  that  boss  by  pinching  his  gullet,  &  be  gin  a  short 
kauf  like  be  had  the  hectic  fever." 

"  And  so  would  you,  ef  inybody  pinched  you  in  the 
gullet,"  sez  I. 

"  Yu  don't  no  notbin'  about  a  boss,"  sez  be  ;  "  which 
it  takes  a  man's  life  time  amongst  the  Varmount  boss 
jockeys,  as  I've  ben,  to  tell  a  good  boss  from  a  bad  1. 
Those  boss  tbet  the  square  bev  got  aint  worth  much 
nytber.  They've  got  puffs  on  their  legs,  &  thare  eyes 
look  as  ef  they  had  the  yallur  jandurs.  Hosses  like 
them  air  don't  live  long.  Carrots  wouldn't  make  them 
look  well,  ef  you  fed  um  on  notbin  else.  Give  me  a 
boss  that's  clear-eyed,  with  a  thin  main  &  thick  tale, 
broad  behind,  broad  breast,  small  bead,  wide  nostrils, 
round-hoofed  &  sbort-jinted,  &  then  I'll  talk  to  yu." 

"  Then  get  2  sicb  bosses  at  onct,"  sez  I. 

"  Yes,  I  will,  when  boss  ranes  down  from  the  clouds," 
sez  he  ;  "  there's  knot  a  good  boss  within  fifty  mild  of 
you,  this  blessed  minnit." 


160  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 

"  Where  there's  a  will,  there's  a  way,"  sez  I ;  "  yu 
don't  want  2  hev  a  karridge,  &  that's  the  lodgick  of 
yure  obsarvations." 

In  course  arteemass  had  2  give  in  at  larst.  I  node 
that  Mistrus  Nitingale  was  a  propperer  purson  than 
arteemass  to  juge  of  what  we  wanted,  &  she  drest  up  so 
rich  &  butiful.  Arteemass  finelly  aggreed  two  start  the 
next  morning,  &  promist  2  come  back  be4  dark  riding 
into  his  karridge. 

I  tolled  him  2  be  shure  &  get  1  hoss  white  «fe  the 
tother  black,  bekaws  I'd  alius  hearn  that  variety  was 
pleasing. 

As  soon  as  arteemass  had  cut  out,  I  couldn't  rest  into 
my  mind  till  I'd  put  on  my  black  silk.  Then  I  lookt 
at  myself  into  the  glass,  &  kornckided  that  a  string  of 
purls  would  become  me  like  a  book.  I  korncluded  two 
by  um  the  fust  oppurtunitty. 

Then  I  soddown  into  the  door  of  the  tent,  &;  scene  the 
square's  wife  go  by.  I  couldn't  help  larfing  into  my 
sleeve  when  I  thawt  how  she  would  stare  when  she  seen 
arteemass  &  me  taking  a  drive  up  to  Mistrus  Nitingale's 
&  leeving  our  card,  which  it  should  be  printed  on  pink 
paper  &  guilt  around  the  ejiz  with  goold  leave. 

I  waited  till  it  got  enermost  dark,  &  then  I  felt  riled 
bekaws  I'd  wanted  to  see  the  coach  in  broad  day-lite. 
But  I  korncluded  thet  arteemass  was  so  purtickular  about 
the  bosses  that  it  took  him  a  grate  wile  2  pick  um  out. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  161 

I  went  inside  the  tent,  &  sot  out  the  table,  &  got  my 
T  ready,  &  arfture  a  wile  it  was  pitch  dariv  <5z;  arteemass 
he  hadn't  come.  I  waited  &;  waited,  &  got  madder  & 
madder,  till  I  hearn  somebody  coming  into  the  tent. 

I  jumpt  up  like  a  jack-in-the-box  &  run  two  meet  him. 
It  was  a  strange  man,  he  seemed  2  be  a  little  in  likkur. 

"  Yure  husband  has  come  home,"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,"  sez  I ;  yu  air  the  driver,  I  kornclude  ;  "  artee- 
mass has  rid  home,  of  coarse." 

"  Why,  yes,"  sez  the  felure  ;  "you  may  well  say  that 
— he's  rid  home,  &  I  wants  haff  a  dollar  for  the  job." 

"  Very  well,"  sez  I ;  "  we'll  see  about  that  air ;  we 
may  higher  you  by  the  munth,  ef  yu  keep  steddy  &  aint 
2  saucy." 

" Saucy  or  knot,"  sez  he ;  "I  won't  leeve  the  shanty 
till  I  hev  my  munny." 

"  I'll  go  &.look  at  the  karridge  fust,"  sez  I,  &  I  intar- 
mind,  into  my  own  mind  that  this  felure  should  knot  be 
our  driver.  So  I  hurrid  2  the  door,  &  seed  a  wheel- 
barrar  with  a  man  into  it. 

"What's  that?"  sez  I. 

The  felure  in  the  wheelbarrar  tosted  up  his  arms  & 
becun  to  sin<z : 


'& 


"  "We  won't  go  home  till  morning 
Till  daylight  doth  appear." 

Then  I  thawt  the  voyce  sounded  like  the  voyce  of 


IQ2  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

arteemass,  though  it  was  very  thick,  with  hikkups  In 
betwixt  the  words. 

The  man  come  out  of  the  tent,  &  I  arsked  him  what 
that  wheelbarrar  was  there  for. 

"  Well,  old  woman,"  sez  he  ;  "  ef  yu  don't  want  yuro 
husband,  I'll  wheel  him  back  again." 

"  Wheel  my  husband !"  sez  I. 


he's  got  about  9  inches  of  corn  whiskey  into  him- 
"  But  whare's  the  coach,  &  the  bosses  1"  sez  T. 


The  felure  larfed  into  my  face,  &  sez  he :  "  I've  scene 
know  coach  &  bosses,  only  yure  husband  was  up  at  the 
Hit  or  Miss  Tavurn  blowing  about  bosses,  &  drinking 
with  everybody  till  he  begun  2  make  love  2  the  land- 
lord's wife,  &  then  old  Pete  brought  out  this  wheelbar- 
rar tfe  put  him  into  it,  &  arsked  hoo  would  wheel  him 
home,  as  he  shode  a  dispersition  2  lay  down  onto  the 
floor.  So  I  hev  fotched  him  home  for  you,  «fe  I  reckon 
the  job  2  the  valley  of  about  haffa  dollar." 

I  pulled  out  the  munny  &  pade  the  felure,  &  tolled 
him  2  make  hisself  skurce.  He  sed  he  must  have  the 
wheelbarrar.  So,  we  got  arteemass  out,  &  he  fell  rite 
down  be4  the  tent,  as  drunk  as  Satan. 

As  soon  as  the  felure  went  orf  with  the  wheelbarrar, 
I  throde  a  pale  of  water  over  arteemass,  &  he  come  to 
his  senses  enuff  2  cuss  &;  sware,  which  it  was  enkur- 
ridging  under  the  circumstances.     So  he  was  abel  2  get 


IIUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  1(53 

urf  to  bed.  But  the  nixt  morning,  somebody  had  2 
lissen  2  a  little  wholesome  advice  about  going  for  2  by 
a  c oach  &;  coining  home  into  a  wheelbarrar. 

Whenever  arteemass  air  obstropolus  I  can  bring  him 
2  his  senses  by  jist  lifting  my  finggur  &  sayne : 

"  Wheelbarrar !" 


164  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 


CAUSE  FOR  JEALOUSY. 

I  SUPPOSE  it  air  knot  jenurly  known  which  it  ought 
two  be,  though  peple's  minds  hev  been  so  mutch  took 
up  by  the  war  that  they  could  not  attend  two  it,  that 
my  arteemass  was  alius  a  grate  favoryte  of  the  fare 
seek. 

But  arfture  the  nupshell  not  was  tyd,  it  w^as  hiz 
dooty  two  adjure  every  feemail  except  the  wife  of  his 
boozim,  for  when  they  air  united  into  the  bonds  of 
matrimony  they  air  one  twain. 

But  arteemass  has  alius  been  in  danger  of  being  led 
away,  like  King  Solomon,  which  the  pote  sez : 

"  The  wisest  man  that  ever  lived 
Most  dcerly  loved  the  la^isos  O." 

There  was  a  feemail  into  our  parts  named  Susannah 
Loines.  She  had  red  hare,  bloo  eyes,  a  fare  skin  like 
snow,  and  a  few  freckles  onto  her  knows,  red  lips,  good 
teeth,  <fe  good  shape.  She  Wi^s  about  my  haithe  but 
wasn't  quite  so  potty,  as  I'm  what  they  call  embone- 
pint. 


•  HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  •    165 

When  we  were  fast  marrid,  arteeraass  could  put  his 
arms  clean  around  me,  &  he  used  2  doo  it  very  orfan, 
but  now  he  sez  he  nose  he  couldn't  doo  it  ef  he  tried,  & 
so  he  never  tries. 

But  Susannah  Loines  air  more  slim  like,  around  the 
waist,  though  she  buljiz  out  above  &  below  it. 

The  fust  I  node  of  hur  notion  arfture  arteemass  was 
1  rainy  day  when  he  was  coming  from  the  store  with  a 
mouse-trap  &  a  quart  of  molasses.  He  had  a  cotton 
umberrill  &  it  was  spread  two  keep  off  the  Rain. 

What  should  Susannah  doo  but  run  rite  under  hiz 
umberrill,  &  say  :  "  I  beg  yure  pardon  Mr.  Ward,  but 
I'm  so  afeerd  of  getting  wet,  the  dipthoarry  is  about  so 
much." 

Then  arteemass  ansurd,  &  sed  :  "  yu're  as  welcome  as 
flours  in  May,  my  little  duck.     I'm  glad  yu  called." 

Then  sez  she :  "  Now,  Mr.  Ward,  none  of  yure  non- 
cents.  I'm  know  flour,  &  I  didn't  expekt  an  old  man 
like  yu,  that's  got  a  wife  &  a  pare  of  twins,  two  speek 
so  on  becoming." 

"  It  can't  doo  any  harm,"   sez  arteemass. 

Then  she  sithed,  &  sez  she :  "  yu  don't  no  what  harm 
it  may  doo,  friend  Ward — ef  yu  will  allow  me  to  call 
yu  so — for  the  fare  seek  air  more  sissiptible  than  yu 
think,  &  ef  yu  should  inspyer  a  tendur  feeling  into  my 
busting  hart,  hoo  would  be  2  blame  then  ?" 

Then  artoemass  scene  that  he  had  put  his  foot  in  it,  <fc 


166    •  BETSEY  JANE  WARD  • 

that  she  loved  hirn  like  a  book.  He  didn't  no  what 
was  best  to  doo,  whether  to  except  of  hur  love,  or  2 
sho  hur  that  he  was  troo  two  hur  that  he  had  took  2  his 
hart,  into  the  bloom  of  his  youth. 

At  hirst  the  evil  spcrrit  purvaled,  &;  he  sez  :  "  My 
dear  Miss  Loines,  yu  no  that  I  must  keep  up  my 
creddit,  as  I  am  a  publick  karaktur,  &  hev  a  sho,  & 
allso  a  wife  hoo  air  an  onor  two  hooman  nachoor,  & 
thare4  1  must  bid  yu  good  by  for  the  present ;  but  cf 
yu'll  appint  a  place  whare  we  can  meet,  onto  Sunday 
evening,  I'll  be  thare'  onto  the  wings  of  love,  as  the 
pote  sez." 

So  she  told  him  to  come  to  the  back  door  of  hur 
sister's  house,  whare  she  lives  for  the  pressent,  at  9 
okklock  a  Sunday  evening. 

Arteemass  kept  the  afTare  awl  two  hisself  till  the 
time  come  ,  &  I  wondurd  what  he  was  Greecing  up  his 
boots  &;  putting  on  hiz  best  ruffle  shurt  for.  He  cut 
out  at  y  okklock,  &  went  two  the  place. 

It  was  awl  dark  thare,  <fe  know  sign  of  any  lites 
■whatsomever.  At  larst,  the  windur  opened  over  head, 
&  a  voyce  sed  :  "  Is  that  yu,  my  deer  love  ?" 

"Yes,  it's  me,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  open  unto  me,  my 
love." 

"  Yes — pressently — wait  a  minnit,  deer,"  sed  the 
voyce  of  Susannah. 

So  he  waited  a  minnit,  &  then  thare  come  out  of  the 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  lf,7 

vvindur  about  2  galleons  of  cold  water,  &  it  lit  onto 
arteemass's  head  &  run  down  the  back  of  hiz  neck. 
At  fust,  he  thawt  he  was  skolt  with  biling  water,  but  at 
larst  he  korncludcd  it  was  cold. 

Then  the  windur  was  slammed  down  like  fury,  &;  awl 
was  still  agin. 

Arteemass  thawt  it  was  a  broad  hint  thet  hiz  com- 
pinny  wasn't  wanted,  &  he  bleeved  it  would  be  a  waste 
of  preshus  time  2»stop  thare  iny  longer.  So  he  cut  out 
for  home,  with  his  noo  close  in  sich  a  pickle  thet  I 
thawt  he'd  jined  the  meeting  house  &  been  baptised  : 
but  I  hearn  the  whole  story  afture wards  from  Su- 
sannah's sister. 

The  cornduct  of  Susannah  is  very  onakkountable, 
seeing  she  as  good  as  tolled  him  she  loved  him  when 
they  was  under  the  umberrill  together.  Thare  can't  be 
know  dowt  she  loves  him,  for  awl  the  wimmin  air 
arfture  arteemass  into  the  same  weigh. 


108  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 


HOSPITALITY. 

It  is  rarely  seldom  that  arteemass  &  me  gets  ketched 
without  niunny  into  our  pockets ;  but  we  took  a  ride 
into  the  kuntry  onet,  into  the  munth  of  August,  & 
thare  come  on  a  thunder  shour  that  hindered  us  from 
traveliu  a  long  time,  the  road  being  awl  mush;  &  the 
shour  lasting  2  days. 

On  the  weigh  home  we  got  very  pekish,  tile  we  come 
2  an  old  house  thet  was  okkipied  by  a  7th  kuzzin  of 
arteemass.  He  hadn't  scene  him  into  18  veer  & 
skurcely  node  him  by  sight  when  he  did  see  him. 

Sez  arteemass  :  "  Betsey  Jane,  we  need  something 
to  ete,  as  our  interval  air  raving  like  a  lyon  for  food. 
Hard  by,  resides  my  kindred,  7  times  reemoovci]. 
Wc  will  stop  at  his  house;  I  will  reemind  him  of  tho 
sacred  ties  of  effeckshun  vvharewith  we  are  bound,  &:  it 
is  opportoonly  about  the  very  our  for  dinner.  Ho 
will  nachoorally  arsk  us  to  partake  with  him,  &  our 
hungur  will  be  appeezd.  Of  course,  he  needn't  no  that 
we  only  called  2  get  something  2  cte;  thet  air  our 
secret." 


Outside  of  the  Grate  T\'ax  Figger  Show. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  j^q 

He  nocked  onto  the  door,  <fc  a  red-heded  female 
opened  it  at  onct. 

"  Her  father's  eyes  !  those  hare  !  the  mouth — the 
chin.  I  should  hev  none  the  fammily  rezemblunz  into 
the  darkest  nite,"  ecsklamed  arteemass ;  "come  2  my 
arms  my  child,  and  embrace  yure  uffekshunate  relative! 
How's  yure  father,  child  1" 

"  My  father  !  Och,  faith,  I  wish  you  would  tell  me 
thet  same,"  sez  she ;  "  the  last  time  I  seed  him  he  was 
in  County  Tipperary  in  ould  Ireland.  What's  your 
pleasure  with  him,  sir  ?" 

"  Can  I  see  the  master  of  this  house  ?"  sez  artee- 
mass, with  the  dignity  which  becomes  1  two  address  a 
meenyal. 

A  tall  man  come  to  the  dooi*.  &  stared  at  I  &  artee- 
mass as  ef  we  was  prizziners  into  the  dock  waiting  for 
the  centense  of  the  court. 

"  Kuzzin  Rufus,"  cride  arteemass,  ceasing  his  hand  ; 
"doo  I  see  you  onct  more — but  my  feelinks — my  fe.el- 
iaks  onto  this  effecting  occasion." 

Arteemass  put  his  hand  onto  his  stummick  when  he 
spoke  of  his  feelinks.  My  feelinks  awl  lade  into  that 
direction  two,  &  I  was  glad  to  cent  the  roasted  beef 
when  the  door  opened. 

Rufus  looked  more  rekonsiled  when  he  hearn  that 

arteemass  was  his  kuzzin,  &  arsked  us  to  walk  in. 

When  we  entered  the  rheum,  we  found  the  wimmin 
8 


170  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

fokes  putting  the  bread  &  salt  &  mustard  onto  the 
table. 

We  took  cheers  and  soddowii  be4  the  fire,  &  was 
silent  for  2  minutes. 

Then  Rufus  sez:  "You've  rather  got  the  advan- 
tidge  of  me,  Kuzzin  — a — a — a " 

"  Arteemass  Ward,"  sed  arteemass,  2  help  him  out, 
as  his  memory  seemed  2  be  oblivioyus. 

"Ah  ! — yes ! — Ward,"  scz  he,  &  he  kept  a  studdying 
over  the  name. 

"  Yu  haint  fuggot  us,  I  hope,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  for 
the  cords  of  natchooral  affection  they  air  the  only  tyes 
that  bind  us  2  this  world,  which  it  air  our  dooty  2  re- 
member them " 

"  Yu  say  yure  name  is  Ward ;"  sez  Rufus ;  "  my 
name  is  Crane ;  what  branch  of  the  family  do  you  be- 
long 21" 

"  Iny  branch  you  plees,"  sez  ai'teemaas  ;  "  cents  we 
awl  belong  2  1  tree,  it  makes  know  odds  about  the 
branches.  We  was  going  by  yure  house,  &  I  felt  my 
bowels  yurn  tords  it,  knowing  that  I  had  a  kuzzen  into 
the  bilding,  <fe  I  thunk  two  myself,  &  sez  I  to  Betsey 
Jane :  "  He'll  never  furgiv  me,  into  this  world,  if  I  go 
by  without  giving  him  a  kawl ;  it's  so  unnachooral  like 
2  slite  one's  oan  kin,  whilst  this  hart  beets  in  this 
boozom  I  can't  think  of  iny  sich  a  thing." 

"Very  kind  of  yu,  Kuzzin,"  sez   Rufus,  staring  at 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  171 

his  wife,  hoo  had  arsked  2  take  my  bunnit  &  shawl ; 
"  I  dare  say  it's  awl  rite,  Mr.  Ward — I  bleevc  that's 
the  name — tliough  I  never  hearn  of  you  be4." 

By  that  time  the  table  was  sot.  A  butiful  pease  of 
roasted  Jjeef,  meely  putators,  mashed  turnips  &  gravy, 
&  a  big  pitcher  of  syder  were  onto  the  horspitible 
board,  «fe  arteemass  kept  1  eye  onto  the  table  whilst  he 
looked  at  Kuzzin  Rufus  with  the  other. 

''  Yu're  travelin',  I  take  it,"  sez  Rufus. 

"  Yes,  Kuzzin,  we've  been  taking  a  little  tower,  but 
had  no  idea  of  the  happiness  of  seeing  ray  long-losfc 
kinsman  when  we  sot  out  from  home." 

"  Live  fur  orf?" 

"  Into  Baldinsville,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Let's  see — that's  away  orf  hear,"  sez  Rufus,  pinting 
with  his  arm 

♦^  Yes." 

"  Well,  what  ye  doing  on  so  fur  orf  from  home  ?" 

"  Taking  a  tower,"  sed  arteemass ;  "  arfture  the  fat 
leagues  of  bizness,  2  rikkooperate  the  sistum,  &  enjoy 
the  silloobrus  air  of  the  kuntry." 

"  Ya — a — as,"  sez  Rufus. 

His  wife  had  kept  nodding  hur  head  2  him  &  looking 
tords  the  table  awl  this  time,  but  he  didn't  take  the  hint. 
Then  she  whispered  2  him,  &  he  looked  tords  us.  At 
last  he  riz  up  &  sez : 


172  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

*'  Well,  kuzzins,  cents  yu're  hear,  yu'll  take  a  bite 
with  us,  I  kornclude ;  yu'll  be  wellcome." 

Arteemass  jurkecl  his  head  around,  &  stared  at  the 
table  as  of  he  haddend  none  thare  was  iny  vittles  within 
a  mile  of  liim,  he'd  been  so  overpowered  with  happiness 
in  meeting  his  deer  kinsman. 

"I — I — don't  no,"  sez  arteemas?,  looking  at  me; 
"yure  going  2  dinner  it  seems.  Well,  on  my  word,  I'd 
no  idee  it  was  so  late  as  that.  Seddown,  kuzzin,  & 
don't  make  iny  seremunny  about  our  being  hear." 

"  But  I  arsked  yu  &  yure  wife  2  come  &  take  a  bite 
with  us,"  sez  Rufus.     "  You  shall  be  welcome." 

"  Thet,  indeed,"  ansurd  arteemass ;  "  I  haddend  thawt 
of  that." 

"  No,"  sez  I ;  **  we  diddend  come  in  for  that.  It  w^as 
the  larst  thing  we'd  hev  thought  of." 

"  Yes,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  the  idee  of  dinnur  was  the 
larst  thing  we  thawt  of." 

So  w^e  soddown,  &  arteemass  went  into  the  beef  & 
puttators  as  ef  he  was  eggspecting  never  2  get  anuther 
meel  onto  the  erth. 

"  I  admire  those  turnip,"  sed  arteemass,  taking 
another  spoon-full  onto  hiz  plate ;  "  I  never  seen  this 
kind  be4." 

"Yu'll  be  a  purty  good  juge  of  the  article  when  yu 
jce  it  agin,  I'm  a  thinking,"  sez  Rufus. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  |73 

Me  &  arteemass  thawt  eteing  was  more  profitable 
than  tawking,  &  we  sed  no  more,  but  ete  awl  we 
wanted,  &  soon  arftureward,  we  got  up  two  go. 

Arfture  vve  had  got  into  the  wagging,  &  arteemass 
had  gathurd  up  the  reigns  in  his  hand  for  a  start,  Rufus 
poked  hiz  head  out  the  windur,  &  sung  out: 

"  I  say,  kuzzin,  won't  yu  take  a  qwarter  of  beef,  a  few 
loafs  of  bread,  &  a  platter  of  turnip  into  yure  cart  be4 
yu  start,  for  fear  yu  should  be  hungry  be4  yu  get 
home  ?" 

"  Sartainly,  ef  I  shall  be  wellcome,"  ansurd  artee- 
mass, whipping  up  his  hoss. 

"  Betsey  Jane,"  sez  arteemass,  arfture  we'd  got  fiiirly 
on  the  road  ;  "  yu  see  the  nachur  of  mankind  air  2  lye. 
We  lyed  when  we  sed  we  diddend  call  in  for  dinner,  & 
Rufus  lyed  when  he  sed  we  was  wellcome;  for  you  seen 
they  kept  dinner  waiting  till  it  was  enormost  cold,  in 
the  hopes  that  we  would  cut  out  be4  they  soddown  2 
table." 

"  He  lyed,  &:  we  lyed,  &  so  the  akkowntair  purfeckly 
square,  &  nary  1  of  us  hev  inything  2  complane  of." 

Then  I  seen  that  arteemass  were  a  filosofer,  but  he 
larnt  awl  he  node  from  me,  Betsey  Jane  Ward,  the  wife 
of  his  boozim. 


;74  BETSEY  JANE  WAKD 


FREE  SUFFEAGE. 

Them  as  thinks  the  intelligent,  inlightningd  ladys  of 
amerrik/  air  unqualifide  two  go  two  the  poles  <fe  vote, 
shoze  th?ir  own  lack  of  gumption. 

When  the  Irish,  which  they  air  pagans  <fc  worship 
imidges  that  aught  two  be  puddown  by  law,  when  these 
irishurs  can  come  over  hear  <fe  vote,  it's  a  burnin  shame 
that  eddikayted,  varchus,  reding,  riting,  sighforinn, 
skating  ladys  of  the  pressent  jenurashun  should  be  put 
inn  with  iddyaughts,  fellyuns,  &  dikkrippit  pursons. 

I  had  some  thawts  of  righting  a  serious  of  peaces 
onto  the  sul)ject  two  put  it  into  the  Home  jurnile,  or 
Harpur's  Weakly,  or  praps  the  Leger,  as  Edwad 
Everitt  rights  for  that  paper. 

As  feemails  hev  the  bringing  up  &  tooturing  of  the 
infunt  mind  which  the  pote  sez :  "  Just  as  the  tree  gros 
the  twigs  will  bend,"  tharc4  it  is  very  stranje  ef  they 
aint  fit  for  2  govern  the  kuntry  arfture  the  kuntry  air 
grode  up. 

Minny  a  grate  man  would  hev  been  a  noodle  but  for 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  175 

the  judishus  spankings  thet  he  receeved  from  the  mater- 
nal hand,  whilst  their  boxing  of  thare  ears  hardend  their 
heads,  which  they  mite  otherwise  hev  been  soft. 

Them  that  has  red  the  feemail  leckchure,  of  the  pres- 
sent  .day  air  kornvinced  that  they  air  sooperior  2  iny- 
thing  thet  hev  been  rit^by  the  other  seek. 

Saint  Paul  sez  thet  "  Man  is  the  head  of  the  woman  ;" 
but  he  ment  it  into  a  purticular  cents,  like,  as  it  ware,  a 
river.  Everybody  nose  thet  the  head  of  a  river  is  the 
shallowed  part  of  it.  It  is  into  that  cents  that  the  man 
air  the  head  of  the  woman,  which  arteemass  air  a  knoti- 
ble  example,  hoo  air  like  a  helpless  orfin  when  away 
from  his  better  haff. 

The  woman  et  the  forbidden  frute  be4  man  et  it, 
which  it  shoze  thet  she's  ahead  of  him  at  the  start,  <fe 
she's  been  ahead  of  him  ever  cents. 

I  think,  ef  the  truth  was  none,  that  Homer  &  Virgil 
was  both  feemails,  &  Shakspear  2 ;  but  the  men,  which 
hev  everything  their  own.  weigh,  purtend  it  was  their 
own  seek. 

Our  sosiety  hev  an  idee  of  putting  up  poles  of  our 
own  whare  nobody  shall  Vote  except  the  fare  seek. 


17G  BETSEY   JANE   WAliD 


THE  TRAVELLING  SHOW. 

1  Yeer  arteemass  &  me  went  around  with  our  sho  of 
wax  figgurs  &  beastesses,  into  a  gi^ate  minny  diffurunt 
towns  till  we  come  2  Cape  Cod,  &  arfture  we  had  finish- 
ed there,  we  was  tolled  that  we  could  make  a  grate  deel 
of  munny  by  going  2  Marthaz  Vinyard  &  Nantuckit, 
which  they  air  2  ilans  sittuated  into  the  water. 

Arteemass  got  the  capting  of  a  bote  calld  a  skoonur 
two  take  awl  his  things  into  it,  <fe  we  rid  down  two 
Marthaz  Vinyard  two  a  place  calld  Edgartown  whare 
we  shcde  the  sho  two  awl  the  peple ;  &  then  we  went 
two  the  other  ilan,  which  it  air  calld  Nantuckit. 

We  saled  around  a  peace  of  land  calld  Bran  Pint  that 
runs  out  into  the  water  &  has  got  a  steeple  onto  it,  but 
know  church  under  it.  The  steeple  stans  rite  onto  the 
sand  awl  alone  by  itself.  We  went  up  two  a  place 
calld  Long  Warf,  &  tyed  up  the  bote  two  a  big  post.  . 

Awl  the  peple  come  running  down  two  see  arteemass 
&  some  were  on  little  hoss-karts  that  went  slam-slam- 
slam. 


HUE  BOOK  0:B    GOAKS.  177 

When  we  got  orf  the  bote  &  stood  onto  the  world 
onct  more,  the  sand  came  into  our  shuze.  We  walked 
along  the  rode  a  peace  &  soon  got  tired,  for  our  feet 
sunk  into  the  sand  so  bad  that  it  was  like  wading  into 
the  water. 

Then  a  old  man  calld  Starbuck  come  along  with  hiz 
hoss-kart  &  took  us  in,  &  away  went  the  kart,  slam- 
slam-slam,  up  the  rode  into  the  town.  We  boarded 
into  a  house  kep  by  Miss  Flussy,  hoo  air  a  very  fine 
woman,  only  she  takes  snufF  awl  the  time,  &  says  thee 
whenever  she  speaks  two  you. 

Awl  the  rest  of  the  feemails  was  named  Eunia  except 
Rebecca  Bunker,  hoo,  they  say,  kep  skool  into  the  Free- 
mason loge  a  long  time  aggo. 

We  put  up  our  tent  into  a  street  that  was  called 
Eunice  Mitchell  street,  &  was  named  arfture  a  rich  lady 
that  lived  onto  the  island  a  grate  minny  yeers  aggo  k 
owned  the  ship  Maro,  which  was  named  arfture  a  grate 
pote  by  hur  dawtur  Liddy  what  marrid  a  man  named 
Greene. 

The  peple  begun  two  come  two  the  sho,  but  we 
couldn't  understand  much  that  they  sed.  1  lady  tolled 
us  the  kangaroo  had  brought  hisself  two  an  ankur  & 
wanted  us  two  gaily  him.  Another  lady  sed  we  must 
excuse  hur  rigging  which  was  a  little  out  of  order  as 
she  had  been  ketched  in  a  squal.  Another  1  sed  it  was 
2  hot  into  our  tent  &  she  must  go  out  k  blow 
8* 


178  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

When  arteemass  &  me  was  going  down  a  place  calld 
Weskot  Hill,  we  hearn  somebody  behind  us  sing  out : 
"  rieeve  two  !  back  yure  main-top-sail,  and  let  us  range 
up  alongside  of  you." 

We  looked  around  <k  seed  2  wimmin  hurrying  up 
two  us  as  ef  they  hadn't  a  minnit  to  live. 

"  Hullo  !"  sez  they ;  "  we've  been  trying  2  overhavvl 
yu  this  2  ours.  Why  didn't  yu  luff  up  &  shake  yure 
sales,  or  drop  yure  anchor  under  foot." 

Arteemass  thawt  they  wanted  2  see  the  wax  figgurs, 
&  he  sed  "  Fifteen  scents — children  haff  price." 

"  We  want  yu  2  gam  with  us,"  sez  one  of  the  ladys. 

"What's  thet?"  sez  arteemass,  hoo  begun  2  think 
they  was  arsking  for  a  treat. 

"  Yu  fuggit  these  fokes  air  off  ilund,  &  don't  no  not- 
ting,"  sez  the  other  lady  2  hur  friend.  Then  she  sez 
2  me  :  "  Tell  yure  husband  thet  we  want  2  take  yu  into 
our  mess  to-day  ;  you'll  ete  some  grub  with  us,  won't 
you.  Dinner  reddy  at  two  okklock.  Call  up  in  !Meet- 
ing  House  street  &  enkwire  for  Eunice  Cartrite's  house, 
next  two  Obed  Macey's  store." 

"  Thank  yu  kindly,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  we'll  sartainly 
come,  <fe  we'll  reesiperkate  yure  horseputallity  by  let- 
ting you  see  the  wax  figgurs  &  beastesses  for  10  scents 
betwixt  you,  awl  clear  gain." 

They  smiled  like  2  clams  opening  their  shells  at  hi 
watur. 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  179 

We  hurrid  back  2  the  tent.  I  put  on  my  black  silk, 
&  arteemass  he  drest  up  into  his  best,  &  we  sot  out  2 
find  the  place. 

Arfture  enk wiring  of  2  peple,  we  found  the  house. 
It  was  painted  tea  green  with  a  red  door.  The  two 
wimmin  was  thare,  &  3  men.  1  of  um  was  a  tall  dark- 
looking  yung  man  with  a  white  cane  that  was  maid  of 
a  whale's  gawbone,  the  other  two  had  whale's  teeth 
into  thare  pockits,  &  black  neck-hankurchurs  which  the 
cends  was  held  togethur  by  rings  made  of  whale's 
gaw- bones. 

They  had  on  long  boots  which  they  sed  was  Cape 
Horn  boots,  <fe  about  everything  we  seed  there  come 
from  round  Cape  Horn. 

Arteemass  was  introdoosd  two  the  3  jentlemen  ;  they 
shook  bans  with  him  &  arsked  him  ef  he  had  ever 
struck  a  whale. 

Arteemass  sed  he  never  had  thet  plezure  but  he  had 
been  upsot  into  a  bote  &  Betsey  Jane  [that  air  me]  2. 

Arteemass  pulled  out  hiz  hankurchur  &  wiped  hiz 
hand  with  it,  as  hiz  hand  felt  Greecy  arfture  having 
shook  bans  with  the  men  ;  he  thawt  thare  was  a  smell  of 
lamp  ile  onto  his  hand  for  a  hole  weak  arfturewards. 

They  arsked  arteemass  ef  he  had  ever  been  round 
Cape  Horn.  Arteemass  ansurd  <fe  sed  no,  but  he'd 
been  two  noo  Orleens,  &  put  up  his  tent  on  the  cornur 
of  Maggazine  &  Canal  street  into  the  open  lot  whare  3 


180  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

stores  was  burnt  down ;  &  aftur wards  in  a  place  iu 
Poydras  street  whare  2  stores  had  been  burnt  up ;  & 
awl  the  big  fokes  from  Carondelet  &  Prytaina  street,  & 
Coliseum  Place,  &  Colonel  Baxter's  corner  come  2  see 
the  wax  figgurs,  &  sed  they  air  so  natteral  that  ef  they 
only  winked  <fe  walked  about,  they  would  think  they 
was  alive. 

Then  the  black-looking  yung  man  with  the  whale- 
bone cain  sed  thet  wax  figgurs  w^as  nothing  2  a  Sperm 
w^hale  which  he  was  biggur  than  awl  of  um  put  togeth- 
ur,  &  then  he  arsked  arteemass  ef  he  had  ever 
harpoond  a  poppus. 
Arteemass  sed  "  No." 

Then  he  arsked  him  ef  he  had  ever  ketched  a  shirk 
with  a  crooked  spike  betted  with  a  junk  of  pork. 
"  Arteemass  sed   "  No." 

"Thunder  &  litening  !"  sez  the  yung  felure;  "  whare 
did  yu  come  from  ?  I  spose  yu  never  ketched  a  skip- 
jack nor  a  goney  1" 

Arteemass  tolled  him  he  never  had  thet  onor ;  he 
sposed  that  a  skipjack  was  some  kind  of  codfish,  but  as 
for  goney,  he  didn't  no  whet  those  air. 

The  yung  man  moved  his  cheer  furthur  orf  from 
Arteemass,  the  other  2  men  shook  their  heads,  &  the  2 
ladys  sithed  &  turned  up  the  whites  of  thare  eyes. 

Then  sez  1  of  the  other  men  *  ''  I  spose  y\\  no  Mister 
Sm.ith,  don't  ve  ?" 


nUK  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  181 

''  Which  1  1"  sez  Arteemass. 

"  Why,  the  1  thet  lives  orf  ilund,  two  be  shure;  yu 
come  from  orf  the  ilund,  diddend  ye?" 

"  Yes,  from  the  mane  land,"  sez  Arteemass. 

"  Well,  then,"  sez  the  man ;  "^Mr.  Smith  lives  orf 
ilund,  two ;  &  so  yu  no  him,  I  dare  say." 

"  What  does  he  follow,"  sez  Arteemass. 

"  He  follows  his  knows,  ef  he's  got  1,"  sez  the  man  ; 
"  &  he's  a  sea-faring  man,  of  coarse.  He's  met  of  a 
ship,  &  come  in  over  the  bows ;  he  didn't  krawl  in  at 
the  starn  windurs." 

"  He's  very  rite,"  sez  Arteemass  ;  "  I  never  seen  a 
felure  krawling  in  at  a  windur  but  I  alius  took  him  for 
a  thief." 

Then  the  yung  man  sez  :  "  I  spose  yu  no  Mrs.  Raw- 
son  that  keeps  a  boarding-house  for  sea-faring  men  in 
Noo  Bedford." 

"  No,"  sez  arteemass. 

"Flukes  &  fins!"  hollurs  out  the  yung  felure; 
"  whare  hev  yu  lived  awl  yure  born  days  1  You 
belong  orf  the  ilund,  don't  ye  f 

"  Sartainly — bet  I  do,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Well,  so  does  Mrs.  Rawson,"  sez  the  yung  felure ; 
"  there's  knot  a  boy  into  Nantuckit  that  hi  (&  he  held 
his  hand  about  4  foot  from  the  floor)  but  whet  nose 
Mrs.  Rawson.  Why,  she  used  2  be  Sally  Swaia  & 
lived  up  by  the  windmills." 


182  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

"  Very  likely,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  come  to  reflcck 
onto  it,  it's  1  of  the  most  likelyest  things  into  \\\e 
world;  though  I  hevn't  scene  know  windmills  sense  I've 
been  onto  the  ilund." 

"What  doo  yu  hev  eyes  for?"  sez  1  of  the  other 
men  ;  "  knot  seen  our  windmills  !  why  every  skoolboy 
knows  them  air." 

The  wimmin  arsked  us  into  the  other  rheum,  whare 
dinner  was  put  upon  the  table. 

We  sot  down  with  the  remarkablest  apetight  we 
ever  node. 

There  was  3  coarses  2  the  dinner. 

The  fust  coarse  was  whale-scraps  &  salt,  which  it  was 
like  sole  leather  dipt  in  lamp  ile,  leastwise  arteemass  & 
me  diddend  parse  up  our  plate  for  a  seckond  cut. 

The  2nd  coarse  was  something  white  with  a  black 
skin,  in  skware  junks.  They  tolled  us  it  air  sword- 
fishes,  tho  we  diddend  see  know  sword. 

The  3rd  coarse  was  poppusses  fins  &  tales,  a  sort  of 
sticky  stuff,  but  arteemass  worrid  a  little  of  it  down. 

For  drink,  we  had  muUassus  &  water.  They  called 
it  switchell,  «fc  gin  it  2  us  in  tin  pots  thet  holt  about  a 
kwart  apeace. 

Arfture  the  dinner  was  over,  the  3  men  took  out 
short,  black  pipes,  &  begun  to  smoke  till  the  rheum 
was  so  dark  with  tobakkur  smoke  thet  arteemass  &;  me 
couldn't  see  1  anuther. 


HUIi  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  133 

But,  onct  into  a  wile,  a  voyce  would  come  out  of  the 
smoke  &  say  something,  &  arteemass  &  me  couldn't 
tell  hoo  it  belonged  two. 

At  larst,  I  felt  arteemass's  hand  onto  my  head,  &  he 
wispurd  into  my  year  :  "  Betsey  Jane,  piclv  up  yure 
bonnit,  &  we'll  make  our  eskape  into  the  smoke,  &;  be 
gone  be4  they  no  it." 

So,  he  reeched  me  my  bunnit,  &  we  opent  the  door 
softly,  &  run  out  into  the  street. 

We  never  excepted  a  invite  arfture  thet,  &  we  got 
orf  the  ilund  as  kwick  as  an  induljint  providunz  would 
let  us. 


184  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 


THE  ITINERANT  LECTURER. 

It  was  1  hot  day  into  the  Dog  days  in  August,  when 
our  sosiety  was  called  toggethur  on  importunate  biz- 
ness. 

When  I  got  2  the  meeting,  I  found  a  grate  krowd  of 
the  fare  seek  koangregated  into  the  house.  There  was 
mourn  a  duzzen  feemails  from  Smootsvill. 

I'm  not  much  of  a  cornysewer  in  men's  looks,  but 
when  I  seen  at  the  desk,  sitting  by  the  sighed  of  our 
Presidentess,  a  tawl  jentleman  with  long  strait  locks 
falling  down  behind,  &  onto  each  sighed  of  his  face,  I 
knowed  he  was  one  of  the  chosen  foo  which  air  sent 
with  a  aggressive  mission,  2  rijinerrate  awl  mankind,  & 
espcshelly  by  mixing  the  white  &  black  blood  together, 
which  it  makes  a  butiful  mahogony  culleur. 

This  jentleman  had  a  long,  thin  iiice "  sikkled  oar 
with  the  paile  caste  of  thawt,"  with  the  exception  that 
the  eend  of  his  knows  were  of  a  bright  red,  which  it 
tippified  that  he  was  chose  for  a  bacon-lite  2  the  na- 
tions. 

The  Presidentess  riz  up  with  grate  dignitty,  &;  ses 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  185 

she:  ''Ladies  of  the  Wimmin's  Rites,  this  yere  pur- 
sonnage,  unto  my  left,  air  Mister  Rojer  Peiifold,  the 
grate  Misshunerry  in  the  caws  of  Truth  &  Virtoo  in 
jineral.  He  air  come  to  adress  us  &  giv  us  a  short  ak- 
kount  of  his  labors.  He  will  cawl  a  meeting,  &  yu 
air  awl  expected  2  giv  notiss  of  it  2  the  inhabitanz  of 
Baldinsville,  that  every  1  may  attend.     For  my  part, 

1  am  thankful  thet  I  have  lived  2  see  hiz  day — the  day 
of  this  grate  apossle  2  the  Gentiles." 

Then  Mr.  Rojer  Penfold  riz  up  &  maid  a  bow  to  the 
ladies,  &  sot  down  agiij. 

So  we  awl  departed  that  we  might  gin  notiss.  I  run 
&  tolled  the  square  &  hiz  fammily,  &  they  said  they'd 
Siwl  be  there.  The  square's  wife  thawt  taking  the  air 
would  be  good  for  hur  helth,  &  the  square's  dawter, 
Prissilla  ann,  had  just  got  a  noo  bunnit  from  the  sitty, 
which  she  wanted  to  sho,  &  so  they  would  awl  come. 

The  grate  speech  was  appinted  for  the  next  Wensdy 
arftur-noon. 

Now,  I've  got  2  tell  a  thing  that  happent  be4  the 
time  arrived  for  the  meeting,  &  kornsequentially  it  was 
be4  Wensdy. 

At  the  tavyun  where  the  grate  apossle  got  his  vittle, 
there  was  five  or  six  of  the  baser  sort  from  up  kuntry 
which  they  got  their  vittles  there  2,  &  the  apossle  tride 

2  instruct  them  into  their  dooties^  &  he  thawt  it  inkum- 
bient  onto  him  2  watch  um  &  see  where  .they  went,  & 


186  BETSEY  JANE   WAED 

what  they  did,  &  2  lissen  at  the  Kee-hole  of  their  room, 
so  that  ef  he  could  detect  them  in  saying  anything  dis- 
loyal, or  doing  iny thing  korntrary  2  law  he  could  hev 
them  arrested  &  punisht.  That  was  akkording  to  his 
afyf]jressive  mission. 

But  they  ketched  him  lissening  at  their  Kee-hole  1 
evening,  &,  they  cotch  him  by  the  collar  <fc  shook  him 
into  the  extrornaryest  manner.  He  thawt  he  was 
going  to  be  a  martyr,  &  he  sed  he'd  done  only  what  he 
bleeved  it  was  his  dooty  2  do. 

When  they  hearn  that,  they  sed  :  "  Oh !  that  alturs 
the  case.  Ef  yu've  only  been  doing  your  dooty,  we 
hale  yu  as  1  of  the  most  uprightest  of  saints,  &  we 
wouldn't  hurt  yu  for  a  shilling." 

Then  he  invyted  um  2  come  2  the  meeting  on  Wens- 
dy,  (fe  they  promussd  2  come  for  sarting.  "  But,  come, 
most  holy  sir,"  sez  they,  "  &  take  wine  with  us  for  bet- 
ter akwaintunz  sake." 

He  went  into  the  rheum  with  them,  &  they  awl  sot 
down  2  a  table  &  called  for  wine.  Arftur  they  had 
drunk  a  little  wine  toggethur,  the  apossle  felt  like 
making  a  speech,  &  whilst  he  was  speaking,  the  miss- 
principled  heathens  filled  up  the  dikkanter  with  brandy. 
Whilst  he  was  giving  them  good  advice,  they  kept 
reaching  him  the  glass,  &  he  would  take  a  swallow  2 
cleer  his  throte,  till  at  last  he  got  kind  o'  tossicated,  & 
drunk  a  hole  tumbler  of  brandy  without  purceeving  it. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  187 

He  went  two  bed  &  slept  till  the  nekst  day,  till  it 
WRs  enermost  time  2  go  2  the  meeting.  Then  they  cut 
)rf  his  long  hare  whiist  he  was  asleep,  &;  jest  stuck  it 
on  with  some  kind  of  gloo  or  something  else,  so  that  it 
would  come  orf  easy,  &;  they  painted  a  gallus  on  his 
Torrid  with  injy  ink,  &  black  spots  on  his  cheeks. 

As  soon  as  it  was  time  for  him  2  start,  they  woke 
him  up,  &  giv  him  a  glass  of  likker  2  steddy  his 
lerves,  &  when  he  sawn  how  late  it  was,  he  was  fright- 
ened &  hurrid  orf  2  the  meeting  as  fast  as  he  could  go. 

The  rascals  awl  followed  arftur  him.  The  Meeting 
House  was  crowded  with  peple  from  awl  parts,  when 
the  apossle  went  in. 

He  walked  up  into  the  pulpit  with  grate  dignity,  & 
awl  the  men  stomped  onto  the  floor,  &  the  feemail 
clapt  their  hands  &  shook  their  hankurchurs. 

As  soon  a^  he  turned  round  2  the  light,  everybody 
seen  that  their  was  2  grate  black  spots  onto  his  face,  1 
unto  each  cheek ;  &  there  was  some  stranje-looking 
thing  onto  hiz  forrid. 

I  thawt  it  was  some  picktur  on  hiz  forrid  that  was 
put  there  2  illusterate  hiz  diskoarse,  but  some  of  the 
yung  peple  larfed  out  loud. 

Then  those  heathens  that  did  it,  hollured  out  "  gal- 
lus !"  &  every  1  seen  that,  troo  enuff,  it  was  a  gallus 
onto  his  forrid. 


188  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

The  apossle  didn't  no  what  the  peple  M'as  larfing  at, 
(k  he  begun  2  tell  urn  it  was  a  verry  solium  occasion. 

"He's  got  the  gallus  onto  his  kountenunz  !"  hollured 
out  the  square. 

The  apossle  tolled  them  2  keep  order,  <fe  sed  that 
sich  words  w^as  very  unproper. 

"  But  I'm  sorry  2  say  it's  troo,"  sed  the  Presidentess; 
"  what  maid  you  put  that  ugly  thing  on  yure  forrid  ?'' 

He  stared  at  hur  as  ef  he  thawt  it  was  a  poor  kom- 
plement  2  tell  him  he  had  the  gallus  on  his  face,  &;  he 
seen  that  some  of  the  sosiety  was  larfing  at  him.  I 
enermost  larfed  myself,  for  I  thawt  he  had  done  it  awl 
hisself. 

He  began  to  get  vext,  &  he  spoke  very  loud,  &  put 
up  his  h-and  to  scratch  his  head,  &;  when  he  began  to 
scratch,  awl  his  hare  come  orf,  &,  it  fell  down  onto  the 
heads  of  the  ladies  hoo  sot  under  the  pulpit,  &  they 
diddend  no  what  it  was.  So  they  jumpt  up  & 
screeched,  &  the  men  larfed  loud  when  they  seen  his 
head  as  bald  as  a  barber's  block. 

The  wimmin  was  screeching  &  the  men  was  very 
loud  in  their  larftur.  The  apossle  was  scared  when  his 
hare  come  orf.  He  run  out  of  the  church,  &  streeked 
it  for  the  tavyun,  without  stopping  2  put  on  his  hat. 

When  he  got  2  the  tavyun  &  run  into  the  bar  room, 
the  men  didn't  no  him,  &  the  landlord  thought  he  was 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  18<) 

a  poor  manyick  that  had  broke  loose  from  a  loonattick 
asilum. 

But  the  rascals  that  did  it  come  in  soon,  &  tolled  the 
peple  into  the  bar-room  hoo  he  was,  &  how  they  had 
done  it. 

Then  they  awl  got  around  the  apossle  &  begun  2 
larf.  He  run  out  &  got  onto  his  hoss  &  cleered  out  of 
the  village  like  a  streek  o'  litening,  &  the  sosiety  air 
afeared  that  he  will  never  come  back  2  deliver  his  leck- 
tur. 

Onto  the  nekst  day  the  Presidentess  called  the  meet- 
ing 2gether,  &  we  parsed  resolutions  that  our  grate 
champin  Roger  Penfold,  had  been  marturized  by  sar- 
ting  viliyuns  in  human  shape,  but  that  his  sperrit  was 
still  marching  on. 

Arteemass  poked  hiz  head  in  at  the  door,  &  sed  ef 
hiz  sperrit  was  knot  marching  on,  his  body  sartingly 
was,  for  he  had  been  seen  going  throo  Smootsville  onto 
hiz  hoss,  as  ef  the  Old  Scratch  was  arftur  him. 

I  turned  &  gove  arteemass  a  purcing  look  when  he 
subzided  &  left.  His  fort  air  wax  figgurs,  &  he  alius 
puts  his  foofe  in  when  he  attempts  2  treet  on  the  grate 
moral  idees  of  the  day. 


190  BETSEY   JANE   WAKD 


THE  INCOME  TAX. 

It's  well  none  thet  me  &  arteemass  air  as  patriottick 
as  the  vane  onto  Baldinsville  Meeting  House,  which  it 
air  alius  troo  2  its  duty  &  shoze  which  way  the  wind 
blows. 

But,  at  the  same  time,  we  hev  thet  cents  of  gustiss 
into  our  boozims  that  we  air  very  much  oposed  2  pay  in 
inymore  than  what  is  rite  &  fare.  We  wouldn't  pay  a 
scent  mourn  our  gust  doos  becaws  that  would  be  rong, 
&  we  air  peskidly  afeared  of  dooing  inything  rong, 
espeshally  in  that  pecooliar  weigh. 

When  they  taxt  our  wax  figgurs  &  beaslesses,  artee- 
mass (fe  me  went  rite  orf  2  the  tax  man,  &  tolled  him 
"it  was  a  disloyal  act  2  tax  our  moral  exibition,  &  ef  he 
diddend  giv  it  up  we  would  inform  agin  him. 

He  had  the  impurdunz  2  say  that  our  concern  was 
taxibble  under  the  law. 

Arteemass  tolled  him  a  different  story ;  G.  Washing- 
ton was  1  of  the  wax  liggurs,  &  noboddy  but  a  traitor 
would  tax  the  father  of  his  kuntry. 

The  tax  mail  scd  he  was  glad  2  see  that  we  was  so 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  j^^ 

patriottick,  &  had  know  dowt  we  would  be  glad  to  pa} 
the  tax,  sense  it  went  2  diffray  the  expences  of  the 
kuntry. 

Arteemass  tolled  him  thet  our  patriottism  were  good 
enuff  without  taxing  or  volunteering  ither  ;  let  them 
pay  taxes  &;  volunteer  which  their  patrottism  required 
it ;  but  he  was  2  well  none  as  a  patriot  2  require  iny 
sich  proofs,  &,  besides  that,  he  had  corresponded  with 
A.  Lincoln. 

"  When  was  that  ?"  arsked  the  taxer. 

"  As  much  as  2  yeer  aggo,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  I  scent 
him  an  invite  to  cawl  &  look  at  the  sho." 

"  What  ansur  did  he  send  you  ?"  sez  the  taxer. 

"  He  hasn't  ansurd"  my  letter  yet,"  sez  arteemass ; 
"  but  I'm  expecting  the  ansur  every  day.  '*  It's  likely 
he's  waiting  till  some  post-office  is  vacant  two  put  me 
in  as  postmarster." 

"  Well,  yu  wait,"  sez  the  taxer ;  "  patience  air  a 
good  thing,  <fe  yu've  got  a  first  rate  oppertoonity  for  ex- 
ercising that  virtoo." 


102  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 


VISIT  TO  BOSTON. 

It's  a  good  many  yeer  aggo  sense  me  &  arteemass 
went  to  Boston  with  our  sho  &  sot  up  our  tent  just  be- 
yond Dock  Square,  a  little  ways  from  Funnell  Hawl  <fe 
closet  2  the  Bite  Tavyun. 

As  soon  as  we'd  got  the  tent  sot  up,  a  man  with  a 
cain  come  up  to  arteemass  &  put  hiz  hand  onto  his 
shoulder,  &  sez  he  :  "  Yu're  my  prizoner !" 

"  What  for  1"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Thet  cigar,"  sez  the  man. 

"Whet  of  it?  It  didn't  cost  yu  nothing,"  sez 
arteemass. 

"  But  it'll  cost  yu  five  dollurs,"  sez  the  man. 

Arteemass  was  stuclv,  which  it  seemed  2  be  that 
something  was  the  matter  with  the  felure's  intrellecks, 
till  he  sez  :  "  I'm  a  constable  &  arrest  yu  for  smoking 
a  cigar  into  the  streets." 

"  I  never  hearn  of  sich  a  thing,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Can't  help  it — yu  must  fork  over,"  sez  the  con 
stable. 

"  Isn't  Bunkers  Hill  somewhare  into  this  villidge  ?'* 
sez  arteemass. 


HUH  BOOK   OF  GOAKS,  19^ 

"It's  across  the  river   yandur,"    sez   the  constable 
"  ef  the  houseii  was  out  of  the  weigh,  you  might  see  it 
from  hear." 

"  What  did  they  fite  for,  over  there?"  sez  arteemass. 

"  For  liberty,  to  be  sure,"  sez  the  man. 

"  Well,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  ef  this  air  the  kind  o' 
liberty  they  fit  for,  they'd  better  hev  been  turning 
wooden  nutmegs  or  getting  up  a  sosiety  for  paring 
niggers'  toe-nales,  &  then  they'd  hev  saved  their 
bacon," 

"  Another  5  dollurs,"  sez  the  constable;  "  for  speck- 
ing disrespeckful  of  our  kuUud  bruthring." 

I  gove  arteemass  a  purcing  gaze,  <fe  tolled  him  to 
hand  over  the  10  dollurs  without  anuther  word.  For 
my  part,  I  was  glad  to  find  we'd  got  into  a  place  whare 
the  principle-s  of  our  sosiety  was  protected  by  law,  <fe  I 
gove  the  constable  an  invite  2  go  in  <fe  see  the  wax 
figgurs  ;  but  he  sed  he  couldn't  stop  as  he  had  ingaged 
two  assist  in  tarring  <fe  feathering  a  dimmokrat,  at  3 
okklock,  hoo  had  insulted  the  peple  of  Boston  by  speck- 
ing in  praise  of  the  constitution 

I  seen  he  was  a  troo  patriot,  &  I  hadn't  the  hart  two 
detain  him,  seing  he  was  in  a  hurry  2  fulfill  a  solium 
dooty. 

A  little  ways  from  our  tent,  there  was  a  qurius  look  • 
ing  veehikkle ;  it  was  a  small  house  on  wagging-wheels. 


194  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

&  onto  the  outside  of  it  was  painted  the  words  :  Fine 
Art  Waggon. 

They  sed  the  fine  arts  was  displade  into  the  wagging, 
&  yu  must  pay  25  scents  two  go  in  &  ^ee  it. 

Arteemass  scene  a  yung  man  &  woman  come  out  of 
the  wagging,  &;  he  arsked  um  what  was  2  be  scene 
inside.  But  they  wouldn't  ansur  him  a  word,  &  the 
yung  woman  turned  as  red  as  a  beat. 

Arteemass  didn't  like  it  at  awl,  as  there  was  more 
peple  went  into  the  wagging  than  come  two  our  tent,  & 
he  sed  it  was  a  munnoppoly. 

I  didn't  like  the  looks  of  that  wagging  at  awl,  &  I 
advised  arteemass  2  keep  away  from  it. 

1  nite,  it  was  about  9  okklock  when  I  mist  arteemass 
from  the  tent,  &  1  was  afeard  he  had  got  into  the  Fine 
Art  Wagging. 

I  run  across  2  it,  &  put  my  mouth  to  the  door,  & 
hollurd  out ;  "  Arteemass  !"  three  or  four  times. 

There  was  know  ansur.  Then  I  tride  the  door,  but 
it  was  fassend  insighed. 

Whilst  I  was  singing  out  the  name  of  arteemass  a 
constable  come  along  &  ketched  holt  of  my  arm. 

"  Come  along  o'  me  !"  sez  he. 

"  Whet's  the  matter  ?"  sez  I. 

"  You'll  find  out  soon  enuff,"  sez  he. 

So  he  dragged  me  along  the  street,  up  into  a  stono 
bilding  in  Court  Street,  &  shet  me  up  in  a  dark  sullar. 


HTTR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  195 

I  was  desput  feared  thet  I  had  been  kommitting  some 
dredful  crime  without  knowing  it. 

Onto  the  nekst  morning,  I  was  took  up  some  stone 
steps  into  a  big  room  &  put  onto  a  little  stajing  which 
they  said  it  was  a  pullice  court. 

The  dark  of  the  court  opend  hiz  bloo  eyes  &  stared 
at  me  as  ef  he  would  look  me  throo,  &  the  juge  lookt 
at  me  over  hiz  spectacles  as  ef  I  ode  him  something. 

Then  the  dark  arsked  me  my  name,  &  I  tolled  him 
what  it  air.  He  rit  it  down,  &  then  he  got  up  &  red 
off  a  paper,  that  Betsey  Jane  Ward  had  "  with  malice 
aforethought,  &  being  insuggated  by  the  devil,  alarmed 
the  good  peple  of  Boston,  &  endanjurd  the  publick 
morals,  in  the  nite,  by  loud  outcries,  exclamations,  yell 
ings,  threatenings,  cursing,  swearing,  &  with  form  of 
arms,  bludgeons,  swords,  pistols,  rifles,  parrot  guns,  & 
torpedoze,  broken  the  publick  piece,  two  the  grate 
terror  of  the  inhabitants  of  sed  sitty,  &  setting  an  evil 
example  two  awl  pursons  in  like  manner  oifending." 

Thet's  about  awl  I  can  remember  of  it.  Then  the 
dark  sez : 

"  Betsey  Jane  Ward,  whet  do  yoU  say  to  the  indite- 
ment — air  yu  gilty  or  not  gilty "?" 

"Not  gilty  of  nothing  at  awl,  in  coarse,"  sez  I.  "1 
mist  arteemass  &  suspicioned  that  he'd  got  into  the 
Fine  Art  Wagging,  &  I  jist  went  2  the  door  <fe  called 
arteemass  when  the  constable " 


196  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 

"  Stop — stop/'  sez  the  judge ;  "  we  don't  want  2 
heer  awl  that." 

Then  he  tells  the  offisur  2  take  the  witness  stand. 

The  constable  held  up  his  right  hand  whilst  the  dark 
of  the  court  swored  him  to  tell  the  truth.  Then  he 
went  on  to  tell  of  my  making  a  grate  racket  into  the 
nite. 

Then  the  juge,  he  sez  2  me :  "  Prisoner,  this  air  a 
very  serious  komplaint  agin  yu,  &  it's  time  thet  some- 
body was  maid  an  eggzample  on,  for  the  morals  of  this 
sitty  air  in  great  danjur  from  sich  onprincipled  pursons 
wandering  around  into  the  nite  without  iny  purtection." 

Then  ftiy  dandur  riz,  &  sez  1  :  "It  'pears  2  me  that 
ef  yu  air  so  much  kornsarnd  about  the  morals  of  the 
sitty,  yu'd  better  look  2  that  Fine  Art  Wagging " 

Then  a  constable  put  hiz  hand  onto  my  arm  &  stopt 
me,  &  he  come  closet  up  &  whisperd  into  my  ear.  Sez 
he: 

"Don't  say  nothing  about  the  Fine  Art  "Wagging; 
we  no  awl  about  that  establishment,  but  we  dassent 
make  an  attack  onto  it  for  fear  of  offending  the  Free 
Lovers  which  air  very  strong  into  these  parts." 

Then  sez  the  judge  :  "  Ef  yu've  got  iny  witnesses 
bring  um  furrid  ;  ef  not,  lissen  2  yure  sentenz." 

1  lookt  around  the  court  &  seen  nobody  there  I  node, 
&  was  dumb-founded  at  fust,  till  the  door  opened  & 
artccmass  come  in. 


HUE  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  197 

"  Arteemass  !"  hollurd  I ;  "  air  thet  yu  1  See  what 
sittovation  the  wife  of  yure  boozim  hev  got  into." 

Then  arteemass  went  up  &  spoke  to  the  dark  of  the 
court,  &  he  spoke  2  the  juge. 

Arftiire  they  had  tawkt  toggethur  awile,  the  juge  sez  : 

"  Let  her  give  bonds  of  two  thousand  dollurs  2  keep 
the  piece  hercarfture." 

Arteemasss  went  out  2  look  for  a  bondsman,  but  he 
couldn't  find  nobody  two  give  bonds  till  he  tolled  um  I 
belonged  to  the  Wimmin's  Rites,  &  then  3  old  mades 
aggreed  2  stand  sequrity  for  me. 

As  soon  as  1  got  out  of  court,  I  arsked  arteemass 
whare  he  was  onto  the  nite  that  I  was  took  up  for  cawl- 
ing  him.  He  sed  he  was  up  in  Cornhill  tawking  with 
a  sperrit-mejum  hoo  wanted  an  engajement,  to  perform 
into  the  tent,  &  he  liked  to  hire  him,  but  when  the 
meJLim  hearn  the  wax  figgur  of  G.  Washington  was 
thare,  he  broke  orf  the  bargain  &  wouldn't  purform 
into  a  tent  whare  G.  Washington  was,  as  he  was  a 
slaveholder. 

When  we  got  back  2  the  tent,  arteemass  begun  for 
two  pack  up. 

"  What  air  you  doing  on,  arteemass  ?"  sez  I. 
"  I'm    going    to    cut   out,"    sez   he ;    "  it's    time   to 
travel." 

"  Whet  upon  urth  doo  you  mean  ?"  sez  I ;  "  we  hev 


193  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

but  jist  put  up  our  tent,  <fe  now  you  tawk  of  cutting 
out  r' 

"  Betsey  Jane,"  sez  he,  in  a  solium  voyce  ;  "  I'm 
going  in  sarch  of  hooman  beings,  falluble  critturs  like 
ourselves  :  these  yere  into  Boston  air  superior  2  hoo- 
man natur.  They  air  2  perfect  for  you  &  me,  &  it's  a 
kind  o'  sackeriledge  for  us  2  introod  into  this  holy 
place.  Betsey  Jane,  let  us  make  ourselves  skurce. 
This  air  a  place  whare  cullud  pursons  air  awl  gentle- 
men, &  white  ones  air  awl  saints.  It  air  know  place 
for  us." 

We  cut  out. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  199 


THE  WIT   OF    BETSEY  JANE. 

I  WAS  sitting  into  the  door  of  our  tent,  1  arfturenoon, 
tapping  a  pare  of  shuze,  which  they  had  got  wore  throo 
onto  the  soul. 

A  woman  that  lived  into  the  nabourhood  hoo  was 
awful  stuck  up  bekaws  hur  husband  was  postmarster,  & 
hooze  knows  was  red  on  akkownt,  as  they  sed,  of  hur 
being  2  fond  of  likker,  come  along  that  way,  <fe  turned 
up  hur  red  knows  at  me  as  she  parsed. 

'*  I  think,"  sez  she,  "  that  ef  I  was  arteemass  Ward, 
I'd  find  some  better  bizniss  for  my  wife  than  tapping 
old  shuze." 

"  Hity  tity  !  Law  suz-a-daisy  !"  sez  I ;  'J  I'd  ruther 
be  tapping  old  shuze  than  2  be  tapping  a  whiskey 
barrel." 

She  skooted. 

She  tolled, some  of  the  naburs  that  she  would  hev 
gin  me  a  blowing  up  ef  I  had  been  hur  ekal  in  social 
puzzition.  I  scent  hur  word  thet  I  spent  most  of  my 
time  in  the  compinny  of  G.  Washington,  &  arsked  hur 
ef  she  could  go  hire'n  that. 


200  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 


CONFIRMATION    STRONG. 

Arteemass  Ward,  the  jentlemen  hoo  has  took  me 
2  hiz  tender  boozim,  air  1  of  the  most  modest  men  into 
the  world. 

He  publishes  2  awl  mankind  hiz  grate  sho,  but  he 
hev  knot  tolled  mankind,  (which  it  inkloods  consequen- 
tially womankind,)  whet  hev  been  said  about  the  grate 
exibition  by  the  editerial  corpse  awl  over  this  land  of 
freedom,  inkluding  Baldinsville. 

It's  more  kornksewenz  whet  others  sez  than  whet  he 
sez  hisself  &  as  he  hev  left  um  out  of  hiz  book  thare 
air  more  need  that  I  put  um  into  mine. 

Into  the  fust  place,  was  the  editor  of  the  Baldinsville 
Bugle,  which  he  sez,  2  whit : 

"  Once  more  we  feel  it  our  pleasant  duty  to  point  the 
attention  of  an  enlightened  public,  and  the  enlightened, 
loyal,  and  talented  inhabitants  of  Baldinsville  in  particu- 
lar, to  the  great  exhibition  of  illustrious  characters  done 
in  wax — the  production  of  that  industrious  animal,  the 
bee — and  the  astonishing  wild  beasts,  particularly  the 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  201 

kangaroo,  who  alone  is  worth  ten  times  the  price  of  ad- 
mission, which  has  been  before  the  public  several  years, 
and  drawn  forth  plaudits  which  could  have  been  exceed- 
ed only  when  Noah  made  a  general  muster  of  all  the 
animals  prior  to  their  entrance  into  the  ark ;  while,  the 
amount  of  moral  good  done  the  community,  and  the 
world  of  mankind,  is  incalculable  save  by  the  aid  of  a 
Newton  or  a  Laplace,  accustomed  as  those  great 
philosophers  were  to  those  stupendous  estimates  that 
surpass  the  limited  powers  of  ordinary  men. 

"  Let  us  take,  for  example,  the  wax  figure  of  G. 
Washington,  dressed,  as  we  are  assured,  in  the  same 
clothes  that  the  original  wore  when  he  received  the 
homage  of  Lord  Cornwallis.  What  youth,  what  man 
of  middle  age,  what  octogenarian  even,  fixing  his  eyes 
upon  that  figure,  could  fail  to  feel  the  sublimest  emo- 
tions of  patriotism  swell  his  bursting  heart  ?  We  cer- 
tainly believe  that  had  this  one  figure  been  exhibited  at 
the  South  in  1860,  there  would  have  been  no  rebellion. 

"  Then,  the  figure  of  the  pirate  Gibbs,  with  the  iden- 
tical rope  around  his  neck  with  which  he  was  hung, 
must  afford  such  a  warning  to  the  youth  of  our  country 
as  shall  ever  after  keep  them  in  the  path  of  virtue,  and 
render  them  obedient  to  the  slightest  wish  of  their  be- 
loved parents.  It  will  also  speak  trumpet-tongued  to 
the  parents  themselves  :  '  Train  up  a  child  in  the  way 
9* 


OQO  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

he  should  go,  and  when  he  is  old  he  will  not  depart 
from  it.'       .  - 

•  "  The  Kangaroo,  fierce  and  malignant,  also  affords  a 
striking  example  to'young  persons,  who,  witnessing  his 
evil  dispositions,  will  contrast  them  with  the  Christian 
character  of  the  exhibitor  himself  and  his  amiable  wife, 
with  whom  we  have  the  honor  of  being  on  terms  of  the 
closest  intimacy. 

"  But  time  would  fail  us  were  we  to  set  forth 
one  half  the  advantages  that  will  accrue  to  persons 
visiting  this  great  emporium  of  Nature  and  of  Art. 
To  the  naturalist,  the  philosopher,  the  divine,  the 
student,  the  lawyer,  the  merchant,  the  mechanic;  the 
student  of  divinity,  and  all  the  learned  professions  in 
fact,  an  hour  spent  at  this  great  exhibition  will  be 
invaluable,  and  may  affect  their  destiny  not  only  in 
time  but  in  eternity.     Solemn  thought !" 

Awl  thet  butiful  peace  was  rit  for  the  Bugle,  & 
arteemass  bawt  up  25  of  the  papers  which  they  had 
it  into  um,  &  scent  1  two  the  President,  1  two  the 
governor,  1  two  the  sekerterry  of  state,  <fc  the  rest  two 
awl  the  biggest  people  he  could  think  on.  The  editor 
of  the  Bugle,  hoo  was  promist  a  seizing  ticket  2  the  sho 
ef  he  would  rite  something  nice,  sent  his  boy  for  the 
ticket  as  soon  as  the  Bugle  come  out  with  it  in,  & 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  203 

arteemass  sent  him  a  lock  of  hare  from  the  head  of  the 
wax  figgur  of  G.  Washington  besides  the  ticket. 

The  followering  is  from  the  Iron  City  Spy — 2  whit : 
"  Mr.  Arteemass  Ward,  the  distinguished  naturalist 
and  savant,  is  too  well  known  is  this  vicinity,  and  to 
all  persons  of  delicacy  and  refined  taste,  to  need  any 
introduction  by  us.  Our  pen  is  incompetent  to  set 
forth  his  virtues.  *  The  proper  study  of  mankind  is " 
man,'  and  no  one  can  study  the  character  of  that  gentle^ 
man  without  rising  to  superior  heights  in  his  knowledge 
of  human  capabilities,  and  the  sublime  nature  of  mod- 
ern ethics  ;  while  his  wife  is  the  principal  glory  of  her 
sex.  That  such  a  man  should  have  produced  an  ex- 
hibition which  astonishes  the  world,  was  naturally  to  be 
expected.  We  would  say  more,  but  we  have  just  visit- 
ed the  tent,  and  our  feelings  overpower  us. 

"  Any  person  in  the  Iron  City  who  fails  to  visit  this 
great  show,  must  be  difeloyal  at  heart,  and  should  be 
treated  accordingly." 

Thet  air  pretty  good,  I  take  it.  I  don't  see  how  he 
conld  hev  said  much  more,  &  arteemass  sez  he  likes  it 
kwite  as  well  as  the  long  1,  for  it  comes  immejutly  2 
the  pint,  vfe  gives  the  idee  which  it  air  the  way  it  strikes 
everybody  that  visits  the  sho. 

The  Scipioville  Naturalist  prints  the  followering — 2 
whit : 


204  BETSEY  JANE   WAED 

"  Wc  have  just  come  from  witnessing-  the  exhibition 
of  our  friend  Ward,  which  has  been  opened  to  the  pub- 
lic since  Thursday  last.  It  is  without  exception  the 
best  collection  of  animals  and  statuary  ever  exhibited 
in  this  country.  The  great  Barnurn  must  guard  well 
his  laurels.  The  profound  satisfaction  which  we  have 
derived  from  a  cursory  view  of  Mr.  Ward's  tasty  and 
elegant  assortment  of  wonders  will  never  be  effaced 
from  our  memory." 

I  hev  put  in  the  above  notiss  jist  2  sho  the  reeder 
what  lyres  some  men  air.  Arfture  he  had  rit  this 
peace,  he  come  to  the  tent  with  a  duzzin  ladys  <fe  5 
small  children,  &  wanted  we  should  give  um  a  free 
parse  as  long  as  we  remayned  into  Scipioville. 

Arteemass  tolled  him  they  mite  awl  go  in  onct,  &  he 
thawt  that  was  enuff,  as  he  hisself  had  a  free  parse  2  go 
in  alius  as  long  as  he  lived. 

But  the  edditor  cullud  up  as  ef  somebody  had  spit 
into  hiz  face,  <fe  he  went  orf  without  sayne  a  word,  tho 
the  ladys  was  very  much  disappinted  <fe  the  children 
cride  as  ef  their  little  harts  would  bust.  Then  I  went 
&  brawt  the  children  back,  &  their  mothers  come  with 
um,  &  I  let  um  go  into  the  sho  &  stay  as  long  as  they 
pleezd.     They  was  awl  tickled  haff  2  death. 

When  the  nekst  Naturalist  come  out,  it  contaynd 
the  foUowering — 2  whit : 


HUK  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  ^  205 

"  Not  wishing  to  trouble  our  readers  about  an  affair 
which  is  really  too  insignificant  for  the  notice  of  a  re- 
spectable journalist,  we  are  bound,  ia  justice  and  from 
our  stern  regard  to  truth,  to  correct  some  expressions 
which  appeared  in  our  last  issue,  in  regard  to  a  most 
contemptible  and  demoralizing  catch-penny  affiir, 
brought  into  this  highly  moral  and  enlightened  village 
by  a  strolling  vagabond  calling  himself  Arteemass 
Ward,  whose  only  claim  to  respect  is  the  piece  of 
American  flag  which  is  disgraced  by  flying  over  the 
door  of  his  ragged  and  greasy  tent.  A  woman  whom 
he  calls  his  wife  tries  to  elicit  the  sympathy,  or  rather 
pity,  of  the  public  by  fondling  a  pair  of  twins,  who  do 
not  bear  the  least  resemblance  to  their  reputed  father, 
though  they  are  ugly  enough  to  have  been  sired  by  the 
devil  himself. 

"  Pity  for  the  starveling  brats,  and  their  wretched 
caretakers,  induced  us  to  speak  all  too  favorably  of  the 
show  in  our  last  issue.  We  now  proceed  to  make  the 
amende  honorable  to  our  highly  respected  patrons  by 
stating  the  truth.  We  don't  want  to  injure  even  Ihe 
unworthy,  but,  painful  as  it  may  be  to  our  own  feelings, 
our  sense  of  right,  our  invincible  attachment  to  great 
moral  ideas,  and  a  conscientious  regard  to  the  welfare 
of  the  whole  public  and  of  the  people  of  this  county  in 
a  peculiar  manner — for,  as  the  poet  says  :  '  a  wounded 
conscience  who  can  bear  V  these  high  considerations,  we 


20G  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

say,  will  not  permit  us  to  weigh  the  insignificant 
interests  of  a  few  strolling  mendicants  against  those  of 
this  enlightened  community  &  the  whole  world  of  man- 
kind.  We  plant  our  foot  upon  the  rock  of  eternal 
right,  and  the  cloud  and  the  beam  which  led  Israel 
through  the  wilderness  is  our  infallible  guide.  We 
cannot  err  with  such  a  leader. 

"  We  would  say,  then,  of  this  show,  that  the  figure 
of  G.  Washington  resembles  him  as  much  as  we 
resemble  Hercules,  but  it  is  a  very  good  likeness  of  the 
man  who  was  hauled  up  before  Squire  Dairs,  the  other 
day,  for  robbing  a  henroost.  The  only,  difference  is  in 
the  wardrobe — that  of  the  hen-thief  being  in  far  better 
condition  than  the  bundle  of  old  rags  which  insult  the 
father  of  his  country. 

"The  animals  are  half-starved,  and  we  did  not  see 
one  of  them  who  appeared  in  a  state  of  health;  proba- 
bly the  one  half  of  them  will  not  live  a  month.  But 
the  chief  objection  which  we  have  to  the  place  is  its 
want  of  cleanliness,  which  most  exercise  a  very  delete- 
rious effect  upon  the  public  health.  If  the  exhibition 
is  not  removed  within  the  week,  we  will  not  answer  for 
the  consequences. 

"  On  coming  home  from  the  show  of  this  man  Ward, 
we  took  a  large  dose  of  Epson  Salts,  which,  through 
the  mercy  of  a  kind  Providence,  has  thus  far  preserved 
us  from  any  serious  illness,  though  certain  indescribable 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  207 

feelings  admonish  us  of  the  great  risk  which  we  have 
run,  and  the  dangers  that  we  have  escaped,  by  a  timely 
appeal  to  the  medicine  chest. 

*'But  we  are  not  yet  done.  From  intelligence 
received  through  a  source  which  we  are  not  permitted 
to  mention,  we  have  every  reason  to  believe  that  this 
man  Ward  is  a  rebel  emissary — a  spy  in  fact,  who  is 
actively  engaged  in  striking  at  the  life  of  the  nation  ! 

"  To  pull  down  his  tent  and  destroy  all  that  it  con- 
tains, would  be  a  slight  punishment  for  his  offences  if 
our  informant  is  correct,  and  we  have  no  reason  to 
doubt  that  he  is  a  man  of  undoubted  veracity.  But  it 
is  not  for  us  to  counsel  a  breach  of  the  peace.  Although 
even  if  the  man  was  hung  up  to  the  first  tree,  it  could 
only  be  regarded  as  an  evidence  of  ardent  loyalty  and 
patriotism  in  those  who  thus  defied  the  law,  yet  we 
trust  we  are  too  well  known  in  this  community  to  be 
accused  of  inciting  the  people  to  a  popular  disturbance 
even  in  so  just  a  cause." 

This  air  the  weigh  thet  the  meen  skunk  rit  about  us 
&  our  grate  moral  exhibition  ;  &  ef  we  hadn't  cut  out 
from  thet  villidge,  we  should  hev  been  confisticated 
without  no  dowt. 

But  it  happent  very  fortinctly  thet  the  brother  2  one 
of  the  children  thet  I  let  into  the  sho,  was  employed 
into  the  offiss  of  the  Naturalist,  &  he  seed  the  peace 


208  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

whilst  they  were  setting  it  up.  He  went  home  &; 
lolled  his  mother,  &  she  put  on  hur  bunnit  &  shawl  & 
run  down  to  the  tent  &  tolled  arteemass. 

We  packt  up  &  left  that  very  nite,  &  it  was  well  we 
did,  as  we  hearn  arfturewards  thet  a  grate  mob,  with 
pitchforks,  &  sithes,  &  pistols,  &  shot-guns,  was  onto 
the  spot  whare  our  tent  had  been  standing,  urly  on  the 
nekst  morning. 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  209 


MATERNAL  COUNSEL. 

My  davvter,  Sarah  Ann,  has  got  a  lituary  disposition, 
&  is  very  like  me  in  thet  respect,  only  a  little  more  so ; 
she's  a  chip  of  the  old  block,  &  reads  most  butiful,  & 
have  a  romantic  turn  like  me,  for  I  was  alius  fond  of 
solitude  when  I  was  young,  &  gay  dresses,  &  rings.  & 
jewellery,  &  going  two  bawls ;  besides  awl  thet,  she 
sings  in  the  same  way  as  I  ucetur,  swinging  herself  in 
the  rocking  chair  «fe  laying  her  head  back,  though  I  don't 
wonder  at  those  last,  for  there's  so  much  into  it  that  I 
spose  it  tires  her  two  hold  it  up. 

Sarah  Ann  air  my  favoryte  dawter,  &  therefore  I  hev 
took  more  keer  two  instruct  her  in  the  \vay  she  should 
go  than  iny  of  the  rest. 

Says  I  two  her,  the  other  day — it  was  jist  3  months 
from  her  last  birth-day,  when  she  was  16 — says  I  two 
Sarah  Ann,  as  she  was  combing  hur  hare  be4  the  glarse 
sez  I  two  hur :  "  Now,  Sarah  Ann,  you  no  thet  I  am 
yure  loving  mother " 

"  Guess  so,"  sez  she  ;  "  hearn  it  often  enufF — must  be 
so,  I  spose." 

"  You  air  right,"  continued  I,  into  the  same  tone  of 


210  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

effeckshun ;  "  I  am  yure  beloved  parient,  more  experi 
eiiced,  &  older  than  yourself " 

"  Thet  part's  troo,  inyhow,"  sez  she. 

"Now,  Sarah  Ann,  doo  you  heer  me,  my  dawter?" 

"Spit  it  out,  mother;  I  hevn't  got  the  ears  of  a 
Jackass,  but  sich  as  they  air,  they  are  at  your  sarvice." 

"  So  I  kornclude,"  continued  I ;  "  &  now,  my  dawter, 
comfoj't  &  consolur  of  my  declining  years,  it  is  your 
own   deer   mother   thet   addresses   her   discourse   two 

you." 

Then  she  slung  hur  hare  onto  her  head,  chopt  in  the 
comb,  &  soddown  into  the  wrecking  cheer  with  her 
hands  folded  into  her  lap, 

"  Lissen  two  me,  Sarah  Ann,  it  air  for  your  own  good 
thet  your  venerabul  parient  aip  specking  two  you  in  a 
individooal  manner,  this  afturenoon." 

"  Go  ahead,  old  boss." 

"  Now,  Sarah  Ann,  you  know  thet  you  hev  arrived 
at  an  age " 

Then  I  stopt  two  giv  hur  time  two  refleck  onto  whet 
I  had  sed.  She  put  a  slate  pencil  in  her  mouth  & 
begun  two  chaw^  onto  it. 

"  Now,  Sarah  Ann,"  continued  I;  "  ef  you  alius  take 
the  advice  of  your  beloved  parient,  you  will  succeed 
well  into  the  world,  &  a  Wesson  will  attend  your  labors 
which  it  is  ritten  that  hiz  days  shall  be  long  into  the 
land." 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  211 

Then  I  gave  her  a  purcing  gaze  two  impress  onto  hur 
mind  those  advice  be4  I  had  gone  iny  further. 

*'  You  aiut  going  for  two  tell  me  two  giv  up  my 
draw'ns,  I  hope,"  sez  she. 

Then  I  held  up  my  hand,  &  lade  the  parm  of  it 
gently  onto  hur  apun,  as  I  sed  : 

"  Don't  go  for  two  think  thet  inything  your  parients 
shall  say  can  possibly  be  into  the  rong,  but  only  for 
your  own  good,  my  dawter.  As  for  your  draw'ns,  your 
paints,  your  kammil  brushes,  your  injy  ink,  *  your 
pencils,  &  your  cranes,  them  air  awl  the  vannity  of  the 
young;  as  Hamlick's  unkle  says,  they  air  fethers  stuck 
into  the  caps  of  a  youth.  When  you  grow  older,  you 
will  be  more  experienced,  &  more  varchuus  of  coarse, 
like  your  beloved  mother.  But,  I  am  not  a  going  two 
purscribe  your  draw'ns  which  Mr.  Flatterwell,  the 
artist,  sez  shoze  grate  tallons  into  you.  It  would  be 
very>stranje  ef  a  dawter  of  mine  diddend  hav  tallons. 
Indeed  it  would ;  &  you  espeshually,  w^hich  you  air  sed 
two  be  the  very  pickter  of  thet  beloved  parient  hoo  air 
now  addressin  you.  Yes,  dawter,  on  akkownt  of  the 
grate  resumblunz  betwixt  us,  it  would  be  enermost 
blasphemia  two  say  that  you  haddend  got  tallons  into 
your  drawn's.  Ah !"  continued  I,  breething  a  hevvy 
'sithe  two  sho  my  affeckshun  tords  my  dawter ;  "  I  can 
remember  when  I  was  of  your  age ;  then,  I  was  young 
&  foolish,  &  so  ropoantic  into  my  mind.     I  went  to  awl 


212  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

the  corn-huskings,  the  peach  partys,  the  hanging-bees,  & 
et  more  'lection  cake  than  iny  gurl  of  my  heft  into  the 
villidge." 

"  And  was  you  gallus  on  picturs,  mother  1" 

"  Oh !  I  was  sweet  enuff  on  the  fine  art,"  sez  I,  with 
a  expressif  wink  of  my  eye ;  "  tho,  for  draw'ns,  I  never 
was  so  great  on  them  as  I  was  on  sampling,  which  1  got 
mad  with  arteemass  1  day,  &  like  to  broke  orf  the 
match,  bekaws  when  I  had  made  a  house  on  my  sani- 
plar  &  he  seen  it,  he  thawt  it  was  a  cow,  &  took  the  2 
chimblies  of  the  house  for  the  cow's  horns.  But 
arteemass  was  never  much  on  intellectooals,  <fe  he's 
nothin  but  a  poor  orfin  when  he's  left  two  hisself." 

"I  guess  you  never  had  much  taste  about  draw'ns, 
mother." 

"Never  mind  that,  dawter ;  I  had  other  things  onto 
my  mind,  getting  supper  for  the  men  fokes,  darning 
storkings,  &  churning  butter,  which  I  could  make  it 
come  quicker  than  the  hired  help.  But,  no  dowt,  I  had 
the  tallons  into  me,  ef  I  had  only  gove  up  my  mind  too 
it ;  thet  was  awl  that  was  wanted." 

"  Yes,  mother,  ef  you'd  had  a  turn  for  it,  no  dowt," 
sez  she. 

"And  now,  my  dawter,  you  air  of  an  age,  as  I  sed 
be4." 

"  Oh !  yes,  mother,  very  much  of  an  age,"  sez  she. 

"  I'm  glad  you  air  censible  of  it,"  sez  I ;  "  &  now, 


HUE  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  213 

into  the  flour  of  your  youth,  when  your  feelinks  are 
tender  like  the  blossoming  rose,  «fe  your  sperrits  are 
light,  like  the  parfume  of  a  smelling-bottle,  is  the  time 
to  impress  upon  your  mind  the  preeseps  thet  air  two 
gide  you  into  the  abyss  of  youth  &  the  ways  of  pleas- 
antness." 
'    "  Well,  what  shall  I  do  ?"  sez  Sarah  Ann. 

"  A  grate  minny  things,"  sez  I ;  "  you  can't  be  two 
keerful,  a  young  gurl  of  your  age.  You  air  verry  fort- 
night in  heving  a  mother  that  nose  how  to  bring  you 
up  into  the  rite  path,  for  man  air  prone  to  evil  &  the 
sparks  flies  upwards.  You  must  hev  an  eye  on  them 
sparks.  It's  a  warning  two  you,  my  dawter — it's  a 
warning  two  you,  my  dawter,  two  hev  an  eye  onto 
thoni  sparks." 

"I  hev  an  eye  onto  um  during  the  whole  sarvice 
whenever  I  go  to  meeting,"  sez  she  ;  "  &  I  hev  an  eye 
onto  um  whenever  I  meet  iny  of  um,  espeshully  ef  they 
hev  a  pare  of  shining  black  whiskers.  Father  thought 
I  had  too  much  two  say  two  um,  espeshully  them  thet 
goes  about  with  their  brushes  &  ^.-^alettes  taking  like- 
nesses." 

"My  dawter,  it's  ondutiful  of  you  two  throw  artee- 
mass  into  my  face,"  sez  I;  'let  arteemass  take  keer  of 
hiz  kangaroo  &  hiz  wax  figgurs.  "  Every  1  two  hiz 
trade' air  a  good  maximum.  Arteemass  .hev  not  the 
Vippassity  which  Providence  hev  gove  to  the  wife  of  his 


214  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

boozim,  which  the  feemail  mind  is  adapted  to  give  good 
advice  to  others,  &  then  they  will  never  go  rong.  At- 
tend two  me,  my  dawter,  &  never  disturb  the  reveeries 
of  your  fother  hoo  hev  hiz  own  dooty,  &  kneads  my 
advice  as  much  as  you  doo.  Now,  go,  my  dawter,  & 
let  my  instructions  sink  deep  into  your  mind,  now  into 
the  days  of  thy  youth." 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  215 


THE  THUNDEPw  STORM. 

The  wonders  of  nachuxe  air  ^yonderful  two  look  at, 
espeshally  when  it  thunders  <fe  litenerings.  Then  the 
hole  hevings  precents  the  specktacles  of  a  war  of  the 
elements.  The  trees  roars  like  a  lyon  going  about 
seeking  hoo  he  may  devour,  the  pigs  squeels  like  it  was 
killing  time,  the  river  splashes  like  soap  suds  &  there 
air  a  terrible  run  on  the  banks,  then  the  hevings  awl  of 
a  lite  blase  seems  like  they  would  split  in  sunder,  &  the 
rheum  air  so  lit  up  with  the  flash  that  there  air  know 
use  for  the  candle  as  long  as  it  lasts,  which  it  isn't  a 
grate  while  at  onct. 

We  lived,  1  seizing,  into  a  big  house  up  kuntry, 
when  there  come  on  sich  a  thunder  storm  as  never  was 
scene  by  the  oldest  inhabitant,  hoose  sands  of  life  air 
nearly  run  out. 

There  were  a  litening  rod  onto  the  house  at  1  eend, 
&  it  run  up  the  side  of  the  chimbly. 

it  kept  thundering  &  thundering,  till  at  larst  a  kiap 
come  with  sich  vovlence  thet  it  shuk  the  hole  house,  tfe 


2H]  BETSEY  JANE    WARD 

woke  up  the  twins,  who  sqwawked  rite  out  as  ef  some- 
body had  hit  um  onto  the  h^.ad  with  a  hammer. 

Arteemass  thawt  we  would  be  more  safet  down 
sullar,  but  I  motioned  that  there  were  syder  there  on 
tap,  or  something  stronger,  which  it  infloounced  his 
jugment. 

I  telled  him  the  litening  rod  was  the  grate  presarver, 
&  the  nearer  we  got  2  thet  the  more  safet  we  should 
be. 

Arteemass  sed  he  diddend  think  so. 

I  node  it  was  know  use  2  argufy  with  him,  as  he 
was  never  grate  into  the  intellectooals,  else  I  would 
maid  a  caparison.  The  litening  air  like  a  fort  in  a 
mjun  kuntry ;  the  nearer  you  can  git  2  the  fort,  the 
safeter  you  air  from  the  injuns. 

I  tolled  arteemass  ef  I  could  git  2  the  top  of  the 
house,  &  put  my  arms  around  the  litening  rod,  I  should 
feel  parfectly  safet. 

He  shook  hiz  hed,  which  it  was,  of  coarse,  bekaws 
their  air  nothing  into  it.  I  sed  no  more,  for  I  found 
out,  long  aggo,  that  it  air  of  know  use  2  argufy  with  a 
man  like  him,  which  hiz  genuis  lays  in  kangaroos  & 
wax  figgurs. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  217 


THE  ALBUM. 

My  dawters  took  a  grate  fancy  to  git  holt  of  some 
square  books,  with  guilt  kivvers,  that  they  called 
allbums,  I  never  could  see  iny  use  into  it,  tho  artee- 
mass  brawt  home  1  of  um  1  day  &;  gove  it  2  our 
oldest  dawter. 

Now,  I'm  very  pertiklar  what  sort  of  books  my 
dawters  redes,  as  I  hev  the  keer  of  their  eddycation  & 
presarve  their  morruls. 

Therefore,  as  soon  as  arteemas  was  gone  out  sez  I  2 
the  gurl :  *'  Giv  me  thet  book  for  2  nite,  &  you  shall 
hev  it  agin  into  the  morning,  ef  it's  awl  rite." 

So,  she  giv  me  the  book;(fe  I  put  it  away  tile  she  was 
^one  2  bed. 

Soon  arfturwards,  the  Presidentess  of  our  sosiety 
called  in  2  see  me  about  a  noo  member,  which  she 
wanted  2  jine  the  sosiety,  but  some  objected  2  hur  as  it 
was  sed  she  was  knot  s(»und  in  the  faith,  and  sometimes 
let  hur  huzband  hev  the  last  word, 

I  told  the  Presidentess  thet  I  was  glad  she  was  come, 

as   arteemass   had   brawt  a   book    home  2  one  of  the 

gurls,  (fe  I  would  like  two  hear  hur  opinion  onto  it  as  I 
10 


218  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

was  very  purtildar  that  nothing  of  the  kind  should  go 
into  their  hands  till  I  had  examined  it  2  see  ef  it 
was  a  proppur  book  for  the  fare  seek  2  rede. 

•The  Presidentess  sed  I  was  rite  &  she  agreed  2  stay 
till  the  gurls  had  gone  2  bed,  &  then  we  would  look 
over  it  together. 

As  soon  as  the  children  were  out  of  the  way,  I  took 
out  the  book  &  handed  it  2  the  Presidentess  <fe  arsked 
hur  opinion  of  it. 

She  opened  the  book,  and  kept  turning  over  the 
leaves  without  stopping  to  rede  iny thing  that  was  into 
it.     At  larst  I  sez :  "  What  do  you  think  of  the  book?" 

She  reached  it  back  two  me,  &  T  opened  it,  & 
couldn't  find  nothing  into  it  but  white  paper  &.two 
small  picturs. 

Arteemass  cotch  a  few  that  nite,  for  making  a  fool  of 
his  dawters  and  the  wife  of  his  boozim  by  bringing 
home  a  book  that  had  know  reding  into  it. 

Ef  it  haddur  been  april  fool  day,  I  wouldn't  hev  sed 
a  word. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  219 


THE  AFFECTIONATE  COUPLE. 

.  The  weather  hev  been  very  duburous  for  a  foo  days 
parst.  Sometime  it  reigned,  then  it  snow,  then  it  fruz, 
then  it  thaud,  &  arfture  thet  it  did  nothing  at  all  very 
kewrius,  but  there's  no  accounting^for  tastes. 

Whilst  it  was  reigning,  I  had  a  blessed  visit  from  Mr. 
Cephas  Shawboom  &  hiz  wife  hoo  is  a  lady  of  grate 
parts  every  way,  &  in  hur  size  2,  for  she  ways  300 
pounds.  They  sed  they  come  out  2  try  their  noo  um- 
berrellar.  It  air  a  bloo  one,  &  hev  rail  walebone  sticks 
&  sich  a  spread  2  it  thet  they  can  both  bee  as  komfort- 
able  as  pee  soop  under  it. 

When  I  seed  um  come  into  the  house  I  sez  :  "  Now 
ril  put  down  a  chork  mark  on  the  chimbly  back  for 
sarting,  you  air  like  an  angle's  visit  foo  &.fur  between." 

Arfture  Mrs.  Shawboom  &  we  had  kist  each  other, 
&  arteemass  had  cleared  out,  Mrs.  Shawboom  tolled 
me  awl  hur  trubbles.  She  &  hur  husband  air  the  most 
effeckshunate  kupple  that  was  ever  scene,  but  Mrs. 
Shawboom  tells  me  that  they  hev  awful  bad  nabors. 

1  wouldn't  beleeve  it  ef  she  hadn't  tolled  me,  but  she 
sez  that  when  she  was  reproving  hur  husband  for  speek- 


220  BETSEY   JANE   WAED 

]ug  to  the  landlord's  dawter,  &  looking  at  hur  as  ef  he 
admired  hur,  the  fokes  hoo  live  into  the  house  at  the 
other  eend  of  the  lane  happent  2  heer  hur,  &  they  went 
arouftd  the  villidge  telling  every  word  that  she  hud  sed 
2  hur  husband ;  &,  another  time,  when  she  was  express- 
in  hur  varchus  indignashun  bekavvs  Sam  Purkinses 
dawter  lookt  at  Bill  Wharton  awl  throo  the  sarmont,  a 
woman,  hoo  was  into  the  compinny,  had  the  imperdence 
2  tell  hur  it  was  none  of  hur  bizness  hoo  the  gal  lookt 
at. 

But  Mrs.  Shamboom  sez  she  air  wilHng  2  be  a  mar- 
ture  in  the  kaws  of  varchoo. 

Awl  the  time  Mrs.  Shawboom  were  tawkin',  hur 
husband  hev  his  eyes  fixt  onto  hur  face  with  sieh  admu- 
rashun  which  it  were  a  lesson  for  arteemass,  hoo  don't 
no  what  a  prize  he  hev  got  into  the  wife  of  his  boozim, 
like  what  Mr.  Shawboom  nose  the  vally  of  the  woman- 
kind hoo  he  has  took  2  his  hart. 

When  arteemass  come  in  two  his  vittles,  which  we 
had  pork  &  beens  that  day,  he  &  Mrs.  Shawboom  had 
a  little  discourse  about  poUyteeks,  &  Mrs.  Shawboom 
tolled  him  she  thawt  that  there  aught  2  be  two  kings 
into  this  kuntry,  one  of  um  a  man  &  the  tother  one  a 
woman. 

Then  arteemass  sed  that  ef  there  was  2  kings,  the 
kuntry  wood  be  divided  agin  itself,  as  nobody  could 
doside  betwixt  the  man  king  <fe  the  woman  king.     Then 


IIUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  221 

Mrs.  Shawboom  lifted  hur  hand  &  bravvt  it  down  with 
a  whack  onto  the  cheer  thet  made  the  cat  jump  through 
the  winder  sash,  as  she  sed  :  "  Yes,  sir,  there  wood  be 
somebody  to  deside,  for  the  woman  king  wood  deside, 
&  the  man  king  wood  hev  2  give  in  when  she  put  hur 
foot  down." 

I  never  heered  inything  so  grand  as  hur  tawk,  &,  then 
hur  husband  turned  2  arteemass  &  sed  he  :  "  Ho  !  ho  ! 
Friend  Ward,  1  think  you  find  your  match  when  you 
undertake  2  argufy  with  my  wife.  She  can't  be  beet. 
The  square  air  nothing  2  hur;  she'll  out-tawk  him  two 
to  one,  &  you  can't  heer  his  voyce  at  awl  when  my 
Ruth  gets  hur  dander  up.  She's  grate  into  an  argy- 
ment,  my  wife." 

"  That's  troo,  every  word  of  it,"  sez  I,  &  then  I  lookt 
around  2  see  ef  the  cat  had  come  back,  but  she  was  no 
whares  2  be  scene.  The  poor  crechure  was  skart  out 
of  hur  7  census,  &  the  twins  hung  onto  my  gownd  be- 
hind so  that  I  was  ashamed  of  um. 

But  arteemasss  had  got  enufF,  and  went  orf  2  his 
kangaroo  &  wax  figgurs.  Mr.  Shawboom  turned  2 
me  &  winked  when  arteemass  shut  the  door  arfture 
him.  Then  he  arsked  his  wife  2  tell  that  story  about 
her  turning  the  skoolmarster  out  of  the  skoolhouse. 
But  Mrs.  Shawboom  turned  2  her  huzband,  <fe  sez  she  : 
"  Hold  your  tung,  Cephas,  &  don't  brake  in  when  I'm  a 


022  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

tawking,  or  you  may  get  something  you  can't  digest  as 
easy  as  a  mutton  chop. 

Then  her  huzband  shct  up  rite  orf,  &  didn't  open  his 
lips  agin.  He  obade  her  like  a  little  dog.  It  was 
butiful.  They  air  sartainly  the  most  effeckshunate 
kupple  thet  I  ever  scene,  <fc  I  wish  thet  my  arteemass 
wood  take  patron  arftur  um. 

So,  Mrs.  Shawboom  tolled  me  awl  about  the  nabors, 
and  espeshully  about  Sally  Lyons  that  went  orf  to  the 
bawl  with  Josiah  Leverings  without  arsking  hur 
mother's  leaf. 

Then  they  both  left,  Mr.  Shawboom  carrying  the 
umberrellar  &  walking  behind  his  wife.  Sich  an  effeck- 
shunate kupple  !" 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  233 


VIEWS    OF    TRAVEL. 

Sometimes  arteeniass  seems  2  get  stranje  notions  into 
hiz  head.  He  hev  been  tavvking,  a  serious  of  times, 
about  going  a  broad  &  seeing  the  world.  He  sez  thet 
London  is  a  monstrus  sitty,  &  thet  iny  1  dyes  a  fool  ef 
he  hev  never  scene  London.  Then,  agin,  he  tawivs 
about  going  to  France  &  seeing  Lewee  Nappolyon  & 
telling  him  about  his  kangaroo  &  wax  figgurs.  Other 
times  he  wants  2  see  the  grate  Democrat  of  Russia,  & 
then  he  sez  he's  bound  to  see  Chiny  before  he  dyes,  & 
Jippan,  &  Afrikky,  &  awl  them  places. 

The  square  tells  him  he'd  better  see  the  remote  parts 
of  his  own  kuntry  be4  he  sets  out  a  wool-gathering 
amonst  the  crowned  heads  of  Europe.  But  I  tell  him- 
he  shan't  doo  nyther  the  1  gnaw  the  other.  When  he 
gets  out  into  them  furrin  kuiitries,  he'll  be  like  a  poor 
orfin,  for  he's  nothing  without  my  advice  &  acistunz. 

Arteemass  will  never  leaf  these  parts  without  I  go 
with  him. 

Arteemass  sez  he  wants  2  be  like  fearless  Osmiod 


224         •  BETSEY  JANE    WARD 

that  went  orf  2  kalufoniy,  &;  Mister  Columbia  that  dis- 
kivvered  Amcriky,  &  John  C.  Freemount  that  went  up 
into  the  mounting  like  Moses,  &  Sir  Walter  Riley  that 
invented  Virginny,  &  Capting  Jeemes  Cook  that  dub- 
bled  Cape  Horn.     But  I'll  dubble  his  horns  for  him,  ef 

1  ketch  him  into  going  orf  &  leaving  the  wife  of  hiz 
boozim  2  sithe  in  dreary  lonesomness,  &;  watch  the 
moon  go  down,  &  me  iiussin  a  pair  of  twins  this  bless- 
ed minnit. 

It's  rarely  seldom  that  these  he  creturs  nose  when 
they  air  well  orf,  &  when  a  man  is  blessed  with  sitch  a 
wife  as  arteemass  is,  it's  a  sort  of  blasphemia  for  him 

2  tawk  of  going  orf  &  leaving  the  same. 
I  shan't  hear  2  it ! 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  225 


SHOCKING  ACCIDENT. 

It  was  of  a  fine  April  day  when  my  cow  was  shot. 
The  diseased  was  jist  eleving  yeers  of  age  when  it  de- 
parted this  life  from  a  gun-shot  wound,  that  was  fired 
onto  the  premises  of  my  abode. 

Arteemass  &  me  was  cutting  orf  turnip-tops  into  the 
back  kitchen  when  we  hearn  a  gun  go  orf.  It  seemed  2 
be  clost  by  the  house,  and  we  both  run  out,  &  seen  a 
little  white  smoke  a  moving  away  down  the  field  that 
had  come  out  of  the  gun,  but  there  was  nobody  in 
site. 

Then  the  nabors  come  running  2  us,  &  sed  :  "  Look 
a  hear !"  So  we  looked  a  there,  &  seen  our  cow  hoo 
was  laying  onto  the  ground  &  jist  breething  hur  larst. 

I  arsked  hoo  hed  done  that,  &  everybody  sed  he 
diddend  no.  Then  me  &  arteemass  &  awl  the  rest  be- 
gin 2  search  about  the  place.  We.  lookt  behind  the 
currant  .bushes  &  we  seen  nothing  there.  Then  we 
went  down  to  the  brook  where  we  scene  nothing  but  a 
big  bull-frog  that  stuck  up  his  green  head  &  hollurd 
"Com-ing!  com-ing  !"     But  nobody  come. 

At  larst  two  of  the  nabors  sarched  a  dry  ditch  awl 
10* 


220  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

kivverd  over  with  bramble  bushes,  &  there  they  found 
a  felure  squatted  down  clost  two  the  ground  with  a' 
gun  laying  be4  him  behind  a  clump  of  urth. 

They  cotch  him  by  the  choler  of  hiz  kote  &  pulled 
him  out  of  the  place  &  hollurd  2  arteemass  &;  me. 
When  we  come  up'^to  the  place  where  they  held  him,  he 
lookt  as  white  as  a  sheet. 

"  Hear  he  is,"  sez  John  Fuller;  "  hear  is  the  rascal 
that  shot  your  cow." 

"  Yes,"  sez  T,  giving  the  wretch  a  purcing  glance ; 
"  &  it's  a  wonder  it  haddend  been  the  horse,  or  artee- 
mass, or  one  of  the  witness,  or  me  that  he  shot." 

"Well,  sed  Polly  Heartwell,  who  milks  for  the 
square ;  "  you  see  now,  likes  as  not,  the  man's  onest 
arfture  awl,  &  diddend  intend  to  doo  the  cow." 

"  Why,  yes,  madam,"  sed  the  felure,  fumbling  with 
the  lock  of  his  gun  ;  "  you  srce  I'm  hear.  I  diddend 
run  away." 

"  No,  you  sarpint !"  sed  I;  "  you  diddend  run  away 
bekaws  you  haddend  time,  but  you  played  possum 
down  into  the  bramble  bushes.  You  must  hev  had  a 
fine  time  of  it,  stuck  down  there  into  the  mud  amongst 
the  lizzuds,  <fc  snakes,  &  awl  the  other  quadrupids  that 
infestes  the  bushy  ground." 

"  Now  the  man's  hear,  perhaps  he  intends  two  pay 
for  the  cow,"  sez  Jeemes  Valentine ;  "  the  man  looks 
onest  enuff." 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  227 

And  so  he  did  ef  trimbling  like  a  leave  air  iny  sign 
of  onesty. 

"  How  upon  urth  did  you  contrive  2  shute  my  cow," 
sez  I ;  "  leastwise  you  did  it  a-proppus  ?" 

"  In  coarse,  I  didn't  doo  it  a-proppus,"  sez  he ;  "  it 
were  ontirely  a  aksident." 

"How  could  you  doo  it -by  aksident?"  sez  I. 

"  Why,  madam,"  sez  he ;  "  your  cow  warn't  no- wise 
diffikilt  2  hit,  as  she's  a  pritty  big  mark." 

"  Oh  !  you  keerless  booby  !"  sez  I ;  "  You  aught  to 
be  well  trounced  for  this." 

"  I've  got  as  good  relashuns  as  inybody  into  Baldins- 
vill,"  sez  he;  "there's  Mr.  Byrd  was  my  uncle,  & 
there's—" 

"  Your  relashuns  don't  doo  me  know  good,"  sez  I , 
"  what  I  want  air  the  pay  for  my  cow,  &  you  don't  leaf 
the  spot  till  I  get  the  worth  of  the"  animile  in  good  cur- 
rant munny." 

"  Oh !  the  man's  on  est — you  can  see  thet,"  sez  one. 

"  Yes,  the  man's  onest,"  sez  another. 

"What's  h'ls  onesty  to  me?  Will  thet  pay  me  for 
my  cow  f  sez  I. 

"My  relayshuns  air  as  good  as  them  that  blows  me 
up,"  sez  the  felure. 

"  Yes,  the  man's  onest,"  sez  a  nigger  wench,  looking 
at  him  as  ef  she'd  node  him  from  a  infant. 

"Then  it's  time  I  seen  the  kullur  of  his  munny,"  sez 


228  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

I ;  "  ef  the  man's  onest  why  don't  he  pay  me  for  my 
cow." 

"You  see  I  didn't  try  to  run  away,"  sez  he;  "as 
thet  lady  sez,  I  stayed  about  hear  onto  the  ground." 

"  Yes,  you  was  onto  the  ground,  you  pesky  good-for- 
nothing  tode — hid  down  amongst  the  bramble-bushes 
like  snake-into-the-grass.     Pay  me  for  my  cow  !" 

The  felure  turned  &  twisted,  &  played  with  his  gun 
&  diddend  no  what  2  doo  with  hisself ;  then  1  node  he 
haddend  got  the  munny,  &  that  maid  me  madder  than 
ever,  &  jist  as  I  was  about  two  split  onto  him  wuss 
than  ever,  John  Boyle,  the  big  butcher,  come  up,  & 
offurd  2  take  the  cow  orf  my  hands  ef  I'd  say  know 
more  about  it. 

Arteemass  sed  we'd  better  let  John  hev  the  cow,  ef 
he'd  send  back  the  animil's  hide.  So,  arftur  giving  the 
shuting  felure  a  purcing  glance,  &  toUd  John  2  take  the 
cow  &  he  aggreed  two  pay  the  worth  of  it,  &  I  went 
into  the  house. 

It  seems  that  Mary  Boyle  the  butcher's  dawter — a 
bucksome,  romping  crittur  with  big  black  eyes — had 
took  pity  onto  the  felure  that  shot  the  cow,  &  went  & 
maid  hur  father  buy  the  cow.  The  felure  purseeved 
awl  that,  &  Mary's  black  eyes  went  right  2  his  hart  so 
that  he  couldn't  rest  nite  nor  day  till  he'd  popt  the 
question.     She  snapt  him  rite  up,  &  they  was  married. 

As  for  arteemass,  as  soon  as  he  got  the  cow's  hide, 


DUIi  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  229 

he  stuffed  it  awl  nice,  &  put  it  into  the  sho  &  exibited 
the  crittur  as  the  Bull  of  Missouri.  Somebody  tolled 
him  that  was  the  name  they  gove  2  Tom  Benton,  the 
father  of  our  Jessie.  Arteemass  sed  that  maid  know 
odds,  for  ef  he  never  noo  before  that  the  Bull  of  Mis- 
souri was  a  man,  very  foo  others  wood  no  it. 


230  BETSEY  JANE  WAKii 


A  WANDERL\G  MINSTREL. 

When  we  were  exibiting  down  into  Massychoosets, 
at  a. place  called  Grafton,  we  had  an  old  man  come  by 
the  tent  in  gray  close  that  was  ragged  &  a  hat  reddy  2 
drop  2  pieces. 

He  was  old,  &  he  wawkt  with  a  long  cain  crooked  at 
the  top,  he  stooped  over,  &  the  shape  of  his  back  was 
like  the  top  of  a  hoop,  his  hare  was  long  &  gray,  &  his 
cheeks  were  rinkled  like  a  pare  of  belluses  ;  his  head 
trimbled  as  ef  it  was  loose  onto  his  shoiders,  &  might 
drop  orf  some  day. 

There  was  a  spring  neer  our  tent  onto  the  oppuzzit 
side  of  the  rode;  he  M'ent  over  2  the  spring,  he  pulled 
a  big  shell  out  of  his  cote  pocket,  &  bent  over  the 
spring  &  ladled  up  his  shell  full  of  water  &  drank  it. 
Then  he  hawld  an  old  cotton  hankercher  out  of  his  hat 
&  wipt  his  mouth,  &  sot  down  onto  the'  long  green 
grass  &  fecht  a  hevvy  si  the. 

He  turned  his  face  tords  the  tent  ;  he  seen  me  look- 
ing at  him,  he  turned  away  his  eyes  <k  lookt  down.    So 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  281 

I  purseevd  that  he  diddent  want  2  be  lookt  at,  he  had- 
dent  know  ambition  to  *be  "  the  obsarved  of  all  obsar- 
viirs." 

So  I  lookt  at  him  from  behind  the  canvass,  throo  a 
hole,  &  sawn  him  take  out  a  crust  of  bread  &  soften  it 
in  the  water,  &  then  he  began  to  ete.  He  sot  there  a 
long  time ;  it  was  a  fine  day  &  the  sun  shined  out  brite, 
the  burds  was  hopping,  about  galorius,  <fc  they  sung 
their  songs  as  ef  they  were  working  by  the  job. 

I  wondurd  what  that  old  man  cood  be  thinking  about. 
Nobody  keerd  for  him  <fe  so  he  keerd  for  nobody,  were 
the  idee  that  run  into  my  head.  *  His  branes  must  be 
awl  dride  away,  his  feelinks  must  be  awl  evappurrated, 
those  hart  must  hev  seized  two  feel,  he  jest  lived  like  a 
ded  tree  onto  the  urth  that  produses  know  froot,  & 
was  know  good  to  hisself  gnaw  to  noboddy  elce. 

But  arteemass  went  down  to  the  spring  for  some 
water  two  give  the  wild  beastesses,  &  he  spoke  two  the 
old  man,  &  the  fust  I  node  he  &  the  old  felure  was 
heading  for  the  tent,  tho  I  thunk  to  myself,  "we  don't 
keep  a  place  for  the  lazyrony."  * 

The  old  man  aught  two  took  orf  hiz  hat  two  me,  as 
I'm  1  of  the  fare  seek,  but  he  only  nodded  hiz  head. 
He  sot  down  onto  a  big  stone  by  the  door  of  the  tent, 
&  arteemass  got  him  two  sing  a  song.  He  struck  up 
"  Brave  Woolfe,"  how  he  was  shot  down  be4  Quebeck, 
onto  the  Planes  of  Abraham  be4  the  sitty,  but  he  sed 


232  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

nothing  about  Lot's  wife  hoo  must  have  been  round,  at 
that  time,  nor  the  fire  and  brimstone  thet  rained  down, 
only  that 

He  lift  up  hiz  head  where  bullets  rattle 
Aud  sez  he,  how  goes  the  battle  ? 

It  don't  say  whether  be  got  a  telegram  from  home 
be4  he  dide.  The  purtickulurs  of  thet  histerry  is  verry 
luce. 

The  peeple  begun  two  grumble  into  England,  & 
thawt  Woolfe  was  no  grate  parsnips  ;  when  he  hearn  of 
it,  he  put  in  awl  he  noo,  &,  that  way,  he  come  to  hiz 
death,  which  woodent  hev  happent  ef  he'd  got  a  substi- 
tute &  hired  a  niggur  two  doo  hiz  fiting. 

He  fit  in  Cannydee.  They  was  Frenchmen  then,  & 
I  kornclude  that  Woolfe  was  kilt  becaws  he  dident 
know  how  too  fiite  in  French,  heving  only  had  a  Eng- 
lish eddukashun. 

When  the  old  man  had  dun  hiz  song,  arteemas  gin 
him  a  spoonful  of  Noo  England  rum,  &  arsked  him  hiz 
,  name.  He  sed  hiz  name  was  Brown,  &  he  used  to  own 
a  farm,  but  he  got  two  speckuUating  into  eastern  lands 
&,  lost  everything.  Arfture  that,  he  jined  a  party 
called  the  Town  Poor,  &,  every  yeer,  he  was  sold  two 
somebody  that  was  pade  a  sarting  sum  of  munny  for 
keeping  him,  &  hoo  maid  up  the  diffrunz  by  gitting  awl 
the  work  out  of  him  that  he  could  doo ;  but,  lately  he 
gin  out,  <fc  could  doo  know  more  work ;  so  they  took  it 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  233 

oat  by  making  him  sleep  in  the  shaze-house  on  straw 
&  allowing  him  moldy  bread  &;  water  for  hiz  meels. 

He  was  sold  the  last  time  for  a  hire  price  than  ever, 
only  the  seller,  &  not  the  buyer,  pade  the  price. 

"  They  tawlv  about  this  krewel  war,"  sez  the  old 
man  ;  "  &  they  say  what  a  pitty  it  air  that  so  minny 
yung  men  air  cut  orf  into  the  prime  of  life;  but,  I  tell 
ye,  there's  minny  a  poor  felure  thet  will  come  out  of 
this  war  with  a  hole  skin  hoo  will  live  two  wish  that  he 
had  lade  his  bones  into  hiz  mother  urth,  into  his  young 
days  &  the  flour  of  his  youth.  Ef  they  don't,  they'll 
be  more  fortnight  than  the  dekrippit  old  cretur  that 
stands  be4  you  now." 

Then  I  giv  the  old  cretur  a  purcing  glance,  &  sez  I : 
"  Tut !  tut !  old  man,  you  hev  know  rite  two  grumble 
at  the  ways  of  Providunce;  you  aught  two  be  rezined 
to  whatever  happens  two  you,  Ss  be  thankful  it's  know 
^vusser,  which  it's  done  for  some  wise  purpus,  know 
dowt." 

"  Know  worse  !"  sez  he ;  "  pray,  madam,  hev  you  a 
home  of  your  own  1'* 

"  Yes,"  sez  I. 

"  Wait  then,"  sez  he  ;  "  till  you've  seen  your  home- 
stead parse  into  the  hands  of  stranjurs,  &;  your  children's 
graves  plowed  up  two  make  room  for  planting  a  few 
more  colonels  of  corn.  Wait  till  you  make  a  home 
with  stranjers,  in  your  old  age,  hoo  begrude  you  the 


234  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

very  apple-parings  thet  you  eat,  &  the  straw  upon 
which  you  stretch  your  aking  bones  at  nite.  Wait  till 
3'ou  are  sold  like  a  piece  of  old  carrion  in  the  shambles, 
thet  those  hoo  hev  bawt  you- turn  up  their  noses  at 
you  as  they  take  you  away,  children  gape  at  you  as 
you  parse  their  doors,  &  the  very  dogs  air  two  well  fed 
twe  share  your  dinner  ;  &  when  you  dye,  there  will  be 
joy  instead  of  sorrow  thet  1  more  burden  has  been 
lifted  from  the  sholdurs  of  the  wealthy.  Wait  till  you 
see  those  days,  madam ;  wait  till  you  air  1  of  the  Town 
Poor,  &  then  come  two  mo  &  tawk  of  rezignashun,  & 
grumbling  at  the  will  of  Providunz,  &  I'll  listen  2  you 
with  all  my  hart,  for  you  will  be  a  mirrikle  then."    • 

I  do  hate  to  see  a  dissatisude  person,  &  seeing  that 
sich  was  hiz  voo  of  things,  I  sed  no  more  two  him, 
that  he  might  take  the  hint  &  cut  out  as  quick  as  poss- 
ible. 

So  he  kind  o'  wiped  hiz  eyes  with  hiz  sleeve,  &  turned 
orf.  Jist  as  he  got  as  far  as  the  kornur  of  the  tent, 
our  dog  Jewel  gove  a  jump  at  him  <fc  bit  a  piece  out  of 
hiz  leg. 

I  called  Jewel  back  &  arsked  him  if  he  warn't 
ashamed  two  bite  a  man  that  was  older  than  hisself. 

"  Never  mind,"  sed  the  old  man  ;  "  don't  blame  your 
dog,  Madam ;   he   knows   it's   nobody   but   the   town 
poor." 
-  Then  the  old  felure  travelled  orf,  for  he'd  got  a  good 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  '  235 

ways  to  go  be4  he  got  home.  I  was  glad  to  heer  he 
didn't  live  in  Grafton,  for  I  was  shure  the  fokes  that 
had  the  findinsj  of  hiz  vittles  couldn't  afford  two  coma 
&  see  the  wax  figgurs. 


230  '  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


THE  PIir.ENOLOGIST. 

Mr.  Batty  come  into  our  parts  two  leckchoor  on 
frinnology,  that  was  two  tell  the  peple  what  they  was 
by  looking  at  their  heads. 

Arteemass  sed  he  would  take  me,  as  he  wanted  to 
find  out  what  sort  of  a  wife  he  had  got.  [  tolld  him  I 
didn't  keer  to  find  out  what  sort  of  a  huzband  I  had 
got,  as  I  node  already,  &  diddn't  want  to  know  any 
more  of  the  same  sort. 

But  I  thawt  I  wood  jist  see  what  the  frinnology  man 
wood  say  about  me,  as  I  alius  node  I  must  hev  a  fust 
rate  head.  When  we  got  into  the  lecktur  rheum,  we 
found  everybody  there.  I  went  &  sot  down  by  the 
square's  wife,  &  she  enquired  arfture  the  twins,  &  tolld 
me  that  Josire  Byrd's  wife  was  going  two  giv  a  party 
in  hopes  two  work  orf  hur  dawter  Jane  hoo  w^as  old 
enuff  two  be  marrid.  They  had  hopes  of  ketching  the 
minister's  son. 

The  leckchoorur  stood  behind  a  desk,  &  there  was  a 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  237 

white  hed  be4  him,  onto  the  desk  that  had  figgurs  awl 
over  it,  &  they  sed  it  was  maid  of  plaster-parris. 

He  begun  to  tawk,  &  used  a  heep  of  long  words  that 
I  can't  remember.  But  I  couldn't  kornseeve  how  he 
could  tell  what  was  inside  of  peple's  heds  by  feeling  of 
the  outside. 

Arfture  he'd  got  throo  with  hiz  tawk,  he  arsked 
somebody  2  come  up  &  show  their  hed.  I  jumpt  up, 
but  a  pesky  gurl  named  Susan  Smith  sot  nearer  than 
me,  &  she  got  there  be4  me. 

I  gove  hur  a  purcing  gaze  two  let  hur  no  that  I 
notissd  hur  capurs,  &  then  the  leckchoorur  begun  two 
paw  over  her  hed.  Sez  he  :  "  You  hev  the  amiable 
quallities  fust  rate." 

As  soon  as  Batty  was  done  with  hur,  I  jumpt  up 
aL'in,  but  a  young  man  got  there  be4  me.  Think  of  a 
felure  acting  this  way  2  a  feemail  hoo  was  old  enuff  2 
be  hiz  mother  ! 

Batty  felt  of  the  young  man's  hed  a  little  while,  <fe 
then  dropt  him  like  a  hot  puttatur,  &  sez  he  :  "  My 
friend,  you  lack  1  thing  very  much,  &  that  is  fme-tooth- 
combitiveness.  I  advise  you  two  cultivate  thet  senti- 
ment as  much  as  possible." 

"  Who  comes  next  ?" 

Then  everybody  larfed,  &  whilst  they  was  larfing,  1 
got  up  (fe  went  two  the  desk.     I  took  orf  my  bunnit  & 


238  BETSEY  JANE  WAR 

laid  it  onto  the  desk,  &  everybody  lookt  up  two  see 
what  sort  of  a  hed  the  frinnologist  wood  give  me. 

Batty  begun  2  feel  of  my  hed,  &  sez  he :  "  You've 
got  grate  combatturness." 

"  What's  that  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Why,"  sez  Batty,  "  ef  you  seen  inybody  abusing 

your  husband,  for  instunz,  you'd  like  to  punish  him  for 

it." 

"  How  about  the  twins  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Ef  inybody  abused  your  children,"  sez  he;  "you'd 
be  as  indignant  as  a  tigress  robbed  of  hur  whelps." 

"  W^helps  !"  sez  I ;  "  my  children  whelps  !  My 
twins  air  like  whelps,  you  say  1  I  could  scratch  your 
eygs  out.  Arteemass,  do  you  heer  that.  Now  I  don't 
bleeve  you  no  iny thing  about  frinnology — I  don't 
bleeve  I've  got  iny  of  your  combattureness  nor  no- 
thing  " 

Here  the  aujience  awl  began  two  larf  so  loud  that  I 
couldn't  heer  myself  tawk  &,  1  man  hollured  out : 
"  This  is  frinnology  exemplifide.  3  cheers  for  the  sho- 
man's  wife.  Go  in.  Batty,  you've  hit  the  nale  onto  the 
hed  this  time." 

But,  I  woodent  heer  another  word,  &  I  put  on  my 
bunnit  &  run  down  the  ile  two  where  arteemass  sot,  & 
sez  I :  "  come,  arteemass,  less  get  out  of  this  place  as 
quick  as  we  can ;  I'm  going  home.     My  twins  whelps!' 

Then  I  shook  my  finger  at  Batty  &  sez  :  "  Look  out 


HUE  BOOK  OF   G0AK3.  039 

young  man,  you've  got  to  pay  for  calling  my  children 
whelps,  hear  before  awl  this  aujience.  It's  deffimation 
of  karaktur!" 

Then  the  aujience  haw-haw'd  rite  out,  &  I  cut  as  fast 
as  I  could,  followed  by  arteemass. 

We  streeked  it  for  home,  &  that's  the  last  frinnology 
ever  I  went  two.     My  twir.s  whelps  ! 


240  BETSEY  JANE  WARD. 


THE  ACTOR. 

It  was  a  plessant  day  into  the  month  of  October 
■when  arteemass  &  me  was  seated  at  the  door  of  our 
tent  looking  for  customers,  that  there  come  along  a 
flashy  chap,  with  pantilloon  straps  so  tight  that  they 
most  Ufted  him  orf  the  ground. 

When  he  come  opperzit  two  the  tent,  he  kind  o'  hafF 
stopt  &  looked  over  our  heads  which  it  gove  us  a  fine 
view  of  his  chin  &  neck-hankercher.  At  larst  he  took 
2  steps  tords  us,  stretched  out  his  arm  like  a  pump- 
handle,  &  sez  :  "  Is  it  a  circus  that  I  see  be4  me  ?" 

"  No,  it's  a  tent,"  sez  arteemass;  "will  you  come  in 
«fe  see  the  wax  figgurs  ;  got  a  fust  rate  Kangaroo — only 
15  scents  two  see  the  whole!" 

He  struck  the  parm  of  his  hand  onto  his  weskit,  & 
sed  :  "It  air  my  custom  two  entertane,  &;  not  to  be  en- 
tertaned,  I  am  of  the  socks  &  buckshin  :" 

So  arteemass  jumpt  up  <fe  lookt  at  his  fine  close  <fe 
noo  boots,  <fe  he  begun  two  feel  skart  with  respect,  & 
sez  arteenn-iss  :   "  Hoo  hev  I  the  oner  2  address  ?" 

"My  name's   Peter  Brown,"  ansurd  the  young  man. 


HUR  BOOK   OF  GOAKS.  241 

*'  Ah  !  yes,"  sez  artccmass  ;  "  I'm  so  badly  posted  at 
prezzent  that  I'm  quite  oblivyus  of  our  grate  american 
trajeedins — hevn't  scene  a  play-bill  this  6  munce — hope 
it's  no  offense,  sir.     Raly  I'm  glad  to  see  you." 

"  Take  a  fingur,"  sez  the  grate  actor;  poking  out  the 
four-fingur  of  his  glove  to  arteemass. 

Arteemass  took  holt  of  the  finger  &  gove  it  a  little 
squeeze,  <fc  sez  he  :  "  You  play  in  the  city  no  dowt  1" 

"  When  I  play  at  awl,"  sez  the  actor ;  "  at  prezzent, 
like  minny  others  hoo  shook  the  world  with  their  jeen- 
yus,  I  labor  under  a  lack  of  appreeshiashun." 

"  You  lack  appreeshiashun  !"  sez  arteemass,  hoo  was 
afeerd  he  w'anted  two  borro  his  boss ;  "  what's  that,  sir  ? 
With  munny,  you  no " 

"  Tush,  friend  !"  sez  the  actor ;  "  with  munny  I  cood 
by  a  house,  I  no  ;  but  I  wish  two  be  indetted  two  my 
own  jeenyus  for  sukcess." 

"  Then,  why  don't  ye  *?"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Ay,  that's  the  word,"  sez  he  ;  "  that  brings  us  two 
the  pint  at  onct — lack  of  appreeshiashun." 

"  Then,  why  don't  you  get  that  air  ?"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Old  man  !"  sez  he  ;  "  you  take  me  not — the  wind 
sets  into  the  roug  qwarter ;  yet,  I  dur  say,  when  it  is 
Sutherly,  you  no  a  hock  from  a  hansaw.  I  am  not 
appreeshiated,  sir.  That  is  2  say  my  talons  air  over- 
lookt — I  am  underrated.  Envy,  oldest  baron  of  hell, 
snnp?  at  me,  jelhfssy  is  like  a  worrum  i'  the  bud,  tfc 
11 


242  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

wile    the    grass  grows — fuugh  !  the  proverb  air  some 
what  musty.     Thiiilv  you,  imperial    Cesar   lookt   this 
way  ?     Alas  !  poor  Yorick  !'' 

Then  I  seed  he  was  a  grate  actor,  &  I  arsked  him  ef 
he  wouldn't  hev  a  bit  of  dinner. 

"Hunger — thirst — poverty — awl,  awl  air  less  than 
nothing  two  the  ambishus  sole."  sez  he ;  "  had  it  pleezd 
heving  2  steep  me  in  poverty  2  the  very  lips — Per- 
dition ketch  my  sole,  but  I  doo  love  thee !  Blistured 
be  thy  tung  for  the  word,  he  was  not  born  for  shame — 
Hah  !" 

I  looked  at  arteemass  two  see  what  he  was  sroinfr  2 
doo  about  it. 

"  Ef  I  take  your  idee,",  sez  arteemass  ;  "  they  don't 
give  you  mutch  two  doo  into, your  line?" 

He  waved  his  hand,  &  turned  up  his  knows,  &;  razed 
his  eyebrows. 

"  Pshaw  !"  sez  he ;  "  they  air  incapable  of  distin- 
guishin  a  preshus  jule  from  a  grain  of  barley,  like  le 
cog  grattant  sur  un  fumierT 

"  When  did  you  play  last  ?*'  sez  arteemass. 

"  Ask  me  not."  sez  the  actor  ;  "  lest  you  stir  the  bile 
within  me.  They  think  I  lack  gall  2  make  oppression 
bitter." 

"  I  don't  no  nothing  about  your  galls,  nor  yure  jules, 
nor  your  bailey,  nor  your 'preeshiashuns"  sez  arteemass; 
"  but  ef  you're  good  for  inything  at  your  trade,  I  korn- 


HUR  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  243 

elude  you  mite  find  something  two  doo  at  it  where  the 
theayturs  air." 

"  Igrunz — stupid  igrunz  !"  sez  the  actor ;  "  consult 
the  lower  of  the  classicks,  old  man,  the  lurnid  lower,  & 
what  see  you  there  ?  Was  Kullumbus  appreeshiated  ? 
Was  Fitch  appreeshiated  1  Was  even  Saint  Peter  ap- 
preeshiated when  he  was  crucifide  with  his  head  hanging 
down  ?  Was  iny  grate  jeenyus  ever  appreeshiated, 
from  Chatterton  two  Poe,  till  the  saxon  duij  a  p-ulf  be- 
twixt  him  &  the  girdon  that  the  repentant  public  held 
out  2  him  ?  They're  grate  at  crowning  corpses,  this 
yere  public,  &  a  death's  head  with  a  laurel  wreath  onto 
it  air  a-simble  of  poppulur  appreeshiashun." 

"  I  never  seed  none  of  um,"  sez  arteemass  ;  '*  them's 
the  iiatomies  into  the  doctor  shop  thet  you're  tawking 
about.  I  never  seen  none  on  um  with  crowns  on,  dead 
nor  alive.  You  must  -be  a  forrinner  ;  jou're  uset  two 
the  crowned  heads  of  Europe.  W^e've  got  none  of 
them  air  into  this  kuntry." 

"Uneasy  lies  the  head  that  wears  a  crown,"  sez  he; 
"Madam,  1  salute  you  &  depart.     Adieu  !" 

As  soon  as  he  was  gone,  arteemass  fell  into  a  brown 
study,  &  I  thunk  we  mite  hev  maid  a  gray  deel  of 
munny  by  getting  him  2  speek  his  peeces  into  the  tent. 
At  larst  I  arsked  arteemass  what  he  was  thinking  on. 

"  I'm  thinking,"  sez  he ;  "  what  cussid  fools  taylors 
i*ir,  (fe  how  easy  sich  felures  as  thet  can  come  orer  um." 


244'  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 


A  REMARKABLE  INCIDENT. 

Larst  night,  when  I  retired  2  the  arms  of  Morfuous 
2  take  my  usual  rippose,  everything  seamed  parfeckly 
rite,  &  I  seen  nothing  going  on  of  a  ornery  nachor ;  but 
when  I  woke  up  this  morning,  I  found  a  vacancy  in  the 
tent,  of  1  hooman  being,  2  whit  arteemass,  &  the  follow- 
ing letter  laying  onto  the  table  : 

My  deer  Betsey  Jane  : — Now  don't  take  on  &  think 
hard  of  your  beloved  husband,  for  some  things  hap- 
pens as  well  as.  others,  &  agrey  deel  more  so. 

I've  tawkt  2  you  a  long  time  about  going  onto  my 
travel  2  pick  up  informashun  &  get  some  kewriositiee 
for  the  sho,  &  you  hev  sed  I  shouldn't  go,  &  that  you 
woodn't  never  giv  your  kornsent,  so  that  I've  been 
obleeged  2  doo  it  kind  o'  promiskus  like,  &  two  hev  my 
travellin  gear  got  reddy  up  at  the  tavyiirn,  so  that  I 
cood  start  from  there  urly  into  the  morning  without 
disturbin'  your  rippose,  as  you  never  liked  two  be  broke 
of  your  natchooral  rest  be4  sunrise  into  the  morning. 

I  hope  you'll  own  arfture  thJM  that  I've  got  some  del- 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  245 

likissy  arfture  awl,  sense  I've  been  so  keerful  not  two 
disturb  your  sleep,  &  hev  gone  orf  quiet  as  a  lamb. 

Some  ornery  peple  mite  sey  that  I  aught  two  tolled 
you  I  was  going,  &  bid  you  fair  well  when  I  left ;  but 
I  hope  I'm  not  tliat  hard-hearted  creetur  that  wood  hev 
woke  you  up  2  pain  your  feeling  hart  with  the  nooze 
that  your  beloved  arteemass  were  settin  out  onto  a  long 
gurney.  I  coodn't  think  of  that,  &  I  coodn't  hev  bore 
two  witness  the  tender  intervoo  that  wood  hev  took 
place  betwixt  us  on  the  effecting  okkasion.  It  wood 
hev  been  2  much  for  my  feelinks  2  witness  your  greef 
at  parting  from  your  beloved  artemus,  &  there4  I  went 
orf  without  disturbing  your  artless  &  blissful  slumbers. 

It's  quite  bnsartain  how  long  I  shall  be  gone,  &  you 
needn't  right  me  a  letter  till  you  heer  from  me,  as  you 
won't  no  where  I  am,  <fe  tho  I'm  well  known  about  Bal- 
diiisville,  the  postmarster  won't  exackly  no  how  2  git 
onto  my  trail  without  the  rite  direckshun. 

I  needn't  tell  you  2  take  good  keer  of  the  twins  &  of 
the  sho,  as  you'll  doo  that  as  well  as  T  cood  myself;  & 
it's  a  grate  kumfort,  on  leeving  home,  2  no  that  1  is  left 
behind  hoo  nose  how  2  take  keer  of  the  wax  fi^jgurs, 
the  kangaroo,  &  the  twins. 

You  will  be  delited  2  learn  that  I'm  in  fftst  rate  helth 
&  sperrits  in  setting  out  onto  my  gurney,  <fe  never  felt 
happier  into  my  life.     That's  becaws  I've  got  so  much 


246  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

kornfidunz  into  you,  Betsey  Jane,  &  no  that  you'll  take 
fust  rate  keer  of  things  wile  I'm  gone. 

I  shall  think  of  you  Mile  I'm  away,  awl  about  the 
butiful  times  we've  had  together  &  the  plezzunt  <fe 
amyable  dispersition  that  you've  alius  shode  tord  me, 
&  that'll  giv  me  kurridge  two  travel  with  the  more 
speed,  &  2  go  amongst  those  clime  whitch  air  among 
the  aunt  Tippodees,  knowing  I  shall  hev  your  prayers 
for  my  welfair  &  safet  return. 

I've  now  took  this  way  two  bid  you  fjiirwell,  as  I 
couldn't  bare  the  hart-rending  seen  of  a  pursonal  inter- 
voo  &  lissen  two  the  tender  anksieties  that  you  wood 
express  for  my  safety,  tho  I  don't  think  there's  iny 
danger  as  it's  only  every  other  steamer  that  gets  blowed 
up  in  going  down  the  Massysippy,  &  the  cars  don't  hev 
a  collishun  mourn  three  times  a  weak,  &  you  no  I  was 
alius  lucky  in  the  lottery;  so,  I  hev  a  reezonable  hope 
that  I  shall  be  1  of  the  fortnight  for  that  don't  get 
scalded,  or  his  head  caved  in  by  them  acksidence. 
Yours  two  sarve, 

Ai^TEEMAs  Ward. 

I  jist  had  pashunce  enuff  to  get  throo  the  reeding  of 
this  letter,  thb  I  was  on  nettles  awl  the  time,  &,  as  soon 
as  I  was  done,  I  put  on  my  bonnit  &  run  rite  up  two 
the  tavyrn.  I  busted  into  the  bar  rheum,  &  found  the 
land  Lord  at  home.     He  node  what  was  cumming,  &; 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  047 

he  doged  his  head  down  behind  the  bar ;  but  he  was  2 
late,  for  I  had  ketched  sight  of  his  ugly  mug. 

"  So,"  sez  I ;  "  you  air  the  man  that  helps  a  husband 
away  from  his  wife,  with  your  plottins  &  contrivins. 
It's  into  this  house  that  the  whole  thing  was  arranjed  as 
I'm  creditably  informed.  Now,  jist  bring  out  that 
grey  mayor  of  yourn  &  put  the  side-saddle  onto  her,  <fe 
giv  me  the  direckshun  which  arteemass  hev  took,  or  I'll 
make  this  yere  villidge  two  hot  2  holt  you." 

Then  he  popt  up  his  head  &  shode  hisself  2  my  yoo, 
&  begun  to  purtest  thet  he  was  as  innercent  as  the  on- 
born  child,  <fe  bleeved  thet  arteemass  w^ere  only  gone  2 
Smootsville  2  get  an  advertisement  put  into  the  paper. 

"  You  know  better,  you  vilyon,"  sez  I ;  "no  more 
words  about  it,  but  bring  out  your  boss  !" 

When  he  seed  I  w^as  dead  arnest,  he  found  that  he'd 
got  2  obey  my  orders,  for  he  was  afeard  I'd  hev  him 
up  for  kornspeeracy  to  kidnap  my  husband  from  me. 

He  brought  out  the  mayor  &  put  the  side-saddle 
onto  her,  &  gove  me  the  direckshun  what  arteemass 
had  tool^. 

I  got  onto  the  saddle  &  went  thro  thet  villidge  two 
up  &  two  down,  making  the  dust  fly  &  the  peple  thro 
up  their  windurs,  into  every  direckshun,  2  see  what  was 
the  matter.  I  kornsidur  that  everybody  seen  some 
tall  travelling  that  morning. 

I   ci'ost   the  rail-road  tract  onto  the  jump  about  2 


248  BETSEY   JANE    WARD 

seckonds  be4  the  injine  parst  the  s<ame  spot,  <fe  I  bleeve, 
akkorcling.2  all  akkounts,  that  my  hoss's  tale  brushed 
the  injinear's  face  as  he  went  by. 

Artcemass  node  I  wood  never  kornsent  2  his  going 
orf.  I'd  told  him  so  a  hundurd  times.  He'd  begged  & 
begged,  &  I  had  alius  said  "  No ;"  &  now,  the  idea  thet 
he  should  go  orf  into  that  sly  way — oh !  woodn't  I  giv 
it  2  him  when  I  ketched  him  ! 

I  rid  &  I  rid,  &  the  housen  &  fences  seamed  two  be 
awl  running  the  other  way.  That  mayor  never  pulled 
foot  be4  as  she  did  that  time  ;  she  seemed  2  n©  that  1 
of  hur  seek  had  been  cheated,  &  she  did  accorduntly. 

Whenever  I  parst  inybody  onto  the  rode,  they  turned 
their  heads  to  look,  &  I  was  getting  on  finely,  &  should 
hev  ketched  arteemass  ef  some  onery  cuss  in  the  vil- 
lidge  of  Brandon,  haddent  razed  a  report  thet  I  was  a 
reble  spy  hoo  was  running  away  from  justiss.  Then 
about  50  patriots  gove  chace  2  me,  some  on  bosses, 
some  into  waggins,  &  some  on  foot. 

The  mayor  had  got  kind  o'  limpy  by  thet  time,  &  I 
seen  they  wood  ketch  up  with  me,  &  so  I  stopt  just  to 
explain  the  facts,  but  they  come  up  and  hauled  me  rite 
orf  the  boss  &  woodn't  hear  a  word,  but  shut  me  up  in 
prizzun,  &  two  briggadears  swore  they'd  scene  me  into 
Loosianny  nussing  rebel  sogers  mourn  a  duzzen  times. 

But  I  sent  a  note  to  the  square,  into  Baldinsville,  hoo 
come  &  got  me  out. 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  249 


A   DOUBLE  LOSS. 

Ao  soon  as  I  come  out  of  prizzim,  I  lookt  around  for 
the  gray  mayor,  &  found  that  two  patriots  had  confis- 
cated hur  <fe  carried  hur  off  two  parts  unknoon. 

I  maid  a  grate  adieu  about  it,  &  scolded  the  peple 
that  took  me  2  prizzunur  for  not  keeping  my  hoss  in 
safety  for  me,  but  they  sed  that  when  a  purson  was 
took  up  (fe  suspicioned  of  disloyalty,  he  ought  to  think 
hisself  lucky  two  get  orf  with  a  hole  skin,  whether  he 
was  gilty  or  not,  without  expecting  to  see  his  propperty 
into  the  bargain ;  <fe  they  said  that  mine  was  the  first 
case  where  any  one  that  was  akkewzed  had  ever  got 
cleer.  - 

"  But  that  don't  pay  me  for  the  hoss,  nor  punish  the 
thiefs  that  stoled  him,"  sez  L 

"  Mind  how  you  tawk  !"  sez  they ;  "  the  men  that 
took  your  hoss  air  good  loyal  men,  &  ef  you  call  them 
hard  names,  you  can  be  tride  by  a  milletary  com- 
mishun  for  ading  and  abeting  the  inimy  &  striking  at 
the  life  of  the  nation." 

So,  I  thawt  of  the  twins   and  korncluded  it  was  the 


250  BETSEY   JANE  WAKD 

safest  plan  2  treet  them  with  silent  kuntemp,  &;  I  gove 
them  a  purcing  glance,  &  got  into  the  shaze  &  rid  back 
2  Baldinsyille  with  the  square. 

I  haddend  been  at  home  long  be4  Sarah  Ann  come 
&;  toUd  m.e  that  the  land  Lord  of  the  tavyun  had  kawld 
2  see  me, 

"  What's  your  wish  ?"  sez  I,  when  he  come  into  my 
presence,  holding  his  hat  into  his  hand. 

"  The  mayor,"  sez  he  ;  "  of  coarse  she  is  safet ;  will 
}ou  tell  me  w^here  she  is,  &  into  hoose  kusstoddy  you 
hev  left  hurl" 

"  Well,  I  gis  they  can  tell  you  hoo  has  got  hur,  ef  you 
enkwire  down  in  Brandon,"  sez  I;  "they  telled  me  thet 
2  loyal  men  had  got  hur  &  karried  hur  orf,  but  they 
diddent  eggzackly  no  where  the  men  lived.  Praps 
they  can  tell  you  the  men's  names,  ef  you  enkwire  into 
Brandon." 

"  Thunder,  madam  !  thet  hoss  of  mine  is  stoled  !"  sez 
he  ;  "  you'll  pay  for  that  hoss,  madam — you'll  pay  for 
hur  individooUy,  you  will." 

"  Not  ef  my  name's  Betsey  Jane  Ward,"  sez  I,  giv- 
ing him  a  purcing  glance  ;  '^I  took  the  hoss  for  a  sar- 
tin  purpus&  had  no  hand  into  steeling  hur.  You  got> 
away  my  husband  arteemass  Ward,  you  helped  him  to 
run  away  from  his  better  haff,  and  hev  turned  thet 
poor,  good-for-nothing  orfin  loose  upon  this  cold  world 
like  a  sheep  without  a  shepherd,  &  now  arftur  you've 


IIUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  251 

robbed  me  of  my  husband,  you  come  making  a  um- 
brajus  clatter  about  your  boss,  which  I  never  seen  him 
arfture  I  was  shut  .up  in  jale.  You'd  best  two  go  & 
sarch  amongst  the  mountings  for  your  mayor,  &  ef  you 
happen  2  find  my  husband  two,  you  can  bring  him  back 
at  the  same  time." 

"  Ef  there's  iny  law  into  the  kuntry,  I'll  parsecute 
you  on  akkownt  of  it,"  sez  he ;  "  in  the  fust  instunz, 
you  took  hur  away  by  fours  in  arms  &  boddily  fear,  & 
there4  an  action  would  lie " 

"  Yes,  I  know  you  can  lye,"  sez  I ;  "  for  you  tolled 
me  that  arteemass  was  gone  two  Smootville  &  that  he 
would  be  back  be4  nite.  Ef  you  beleeved  that,  why 
did  you  come  2  me  about  the  boss  instead  of  going 
to  him  when  he  come  back  ?  and  why  did  you  say  I 
should  pay  for  the  boss  individooally,  ef  you  thought 
arteemass  haddent  gone  orf,  &  that  I  was  a/«7i  covered, 
as  the  lawyers  calls  it.  Now  you  air  lucky  2  get  orf 
so,  I  tell  you,  you'd  better  think  so.  I've  lost  a  hus- 
band &  you've  lost  a  boss,  so  that  jist  ballances  the 
account." 

He  went  orf  mad,  &  sed  he'd  see  the  square  about 
it  &  hev  me  into  jale  be4  nite,  for  boddily  fear  &  boss 
steeling,  but  that  was  the  larst  I  beam  of  it;  &  it  was 
the  larst  he  hearn  of  his  boss  too.  The  mayor  was 
gone  forever.  She  was  the  pride  of  the  viUidge  of 
Baldinsville,  <fe  a  grate  trottur  &  rarely  seldom  let  iny 


252  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

hoss  go  ahead  of  hur,  which  it  was  a  disgrace  to  hur 
owner  that  he  lost  his  hoss  threw  kidnapping  another 
woman's  husband,  &  he  was  deprived  of  his  beest 
accordiintly. 

Then,  when  the  incolant  felure  had  cut  out,  I  takes 
my  dawturs  by  the  hand  &  sot  um  down  into  cheers 
be4  me,  &  sez  I : 

"  Now,  dawturs,  look  .me  into  the  face  ;  I  am  your 
beloved  mother,  that  hev  brawt  you  up  two  good  exe- 
cution, &  hev  tawt  you  awl  you  no,  beri^ng  what 
you've  larnt  of  your  teechers  which  air  mostly  trash. 
Your  father  hev  committed  burglary  in  the  nite  by  go- 
ing orf  &  leeving  your  mother  a  deskonsillate  widder, 
which  he  swore  at  the  alter  how  he'd  cleave  2  hur  like 
one  flesh.  We've  got  kornsiduble  munny  into  the 
bank,  the  wax  figgurs,  kangaroo,  &  the  other  beastesses 
with  monkeys  two  iny  amount. 

"We  can  live  very  kumfurtable  on  what  we've  got,  <fe 
now  I  shall  expect  the  children  of  arteemass  Ward  2 
creet  me  as  their  only  surviving  parient  till  he  comes 
back,  which  he'll  get  sick  of  his  bargin,  I  kornclude,  & 
be  glad  to  return  two  hur  which  he  took  2  his  hart  into 
the  flour  of  hur  youth. 

"  As  I  am  no  longur  burdened  with  the  keer  <fe  over 
sight  of  arteemass,  you'll  be  glad  two  larn  that  I  can 
divvote  a  dubble  share  of  my  attenshuns  2  your  con- 
duct &  morrils,  &  see  that  you  go  into  the  way  thet 


HUE  BOOK   OF  GOAKS.  253 

you  shood  walk  therein.  As  2  mirage,  of  coarse  you 
wont  keer  inything  about  husbands  so  long  as  you  can 
hev  the  compinny  of  your  beloved  mother.  Ef  you 
shood  be  deprived  of  hur,  it  wood  be  a  diffrunt  mat- 
ter ;  then,  you  mite  feel  the  want  of  husbands  two 
take  keer  of  you. 

"  One  of  you  will  be  obleeged  two  act  into  the  kap- 
passity  of  door-keeper  two  the  sho,  as  I  shall  hev  the 
sooprintenderness  of  the  hole  establishment  now  that 
arteemass  hev  abskonded  from  his  dooty." 


254  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 


ACCOUNT    OF  STOCK. 

Arfture  I  found  that  arteemass  was  railly  gone,  I 
took  a  pensil  in  hand,  &  arsked  Sarah  Ann  to  go  with 
me  around  the  tent,  into  every  hole  &  korner  thereof, 
as  I  was  going  two  take  an  inventarry  of  the  contents. 

Fust,  I  put  down  the  wax  figgurs,  &  rit  "new  coat 
wanted  for  G.  Washington."  "Eyebrows  for  the 
pirut  Gibbs."  "  New  nose  for  Daniel  Lambert." 
"  New  wooden  leg  for  Peter  Stuyvesant." 

Then  we  looked  at  the  beastesses,  &  I  put  um  awl 
down  onto  the  inventarry.  (Here  the  twins  got  two 
quarrelling — went  &  spanked  um  both,  &  returned.) 

Next,  we  ecksamind  the  kewriositees.  Found  a 
square  block  with  no  righting  onto  it.  Told  Sarah  Ann 
to  hunt  for  the  card  ;  she  coodn't  fnid  no  card.  Korn- 
cluded  to  rite  onto  it  with  a  peece  of  chork  :  "The 
hoss-bloek  which  Gen.  Washington  mounted  his  boss 
when  he  was  going  into  battle." 

Arfture  I  liad  rit  those  label,  Sarah  Ann  sez  :  "  why, 
mother,  thet  air  not  big  enuff  for  a  hoss-block." 

I  thawt  she  was  rite,  &  arfture  1  had  kujitayted  a  wile 
onto  the  subject,  I  rubbed  out  the  chork  mark,  &  rit 


HUR  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  255 

onto  the  block  :  "  The  block  thet  Gen.  Washington  sot 
when  he  attended  skool  into  his  infancy." 

Sarah  Ann  was  pleased  with  thet,  &  sed :  "  why, 
mother,  yu're  qwite  a  jeenyus." 

"  Don't  flatter  me,  child,"  sez  I,  giving  hur  a  purcing 
glance  ;  "  for  you  don't  no  how  soon  you  may  be  a 
mother  yourself,  which  it  is  rong  two  flatter  a  parient 
hoo  don't  stand  in  no  need  of  sich  enkkurridgment.  I 
know  my  culpacities,  &  so  did  arteemass,  hoo  gove  in 
two  my  judgment  alius,  as  he  node  I  had  more  tacked 
than  hisself." 

We  then  went  on  with  our  eggzaminashuns  till  we 
come  two  a  slipper  thet  was  wore  by  Charlotty  Temple 
when  she  went  down  Purl  street  two  cawl  onto  Larroo, 
onto  that  stormy  nite. 

We  found  thet  our  dog  ,Jewel  had  had  holt  of  it  &; 
tore  it  bad ;  so  I  got  Sarah  Ann  two  bring  1  of  hur 
shoes  &  put  into  its  place,  <fe  throo  away  the  old  slipper 
which  it  was  quite  an  improvement. 

Sarah  Ann  sed  it  was  a  gray  deel  better  so,  as  hur 
shoe  was  enermost  noo,  &  lookt  more  respecktable, 
whilst  the  tother  slipper  was  an  old  one  from  the  fust. 

In  fack,  it  requires  a  feemail  2  put  things  in  order. 
The  men  folks  thinks  they  nose  a  gray  deel,  like  Solo- 
mon's fool  hoo  can  render  7  reasons. 

We  found  2  or  3  things  where  the  righting  had  got 
rubbed   orf.     There  was  a  larje  snuff-box.     I  ooodn't 


256  BETSEY   JANE   WAED 

find  out  hoose  it  was.  Sarah  Ann  sed  she  thawt  it  had 
belonged  to  Moimt  Karm  that  was  kilt  at  the  seeje  of 
Quibbeck  ;  but  I  never  hearn  inything  about  his  snuff- 
box ;  besides,  he  was  nothing  but  a  Frenchman.  So  I 
maid  a  card  with  the  words  onto  it :  "  The  snuff-box  of 
a  Injun  chief  kilt  by  William  Penn  when  he  took 
Pennsylvanny." 

Sarah  Ann  larfed.  I  called  hur  a  disobedunt  child, 
&  scent  hur  two  bed  without  hur  supper. 

There  was  peece  of  the  trunk  of  a  tree  thet  had  no 
li^bel  onto  it.  I  rit  on  a  card  :  "Trunk  of  the  tree 
which  Absalom  hung  to  it  by  the  hare  of  his  head,"  & 
nailed  it  on. 

There's  everything  in  knowing  how  2  mannidge. 
Some  peple  hev  a  fakilty  two  get  along  into  the  world, 
whilst  others  air  poor  shacks  <fe  good  for  nothing. 
Arteemass  was  never  haff  thankful  enuff  that  he  got 
sich  a  woman  as  me  for  a  wife.  I  thunk  to  myself, 
when  [  got  threw,  thet  I  was  mowrn  his  better  haff,  I 
was  his  better  three  quarters. 


HUK   BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  257 


THE  MYSTERIOUS   COUPLE. 

Wher  we  lived  up  into  Petersham,  there  was  a  man 
&  his  wife  that  come  &  hired  part  of  a  house  nixt  door 
two  us.  Folks  sed  they  was  a  noo-marrid  kupple, 
though  nyther  1  of  um  was  young. 

They  shet  up  awl  the  winders  &  blinds  so  that  no- 
body cood  see  um,  &  they  kept  the  house  dark  inside, 
of  coarse,  as  awl  the  lite  was  shet  out.  Everybody 
was  wondring  hoo  they  were,  &  what  maid  um  live  per- 
petyoually  into  the  dark,  like  that  disrespectful  burd 
called  the  owl,  two  say  nothing  of  :)ats  &  moles. 

At  larst,  Jeemes  Swanzey,  the  peddler,  come  along 
down  our  way,  <fe  we  tolled  him  about  it,  &  arsked  him 
ef  he  cood  tell  why  they  lived  into  the  dark  awl  the 
time.    , 

"  In  coarse,  I  can,"  sez  he ;  "  they  air  both  so 
hombly  thet  they  air  afeared  two  see  each  other's  face, 
for  fear  they  can't  keep  the  mirage  vow,  &  their  love 
won't  last  till  the  eend  of  the  hunny-moon." 

I  called  Jeemes  into  the  house  &  gove  him  a  drink 
of  molasses  &  water,  with  a  spoonful  of  ginger  into  it. 


258  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 


A  LETTER. 

I  WAS  sot  down  onto  the  sophy,  which  arteemess 
maid  it  with  a  foo  peeces  of  joist,  &  I  stuffed  corn-husks 
into  it  &  kivvurd  it  with  kallikur,  when  a  man  with  a 
ile-cloth  kivvering  onto  his  hat,  rid  up  to  the  door,  & 
pounded  onto  it  with  the  handle  of  his  whip,  <fc  hollurd 
out  into  a  senatorial  voice  : 

"  Air  Mrs.  Betsey  Jane  Ward  into  this  bilding  f 

I  felt  a  kind  o'  crawling  come  over  my  skin,  as  ef  I 
was  going  to  hear  from  my  long-absented  huzband,  &  I 
went  2  the  door  myself  &  pusht  Sarah  Ann  back  into 
the  entry. 

When  I  opend  the  door,  I  seen  the  man  onto  his 
hoss,  which  it  shode  it  had  travelled  a  grate  ways.  Its 
main  &  tale  &  footlocks  was  long  &  the  mud  was 
splashed  up  against  its  stummick. 

The  man  had  a  brown  face  with  deep  rinkles  run- 
ning up  &  down  each  side  of  his  mouth,  &  he  drawled 
out  his  words  into  a  keerless  sort  of  a  way  as  if  he 
keered  for  nothing   Si    nobody,  only  he  lookt  into   my 


JTUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  259 

face  with  ills  grav  eyes  very  family ar,  as  of  the  site  of 
a  hooman  bcin_<r  was  oncommon,  &  he  liked  two  find 
out  ef  the  hooman  comitenans  looht  as  it  use  to  did 
when  he  sawn  one  of  um  the  larst  time. 

Sez  he,  as  soon  as  I'd  kurchid  two  him,sez  he: 
"  Stranger,  good  day.  I've  got  a  letter  here.  I've 
travelled  a  smart  chance  over  the  planes  <fe  pararees,  & 
brawt  a  letter  for  Mrs.  Betsey  Jane  Ward.  It  mustn't 
be  delivurd  to  nobody  else  but  she.  Do  you  under- 
stand "?" 

"  Parfeckly,"  sez  I ;  "  hand  it  hear,  for  I'm  that  Indi- 
vid ooal  in  purson." 

"Well,"  sez  he,  taking  out  a  dirty  lump  of 'paper; 
"  it's  from  one  Mr.  Arteemass  Ward." 

"  So,  the  good-for-nothing  felure  has  remembered  his 
poor  wife,  at  larst,"  sez  I;  "  giv'e  me  the  letter." 

"  Hum  !"  sez  he,  putting  the  paper  into  his  pokkit 
agin ;  "  I  take  it  you're  only  his  wife  by  proxy.  Can't 
let  you  hev  the  dokkiments,  good  woman ;  but  ef  the 
lady  herself  air  into  this  bilding,  arsk  hur  two  come 
4th,  as  the  letter  can't  be  gove  up  two  iny  agents,  only 
two  the  rail  Simon  Pure  hurself " 

"  You  had  better  lye  me  out  of  my  owni  name,"  sez 
I ;  "  ef  I'm  not  Betsey  Jane  Ward,  the  wife  of  artee- 
mass, hoo.  air  shel" 

"  It  may  be  as  you  obsarve,"  sez  he  ;  "  espechally  as 
this  air  the  bilding  where  I  were  direckted ;  but  I  took  it 


2o0  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

you  coodn't  be  his  wife  from  one  obsarvation  you  i/iaicl. 
I  conclude,  madam,  that  one  don't  speek  of  hur  huz- 
band  as  a  good-for-nothing  felure,  which  he  has  been  in 
distant  parts  a  hole  yeer." 

"  That's  akkording  to  hoo  he  is,  &;  what  he  is,"  sez  I. 

"  Begging  your  grace,  madam,"  sez  he ;  *'  I  think  it 
is  akkording  2  what  she  is." 

"  Now,  you're  a  keeping  me  out  of  my  letter  awl 
this  time,"  sez  I. 

"It's  a  kind  o'  condishunal  letter,"  sez  he;  "Mr. 
Ward  tolld  me  not  2  give  this  letter  2  his  wife  ef  she 
had  given  him  up,  &  didn't  keer  no  more  about  him." 

"  Well,  sir,  about  that,"  sez  I ;  "  it's  rather  dubus, 
but  the  children  wood  like  2  heer  from  their  father,  I'm 
shure." 

"  Air  there  children  ?"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,  there's  children  old  enuff  2  read  righting,  be- 
sides twins." 

"  Then,  hear  it  is,"  sed  he,  chucking  the  letter  into 
the  entry ;  and  he  rid  orf. 

Argustus  &  the  gurls  were  all-fired  curus  two  know 
what  was  into  the  letter ;  but  I  was  in  for  the  reding  of 
it  awl  to  myself  alone,  first  being  his  lawful  wife  that 
had  alius  been  faithful  two  him,  &  done  everything  for 
him,  &  stuck  two  him  threw  everything,  like  the  kanga- 
roo <fe  wax  figgurs. 

I  took  the  letter  into  the  kitchen  &  sot  down  onto  a 


HUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  261 

block  into  the  corner  <fe  opened  the  letter  which  it  was 
rit  as  followers  : 

"My    Amyable    Spouce  : "Thinking  you    mite 

like  2  heer  from  me  by  this  time,  I  take  up  my  pen  two 
inform  you  that  I  am  well  in  heelth,  &  hope  these  foo 
lyons  will  find  you  injoying  the  same  blesson.  As 
often  as  I  think  of  the  happy  days  that  we  hev  spent 
together,  it  makes  me  contented  with  my  present  situa- 
tion ;  &  contentment  is  a  grate  blesson,  which  we 
ought  2  be  satisfied  with  the  condition  in  which  Provi- 
dence has  placed  us. 

"  Through^  the  mirackulus  interpersition  of  Provi- 
dence, I  got  cleen  down  the  river  without  being  blowed 
up  in  the  steamer. 

"  Finully,  I  tuk  pessage  into  the  steamer  Ariel  for 
Kalliforny,  tho  we  didn't  go  no  further  than  Aspinwall, 
which  Mr.  Ganderbilt,  the  owner  was  kust  by  every  1 
on  board  the  bote,  eggcept  a  deef  &  dum  man  hoc 
maid  sines  with  his  foot  &  leg  as  ef  he  was  kicking 
something  most  pleggidly.  There  cood  be  no  dowt 
that  he  allooded  to  the  same  individooal. 

"  The  voyge  M'as  jist  a  nine  days  wonder,  for  it  was  a 
wonder  that  we  dident  awl  starve  two  deth,  <fe  dident 
get  pisond  with  the  vittles  which  it  was  the  very  pick- 
tur  of  a  coroner's  inquest. 

"  The  weather  was  warm  A;  plezzunt  as  the  garden 


OQ2  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

of  Eden  onto  the  Ismus,  which  it  was  ballanccd  with 
misketers,  &  rats  of  an  improoved  breed,  as  they  wan't 
too  dainty  two  naw  one's  heels  &  toes.  We  had  some 
senior-eaters  with  us,  but  of  course,  I  regarded  them  at 
a  respectable  distunz,  knowing  thet  I  had  a  tender 
spouce  at  home  hoose  feeling  I  wouldn't  wound  even  by 
offering  1  of  um  a  sigguret. 

"  As  for  Mexico,  it's  inclined  to  be  infested  with 
robbers ;  I  woodn't  advise  you  ever  two  travel  in  that 
rejun  as  the  mail-coach  arrived  at  the  sitty,  the  other 
day  with  awl  the  passenjurs  into  a  state  of  parfect 
noodity,  the  robbers  having  prepared  their  toylet  in 
that  manner.  There4  you'd  better  keep_  out  of  awl 
these  furrin  parts. 

"  I  got  to  Kalifornia  onto  Sunday  arfturenoon,  though 
I  shoodent  hev  none  it  ef  I  hadent  had  recoarse  2  my 
allminick. 

"  But  the  histerry  of  my  travels  will  only  be  tire- 
some 2  you,  so  I'll  speek  of  more  domestick  subjecks. 

"  The  kangaroo  air  in  good  helth,  I  conclude,  &  the 
beastesses  air  took  good  keer  of,  also  the  children 
hoose  eddikashun  is  into  your  hands.  I  node  I  could 
depend  onto  you  2  doo  everything  thet  was  rite  when  I 
w^ent  away ;  so  my  mind  is  parfeckly  eze  about  awl 
matters  conneckted  with  the  sho  and  the  children. 

"  Ef  you  should  feel  like  righting  me  a  letter,  I  wood 
hev  you  right  by  awl  meens,  but  as  I'm  continyouall/ 


HTJR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  263 

onto  the  moove,  I  can't  giv  you  iny  pertickular  direck- 
shun  at  pressunt,  but  leeve  it  awl  2  yourself  2  use  your 
best  judgment  as  two  where  I  may  happen  to  be, 
"  Yours  to  sarve, 

"  Arteemass  Ward." 

It  was  eze  2  see,  by  this  letter,  that  arteemass  w^as 
gitting  homesik,  sense  he  spoke  of  the  kangaroo  &  the 
wax  figgiirs,  &  the  children,  &  the  happy  days  that  he 
had  spent  with  the  wife  of  his  boozim. 

He  sez  I  may  rite  him  a  letter,  but  I  think  he'll  no  it 
when  he  gets  1.  I  shant  send  him  no  letter,  espeshully 
as  I  don't  no  where  2  send  it,  &  hev  got  no  direcshuns. 

1  hope  I  alius  had  that  sperrit  that  w^henever  iny  one 
run  orf  on  the  sly  &  left  me  I  would  run  arfture  um, 
nor  hev  inything  more  two  doo  with  um  ;  &  how  does 
that  forlorn  creeture  spose  he's  goin  two  git  along  ef 
he  shood  be  took  sick  in  furrin  parts  ?  Hoo  will  make 
him  his  cup  of  T  when  he  has  chat  head-ache  thet  he 
use  two  did  whenever  he  was  worrit  about  his  aflares, 
&  how  will  he  git  his  shurts  washt  &  iurnd,  &  he  awl 
alone  there  amongst  a  parcil  of  heethins  that  cares 
nothin  about  him ;  <fe  awl  his  own  folt  two. 

He  desarves  two  suffer  for  sich  onnatchooral  conduct, 
going  orf  there  amongst  robburs  &  gamblers  & 
theeves  ;  <fe  spose  he  shood  get  stuck  &  kilt,  hoo  will 
watch  over  him  when  he  is  dying  &  bring  him  a  drink 


264  BETSEY  JANE   WART) 

of  cold  water  when  he  hcv  a  fever,  &:  he  dying  away 
orf  thare  amongst  stranjurs  two.  I  vow,  I  could  al- 
most cry  with  vexation,  it  make  ma  so  mad  when  I 
think  of  how  thet  poor,  good-for-nothin  orfin  has  con- 
ducted hisself,  when  he  had  a  good  home  &  somebody 
two  take  keer  of  him,  &  now  he's  got  nobody  at  awl. 


KDR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  265 


A  TRAVELING  MERCHANT. 

Shortly  arfture  I  had  red  arteemass's  lettur,  a  long, 
lean,  strait  man  come  along  parst  the  tent  onto  a  hoss, 
with  big  saddle-bags  behind  him,  &  hare  flowin  down 
his  back  enermost  as  long  as  mine. 

He  rid*  up  two  the  tent,  &  when  he  seen  me,  he 
gumpt  orf  of  his  hoss  &  bowed  very  short,  &  sprsiig 
back  agin,  as  when  you  bend  down  a  young  sapling  & 
let  it  fly  back  into  its  place.  I  spose  it  was  done  so 
quick  to  save  time. 

*'  Got  notions  of  all  sorts,"  sez  he  ;  "  needles,  thread, 
tooth-picks,' raziors,  Waxter's  cawi,  Vciltaire's  works, 
songs,  sarmonts,  nutmegs,  Life  of  A.  Lincoln,  saws, 
gingerbread,  nails,  kawjul,  stove-polish,  jews  harps, 
New  England  rum,  <fe  awl  the  rillijus  papers,  &  pear- 
iodikkles,  &  about  iiiything  you  chuse  two  cawl  for." 

*'  Don't  want  nothing  to-day  but  your  custom,"  sez  I; 
^'15  scents,  children  haff  prico." 

*'  Hum !    a   sho    imporarium !"    sez    he ;    "  there's 

room    for  some   improvements  in  this   yere  place — a 
12 


2b'(5  BETSEY  JANE   WAP.I) 

glarse  door,  now — what  do  you  say  for  a  glarse 
door  r 

"What!  to  the  tent  ?'^  sez  I-  "we  don't  want  no 
glass  door  hear.  How  wood  it  look — a  glass  door  to  a 
tent  r 

"This  air  the  day  for  improvements,"  sez  he;  "we 
make  improvements  two  everything  in  these  days; 
even  the  Kornstitution  is  undei-going  all  sorts  of 
improvements,  spick,  span,  noo ;  them  that  lived  in 
Washington's  time  woodent  no  it  ef  they  seed  it  again, 
it's  so  much  improoved  from  what  it  use  two  was," 

"  But,  1  don't  find-  everything  improoved,"  sez  I ; 
"  for  instunz,  I  dur  say  your  wife  was  hansumur  15 
year  aggo  than  she  is  now  ?" 

"  Donno  that,"  sez  he  :  "  what  with  noo  wig,  a  set 
of  patent  teeth,  a  glarse  eye,  washes  &  varnishes,  &  a 
heep  of  cotton  wadding  in  hur  close,  I  raythur  think 
she's  a  specimint  of  a  woman  yit.  Can't  I  doo  sofiie- 
thing  for  yer,  good  woman  ]" 

"  No,  sir,  I  bleeve  not — but,  stop  !  you  say  you've 
got  enermost  everything,  hev  you  iny thing  like  a  pur- 
ptitchooal  motion  1" 

"  No,  not  yet,  madam — that's  two  say,  I've  not  got  1 
rinisht  yet,  but  I'm  making  1 ;  I've  been  at  it  for  the 
hirst  30  year." 

"  Then  I've  an  idee  you  can  doo  something  for  me. 
Arteemuss,    my    husband,    hoo's    absent    into    parts 


IIUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  OQT 

unknown  at  prezzunt,  had  an  onfinisht  purpetchooal 
motion  willed  two  him  by  his  auntcestus,  &  it  only 
wants  3  wheels — • — " 

"  Three  wheels !  whew  !  I  can  fix  it  for  you  in  a 
jiffy;  why,  mine  wants  19  wheels,  13  cogs,  &  a  hole 
lot  of  hardware  yet.  If  yourn  air  so  near  done,  I 
can  put  on  the  finishing  tutch  in  less  than  no  time. 
Isn't  in  hear  ?" 

*'  No,  my  husband  was  never  a  verry  interprising 
man,  or  he'd  a  finisht  it  long  'go.  Instead  of  doing  on 
it,  he  put  it  away  into  the  garrit,  <fe  there  it's  lade  ever 
sense.  But  you  shall  see  it,  &  try  what  you  can  do 
with  it." 

*'  I'll  finish  it;  rite  up  for  you,  ma'am." 

"  But  what  will  you  charge  me  for  doing  on  it,  sir?" 

"  Well,  ma'am,  down  our  \yay,  where  I  belong  when 
I'm  at  home,  we  alius  do  our  work  by  the  day,  which 
air  the  fairest  method,  bekaws  one  never  nose  how 
long  it  will  take  him  to  finish  up  a  job." 

"  Well,"  sez  I ;  "  how  much  will  you  charge,  by  the 
day,  two  finish  up  this  purpetchooal  motion  &  set  it 
two  going  complete  1" 

"  Ah  !  madam,"  sez  he,  shaking  his  head  ;  "  there's  a 
gray  deel  of  talent  required  two  doo  a  job  of  this  yere 
kind,  &  it  aught  two  bring  a  good  price  accorduntly.  I 
coodn't  think  of  giving  my  time  and  talents  in  sitch 


268  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

siipeoror  work  as  this  for  less  than  five  dollars  a  day  & 
found." 

"Well,  ef  you  can  put  up  with  our  fare,  sir,"  sez  I; 
"we  hev'meet  only  onct  a  day,  with  bred  &  butter  & 
aigs  &  cheese  for  breakfast,  &  bred  &  milk,  .pudding  <fe 
milk,  or  buries  &  milk  for  tea,  &,  things  into  varyty 
according  two  what  grows  in  the  season  of  the  year." 

"  Ah — yes,  madam — well,  you  see,  I'm  not  at  awl 
diffikilt,  but  as  for  the  bred,  I  hope  you  hev  the 
Graham  kind,  &;  can  throw  in  a  punkin  pye  now  & 
then,  tho  I'm  not  so  set  onto  the  pye  ;  but  the  Graham 
bred  air  a  diffrunt  thing  as  I  was  razed  onto  that." 

"  Very  well,"  sez  I ;  "  in y thing  for  the  sake  of  git- 
ting  the  purpetchooal  motion  masheen  fiiiisht.  It  will 
be  a  fine  speckkleashun,  I  take  it." 

"  Guess  so,"  sez  he  ;  "  it'll  put  ten  thousand  dollars 
into  your  pockit  in  3  weeks — warranted — as  soon  as  it 
gits  fairly  into  operashun." 

"  I  declare  !"  sez  I ;  "  thet  shoze  what  a  interprizing 
woman  can  doo,  when  she  takes  matters  into  her  own 
hands." 

"  It'll  be  the  making  of  your  fortin  ma'am ;  ef  my 
purpetchooal  motion  was  as  near  finisht  as  yourn,  I 
woodn't  vally  iny  amount  of  munny.  It's  a  fortin  into 
itself,  ma'am." 

So  I  tuk  him  2  the  liouce  &  intradeuced  him  2  the 
children,  <k  tolled  um  what  he  was  going  for  2  doo,  & 


IIUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  269 

Sarah  Ann  run  up  <fe  hollurd  2  Orgustus  two  come  up 
&  help  hur  bring  the  masheen  down.  He  lookt  at  it 
over  &  over,  &;  inspected  every  part  of  it,  &  shook  his 
hed,  &.  lookt  as  ef  he  was  considuring  very  deep  into 
the  snbjekt,  «Sj  I  arsked  him  what  he  thawt  of  the 
masheen. 

He  dident  heer  me  at  fust,  he' was  so  rapt  up  into  his 
idees.  At  larst  he  spoke  out,  &  sez  he  :  "  This  masheen 
madam,  air  onto  the  introverted  principal,  &  air  analla- 
gus  two  a  divided  cone,  which  it  air  seen  into  acoustics 
&  aqueducks;  by  means  of  concussion,  reproduction  of 
force  &  vitiated  air,  you  create  a  cerebellum,  &  thet 
striking  upon  the  tympanum  &  the  fly-wheel  causes  the 
abrasion  of  the  strap,  &  a  tincture  of  converging  rays 
passing  into  the  spectrum,  reduces  it  two  a  corpuscula, 
whilst  the  capillary  tubes  &  hydrostatical  production  of 
atmosphere  strikes  it  ofi'  into  the  aphelion  like  the  cho- 
roides  (fc  corned  ;  that  brings  the  whole  thing  two  an 
apex,  &  we  have  the  first  <fe  second  diaphanous  trans- 
parency. All  thet  is  wanting  two  the  masheen  now  is 
two  apply  the  pullies,  the  lever,  the  cylinder,  with  a 
slight  touch  of  the  axis  <fc  hammer-lever,  &  awl  will  be 
completi6  Have  you  a  pare  of  compasses,  ma'am,  a 
saw,  an  augur,  a  scale,  a  plumb  line  &  piece  of  chalk, 
thet  I  may  apply  the  fulcum  two  the  base  of  the  diame- 
ter.    Ah  !  what  wood  Sir  Isaac  Newton  hev  said  ef  he 


270  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

had  lived  two  see  this  masheen  !  You  hevn't  a  little 
dry  toast  &  apple-sass  handy,  ma'am  ?" 

"  Run,  Sarah  Ann,"  sez  I,  "  &  get  some  refreshments 
for  the  jentlernan,  <fe,  Sarah  Ann  !" 

"  Ma'am,"  says  she. 

"  Put  a  little  of  that  quarturd  quince  onto  the  chany 
plate,  &  hev  that  onto  the  table  too." 

'•  Oh  !  mother  !"  sez  she,  when  I  went  out  two  see  ef 
the  lunching  was  reddy  ;  "  hew  glad  I  am  that  we've 
got  somebody  at  larst  that  understands  himself,  &  can 
be  a  conjeenyul  sperrit  two  me  in  my  studdiz." 

"Sarah  Ann,"  sez  I;  "don't  use  iny  libertiz  with 
that  jentleman ;  his  mind  is  above  your  spear.  You 
can  see  that  he  nose  everything." 

"  Yes,  mother,  &  he  expresses  it  so  butifully — so 
elegant — sitch  refined  language !  Oh  !  I  don't  know — 
it  seems  to  me  that  I  was  never  before  into  the  com- 
pany ^f  a  true  gentleman  !" 

"Take  keer  of  your  hart,  Sarah  Ann,  my  dawter, 
take  keer  of  your  hart,  which  he  has  a  wife  alreddy,  as 
I  hearn  him  speak  of  that  feemail." 

So  the  genius  et  his  lunch,  &  red  the  noospaper,  & 

^ed  it  wood   take  him  about  three  days  to  sharpen  his 

tools  be4  he  commensed  onto  the  masheen,  &  he  sposed 

thet  Orgustus  wood  be  willing  two  turn  the  grindstone. 

Orgustus  lookt  kinder  squirmish  w^hen  he  heered 
that,  &  sinnified  that  he  hadent  much  talent  into  the 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  271 

grindstone  line,  <fe  was  mostly  given  two  playing  on  the 
flute  &  sucking  Havana  oranges  onto  a  moonlight 
night. 

"  Oh  !  it's  no  matter,"  sez  the  genius ;  "  only  1 
dident  know  but  you'd  like  two  get  a  insight  into  circu- 
lar grairty  by  way  of  finishing  off  your  eddication.  I 
can  doo  it  awl  myself,  only  it'll  take  a  trifle  longer ; 
prehaps  a  week,  but  not  mourn  a  week  two  the  extent, 
in  sharpening  the  tools  ;  &  arfture  thet  we'll,  get  fairly 
two  work  onto  the  masheen. 

Onto  the  nixt  day,  arfture  breakfust,  the  genius  sed 
he  must  begin  the  job,  as  his  time  was  preshus,.  &  he 
coodent  afford  two  stop  long  into  the  village.  He  sed 
that  be4  he  commensed  two  grind  his  tools,  there  was  a 
purticklar  kind  of  wand  he  wanted  two  git,  thet  grode 
into  the  woods,  &  that  was  nessas^ary  two  put  into  the 
masheen.  It  was  hard  to  find  those  kind  of  wood,  & 
it  mite  take  him  awl  day,  <fe  wile  he  was  out  hunting 
for  the  wand,  he  mite  as  well  kill  two  burds  with  1 
stone,  that  is  to  say,  he  wood  shoot  a  foo  snipe  ef 
Orgustus  wood  lend  him  his  fouling-peace. 

Orgustus  gove  him  the  gun  &  he  went  orf 

He  come  home  at  nite  with  some  burds  that  he 
wanted  cookt  for  his  supper,  &  he  had  a  switch  into  his 
hand,  which  ef  he  hadent  tolld  me  it  was  the  wand,  I 
shood  hev  thawt  it  was  a  willow  twig.     So  1  pade  him 


272  BETSEY   JANE   WxVKD 

his  5  dollars  for  the  fust  day,  &  cookt  his  burds  for 
supper. 

Awl  the  nixt  8  days,  he  spent  in  sharpening  his  tools, 
&  then  he  got  reddy  two  go  two  work  en  the  mashecn. 
I  had  pade  him  just  45  dollars  &  his  vittles  «fe  loging. 

The  nixt  day,  he  sed  it  was  nessessary  two  breathe 
his  boss  which  he  would  git  foundurd  ef  he  dident  ex- 
iirsize  him.  So  he  rid  down  two  Smootsville,  &  took  a 
sort  of  tower  about  the  kuntry  awl  that  day.  \yhen 
he  come  home  at  nite,  I  pade  him  his  5  dollars  for  that 
day,  &  he  sed  he  must  commence  urly  in  the  morning 
&  hurry  np  the  masheen,  as  he  had  hearn  important 
noose  sense  he  had  been  gone  which  it  was  required 
that  he  shood  go  two  the  sitty  as  soon  as  he  had  got 
throw  with  me,  ef  not  sooner. 

1  was  so  afeard  he  wood  throw  up  the  job,  that  I 
sinnifide  ef  an  increase  of  pay  w^ood  be  iny  inducement, 
a  foo  dollars,  more  or  less,  needn't  part  us. 

He  ansurd  &  sed  that  he  was  not  a  man  two  fall 
from  his  bargain  ef  it  cost  him  his  life — that  he  was 
brawt  up  two  grate  morril  idees,  &,  woodn't  take  a 
cent  more  than  he  agreed  two  take. 

"  I'm  not  a  man  of  that  sort,"  sez  he  ;  "I  arsked  you 
5  dollars  a  day  and  found,  &  so  it  shall  be ;  but  jist 
for  a  matter  of  kornveenyunce,  ef  it's  awl  the  same  two 
you,  I  will  take  my  payments  in  gold  instead  of  paper, 
but  not  a  cent  more  than  I  agreed  fo?",  you  know.     I 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  273 

sed  5  dollars,  &  5  dollars  it  shall  be  ;  the  gold  is 
merely  a  matter  of  piirsonal  kornveenyunce.  I  sed  5 
dollars,  &  that's  awl  I'll  take — in  gold,  you  know/' 

So,  I  sed  :  "  Very  well,  sir  ;"  &  Sarah  Ann,  she  sed  : 
"  What  an  admirable  man,  hoo  won't  lissen  two  an  in- 
crease of  sallery  when  it's  offurd  to  him,  &  awl  on  con- 
shienshus  grounds  !" 

So,  he  got  two  work  onto  the  nixt  day,  arfture  break- 
fust,  &  in  just  15  days  he  had  got  one  wheel  made, 
though  it  didn't  look  so  much  like  a  wheel  as  w^heels 
in  jineral  doos,  but  Sarah  Ann  sed  that  only  shode  that 
he  was  a  orijinal  jeenyus  &  had  his  own  idee  of  wheels. 

Finully,  arfture  he  had  worked  40  days  onto  the  ma- 
sheen,  &  breathed  his  boss  a  grate  minny  times,  &  gone 
a  shooting  burds  with  Argustuss's  gun  a  number  of 
times,  I  arsked  him  how  the  masheen  was  getting  on. 

He  ansurd  that  the  middle  cog  must  be  greased  with 
parmasitty  &  a  gum  that  grozs  in  Kalliforny  ;  he  wood 
tellegraf  two  hev  it  sent  on. 

I  arsked  him  ef  he  had  ever  been  into  Kalliforny,  &; 
he  sed  yes,  he  had  been  there  &  into  Utah,  &;  had  solid 
goods  to  the  Mormons. 

"  You  never  seen  inything  of  my  huzband — did 
you  ]"  sez  I. 

"Well,"  sez  he;  "I  seed  a  man  there  calling  hisself 
arteemass  Ward,  but  it  coodent  hev  been  your  huz- 
band." 

12* 


274  BETSEY   JANE  WAKD 

"  Why  not  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Becaws  he  dident  behave  like  a  marrid  man,"  sez  he. 

Then  I  sed  no  more  at  that  time,  as  Sarah  Ann  was 
into  the  rheum,  but  my  cheeks  burned  like  the  fiery 
furniss  of  Shadrak,  Meshack,  &  Abedniggo. 


HTJR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  275 


THE    PERPETUAL   MOTION. 

Arflture  about  3  months,  the  perpetchooal  motion 
masheen  was  finished.  A  good  stong  crank  was  put  to 
it,  &  the  genius  sed  that  2  men  cood  keep  it  a-going  by 
turning  the  crank. 

I  tolled  the  genius  thet  he  was  2  expensive,  but  I  w  as 
willing  2  hire  one  man  ef  thet  wood  be  enufF  2  keep  it 
2  going. 

He  sed  thet  he  had  been  obleejed  2  put  more  wheals 
2  it  than  common,  &  thet  maid  it  hard  2  turn,  &  it 
wood  rekwire  2  men  for  two  doo  it. 

The  square  came  down,  <fe  lookt  at  it,  &  he  sed  he 
had  a  kind  of  idee  thet  a  perpetchoooal  motion  aught 
2  go  w^ithout  inybody  to  turn  it. 

The  genius  ansurd  &■  sed :  "  Oh,  yes,  I  cood  verry 
ese  make  thet  kind  of  perpetchooal  motion,  but  then 
I  must  put  into  the  masheen  about  a  dozen  more  wheels 
&  cogs  (fe  things." 

"  How  long  wood  thet  take  ?"  sez  I. 

"  Prehaps  it  wood  take  two  munce  longer,"  sez  he. 

"Well,  "I  think  I  cant  afford  it,"  sed  I;  "so  I'll  be 
satisfide  with  it  as  it  air,  &  we'll  say  no  more  about 
it.  "  I  giss  I  can  find  a  stout  nigger  thet  will  keep  it 
turning  for  a  dollai  a  day." 


276  BETSEY  JANE   WAED 


MARVELLOUS    DEVELOPEMENTS. 

What  the  perpetchooal  motion  genius  sed  about 
arteemass  in  Utah  stuck  into  my  crop  a  long  time,  <fe 
when  I  pade  him  the  last  of  his  -vvajiz  &  he  brawt  out 
his  hoss  two  go  away  I  arskt  him  2  tell  me  the  hole 
truth,  as  I  was  the  wife  of  his  boozim  that  he  took  to 
his  hart  into  his  young  days,  into  the  flour  of  his  youth. 

Then  the  perpetchooal  motion  man  gove  me  a  IcHig 
akkownt  of  arteemass's  cuttings  up  into  Salt  Lake 
sitty,  &  sed  he  had  no^,^dowt  thet'  a  grate  miny  of  the 
feemails  there  had  ben  sealed  two  arteemass  for  a  foo 
days,  1  at  a  time. 

lie  sinnifide  that  they  hadn't  been  sealed  two  artee- 
mass so  strong  as  the  Mormon  wives  jinurally  is,  which 
the  seal  larsts  their  hole  lifetime,  but  into  the  postidge- 
stomp  fashion,  which  they  stick  a  little  wile,  &  then  rub 
orf  again. 

He  sed  thet  two  comfot  me,  &;  thawt  [  woodn't  keer 
much  about  it  ef  arteemass  was  only  sealed  2  urn  tem- 
perrary.  But  I  coodent  see  it,  for  I  had  took  thet  poor 
orfin  when  he  was  alone  into  the  world,  &;  maid  a  hus- 
band of  him,  &  brawt  him  up  keerfully,  &  took  good 


HUK  BOOK  OF  G0AK3.  277 

keer  of  his  morrils,  &  tawt  him  how  two  git  his  living, 
&  soot  the  naburs. 

And  now  to  think  that  creetur  shood  go  orf  two 
furrin  parts,  &  larn  the  golden  bible,  &  git  into  the 
fashuns  of  them  heethins  with  their  prorffits,  &  their 
sealings,  <fe  their  polliggimmy  was  enufF  two  try  the 
pashunz  of  Gob. 

What  was  the  use  in  his  being  brawt  up  into  a  kris- 
chun  kuntrj  &  tawt  his  katukize,  &  the  lord's  prare,  &; 
awl  about  Moses,  &  Abram,  &  Solloman,  &  David,  & 
awl  them  other  pattriocks,  ef  he  was  going  orf  two  Jarn 
polliggimy,  which  awl  them  grate  men  of  the  anshunt 
times  tawt  that  a  man  &  his  wife  was  1  flesh  &  shood 
forsake  his  farther  &  mother  «fe  stick  two  the  feemail. 

I  sot  down  &  rit  the  followering  letter  two  artee- 
mass : 

"  Deer  Husband  : — I  hev  heered  of  your  doings  &: 
the  kangaroo  is  well  &  the  twins,  &  the  perpetchonal 
motion  are  finisht,  &  I  tell  you  two  come  home  two  the 
wife  of  your  boozim  rite  orf,  &  when  you  git  hear 
you'll  git  sich  a  blesson  from  me  thet'll  make  your  ears 
tingle  for  1  spell,  1  can  tell  you. 

"Mark  my  words,  you'd  better  come  away  from 
them  heethens  up  in  Salt  Lake  to  your  comforttable 
home  into  Baldinsville,  &  when  I  see  you  safet  under 
my  hands  agin  you  won't  get  away  in  a  hurry,  &  I'll 


278  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

make  you  wish  thet  you  had  never  desarted  the  wife  of 
your  boozim  &  left  the  place  where  you've  alius  been 
treated  \ye\\  &;  made  happy.  I'll  give  you  something 
thet  you'll  remember,  &  my  sister  Sooky  air  hear  two, 
&  she  sez  you  aught  to  be  hung  in  chains,  &  thet  she'll 
giv  you  a  peace  of  hur  mind  when  you  come  back.  So 
you'd  better  come  back  two  repose  into  the  boozim  of 
your  family,  as  Cooper  the  poet  says  : 

"  '  Domestic  happiness,  the  only  bliss  that  hev  sur- 
vived the  fall.' 

"  I'll  take  keer  to  rede  you  sich  a  lesson  when  you 
come  back  that  you'll  see  the  evil  of  your  ways,  <fe  the 
twins  hev  had  the  meezles,  &  Sarah  Ann  hev  melted 
orf  G.  Washington's  nose  by  holding  the  candle  two 
closet  two  it  whilst  she  was  redeing  a  love  letter  from 
hur  bo.  which  she  went  into  the  tent  two  rede  it  for 
fear  I  shood  see  it.  I  scent  hur  two  bed  without 
supper  <fe  kept  hur  on  bred  &' water  five  days,  <fe  I  shall 
sarve  you  wuss  than  that.  So  you'd  better  hurry  back 
rite  orf  two  your  happy  home,  which  you  never  had 
iny  excuse  for  leaving  it.  This  from  the  wife  of  your 
boozim. 

"  Your  ill-used  wife, 

"Betsey  Jane  Ward." 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  279 


COx\SPIRACY  DETECTED. 

It  appears  to  me  thet,  of  Jately,  everything  thet  can 
torture  a  varchus  &  amyable  feemail  hev  kornspird 
agin  me.  It  air  sed  thet  a  ongrateful  child  is  sharper 
than  a  sarpent's  teeth.  We've  got  1  of  um  in  the  sho, 
which  his  teeth  is  sharp  as  my  dawter  Sarah  Ann,  hoo 
hev  shode  the  truth  of  thet  saying  in  more  ways 
than  1. 

I  hev  took  more  panes  with  hur  than  with  iny  dawter 
I  hev  got,  too  bring  her  up  into  the  way  she  shood  go. 
I've  boxt  her  ears  mourn  iny  of  the  rest,  &  flogged  hur 
more,  <fe  scent  hur  two  bed  without  supper  mourn  iny 
of  my  other  children,  &  arftur  awl  the  panes  I've  took 
to  punish  her  morrils  &  bring  hur  as  the  twigs  inclined, 
she  hev  acted  the  part  of  a  deseever  two  hur  tender 
parient,  which  air  onakkountable,  for  I've  toUd  hur, 
over  and  over  agin,  how  bad  awl  sich  conduct  air,  <fe 
scolded  hur  till  my  tung  was  reddy  two  drop  orf  when- 
ever I  ketched  hur  in  iny  thing  of  the  kind.  I've  used 
up  a  hole  birch  tree  onto  that  gurl  two  make  her  good, 
&  now  the  ongrateful  creatur  wants  two  leave  the  pa- 
rental boozim  &  git  marrid  \ 


280  BETSEY  JANE  WAED 

I've  alius  held  that  the  evil  1  was  in  young  ones  from 
the  our  of  their  birth,  &  thet  it  aught  to  be  whipt  out 
of  um  ;  but  this  crctur  air  so  bad  thet  I  bleeve  ef  I 
had  skinned  her  alive,  she'd  heve  continued  to  sho 
temper  &  two  want  to  leeve  her  comfortable  home. 

No  dowt,  they  take  their  evil  purpensities  from  ar- 
teemass,  as  I  hev  tolld  \ip\  a  100  times,  Orgustus  <fc 
awl. 

Now,  the  way  of  it  was,  that  a  young  felure  cawld 
Samuel  Hill,  belonging  two  Smootsville  took  a  suddeut 
liking  two  Orgustus,  <fe  maid  him  a  prezzent  of  a  silver 
tooth-pick  &  a  pair  of  pistles.  Then  he  admired  Or- 
gustus's  stile  of  playing  onto  the  flute,  &  begged  Or- 
gustus two  larn  him  how  two  play. 

As  Orgustus  was  fond  of  going  to  Hill's  house, 
which  air  a  very  plezzent  place,  he  agreed  to  larn  the 
felure  two  play  onto  the  flute  ;  but  arfture  he  had  been 
there  2  or  3  times.  Hill  tolld  him  it  w  as  2  bad  to  put 
him  two  the  trubble  of  coming  2  see  him,  &  so  he 
would  cawl  2  take  his  lessons  ai  our  house  into  Baldins- 
ville.       . 

So,  Sam  Hill  come  down  about  twict  a  week  two  get 
his  lesson  orf  Orgustus.  But  Sarah  Ann  took  a  mity 
fancy  to  heer  the  flute  two,  &  so  she  took  panes  alius 
two  go  into  the  rheum  whenever  Orgustus  was  laming 
Hill  to  play. 

I  was  very  mutch  surprised  at  Sarah  Ann  taking  sitch 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  281 

}\  suddent  liking  two  the  flute,  bepaws  she  had  heered 
Orgustus  play  onto  it  mourn  two  yeer,  &  had  never 
seamed  two  keer  nothing  about  it  be4.  I  began  to 
kornklude  that  she  was  showing  talons  for  moosick.  &; 
thet  arfture  awl,  it  must  be  thet  the  gurl  had  a  musical 
ear. 

The  first  time  thet  I  suspicioned  something  was  when 
I  happent  two  tell  the  square  that  Orgustus  was  larning 
Sam  Hill  moosick. 

"Why,"  sez  he,  "how  is  thet?  Young  Hill  has 
alius  been  a  fust- rate  player  onto  the  flute  ever  since  I 
node  him." 

Then,  it  run  into  my  hed,  whet  did  he  want  two  larr 
orf  Orgustus  for,  ef  he  node  moosick  better  than  my 
son  alreddy  1 

I  was  so  puzzled  two  akkount  for  it,  that  I  arsked 
Sarah  Ann  which  of  um  was  the  best  player. 

"  Why,  mother,"  sez  she ;  "  how  can  you  arsk  thet 
question,  when  you  know  thet  Orgustus  is  larning 
Samuel  two  play  1" 

"  Samuel !"  sez  I ;  "  why  is  it  Samuel  instead  of  Mr. 
Hill?  It's  very  unpropper  for  a  young  gurl  two  cawl 
a  young  man  by  his  krischen  name  without  they  air  a 
koarting." 

When  I  sed  thet,  she  turned  as  red  as  a  beat,  for  she 
seen    that  she   had   ketched   hurself  by    cawling   him 


282  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

Samuel.  She  had  spoke  as  she  was  into  the  habit  of 
caw  ling  him,  be4  she  thawt  what  she  was  about. 

As  soon  as  I  seed  hur  kullur  up,  I  understude  the 
hole  trick.  Hill  come  two  the  house  to  tawk  his  fiddle 
faddle  noncents  two  Sarah  Ann,  &  piirtended  to  come 
there  two  larn  moosic  of  Orgustus.  Sarah  Ann  &  Hill 
had,  no  dowt  been  akqwainted  with  each  other'  a  grate 
while,  <fe  this  was  the  plan  to  bring  um  together. 

I  was  just  a  going  to  fly  out  <fc  give  my  dawtar  a 
holesome  flogging,  when  it  struck  me  thet,  as  I'd  got 
the  cards  into  my  hands,  Fd  better  ketch  her  in  a  sitty- 
vashun  which  she  coodont  deny  her  ongrateful  conduct. 

So  the  nixt  day,  the  desateful  felure  come  two  the 
house  two  get  his  lesson  onto  the  flute. 

I  got  out  of  site  for  about  an  our,  &  then  I  lit  a  can- 
dle, and  went  two  the  rheum  where  they  were.  I 
dident  heer  nobody  playing  onto  the  flute.  I  opened 
the  door  awl  of  a  suddent,  &;  I  busted  into  the  rheum. 

Orgustus  was  setting  with  his  head  leaning  back  agin 
the  wall  fast  asleep,  whilst  Hill  sot  at  the  other  eend 
of  the  rheum  with  Sarah  Ann  onto  his  nee,  <fe  her  arm 
around  his  neck. 

Ef  the  fur  didn't  fly  for  a  little  wile,  then  my  name 
isn't  Betsey  Jane  Ward.  I  sprung  at  Sarah  Ann  <fe 
ketched  hur  by  1  arm  &  slung  her  haflf  acrost  the 
rheum ;   ihen  I  jumpt  at  Hill,  &  he  jumpt  for  his  hat. 


nUK  BOOK  OF  OOAKS.  273 

I  clawed  his  hat  ofT  his  head ;   Orgustus  waked    up  & 
thawt  the  house  was  o'  fire. 

I  pursood  Sarah  Ann  out  of  the  rheum  with  Hill's 
hat  into  my  hand.  She  got  away  &  run  down  into  the 
garden,  &  I  coodn't  find  her  in  the  dark. 

Then  I  came  back  2  the  house,  &,  lookt  out  the  front 
winder.  I  seed  Hill  there  ^waiting  for  his  hat.  I  hol- 
lured  out : 

"  You  pesky,  good  for-nothing  sarpint,  see  that  you 
never  darken  my  doors  agin  !" 

Then  I  flung  him  his  hat,  &;  he  went  orf. 

I  watched  for  Sarah  Ann,  <fe  when  she  come  in,  I 
jumpt  at  hur  from  behind  the  door,  where!  was  hid,  <fe 
ketched  her  <fe  gove  hur  sitch  a  pare  of  boxt  ears  thet 
they  lookt  red  awl  the  next  day. 

As  soon  as  she  was  up  into  the  morning,  I  watched 
for  hur  at  the  foot  of  the  stares.  I  took  hur  by  the 
arm  &  pulled  hur  into  the  back  rheum  &  there  I  tawkt 
two  hur. 

"  Air  it  not  enufF,"  sez  I ;  "  thet  your  farther  air  a 
ongrateful,  disrespectable  wretch,  without  your  going 
into  the  way  of  Bale  2.  Ef  I  wasn't  the  most  indul- 
gent of  mothers,  I  shouldn't  leave  a  bit  of  hole  skin 
onto  your  body." 

"  1  dident  doo  nothing  bad,  mother,"  sez  she. 

That  aggrivated  me,  &  I  shook  hur  till  hur  comb  floo 
out  of  her  head  <fe  struck  up  agin  the  sealing. 


234  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

"  To  think  you  shood  partend  you've  done  nothing 
rong "  sez  I ;  "  insted  of  gitting  down  onto  your 
marnir-bones  &  arsking  pardon.  Kneel  down,  &  prom- 
miss  me,  onto  your  solium  word  &  onor,  thet  you'll 
never  see  thet  orful  wretch  agin  as  long  as  you  live.'' 

"  But,  if  he  comes  here  two  lam  the  flute,"  sez  she  ; 
"  how  can  I  help  seeing  him  1" 

"  I'll  flute  you,"  sez  I;  "  into  the  fire  goes  that  flute 
as  soon  as  Fve  sot  my  2  eyes  onto  it,  &,  as  for  you, 
imperdenz,  go  rite  up  stairs  to  your  rheum,  &  don't 
make  your  apperience  down  stares  till  I  send  for  you, 
which  won't  be  into  a  hurry." 

So,  I  locked  her  into  hur  room,  &  kept  hur  without 
eting  a  morsel  for  2  days.  Arfture  thet,  I  carrid  hur 
up  some  bred  &  water,  &  tawkt  2  hur  like  a  dutiful 
mother  &  tolled  her  I  was  a  good  mind  2  flog  hur  with- 
in an  inch  of  hur  life. 

Then  I  shook  hur  &  boxt  hur  ears,  &  went  out,& 
locked  hur  up  agin. 

I  bleeve  there  never  was  a  woman  afflicted  like  me ; 
but  it's  the  way  with  awl  good  people  thet  doo  their 
dooty.  There  was  Job  hoo  was  kivvurd  with  sore 
biles. 

Arfture  keeping  Sarah  Ann  in  hur  room,  onto  bred 
&  water  3  weeks,  I  felt  the  knead  of  hur  help  down 
stares,  &  in  the  sho.     So,  I  let  her  out. 

Thet  ongrateful  creechure  hadent  been  free  mourn  12 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  285 

clays  be4  I  ketched  hiir  redeing  a  letter.     She  tride  two 
hide  it  from  me,  but  I  got  it  away  &  red  it. 

Tlie  letter  was  from  that  pesky,  blasphemious  Hill, 
ct  it  w\is  as  followers : 

"  My  dear,  persecuted  angel  : — With  heart-rend- 
ing emotion,  I  read  your  dear,  blessed  note,  and  kissed  it 
a  thousand  times,  and  I  am  not  ashamed  to  say  that 
when  I  put  it  next  my  heart,  it  was  wet  with  my  tears. 

'•  Dear  sufferer,  what  demon  in  human  shape  is  it 
into  whose  vengeful  talons  you  have  fallen  ?  Again  do 
I  urge  you,  I  implore  you  'to  unite  our  destinies  in  a 
legal  manner,  that  I  may  have  an  incontestable  right  to 
shield  you  from  that  she-dragon  who  dares  to  lay  her 
sacrilegious  hand  on  innocence  and  angelic  beauty  like 
yours. 

"  Oh !  my  love,  my  charmer,  my  bright  bird  of 
heaven,  I  cannot  any  longer  endure  the  thought  that 
you  are  subjected  to  misery  while  I  have  a  happy 
home,  and  ample  means  to  provide  for  you  an  asylum 
beyond  the  reach  of  oppression,  and  which  will  need 
only  your  presence  to  become  a  perfect  Paradise. 

"  Put  an  end  to  those  tortures,  my  adored  love,  and 
no  longer  suffer  a  false  idea  of  duty  to  one  whom  you 
au^ht  to  detest  to  render  us  both  the  most  miserable 
of  beings. 

"  Why  make  yourself  a  martyr  for  one  whose  only 


280  BETSEY  JAXE  WARD 

motive  for  chaining  you  to  her  side  is  that,  like  the  vul- 
ture tearing  the  intestines  of  Prometheus,  she  may 
have  somebody  upon  whom  she  can  vent  her  malignity 
with  impunity  ] 

"  Do  reply  quickly,  through  the  usual  channel,  and 
speak  the  words  which  will  bring  me  under  your  cham 
ber  window  with  horse  and  chaise,  and  in  ten  minutes 
afterward  we  will  be  man  and  wife. 

"  My  sweet,  my  love,  my  angel, 

"  Your  devoted  S." 

Yes,  I  read  this  letter  awl  throo,  from  beginning  to 
eend,  &  I  thawt  I  shood  bust.  Me  a  demon  in  human 
shape  !  Me  a  she-draggon  !  Me  a  vultur  !  Oh  !  the 
blasphemious  wretch! 

I  coodent  believe  my  7  census  thet  inybody  shood 
dare  two  right  2  my  gurl  into  that  manner.  This  was 
a  very  serus  bizness,  <fe  arfture  I  had  locked  up  my 
dawter  into  hur  room,  I  rit  a  note  &  scent  it  up  to  the 
square  for  him  2  come  down  2  me  immeduntly. 

He  hurrid  rite  down  two  our  house,  &  I  tuk  him 
into  the  best  rheum.  Arfture  I  had  locked  the  door,  I 
pulled  out  the  horrid  letter  &  shode  2  him. 

lie  red  it  &  lookt  very  serus. 

"  Into  the  fust  place,  square,"  sez  I ;  "  we  must  soo 
the  wretch  that  rit  it." 

He  scrat(ihed  his  ear  as  ef  he  was  puzzled  <fe  sed  he 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  287 

diJeiit  exackly  no  about  that,  as  no  law  had  been 
broke. 

"  Whet !"  sez  I;  "  isn't  it  agin  the  law  2  cawl  me  a 
she-drafTcron "?" 

"  Yes,  ma'am,  the  Jure  divijio,^"*  sez  he. 

"  Then,"  sez  I ;  "  we'll  have  the  jury  vino  afoul  of 
him  rite  orf  ef  it  costs  me  fifty  dollars." 

"  But  I  deal  only  in  the  Jure  humano,  or  Jus  civile,''^ 
sez  he. 

"  Oh  !  well,  square,  what  duz  it  sinnify  ?"  sez  I ; 
"  civility,  or  Gus,  or  may  knoiv,  it  air  awl  1  ef  the  vil- 
vun  air  soundly  trounced.  As  for  my  dawter,  I'll 
tickle  hur  rizibles  for  hur." 

"  1  don't  see  iny  chance  in  this  case,"  sez  he;  "  you 
can  punish  your  dawter,  it  is  troo,  ef  you  think  it  rite  2 
doo  so,  but  the  young  man  has  not  cawld  you  a  crimi- 
nal.    Had  he  charged  you  with  theft,  or  burglary " 

'•'  Me — theft — me  a  burglary,  square  !" 

"  Ef  he  had  so  far  forgotten  himself  as  to  charge  you 
with  the  commission  of  any  crime,  we  might  do  some- 
thing with  him  ;  but  as  it  is,  he  is  safe  from  the  law." 

"  Mercy  on  me,  square  !"  sez  I ;  "  what's  the  law 
good  for,  ef  1  may  be  a  draggon  &  a  vultur,  &  git  no 
sattisfackshun  ?  Oh  !  it's  time  that  the  feemail  seek 
had  a  hand  in  voting  &  making  the  laws  !  We'd  soou 
show  um  hoo  was  a  vultur  &  a  she-draggon  !" 


OQ§  BETSEY  JANE   WAKD 

"  Very  likely,"  sed  the  square,  &  he  turned  away  his 
face  &  lookt  at  something  out  of  the  vvindur. 

So,  I  seen  I  coodn't  doo  nothin  with  him,  «fcr  pritty 
soon,  he  left. 

"  Then  I  went  up  to  Sarah  Ann,  into  hur  room,  &,  I 
g\ss,  be4  I  left  hur,  she  found  out  hoo  was  a  vultur  &  a 
she-draggon. 


HUE  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  289 


AN  ASTOUNDING  EVENT. 

Ep  the  world  isn't  destroyed  be4  the  eend  of  the 
year,  it  wont  Be  for  want  thet  they  desarves  two  be 
conflagrated,  as  the  inlitninged  reeder  will  see  by  my 
akkownt  of  the  dooings  into  Baldinsville. 

I'm  done  now.  It's  no  kind  of  use  two  kalqulate 
upon  inything,  for  the  wickedness  of  young  people  air 
like  the  charriots  of  faro,  which  they  never  overthrone 
into  the  red  C,  when  the  waters  run  back  from  the 
Isrulites,  which  the  square  sez  bekaws  they  was  sitch  a 
ugly-looking  set  thet  the  waters  was  frightencj^  at  um  <fe 
got  out  of  the  way  till  they  had  parsed  over. 

But  this  terrible  akkount  which  happent  into  my  own 
family  air  the  town  tawk  &,  in  coarse,  everybody  thinks 
thet  Pve  been  dredfully  injured  by  thet  good-for-noth- 
ing Sarah  Ann  hoo  air  sharper  than  a  sarpint's  tooth. 

1  shet  hur  up  in  hur  room,  <fe  licked  hur  as  long  as  I 
could  stand  over  hur,  with  an  old  parrysol  which  I 
broke  it  awl  two  peaces  onto  hur  pesky  hiJe,  &;  then  I 
went  out  (fe  locked  the  door. 

I  sot  up  till  11  o'clock  at  nite  watching  2  see  ef  that 


« 
290  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

u 

feliire  wood  come  with  his  hoss  &  shay  as  he  tawkt  of 
doing  on,  into  his  letter. 

Seeing  he  didn't  come,  I  set  Ann  Loines  two  watch 
&  went  two  bed. 

In  the  morning,  I  found  thet  Ann  had  cleered  out,  <k 
korndluded  she  was  two  lazy  two  wach  iny  longer. 

There4,  I  maid  brekfast,  &  korncluded  not  2  giv 
Sarah  Ann  inything  2  ete  till  12  okklock. 

Accordantly,  I  went  up  stares  as  soon  as  the  klok 
struck  12,  &  onlokt  the  door. 

I  went  in  <fe  seen  that  the  room  was  as  MT  as  a  glove 
when  you  pull  it  orf.  Be4  I  had  time  to  think  a  word, 
Ann  Loines  hollurd  for  me  down  stares.  I  run  down 
as  kwik  as  my  laigs  wood  carry  me,  &  there  wms  Ann 
with  something  into  hur  hand  done  up  in  guilt-ejd  paper 
&  she  reeched  it  to  me  &  sez : 

"Mrs.  Hill,  sends  her  compliments  &  a  piece  of 
bride-cake  2  Mrs.  Ward." 

"And  who's  Mrs.  Hill?"  sez  T,  &  I  gove  Ann  a 
purcing  glance  when  I  arskt  the  question. 

"  The  late  Sarah  Ann  Ward,"  sez  she. 

"Mydavvtur!" 

"  Yes,  ma'am." 

I  sot  rite  down  I  was  so  mad.  For  a  minnit,  I  was 
nonplusht  as  much  as  ef  G.  Washington  had  walked 
rit«  out  of  the  tent  &  arskt  for  a  glarse  of  logger 
beer. 


nUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.      .  291 

Then  I  jumpt  up  &  sez  I;  "Hoo  marrid  that  fee- 
mail  ?" 

"  The  square,  two  be  shure,"  sez  she ;  "  the  young 
felure  brawt  a  ladder  «fe  put  it  up  two  hur  windur  & 
karrid  hur  orf  larst  nite.  .  I  run  arfter  urn  two  bring 
Sarah  Ann  back,  but  they  cotch  me  &  karrid  me  orf,  & 
made  me  akt  as  bridesmade  at  the  square's.  As  soon 
as  they  was  marrid,  they  went  orf  into  a  butiful  char- 
riot  with  2  grate  white  bosses  & " 

^'  Why  dident  you  come  <fe  call  me,"  sez  I;  "insted 
of  making  a  fule  of  yourself  by  running  arfture  them  ?" 

"  I  did  akkording  2  the  best  of  my  nolidge,"  sez  she  ; 
"  besides,  I  am  not  your  dawter,  &  you  can't  tyrannize 
over  mo  as  you  did  over  poor  Sarah." 

Then  I  node  she.had  plade  me  false,  &  had  kinknivd 
at  their  running  orf,  &  I  jumpt  at  hur  <fe  grabbed  hur 
by  the  hare,  but  she  slipt  orf  &  left  hur  comb  into  my 
hand. 

Away  she  run,  &  away  I  run  arfture  hur.  She 
streeked  it  threw  the  apple  orchud,  over  the  stone  wall 
&  into  the  woods,  &  ef  I  hadent  got  tangled  up  in  a 
briar  bush  I'd  hev  pulled  every  hare  out  of  hur  head. 
Finally,  she  got  clear  orf  out  of  site. 

Then  I  put  on  my  black  silk,  &  went  up  two  the 
square's  two  see  what  he  ment  by  robbing  a  tender 
tfe.induljint  mother  of  hur  dawter. 

I  opened  the  front  door  &  went  in  without  knocking ; 


292  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

but  coodn't  find  nobody  into  the  house;  the  pot  was 
onto  the  fire  a  biling  as  ef  it  was  onto  a  wayjir,  but  the 
kook  was  no-whares  two  be  scene,  the  square's  wife  & 
dawtur,  was  out,  but  there  was  righting  ohto  his  table 
that  want  dry  yet ;  so  I  node  he  was  round  there  some- 
whares.  I  went  out  intoo  the  yard,  &;  cotch  site  of  the 
lawyer's  cote-tale  as  he  whiskt  around  the  kornur  of  the 

barn. 

I  run  around  the  barn,  &  cotch  site  of  the  hole  fam- 
mily  cutting  threw  the  puttatur  patch,  &  the  hired  help 
Ibllowing  arfture  as  fast  as  she  cood,  with  hur  slip-shod 
shuze  &  hur  stockins  about  hur  ankuls. 

Away  they  went  as  ef  I  had  been  a  mad  bull  broke 
luce  from  the  slawtor-house. 

I  was  awl  out  of  breth  &  went  home,  tho  I  was  de- 
tarmint  2  giv  that  pesky  lawyer  a  good  setting  down 
the  fust  chance  I  got. 

The  next  day,  as  I  stood  into  the  door  of  my  tent, 
hoo  shood  I  see  go  by,  into  a  charriot,  but  them  2 
lovyers,  &  Sarah  Ann  flaunting  into  hur  silks  &  satans, 
&  her  husband's  arm  around  her  neck,  &  she  waved  hur 
hankurchur  two  me,  the  imperdenz.     I'd  hev  gove  awl 

1  was  wurth  jist  two  ring  hur  neck  thet  minnit,  2  think 
the  wretch  shood  be  riding  about  in  stile.  I'd  hev  felt 
better  about  it  ef  I'd  scene  hur  in  rags,  beggin  hur  bred 
from  door  two  door,  or  dying  into  the  arms-house  ;  but 

2  see  the  creetur  riding  into  hur  silks  &  showing  hur- 


llUIi  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  203 

self  in  triumph  2  hur  tender  &  induljint  mother  made 
me  so  mad  thet  I  cood  hev  skinned  hur  alive,  &  stuft 
hur  skin  &  put  it  into  the  sho  two  exibit  hur  for  Jer- 
sey bell,  the  wiked  kween. 


294  BETSEY  JANE  WAKI) 


CONJUGAL  ANXIETY. 

From  awl  akkounts  thet  comes  across  the  Planes, 
the  cuttings-up  of  my  arteemass  into  the  Mormon  set- 
tlement air  parfeckly  ridikkillious. 

What  upon  urth  he  wants  two  spend  his  time 
amongst  them  onery  creturs,  that  it  take  a  duzzin  or  20 
of  um  two  make  1  wife,  air  mourn  lean  eggstamperize 
which  he  has  1  hole  wife  at  home  under  1  bunnit  &  into 
1  frock. 

The  prezzident  of  our  sosiety  hev  an  idee  thet  them 
feemail's  must  be  a  undersized  set,  no  bigger  than  Tom 
Thumb's  wife,  sense  it  takes  so  miny  of  the  creetur  2 
make  1  hole  wife  ;  so  they  have  to  take  their  wife  into 
installments,  instead  of  having  hur  awl  into  1  peace. 

I  Iwrnclude  that  arteemass  got  his  idee  of  heving  a 
big  assortment  of  the  artiklile  from  having  sich  a  good 
speciment  of  wife  at  home;  but  he'll  find  no  more 
sitch  like  hur  that  he  t<jok  to  his  heart  into  the  bloom 
of  hur  youth,  which  "she  had  been  improoving  onto  his 
hand  more  than  30  yeer. 


nUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.    •  2^5 

Tve  had  some  idee  of  setting  out  with  the  sho,  in  a 
giirny  across  the  Planes  to  Utah.  Ef  I  cood  get  there 
awl  safet  &  sound,  I'd  hev  a  cap-pulling  with  some  of 
those  Mormondom  thet  would  make  um  think  the 
world  was  coming  to  an  eend. 

I  hev  coUd  our  sosiety  together  to  parse  rezolutions 
agin  Briguni  Young  &  his  wives  which  ef  they  hear  of 
it  into  Utah  will  make  a  fluttering  amongst  the  dry 
bones.  Our  prezzident  tawkt  of  appointing  a  komitty 
of  laydiz  two  go  two  Utah  &  puddown  polligomy,  but 
when  they  was'  appinted  they  eggsquzed  themselves 
from  going  onto  the  ground  thet  they  was  afeard  they 
w^ood  get  seald  two  some  Mormon  saint  ef  they  went 
there ;  &  as  the  komitty  was  awl  old  mades,  they  were 
pesky  afeard  of  that  air  sealing-bizness. 

So,  I  was  left  a  poor  diskonsolate  widder,  like  a 
crusht  flour. 

But.  let  me  ever  ketch  site  of  arteemass  agin,  it's  awl 
I  want  jist  two  take  my  satisfaction  out  of  his  coppura- 
shun. 

I'll  teech  him  two  dessart  his  better  haff*  for  the  sake 
of  them  pesky  Mormon  trollops. 


290  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 


ULYSSEAN   ARTIFICE. 

I  BELEEVE  that  men  air  the  wurst  ereeturs  thet  bares 
the  hoonian  form.  But  I'll  tell  the  story  of  the  way  I 
was  sarved,  &  how  I  was  cheeted  out  of  my  revenge. 

I  was  sitting  into  the  door  of  the  tent  with  5  custo- 
mers inside,  when  there  come  along  a  man  dressed 
up  like  some  sort  of  outlandish  felure  from  furrin 
parts,  with  a  turbin  onto  his  head,  &  a  simmetur  at  his 
side. 

He  sed  he  was  a  Arab,  &  he  stopt  a  little  way  from 
the  tent,  &  made  a  lo  bow  &  sez  :  "  Lahez-Alikom  !  La- 
bez,  Lahez-Salem  /" 

"  IIoo  air  you  ?"  sez  I ;  "  &  what  upon  urth  doo  you 
want  hoar,  with  awl  them  jimfleckshunz  ?"  for  I  thawt 
he  was  a  nigger,  at  fust. 

Then  he  sez :  "  Sheick  Hesh-bah,  el  ajjhP^ 

I  wawkt  tords  him  to  eggzamin  him  closter  &  see 
what  he  was  maid  of. 

Then  he  began  to  thro  dust  over  himself,  &  sez  : 

"  Allah  Houakibar  !  Hi  el  Allah,  Sheda  Mohammed 
Rahsooir 


HUE  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  297 

At  larst,  I  got  him  two  speek  a  sort  of  hafF  English 
&  haff  furrin  tuiig,  &  he  tolld  me  how  his  name  was 
Jvesh-bah,  an  Arab  chief  &  a  pilgrim,  which  it  was  what 
he  had  tolled  me  be4,  into  his  own  langwidge. 

I  seen  he  was  something  of  a  kuriosity,  <fe  was  think- 
ing whether  it  was  best  two  ingage  him  for  the  sho, 
when  he  propposed  it  hisself,  &  sed  he  would  exhibit 
for  his  vittles,  the  fust  weak,  &  ef  it  was  found  thet  he 
drawed  well,  he  wood  charge  something  for  the  use  of 
his  yaller  karcus. 

So  he  went  into  the  sho  &  was  there  a  weak,  <fe  he 
drawed  very  well,  &  he  lurned  to  speak  English  so  fast 
that  I  was  astonisht,  <fe  thawt  him  the  smartest  man 
that  ever  I  seed. 

He  noo  how  to  manidge  the  sho  too,  &;  I  found  his 
help  so  useful  that  I  woodnet  hev  parted  with  him  on 
no  akkount  whatsomever. 

Then  he  began  two  tell  me  thet  he  noo  awl  about 
how  my  husband  had  sarved  me,  &  he  sed  that  artee- 
mass  wood  never  come  back  as  he  had  had  45  wives 
sealed  2  him  &  was  a  elder  of  the  Mormon  church. 

When  I  heered  thet  I  cood  hev  tore  urteemass's  eyes 
out  cf  he  had 'Stood  be4  me  that  minnit.  He  sed  thet 
he  had  hurd  it  from  peple  that  kame  from  Utah,  &  that 
it  was  the  town  tawk,  only  noboddy  wood  tell  me,  for 
fear  of  braking  my  hurt. 

He  went  on  into  thet  way  for  a  long  time,  till  he  got 


298  BETSEY   JANE  WARD 

me  into  the  beleef  thet  I  was  a  widder  troo  enuff,  & 
then  he  begun  too  la  seeje  two  my  tender  hart  till  he 
won  my  efTeckshuns.  Then  I  eggspekted  2  marry  him, 
but  he  tolled  me  thet  was  unpossible,  as  my  husband 
was  alive.  So  he  got  me  into  such  a  riiystiffikashun 
that  I  bleeved  it  was  awl  rite  2  live  with  him  without 
marrage,  sense  arteemass  was  gone  entirely  <fe  the  laws 
woodent  let  us  marry.  The  prezzidunt  of  our  society 
sed  it  was  rite  2,  <fe  was  the  free  love  principul. 

So  I  gove  my  kornscent  at  larst,  &  as  soon  as  he  got 
my  kornscent,  he  went  into  another  room  <fe  washt  orf 
the  yaller  stain  from  his  hands  &  face,  <fe  put  on  his 
own  close,  &  cum  back,  &  I  like  2  hev  jumpt  out  of 
my  skin  when  I  seed  it  was  arteemass  hisself. 

I  was  jist  a  going  2  give  him  a  blowing  up  for  his 
kornduct  in  Utah  when  I  remembured  that  I  had  agreed 
2  liv  with  a  furrin  Arab  without  being  marrid  2  him, 
<k  so  arteemass  had  got  the  game  into  his  own  hands,  & 
I  coodent  say  a  word. 

Then  he  sez :  "  You've  heerd  stranje  stories  about 
my  cuttings  up  into  Utah;  but, you  was  going  2  doo 
jist  as  bad,  <fe  now  we  air  square — so  you  may  as  well 
jist  shet  up." 

I  seen  he  had  me  there,  &  I  did  shet  up. 


HUR  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  299 


UNCLE   OBED. 

We  had  a  visit  from  Uncle  Obed  not  long  ago.  I 
thawt  he  had  come  two  the  house  two  see  arteemas,  arf- 
ture  he  had  been  abcent  so  long ;  but  it  seams  thet  he 
come  onto  more  importinate  biznis. 

He  air  my  uncle  en  the  mother's  side,  not  my  own 
uncle,  but  a  sort  of  distunt  uncle.  I  never  node  mutch 
about  him,  and  never  scene  him  be4  he  called  &  tolled 
us  hoo  he  was. 

It  was  jist  arfture  brekfast  that  a  tall  man  in  a  snuff- 
kullud  cote  &  bloo  spektikkles,  with  a  long  nose  very 
sharp  at  the  pint,  about  50  yeer  old,  rapt  at  the  door. 
The  hired  help  run  &  opent  the  door,  &  the  man  arskt 
ef  the  propprieater  of  the  show-imperoarium  was  into 
the  house,  the  selubrayted  arteemass  Ward. 

She  tolled  him  yes,  &  arsked  him  2  wawk  in.  So 
in  he  wawkt.  I  was  setting  at  the  table,  but  arteemass 
was  shaving  orf  his  face  at  the  looking-glass  which  it 
hangs  betwixt  the  2  windurs. 

He  turned  round  &  lookt  at  the  jentleman  &  sez, 
"  15  scents,  haff  price  for  children."     He  bowed  down 


300  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

his  long  backj  &  seeing  there  was  a  lady  into  the  house, 
he  tuk  orf  his  hat.  Accorduntly,  I  got  up  &  gove  him 
a  cheer  which  he  kept  standing  till  he  sed : 

"  I  spose  you  don't  no  me  ;  I'm  Ebenezer  Rattleton 
of  Skunk's  misery." 

Arteemass  lookt  at  me  &  I  lookt  at  arteemass.  At 
larst,  arteemass  sed  :  "  You  hev  the  advantidge  of  me, 
sir — never  exibited  into  that  villidge  ;  where  did  I  ever 
see  you  be4  ?" 

"  I  don't  wonder  you  arsk,"  sez  he  ;  "I  am  an  uncle 
two  your  wife — that  is,  a  sort  of  uncle,  being  cuzzin 
two  her  grate  uncle  hoo  lived  in  Peekskill,  &  karrid  on 
the  tannin  &  currin." 

"  Yes,"  sez  I ;  "  there  was  .sitch  a  man,  some  years 
aggo.  I've  often  heerd  of  my  grate  uncle  hoo  lived  in 
Peekskill,  which  he  dide  of  the  flamutory  rhematiz." 

"  Very  likely,"  sez  Mr.  Rattleton  ;  "  it's  highly  prob- 
able it  W'as  some  flamutory  distemper,  as  he  took  to 
brandy  &  Ky  Ann  pepper  in  the  latter  part  of  his  life, 
<fe  went  orf  ruther  suddently." 

"  Well,  seddow^n.  Uncle  Ebenezer,"  sez  I ;  "  It's 
probble  you're  awl  rite,  so  set  up  &  take  a  bite  of  cold 
tung  &  kawfee." 

"  Nyther,  neese,"  sez  he ;  "I  don't  use  iny  of  the 
slops,  &  as  2  animile  food,  it's  kontrayry  2  my  prinsip- 
ples.  I'm  onto  the  high  jeen  at  pressent,  amongst 
other  importunate  reforms ;  but,  ef  you   hev  a  little 


HUR  UOOK    OF'GOAKS.  301 

stale  bread  &  muUassis,  I  will  partake  of  something  for 
the  riffrishment  of  the  house  I  live  into." 

"  Own  a  house  in  your  villidge?"  sez  arteemass. 

"  1  spake  of  the  temple  of  my  body,"  sez  he. 

Arteemass  purceived  he'd  got  into  deep  water,  & 
maid  hisself  skurce,  jist  as  he  alius  did  when  I  was  visit- 
ed by  1  of  our  'sosiety. 

As  for  me,  1  brawt  out  some  rye  bread  &;  the  jug  of 
mullassis,  &  sez  I : 

"  I'm  glad  2  find  thet  you  air  1  of  us,  uncle  Ebe- 
nezer." 

He  lookt  up,  but  he  coodent  say  nothing  at  thet  min- 
nit,  as  he  had  jist  put  a  chunk  of  bread  into  his  head,  & 
the  mullassis  was  running  down  from  both  korners  of 
his  mouth. 

"  Take  your  time,  uncle,"  sez  I ;  for  ef  he  chokt,  I 
dident  no  as  he  had  munny  enuff  about  him  two  pay 
his  fewkneereal  expenses,  <fe  the  charge  wood  come  upon 
me  &  arteemass.  So,  I  sez  ;  "  I  can  wate,  uncle.  My 
time  air  at  my  own  disposal." 

"  Tempus  fugit  .^"  sez  he. 

As  soon  as  he  had  cleered  his  throte,  he  korntinued  : 

"  Neese,"  sez  he  ;  "I  infer  from  what  you  hint,  thet 
you  air  1  of  the  chosen  foo  which  they  air  scent  intoo 
the  world  that  they  may  leeve  it  better  than  they  find  it. 
They  air  the  solt  of  the  urth  ;  but  I  go  a  little  beyand 
that ;  there  air  some   hoo   may   be  compared    to  the 


302  BETSEY  JANE    WARD 

4runners  of  the  millenyum,  which  it  may  be  sed  they 
air  the  solt  Peter  of  the  urth,  which  it  air  more 
stronger  than  ornery  solt,  you  no." 

"  I'm  shure  I'm  glad  2  find  that  you  air  1  of  them 
air,"   sez  I. 

"  Don't  miscomprehend  me,"  sez  he ;  "  for  there 
Cometh  1  arfture  me  the  latches  of  hooze  shuze  I  am 
not  worthy  2  stoop  down  &  onluce." 

I  dident  kwite  take  the  meening  of  that,  &  I  gove 
him  a  purcing  gaze. 

"  I've  come  as  a  sort  of  a  4  runner,"  sez  he  ;  "  two  bid 
you  prepair  for  the  solt  Peter  of  the  urth  hoo  I  regard 
as  the  gratest  of  woman  born." 

"  I'm  shure  we  shall  try  2  be  aggreeable,"  sez  I. 

"  You  hev  beds,  &  provender  for  bosses,  &  awl  that 
air  required  for  the  messanger  ?"  sez  he. 

"  Well,  we'll  try,"  sez  I ;  though  I  never  had  the  leest 
conniption  of  what  he  was  tawking  about. 

So  he  went  on  eting  the  bread  &  mullassis,  <fe  then, 
arfture  he'd  took  in  a  lofe  &  a  haff  of  rye  bread  <fe  a 
kwaut  of  mullassis,  he  arskt  for  sigh  deer&  drunk  about 
2  pints  of  thet. 

Then  he  lifted  his  fingur  2  me,  <fe  sez  :  "  Neece,  grate 
times  air  cumming,  you  may  depend  upon  that." 

Then  he  shook  his  head,  &  lookt  rite  into  the  fire  for 
about  haff  an  our. 

At  larst,  he  got  up  &  put  his  hands  under  his  kote 


nUR  BOOK  OF   GOAKS.  303 

behind,  &  wawkt  backwards  &  forwards  into  the  rheum 
for  a  hole  our,  tawking  2  himself;  &,  onct  into  a  wile, 
he  wood  shake  his  head,  <fe  giv  me  a  purcing  gaze,  &; 
then  he  sez,  wile,  he  lookt  up  at  the  sealing  :  "  Vm  only 
an  instrument — I'm  only  an  iustrument !" 

I  wondurd  ef  he  was  tawking  about  the  purpetchooal 
motion  masheen.  « 

Arftur  dinner,  which  he  finisht  awl  the  rye  bread  & 
muUassis  we  had  into  the  house,  he  went  2  see  the  sho 
into  the  tent.  He  pinted  his  finger  at  G.  Washington 
&  sed  :  "  Bee  hold,  a  grater -than  he  air  cumming,  I  am 
the  4  runner  of  1,  ihe  latches  of  hooz  shuze  I  am  not 
worthy  two  stoop  down  &  onluce." 

"  You  ain't  into  the  shoo  trade,  mebby  ?"  sez  artee- 
mass.  '■ 

He  shook  his  head,  which  he  seamed  2  try  2  shake 
awl  the  hares  out  of  it. 

He  lookt  at  the  young  lyon  into  his  cage,  &  sez : 
"  What  air  he  compared  with  the  lyon  of  the  grate 
kaws  ?" 

"  He's  not  so  big  as  some,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  but  I 
take  it  the  1  you  tell  of  air  not  a  smarter  beest  than 
him." 

Then  uncle  Ebenezer  rolled  up  his  eyes,  &  cut  out,  & 
went  a  wawking  into  the  fields  till  supper  time,  when 
he  come  in  &  took  some  more  rye  bread  &  mullassis, 
which  I  had  got  a  kag  from  the  store  thet  arfturenoon. 


304  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

So  it  went  on  for  3  days,  &  ho  et  nothing  but  bread 
&;  mullassis,  &  tawkt  about  shoo  latches  &  sitch. 

Onto  the  3rd  day,  into  the  middle  of  the  nite,  arteee- 
mass  woke  me  up  and  sez  :  "  Betsey  Jane,  air  their 
theeves  into  the  house  ?"  &  I  chucked  the  bed  close 
over  my  head,  and  whispurd :  "Oh!  Lordy  !  wot 
makes  you  think  so,  arteemass  ?" 

"There's  a  tremenjus  rackit,  &  hoUuring  out,  &  I'm 
afeared  they've  kilt  uncle,"  sez  he. 

"  Oh,  grashus !  &  all  his  grate  reforms  will  dye  with 
him  !"  sez  I ;  &  then  I  heerd  a  noyse  2 ;  but  1  perceeved 
that  Uuncle  Ebenezer  was  not  dead,  as  he  coodent  hev 
yelled  so  loud  ef  he  was. 

"  This  day  air  salvation  come  two  this  house  !"  sez 
he,  into  a  loud  voyce  ;  "  rise  up,  ye  slumbering  soles,  <fc 
meet  the  bridegroom  into  the  way  of  his  cumming ; 
for  this  air  he  of  hoom  I  spoke,  the  1  that  cummith 
arfture  me,  the  latches  of  hoos  shuze  I  am  not  worthy 
2  stoop  down  <fe  onluce  !" 

I  seed  there  was  no  theeves,  only  thet  uncle  was  into 
1  of  his  problematticks,  &  I  jist  slipt  on  my  short 
gound,  &  opent  the  door,  &  lookt  out,  &  arskt  him  ef 
he  wanted  iny thing;  but  be4  I  could  finish  the  words, 
I  cotch  site  of  a  grate  roaring  fire  onto  the  harth,  &;  the 
big  pot  was  on,  &  a  big  piece  of  beef  was  roasting  be4 
the  fire,  and  the  tikkittle  was  steaming  like  a  young 
steamboat  onto  the  Massysippy. 


IlUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  305 

Sez  I :  "  Uncle,  what  air  you  doing  on  ?  I  thawt  you 
dident  ete  animile  food." 

"  Come  out  &  meet  the  bridegroom  !"  sez  he. 

"  I  don't  see  none  sich,"  sez  I. 

"  Becaws  he's  putting  up  his  hoss,  &  giving  him  a 
feed  of  oats  in  the  barn,"  sez  he ;  "  but  he'll  be  in  di- 
reckly.  As  for  me,  I'm  only  the  4  runner,  &  I  ete  no 
danties;  but  he  that  cummith  arfture  me,  come  eteing 
&  drinldng,  &  they  say,  '  Behold  a  glutinous  man  &  a 
wine-bibber !" 

I  went  out  into  the  rheum,  but  I  was  awl  of  a 
trimble,  espeshully  as  I  heerd  arteemass  a  snoring ;  for 
as  soon  as  he  perceeved  it  was  uncle,  he  dropt  rite 
asleep  agin,  &  left  me  to  manidge  into  his  absence. 

So  I  took  a  cheer  &  sot  down  be4  the  fire,  &  lookt  at 
the  grate  roasting  peace  of  meet  that  was  sputtering  & 
hissing,  &  the  blood  &  gravy  running  awl  over  the 
floor ;  &  awl  of  a  suddent,  uncle  jumpt  up  as  ef  he'd 
been  shot,  &  sung  out :  "  Here  he  comes  !  make  way 
for  the  Lyon  of  Reform  !" 

Then  I  lookt  round,  &;  seen  a  tremenjus  grate  fat 
man,  enermost  as  big  as  our  Dannel  Lambut  into  the 
sho,  come  woddling  into  the  door,  with  his  eyes  bulg- 
ing out  of  his  head,  &  his  cheeks  hanging  down  on  each 
side,  like  a  walrus. 

"  Piece  be  2  this  house  !"  sez  he. 

I  got  up  &  kurched.  • 


30G  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

Then  he  sot  down  &  1  sot  down,  but  uncle  stood  up 
awl  the  time  into  his  prezzenz. 

"  Providing  for  the  bodd y  ?"  sez  he. 

"  Yes,  my  lord,"  sez  uncle  Ebenezer. 

Then  uncle  sez  2  me  :  "  This  is  the  grate  lord  of  re- 
form, which  he  was  2  come,  &  I  am  his  4  runner.  He 
is  my  kuzzing,  &  your  uncle  as  well  as  myself.  It  is 
your  uncle  Obed  Price,  akkording  two  the  fle^h,  but  he 
air  your  sooperior  in  another  sense." 

Then  Uncle  Obed  sez  :  "  Let  the  woman  prepare  the 
feast  &  spread  the  tables  ;  I  adopt  hur  from  this  mo- 
ment as  my  handmaid,  sense  she's  been  obedyunt  2 
the  heavenly  vision.  Let  hur  bring  forth  the  best 
wine  &  kornduments,  sense  I'll  abide  at  thy  house 
this  day." 

Then  uncle  come  &  whispurd  into  my  ear,  &  sez : 
"  This  personidge  that  you  sec  be4  you  is  the  Coming 
Man." 

I  sot  the  table  &  put  on  the  solt  and  bread  &  sigh- 
deer,  &  Uncle  Ebenezer  he  fotched  out  the  big  platter 
&  put  on  the  beef.  Then  he  took  up  the  vejitibbles  & 
gravy,  &  I  poured  out  the  tea. 

The  Coming  Man  then  droo  up  his  cheer  2  the  table, 
<fe  it  frightened  me  2  see  how  he  went  into  the  wittles. 
Uncle  Eben  &  me  did  nothing  but  wait  onto  him,  but 
he  cleared  the  platter,  ete  up  the  vejittibles;  drunk  up 
all  the  tea  &  sigh-deer,  &  then    he  lookt  around  and 


HUE  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  307 

arskt  me  ef  I  hadent  a  cold  pullet,  or  a  meet  pye,  or 
something  of  that  sort,  for  a  dessart  two  his  meel. 

"  It's  necessary  2  *doo  something,  occasional  for  the 
boddy,"  sez  he  ;  "  tho  the  outward  man  air  only  an 
incumberanz  thet  air  altogether  beneath  our  notiss  ;  but 
it's  a  dooty  we  owe  2  keep  the  bobby  alive  whilst  we 
air  heer  upon  erth.  Handmaid,  can  you  rost  a  pig  for 
my  brekfust  in  the  morning,  &  ef  you  can  proqure  a 
foo  fowls,  with  bread  &  korfee  accorduntly,  you  will 
obleege  me  very  much.  I  can't  attend  much  2  these 
matters  which  relate  2  the  flesh,  <fe  must  therefore, 
kornsign  the  task  to  you. 

Nixt  morning,  uncle  Ebenezer  introduced  uncle  Obed 
2  arteemass,  which  arteemass  lookt  at  him  very  closet, 
<fe,eggzamind  him  up  &  down,  &  kept  his  eye  onto  him 
awl  the  time. 

Then  uncle  Obed  sed  he  was  going  2  bild  a  grate 
sitty  into  the  wilderness,  2  be  called  "  The  sitty  of 
Truth,"  &  there  was  2  be  laws  into  the  sitty  thet  no- 
boddy  shood  ever  doo  inything  rong,  &  a  man  was  2  be 
appinted  2  watch  eech  famuly  &  report  ef  iny  of  um 
broke  the  Sabaoth,  or  committed  iny  sin  whatsomever, 
so  that  every  1   into  that  sitty  shood  be  blameless." 

Arteemass  arskt  him  ef  he  was  going  2  hev  the  work 
done  by  korntract  or  giv  it  out  2  workmen  hisself. 

"That'll  awl  be  settled  in  time,"  sez  the  Coming 
Man. 


308  BETSEY  JANE   WARD 

"  He  goes  intirely  by  inspiration,"  sez  uncle  Eben- 
ezer. 

Arteernass  sez:  "You  must  be  a  man  of  grate  prop- 
perty  to  build  a  city  awl  yourself."' 

"  That  air  2  come,"  sez  the  coming  man  ;  "  I'ra  going 
4th  2  raze  the  funs  now,  may  I  set  you  down  for  a 
thousand  dollars  ?" 

Artecmass  kinder  sinnifide  that  he  wanted  sequrity 
ef  he  put  in  that  sum. 

Then  the  Coming  Man  sed  "  Oh!  ye  of  little  faith  ! 
Sell  awl  thou  hast,  put  it  into  the  tra'zury,  &  come  <fc 
follow  me." 

Arteemass  sed  nothing,  but  went  into  the  tent.  The 
Coming  Man  went  up  into  the  villidge  &  sent  Uncle 
Ebenezer  awl  around  the  kuntry  2  raze  the  munny 
for  building  the  sitty  of  Truth,  but  he  coodent  git  a 
scent. 

Then  the  Coming  Man  korncluded  he  had  better  doo 
something  for  his  own  living,  as  he  was  getting  short 
of  cash,  &' he  aggreed  two  exhibit  in  the  sho  for  a 
dollar  a  day  as  The  Fat  Man, 

So  Uncle  Obed  has  been  in  the  sho  ever  sense,  <fe 
that  is  the  way  thet  we  come  by  our  Fat  Man. 

As  for  Uncle  Ebenezer,  he  hired  out  onto  a  farm  for 
his  vittles  &  eight  dollars  a  month,  &  he  sez  he  can 
make  more  at  that  than  he  did  in  the  compacity  of  4 
runner  to  the  Cominsr  Man. 


HUR  BOOK   OF   GOAKS.  309 

HIRING  A   HOUSE. 

One  spell,  soon  arfture  me  &;  arteemass  was  jined 
into  the  sakred  bands  of  weedlock,  the  idee  run  into 
our  heads  that  we  would  go  to  the  grate  imperoarium 
sitty  of  Noo  York,  &  higher  a  house  for  1  yeer. 

Accord untly,  we  arrove  into  Noo  York  onto  the  13 
day  of  April,  &  arskt  the  peeple  whare  we  put  up  how 
we  shood  fnid  a  house. 

"Without  the  leastest  difficulty,"  was  the  ansur, 
"  the  landlords  hear  air  the  most  ekkomudating  folks  in 
the  world.  Ef  they  node  you  wanted  a  house,  they 
would  put  their  bildings  on  wheels  &  bring  um  down 
hear  2  your  boding-house,  thet  you  mite  inspeckt  um 
at  your  layzhur.  You  hev  only  2  take  a  wawk  around 
the  sitty,  &  when  you  see  a  bit  of  righting  plasturd 
onto  the  front  neer  the  door,  go  in  &  arskt  what's  to 
let,  &  they'll  sho  you  awl  about  the  house,  &  tell  you 
the  price  with  the  gratest  plezzhur." 

So  I  put  on  my  bunnit  &  sholl,  <fe  arteemass  he  put 
on  his  hat  &  buttunt  up  his  coat,  &  we  cut  out  two  find 
a  house.  We'd  been  marrid  about  8  munce  at  that 
time,  &  I  found  it  ruther  teedyus  a  wawking  fur,  but  I 
w^anted  two  see  the  house  &  judge  of  it  with  my  own 
eyes,  &  so  I  went  with  arteemass,  which  I  aught  two 
hev  stayed  at  homo  &  nust  myself 

We  parst  by  kwite  a  lot  of  houses  with  a  bit  of 


PAO  BETSEY  JANE  WARD 

righting  onto  um,  till  we  come  two  1  that  sed  upper 
part  was  two  let,  &  it  was  jist  about  as  much  rheum  as 
we  wanted.  So.  arleemass  nokt  onto  the  door,  but 
noboddy  come  two  open  it.  Then  he  nokt  agin,  S:  I 
nokt,  but  it  was  awl  the  same. 

At  larst  the  hired  help  come  up  the  steps  willi  a 
barsket  into  hur  hand,  &  she  tolled  us  we  aught  two 
hev  took  holt  of  a  little  handle  thet  was  mito  1  side  of 
the  door  &  gove  it  a  jurk,  which  it  wood  hev  maid  a 
bell  wring  inside. 

So,  we  arskt  hur  ef  the  peple  was  into  the  bildi ng. 
She  tolled  us  2  stand  in  the  hall  &  she'd  cawl  the  lady. 

Into  a  minnit,  a  fat  Avoman  come  out  into  the  hall  & 
arskt  us  whet  we  wanted. 

Arteemass  tuk  orf  his  hat  &  maid  a  bough,  &  ansud 
<fe  sed :  "  We  want  two  hire  rheums,  which  it  air  onto 
the  paper  thet  the  upper  part  air  two  let." 

"  Yes,"  sez  she ;  &  she  lookt  at  us  as  ef  she  were 
going  two  buy  us,  &;  then  she  sez :  "  I've  got  rheums." 

"  I  take  it  you  hev,"  sez  arteemass ;  "  else  it's  very 
onlikely  you'd  hev  put  thet  air  bit  of  righting  up." 

"  I'm  the  owner  of  this  house,"  sez  she ;  "  &;  I'm  par- 
tickular  hoo  I  take  in.  I've  got  2  large  rheums  up 
stares,  with  3  bed-rheums  onto  the  second  floor,  &  2  in 
the  attucks." 

"  Jist  the  rheum  we  want ;  how  much  doo  you  arsk 
for  it,"  sez  I. 


HUK  BOOK  OF  GOAKS.  31 1 

"  Thirty  dollars  a  month,  payble  in  advance,"  sez  she. 

"  It's  orful  hi,"  sez  arteemass  ;  "  but  I  spose  we  must 
take  the  rheums." 

"  I  hope  you've  got  good  referencis,"  sez  she  ;  "  else 
you  can't  come  in." 

"  Yes,  very  good,"  sez  arteemass. 

So,  she  took  us  up  2  look  at  the  rheums. 

Arfture  we  had  done  looking  at  um,  arteemass  sed 
he  wood  bring  the  references,  nixt  day. 

"  I  hope  you  haint  got  no  children,"  sez  the  landlady ; 
"  as  I  can't  endure  children  :  they  make  a  noyse  &  hurt 
the  house." 

"  No,  ma'am — no  children,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  I  hope  you  don't  use  tobakker — you  don't  smoke 
nor  chaw.  1  can't  endure  tobakker  smol<;e  into  the 
house,  &  chawing  air  a  onclean  pracktus." 

"  Don't  use  tobakker,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Well,  now,"  sez  she  ;  "  that's  awl  very  well  so  fur ; 
but  I  hope  yu  don't  ever  be  out  late  o'  nites.  You'll 
allus*be  home  by  9  okklok,  I  spose." 

Arteemass  kind  o'  scratched  his  head,  but  I  ansurd  & 
sed :  "  Yes,  I'll  engage  he  won't  be  out  late  o'  nites." 

'•  Well,  you  won't  go  up  <fe  down  stares,  I  suppose 
mourn  twice  a  day,  when  you  go  two  your  biznis  & 
when  you  come  home  at  nite,  as  these  stares  creeks 
sometimes,  <fe  I  can't  bare  iny  disturbance ;  <fe  you'll  be 
expected  2  go  2  church  twice  every  Sabaoth  day." 


312  BETSEY   JANE   WARD 

"No  dowt,"  sez  arteemass. 

"  Which  place  of  wuship  doo  you  attend  1 " 

«  Well— the— the  Methodists.  " 

"I  go  two  the  Dutch  Conformed,  myself,"  sez  she; 
"  I  shood  prefer  2  hev  you  go  two  the  Dutch  Con- 
formed. 

"  You  will  be  keerful  not  2  make  iny  noyse  over  my 
head,  &  two  step  softly  when  you  walk  acrost  the 
floor." 

"  Oh  !  as  two  that,"  sez  I ;  "  we'll  come  &  cleen  up 
the  house,  &  lock  up  the  rheums,  &;  go  away,  &  wont 
enter  the  house  at  awl,  till  we  come  to  pay  your  rent." 

The  landlady  thawt  a  minnit  &  then  sed  ;  "  Well, 
that  will  be  aggreeable,  ef  you'll  send  somebody  hear 
every  Saturday  two  scrub  orf  the  stoop." 

"Very  well,"  sez  arteemass  &  me  ;  but  when  we 
got  2  the  front  door,  she  colled  us  back  <fe  sed :  "  I 
don't  no  about  letting  you  the  house,  arfture  awl.  You 
say  you've  got  no  children,  but — but  you  hevn't  the 
dropsy,  young  woman,  hev  you?" 

"  No,  ma'am,"  sez  I. 

"  Then,"  sez  she ;  "  I  no  what  it  is.  No,  no,  you 
can't  hev  the  rheums  on  no  account  whatsomever." 


HANS  BRINKER ; 

OE, 

THE  ^ILA^ER  SKA-TES. 

By  Mes.  M.  E.  dodge, 

AUTHOR   OF    "the   IRVINGTON   STORIES." 

A  Story  of  Life  in  Holland.     Elegantly  ill\istrated  by  Darlbt  and 
others. 


1  Volume,  ricbly  bound  in  fine  cloth.     Price  $2.00. 

This  is  a  child's  book,  in  the  very  highest  sense  of  that  term.  A 
book  which,  by  its  perfect  naturalness  and  keen  appreciation  of  all 
that  constitutes  the  joys  and  sorrows  of  young  hearts,  will  be  an 
ever- welcome  companion  for  childhood ;  while  the  amount  of  valuable 
information  it  contains,  and  its  entire  freedom  from  every  thing  weak 
and  puerile,  will  cause  ic  to  be  read  with  interest  by  all  who  retair 
aught  of  the  freshness  of  their  earlier  years. 

The  story  is  admirably  conceived — the  characters  varied,  and  drawn 
to  the  life.  The  descriptions  of  scenery  are  so  truthful  that  they 
appear  more  like  the  work  of  Gerard  Douw's  pencil  than  an  author's 
pen. 

The   frugal,   kind-hearted    mother;    the  half-idiotic   father;    the 
brave-hearted,  good   boy,   Hans ;    his   sweet-voiced,   gentle   sister, 
Gretel,  are  creations  of  which  any  author  might  be  proud.     Nor  is 
the  work  studded  with  ideal  personages,  all 
"  Too  bright  and  good 
For  human  nature's  daily  food," 

fbr  its  pages  are  ahve  with  characters  of  every  grade.  Like  some 
of  the  good  old  Holland  drinks,  the  work  is  richly  spiced  with  genu- 
ine fun  and  jollity.  It  is  a  rich,  rare  work  that  will  infuse  healtlifuJ 
instruction  and  genial  good-humor  into  the  mind  and  heart  of  all 
who  are  lucky  enough  to  receive  it  as  an  instalment  of  Old  Santa 
Claus's  good  gifts ;  while  it  will  extend  the  enviable  reputation  of 
its  gifted  and  accompHshed  authoress. 

Published  by  JAMES  O'KANE, 

126  Nassau  Street,  New  York. 


THE    IRVINGTON    STORIES. 

FIFTH   EDITION. 

BY  THE 

AUTHOR  OF  "HANSBRINKER;  OR,  THE  SILVER  SKATES." 

Elegantly  illustrated  with  five  exquisite  designs  by  F.  O.  C.  Daeley,  Esq. 


1  Vol.,  richly  bound  in  cloth.    Price,  $1  50. 


No  Juvenile  Book  of  the  day  has  awakened  more  general  interest, 
or  won  more  enthusiastic  commendation  from  "the  press,"  than 
"The  Irvington"  Stories."  Published  during  the  last  holiday- 
season,  it  has  already  reached  its  fifth  edition.  Every  American 
girl  and  boy  should  read  it.  In  order  that  the  favorable  "notices" 
which  have  appeared  may  have  wider  publicity,  we  append  brief 
extracts  from  a  few  of  the  many  which  have  fallen  imder  our  ob- 
servation. 


"  »  *  »  The  Irvington  Stories  are  not  sermons  in  words  of  two  syllables ;  thev  are  not  prosy ; 
bat  what  is  gracious  and  lovely  in  childhood  is  appealed  to  Indirectly,  with  sometning  of  motherly 
tendemesa  in  the  tone.  Good  books  for  children  are  so  rare,  and  books  to  make  little  spoonies  so 
common,  that  we  are  glad  to  say  a  word  in  praise  of  one  so  graceful  and  pleasing." — North  American 
Review, 

"There  are  seven  stories  here,  and  a  spirited  lyric  called  'The  Boy's  Battle  Song.'  A  capital 
story  of  the  war,  entitled  'The  Drummer  Boy,' is  very  superior  to  the  ordinary  run  of  such  tales. 
But  Mrs.  Dodge  is  even  more  successful  in  pure  fiction.  "Hans  Christian  Anderson  might  be  proud  of 
'Cushamee;  or,  the  Boy's  Walk;'  and  the  fairy  legend  of  'The  Golden  Gate,'  and  the  Indian  tale 
of  'Po-no-kah,'  will  charm  young  folks.  The  fine  illustrations  by  Darley  are  beautifully  engraved." 
— Ameriean  Literary  Gazette  and  Publishers'  Circular, 

«  »  »  *  Worthy  of  warm  commendation  for  their  simplicity  and  liveliness,  and  their  exceUent 
adaptation  to  the  tastes  of  youthful  readers." — N.  Y.  Tribune. 

"An  unusually  attractive  holiday-book  for  the  young.  *  ♦  *  The  tone  of  the  work  is  emi- 
nently patriotic  and   American,  and  it    must  deeply  interest  boy  readers."— JV.  Y.  Evening  Post. 

"    ♦    *    *    Mrs.  Dodge  wields  a  captivating  pen  for  the  yonng."— JV.  F.  Independent. 

"  The  style  is  unusually  graphic  and  free ;  and  the  material  of  each  story  is  well  suited  to  interest 
the  youthful  mind.    We  commend  the  book  as  one  of  the  best  of  the  season."— iV.  Y.  Times. 

"  The  Irvington  Stories  would  have  pleased  Washington  Irving,  had  they  been  out  when  he  lived. 
They  appeal  to  the  man  who  loves  chUJren  as  well  as  to  the  children  who  love  story-telling  men 
and  women.  »  *  *  We  alternately  admire  their  freshness  of  fancv,  skill  in  description,  ease  of 
narrative,  and  aptness  for  catching  the  spirit  of  childish  dialogue." — JV.  T.  Leader, 

«  »  •  *  We  can  promise  our  young  friends  (and  their  seniors  who  wish  to  be  amused)  a  great 
deal  of  entertainment  and  instruction  from  this  volame."— Philadelphia  Press. 

"The  most  attractive  contribution  to  the  juvenile  literature  of  the  season.  *  *  *  Mrs.  Dodge 
evinces  a  just  appreciation  of  the  mental  capacity  of  youth ;  and,  while  playing  with  its  fancy,  adapts 
her  efforts  to  the  development  of  the  finer  instincts  of  its  moral  nature." — Newark  Daily  Adeertiser. 

"A  little  bouquet  of  stories,  admirably  told  by  a  lady  who  has  looked  Into  the  hearts  of  the 
children,  and  has  learned  what  they  crave.  Nothing  about  them  that  is  not  pure  :  nothing  about 
them  that  is  not  beautiful.  We  hope,  for  the  children's  sake,  'The  Irvington  Stories'  are  not  all 
told." — Chicago  Eve.  Journal. 

Sent  by  mail,  on  receipt  of  price,  by 

JAMES  O'KANE,   Publishee, 

126  Nassau  stbesx. 


THE 

BOYS  OF  THE  BIBLE. 

By  henry  L.  WILLIAMS,  Jr. 

Splendidly  Illustrated^  with  six  Beautiful  Engravings^  hy  Orr, 


With  the  author,  this  work  has  been  a  labor  of  love.  All  the 
young  worthies,  whose  good  deeds,  "like  a  lily  in  bloom,"  threw  a 
glorious  lialo  over  the  annals  of  God's  chosen  people,  are  here  pre- 
sented to  the  reader  in  the  truest,  and  therefore  the  most  attractive 
guise.  Not  only  do  we  stand  beside  SHoam's  Shady  Pool,  and  hear 
the  rustle  of  the  date  and  palm  trees,  but  we  seem  to  stand  in  the 
bodily  presence  of  Joseph,  of  Samuel,  of  David,  and  of  Solomon,  and 
see  them  re-enact  the  deeds,  and  again  -utter  the  oracles,  that  have 
embalmed  their  names  in  millions  of  Christian  memories. 
1  TOl.)  splendidly  bonnd,  12mo  size,  312  pp.,  priee $1  50 


THE 

GIRLS  OF  THE  BIBLE. 

By  p.  C.  HEADLEY, 

With  Elegant   Illustrations. 


The  dullest  imagination  would  be  exalted  and  inspired  by  such  a 
theme  ;  judge,  then,  what  an  interesting  work  this  must  be,  written 
by  a  lady  of  brilliant  genius,  and  true  piety.  Never  have  the  his- 
tories of  "  The  Girls  of  the  Bible  "  found  so  skillful  and  attractive 
a  narrator,  as  in  the  author  of  this  excellent  book.  Every  mother 
should  see  that  her  daughters  have  this  book, — we  will  engage 
they  will  peruse  it  again  and  again. 
1  Tol.  12mo,  284  pp.,  price $1  50 

Sold  hy  all  BooJcsellers,  and  will  he  sent  post-paid  to  any 
address,  on  receipt  of  price, 

By  JAMES  O'KANE,  Publisher, 

126  Nassau  Street. 


Remy  St.  Remy; 

OR, 

THE    BOY     IlSr     BLXTTi: 

AN     EXILE     FROM     EAST     TENNESSEE. 

By   Mrs.    C.  II.  GILDERSLEEVE,  of   Hartford. 


Among  the  books  elicited  by  the  terrible  rebellion,  none  will  prove 
more  lastingly  full  of  interest  than  this  work.  The  authoress  has 
seized  upon  some  of  the  strange,  eventful  scenes,  that  have  rendered 
so  many  spots  hallowed  ground.  The  book  is  a  portion  of  our  re- 
planting of  Liberty,  carefully  and  conscientiously  prepared. 

12nio,  cloth,  beveled,  price $1  50 


BOOR  OF  RHYMES  AW  PUZZLES. 


This  book  bears  the  same  comparison  to  the  general  run  of  humor- 
ous works,  that  a  healthy  laugh  does  to  a  sickly  smile.  It  is  brimful 
of  genuine,  jovial,  side-splitting  fun.  There  is  a  hearty  laugh  in 
every  rhyme,  and  a  dozen  of  them  in  every  picture.  The  rhymea 
are  decidedly  good,  but  the  pictures,^they  are  "better  ash  goot." 
Such  a  "  Budget  of  Fun  "  was  never  packed  into  one  "  Knapsack  " 
before.  The  editor  of  Punch  might  find  a  whole  volume  of  "  Yankee 
Notions  "  between  its  strong  covers. 
1  vol.,  12mo,  cloth,  price $2  00 

Sold  hy  all  Booksellers^  and  will  he  sent  post-paid  to  any 
address^  on  receipt  of  price^ 

By  7AMES  O'KANE,  Publisher, 
I  126  Nassau  Street. 


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